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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About paying my parents for childcare?

78 replies

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 19:46

This might be long, sorry.

I'm feeling a bit hurt and sad and a bit railroaded, so I wanted to canvass opinions.

My sister is my (excellent) CM, I pay her the going rate (which is more than I was paying my old cm, incidentally). The backdrop to this is that she used to look after our other sisters dc but due to persistent lateness and some behavioural issues with the girls she gave her notice and asked me if she could mind my toddler instead.

My parents have always helped us out with occasional childcare, for which we are very very grateful. They stepped in to look after my nieces but as it was now a full time arrangement they asked for remuneration, not the full going rate but close.

Anyway (still with me, I hope?) my cm sister is away for a week next month and my mum offered straight away to have ds2 for the week. I didn't think any more about it really, was just grateful it was all sorted.

Mum has just phoned me to tell me they are charging £100 for the four days and how did I want to pay her?

I just stuttered a bit and said, oh ok, um, didn't realise we were paying you but that's fine.

My mother said that she has to charge us because she charges my sister. I think the two situations are completely different, and it just hadn't occurred to me.

Now I just feel shitty, and had a bit of a cry. I sort of want to ask th ILs to have him instead, as they won't charge us, but that would cause huge ructions.

How out of order am I on a scale of one to ten? Or you could tell me I'm not unreasonable at all, that would be nice.

OP posts:

Chunderella · 21/09/2014 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sticklebrickstickle · 21/09/2014 20:29

I can see why you are upset and actually I think it would be reasonable for your parents to offer to look after your DC as a favour for one week without charging. This one-off arrangement to cover your CM's holiday is not the same as your DSis's long term arrangement.

I wouldn't just put up with it, I would ask my ILs to do it instead and politely explain to my DM why.

CrazyTypeOfIndifference · 21/09/2014 20:31

YANBU.

My mum used to have my 2 for 4 days a week, until they were 5 and 3. They got older and more boisterous, my mum developed arthritis (and was getting older too) and we mutually agreed that as a regular thing, it was too much, so they started at a cm nearly a year ago.

I used to pay my mum for having them, because although she didn't work, as a regular commitment it's a lot to take on.

About 6 months ago my mum started looking after my dsis's 8 year old dd for 2 days a week. There are no sour grapes...my dneice is quiet and calm, she loves nothing more than sitting and reading a book or painting, and is much more manageable for my mum than my two boisterous boys who were always racing around and begging to go to the park and so on.

Anyway...yes, my mum now 'charges' my dsis for the regular days she has every week, like she used to do with me and my dc. But if I asked my mum to have the kids for a couple of days as a favour (which I very rarely do), i'd be very upset for her to decide she was going to whack a price tag on it. ESPECIALLY if it was offered.

The two are completely different situations...one is a regular childminding agreement and the other is a grandparent offering to do a favour for a few hours.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 21/09/2014 20:35

Ask your Inlaws OP, just be honest and say to your mum 'X has offered to do it for free so obviously we went with that option' it shouldn't cause a ruckus because it's a) less children for your parents to have and b) giving the Inlaws some great time with the kids.

YANBU to be upset at the one off offer needing payment, after all you weren't expecting it. But I can understand why your mum wanted to be seen as fair. It should not cause a ruckus if your Inlaws want the kids for free, if it does it smacks of your mum trying to get money.

SunshineDaisiesButterMellow · 21/09/2014 20:36

I'd ask the inlaws too.

I can't believe your mum is asking for payment as she offered to help out and its a only a short time.
She should have made it clear when the offer was made that she'd be charging and so you could have had the option to voice your opinion at the time without it being too awkward.

sunbathe · 21/09/2014 20:36

I would ask inlaws.
A bit unfair of your mum to offer first and then tack the charge on later, I think.

Janethegirl · 21/09/2014 20:42

I'd ask the in laws too, I hope I'm never in a position to need to charge my dcs if I looked after the dgcs. I'd only charge if I had no money!

slithytove · 21/09/2014 21:00

Yanbu.

My analogy is this. Your DSis situation is long term, formal, and permanent. Liken that to her living with your parents and paying rent.

DP have offered to have your kids as a temporary one off as a favour. Much like inviting you to stay for the weekend. One wouldn't expect to pay bed and board.

I would go with in laws and be honest to DP as to why.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/09/2014 21:06

Agree completely with slithy

But my attempt at explaining my reasoning would have taken much, much longer

Jill2015 · 21/09/2014 21:43

The two are completely different situations...one is a regular childminding agreement and the other is a grandparent offering to do a favour for a few hours.

Totally agree. YANBU. In your shoes, I'd be sorely tempted to ask the ILs instead. It's not about the money, I can see that. I think it's perfectly acceptable to charge, where there is a longstanding arrangement. But, when they offered, to take yours for a week, that is different, in my opinion.
Will the other children also be there? You could say that it would be too much for your parents, to have yours also.

soverylucky · 21/09/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle · 21/09/2014 22:30

Are you paying your sister for her holiday week as part of her cm contract leave? If you are then I'd be asking the inlaws as I wouldn't be paying twice.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2014 22:32

God your poor parents. Talk about stuck bw a rock and a hard place . I think a week of free child care is a pretty big ask actually. And if child minding is now a 'job' for them of course you should pay.

Pico2 · 21/09/2014 22:39

When I read your original post, I thought it was partly due to the different rates being charged. I would see the 'discount' being given to your DSis by your parents and expect them not to charge you as a sort of equalisation. So I would follow your logic and not expect to be charged.

Your DSis has got herself bargain childcare by being so poorly behaved that her own sister won't take her children. And that seems to be being rewarded.

I'd ask your inlaws and go with that if possible. I'm really lucky that my parents and PIL will step in for the odd day's childcare and see it as a treat. If only most grandparents were in a position to do this on an occasional basis and did so willingly.

MaryWestmacott · 21/09/2014 22:39

Purple - most CM contracts don't include holiday pay as CM are self employed, if you go away - but the childminder would be available, then you pay, if they go away (and so are not offering childminding services) then you don't pay.

It is not normal for someone who is self employed to charge holiday pay and sick pay, but it is normal to charge for services you have booked but not used.

I know there were questions raised by HMRC about cleaners who got sick and holiday pay, their self employed rather than employee status was questioned (and so the employer would also have to pay NI etc). I wouldn't agree to any contract that treated a CM as my employee rather than a self employed person who's services I was using.

Ticklemonster897 · 21/09/2014 22:44

The fact that she pays cheap rates for her mum and you pay full wack for a cm, means I think she should offer you the week free.

mimishimmi · 21/09/2014 22:51

I can understand why grandparents might charge if it was an ongoing thing (and they could otherwise be gainfully employed) but this is not a regular occurrence so YANBU. I couldn't imagine charging my daughter for occasional care especially if I offered and wasn't asked.

Peppa87 · 21/09/2014 22:55

I wouldn't think twice about asking IL's :)

Greatfalls · 21/09/2014 22:57

"Are they all registered CM and paying tax" what a ridiculous statement.

I'd ask your ILs and then let your mum down gently. She doesn't have to charge you for occasional childcare just because she has a regular arrangement with your sister, but she's just made a bad call in trying to be fair. Not worth a row over or feeling betrayed though.

ChasedByBees · 22/09/2014 00:08

I'd ask your ILs too. The request for money puts it on a business footing, and as you say, it's not making things fair as your sister has cheaper childcare so it's already unfair.

Ask the ILs. If you parents want to look after your children to spend time with them then they can change their mind about the money. Next time.

Bartlebee · 22/09/2014 00:20

Go with your ILs.

Tbh, I'm quite shocked that grandparents would charge for looking after them.

grannytomine · 22/09/2014 00:47

It isn't cheap to feed/entertain children. I have mine DGC 4 days week, they arrive at mine at 8ish, sometimes they want a second breakfast then i collect them in the afternoon. Two days a week I give them a snack and they get picked about 45 minutes to an hour later, two days a week they are with me for about three hours and eat with us. I often have them on Saturday so their parents can go out so I feed them Saturday night and breakfast Sunday. I don't get, or ask for, money for petrol or food but believe me it adds up and if you are a pensioner it can be a considerable proportion of your income.

Bulbasaur · 22/09/2014 03:41

Your parents are treating their grandchildren like an investment. If they only want them over when they're being paid, then treat it like a business. You can find a better price else where, take them to your IL's.

They can't have it both ways. Your children are either a business investment or they aren't. But they can't insist on spending time with their grand children and then charge you for it. Not how it works.

I'd cancel with them, inform them as this is business opportunity to them you've found a better price. Let them stamp their feet. They need to know they have "competitors" that offer a lower price that you're happy to take advantage of. Maybe next time they offer, they'll keep it free.

Gen35 · 22/09/2014 04:03

I agree with Greatfalls, your p have made a bad call and you need to let them down gently, making it clear that you don't expect to be charged for the occasional bit of help and give them time to think it over before the next time this comes up. If they incurred expenses, that's a separate issue, I'm sure you'd give them the odd bit of money for days out etc, but it's a bad precedent and you need to stand up to them, and they to your sister. And if they can't, then use IL or other care.

funnyperson · 22/09/2014 04:11

I think pay them them this time because they stepped in at short notice and did a good job and next time ask your in laws.

Grandparents are no longer occasionally asked to look after grandchildren at their convenience. No one would ask to be paid to have their grandchildren over once in a while but that isn't what happens these days.

Childminding for a working mother these days is a real committment, quite a few hours at a stretch, and takes quite a bit of precious time out of a grandparent's life and shouldn't really be unpaid. Not paying can unwittingly turn the younger elderly into slaves. As a family everyone needs to budget for childcare whether given by grandparents or not.

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