AIBU to let my dad pay for a cleaner?

[CarmineRose1978]

Some background: I'm 30 weeks pregnant with severe SPD, so bad I can barely walk and certainly can't do anything much around the house. I've been signed off work, and will be going on maternity leave a month earlier than planned on 2nd October. I feel like the house just isn't getting cleaned often or thoroughly enough. My DP is doing his best but he works full time and is often really tired at weekends and in the evening. He's doing everything while I loll on the sofa or in bed, and I feel terrible.

Worse, I'm also getting quite annoyed (and feeling guilty about that too!) because he's not cleaning as often as I'd like... It's a fortnight since he cleaned the bathrooms, or mopped or hoovered. I'm doing my best by sweeping up and using our handheld Hoover every few days, but it's extremely difficult for me to even stand. And I want to nest properly! I did suggest a cleaner to him (we can afford one) but he says he'd rather save the money and do it himself... But he's not doing it! And I can't say anything without feeling like I'm nagging and ungrateful.

Anyway, I mentioned is to my dad when we were chatting and he said he'd pay for us to have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, for the next three months - baby should be born by then and I hopefully will be recovering from SPD so will be able to do more myself. WIBU to take him up on his offer? He can afford it easily but I feel bad.

Ah OK, Carmine, it was just a thought, some people don't want to say things like that directly not like my gobby lot. Well if your Dad is OK with it I'd take up his offer, I would have loved to have a cleaner when I was pregnant and sick. Just make sure DP panders to your every need if he's being let off doing housey stuff.

Have you told him about your dad's offer?

What does he think?

Because, I would have thought that his male pride would be hurt worse with your dad sending a cleaner in than you paying for one yourself!

When I was pregnant, I was in bed sleeping almost the entire time. I literally could not stay awake for more than a few hours (and I couldn't drink caffeine to help). DH had to keep up on the house work and everything else for me.

Once I had the baby and healed up, I was able to pick up the house work and we found a routine that worked for us.

But pregnancy really is (in my opinion of course) the hardest part. He can't help you carry the baby or give you a break if you need it. Once the baby is out you can have family or friends baby for a small bit while you sleep or go out shopping, or your DH can take the baby for a night while you crash if you need it.

To the cleaner, take it. It's a gift being offered freely by someone that genuinely cares about you and wants to help. Let them help and enjoy the clean house so you and DH can focus on more important things like midnight snack runs and helping your do day to day tasks.

We don't do the bathrooms or mop or hoover every week. No-one's died, no-one's ill, all is fine.

Personally, I would insist on you guys paying for your own cleaner - I think it's probably a good idea anyway and if you can afford it you should pay for it. Lovely idea of your dad, of course.

I would definitely take him up on it. He wants to make his daughter's life easier and more comfortable and I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure it will give him peace of mind to know that you're not struggling or trying to do too much in the last weeks of pregnancy.

I think it's a lovely idea actually. It shows he really cares about you. Doing that kind of thing would never occur to my dad.

Aw your dad sounds lovely and thoughtful. Let him do this for you.

What a lovely dad. I had SPD with my second pg and I remember feeling utterly powerless. I'd have loved to have had some help! Take it with both hands.

And no I don't think your DH is lazy, like most men do not see muck and muddles!!!

pretty sure penises have never been proved to impede vision.

I'm sure your Dh is as lovely as you describe - no reason to believe otherwise. However, how on earth is your house requiring him to be cleaning 'evenings and weekends' given that you're debilitated on the sofa, he's out of the house full time (and more), and you currently have no Dc's? Surely an hour spent two or three times a week should cover it?

Have you thought about just writing a list of what needs doing and when?
It will be helpful for your husband and eventual cleaner :D
good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, spd is pants :(

Thanks for the comments, everyone.... My dad is being particularly lovely at the moment, he can't help in person so he just wants me not to be stressed out about it.

Jock, we have two cats so that increases the general messiness (muddy footprints on the tiles etc). But it's just things like crumbs on the floor, dust everywhere, the bathrooms needing a really good clean. Stuff I do as I went along usually. We both chuck bleach down the loos very day or so, and give the sinks a wipe round, but it's not the deep cleaning I feel like it needs! He also seems to spend a long time cleaning without getting as much done as I would... He did give the kitchen a really through clean this afternoon, and hoovered, but still hasn't done the bathrooms or mopped. And I feel like a nag saying, when are you going to do it?!

Walter, he said he didn't want us to take up my dad's offer and he'd do it all himself. Then spent the afternoon cleaning, after doing the weekly shop and before doing the ironing, while I sat in bed and watched Call the Midwife. I don't like him having to spend the weekend doing house stuff and the week working hard, while essentially I'm doing nothing all day! I feel bad, whether or not that's justified.

I'm going to bring it up again tomorrow, but I expect he'll still be resistant. He wants to provide and look after us himself. I might have to present him with a fait accompli.

Jennco the trouble with writing a list is that I do feel like I'm nagging. He doesn't try to make me feel like that, I'm just used to doing stuff myself when it needs doing, and we usually share tasks. So to present him with a list makes me feel like a lady of leisure while he's already working really hard for us.

You are not a lady of leisure, you are ill.

If your friend had a broken leg, would you expect her to feel bad for not doing chores?

Be kind to yourself.

I would say "I want a cleaner. Either we pay or my dad does", but nicely!

Your dp is not being malicious but really you shouldn't have to worry about this on top of everything else!

Pride won't clean your floors!

while essentially I'm doing nothing all day!

You are making a human, and it is causing you enough pain to leave you temporarily disabled. That's not nothing!

I would tell dh that you need to pay for cleaner yourselves. He isn't doing it and you can afford it. It makes no sense for dad to pay.

Why don't you sort out the weekly shop online- that's something you can do from your bed and takes one job out of the weekend

Let dad pay, it will give him a lot of pleasure to help you. You mentioned upthread that the house could do with a deep clean. How about asking your dad to pay for a one off like this rather than the weekly clean? Your DH, who sounds lovely, might then be able to keep on top of it.

Hermione, thanks for that - we kept talking about doing our shopping online and then not doing it before I got I'll, and for some reason, I had completely forgotten that... It's a great idea, and I'm going to do it!

I'm going to tell him today that we're getting a cleaner, and either we can pay or my dad will, but we're getting one. I called a few places yesterday but I guess because it's the weekend, no-one was answering, so tomorrow morning I'm setting it up. Thanks everyone for helping me see that a) I shouldn't feel guilty because I can't do anything and b) I need to put my foot down about this and also appreciate my lovely dad!

Before I got ill. Bloody iPhone autocorrect!

Your house now sounds like our house to be honest. As long as your house is hygienic (and it doesn't sound like it has turned into a minging pit, just is below your standards of cleanliness). If it's not hygienic, work out with your DP what the minimum is that he needs to do, to make it and keep it hygienic.

Re paying for the cleaner - this is again different priorities. I actually agree with DP that in your position I'd prioritise money on spending for the baby - or actually maybe enabling one or both of you to take more time off after he/she is born.

Can I also point out, that when baby arrives, you won't have as much time to spend on housework as you did pre-pregnancy. lots of people find that their standards have to slip. Maybe you should start now?

All this partner bashing is laughable couples have cleaners and nobody says oh you are both lazy the op dad had offered practical help for both of them id snap it up op get the cleaner. Some women on here will take any oportunity to have a go at lazy men

People can have different standards of what they notice needs cleaning and how frequently, and still be within an acceptable range. Sounds to me like you're higher up the scale than DP, but I don't agree with other PP criticising this or challenging how draining his job is REALLY. If you want to live at DP's level of cleanliness, do nothing; if you want to live at yours, get a cleaner. Let your Dad get the cleaner, that's what daddies are for. And just take a little care to protect your DP's feelings. For what it's worth, I think both your dad and DP sound quite lovely.

Glad you've reached a decision and that you're feeling more positive! :)