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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to let my dad pay for a cleaner?

100 replies

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 13:49

Some background: I'm 30 weeks pregnant with severe SPD, so bad I can barely walk and certainly can't do anything much around the house. I've been signed off work, and will be going on maternity leave a month earlier than planned on 2nd October. I feel like the house just isn't getting cleaned often or thoroughly enough. My DP is doing his best but he works full time and is often really tired at weekends and in the evening. He's doing everything while I loll on the sofa or in bed, and I feel terrible.

Worse, I'm also getting quite annoyed (and feeling guilty about that too!) because he's not cleaning as often as I'd like... It's a fortnight since he cleaned the bathrooms, or mopped or hoovered. I'm doing my best by sweeping up and using our handheld Hoover every few days, but it's extremely difficult for me to even stand. And I want to nest properly! I did suggest a cleaner to him (we can afford one) but he says he'd rather save the money and do it himself... But he's not doing it! And I can't say anything without feeling like I'm nagging and ungrateful.

Anyway, I mentioned is to my dad when we were chatting and he said he'd pay for us to have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, for the next three months - baby should be born by then and I hopefully will be recovering from SPD so will be able to do more myself. WIBU to take him up on his offer? He can afford it easily but I feel bad.

OP posts:
CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 14:57

jean, he's doing his best but is obviously not as clean as when both of us are doing it, and I feel bad asking him to do more.

OP posts:
Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 14:57

I think the problem is your DP, as said up thread. The fact that he is letting his pregnant partner use an unsanitary bathroom alone, would be a huge red flag to me. Please sort this out with him, after the birth will be too tiring and the issue needs sorting now. To be frank he sounds like he is lazy and has no intention of pulling his weight.

Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 14:58

How is he doing his best if he can't wipe round a loo seat and basin for two weeks?!

Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 14:59

Your Dad, by contrast, sounds like an absolute star. Bless him.

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:00

To everyone who's said my DP should do more... He really is doing his best. It's not like he won't clean, he's just not doing it as often or as well as I want it done... It's not a pigsty by any means, but I want it to be cleaner and feel frustrated that I can't do it myself. He just doesn't see things that need doing like I do. Not because he's a man or anything... He's just not as good at cleaning... But I'm not as good at other things that he does miles better.

OP posts:
Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 15:02

Fair enough. But what would happen if you showed him how to clean properly?

HermioneWeasley · 20/09/2014 15:04

It's not about noticing things - surely any reasonable adult knows that you need to clean the bathrooms, kitchen and floors AT LEAST once a week? It's basic housekeeping.

What is his job that he is so exhausted evenings and weekends?

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:06

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being defensive btw... He is a great DP and incredibly supportive, he is helping a lot, but his tolerance for grime is lower than mine. And that is bugging me at the moment. But tbh I wouldn't be doing the hoovering every day or cleaning the loo every day if I were well. It would just be done more often than it is being done now.

Part of me feels he isn't doing enough and the other part appreciates that he is doing loads especially when I basically can't doing anything.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 20/09/2014 15:06

My step sis's mil gave her a year worth of cleaning once a week after her dd was born

All these gifts to the wife just reinforce the idea that the cleaning is the woman's job. Why not a gift to both?

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:13

Sorry, his tolerance for grime is higher, I mean. I think that's what I mean! Like, I sweep up the crumbs as soon as I've made them in the kitchen but he doesn't even notice them unless I point them out. Or he uses the sponge I use for the kitchen sides for washing up and vice versa...

OP posts:
Pastperfect · 20/09/2014 15:13

Your husband is clearly not "doing his best". Not mopping for two weeks is actually pretty revolting.

Although not quite as revolting as a man who let's his fil pay for a cleaner that he can afford because he is either too lazy to whip the Hoover round or to mean to put his hand in his pocket.

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:16

Hermione, he works in IT. It's obviously not physically exhausting, but he works long hours, is often away for several nights a week, and is frequently on call at night and at the weekend, so he might get woken up several times a night to sort out an urgent IT issue (I know, urgent IT issues in the middle of the night sound unlikely, but it's emergency services related).

OP posts:
MoanerLiza · 20/09/2014 15:19

What a lovely dad!

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:21

Argh! This is hard for me to read because part of me really feels he isn't doing enough but the other part feels like he's doing such a lot! And I love him loads, he isn't sitting there lazily while I scrub up around him.... Things just don't occur to him unless I point them out but I feel bad pointing them out.

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CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:24

My dad is being lovely, Moaner! :)

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CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:34

Pastperfect I don't know if this is better or worse... But I just told DP about my dad's offer and he said he wasn't going to let my dad pay, he would do it... and he's now waist-deep in the oven giving it a scrub.

Which is great and all but I'd really rather he did the bathroom. Am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 20/09/2014 15:36

Your DH is being silly. Plenty of people have a cleaner. Plenty don't as well, but in those circumstances cleaning jobs have to be prioritised in order of need and our oven is absolutely manky (perhaps I should get someone in to clean it) .

Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 15:41

That's great, but I don't understand - why can't you just tell him the bathroom is more important? Why are you so silent about what you want?

Petitgrain · 20/09/2014 15:42

Has it occurred to you that your Dad may have made that offer because he is trying to hint that actually, your house is a bit filthy?

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:45

I don't want to hurt his feelings.... He was so proud of himself when he came to tell me he was doing the oven. He's hoovering now.

And stupid as it sounds, I do feel bad that he has to do everything while I sit on my arse and watch DVDs. When I have said that to him, he says I'm goring our child and that all I need to do... But I don't like criticising him. It's it like he'd shout or be mad, but I know he does feel hurt when he's done something and I am critical of it.

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nokidshere · 20/09/2014 15:45

Blimey lots of harsh comments here! a couple, both knackered because of different reasons, jobs getting left around the house and a woman who feels guilty - sounds a lot like many households really.

Not having mopped a floor for a week or two is not the end of the world - really it isn't - especially one that by the sounds of it has been mopped to within an inch of its life every day until now! Asking him to do something should not induce feelings of guilt either.

Tell him to stop being an arse and accept your dad's lovely offer then you both have time to chill for a bit. If you both decide not to then sit down and work out which bits of housework really need doing and which bits can wait for a bit.

And, if it helps, I work at home, dh works long hours, we have a cleaner once a week and I still begrudge having to do the bits in between her visits and will avoid it at all costs :)

WorraLiberty · 20/09/2014 15:46

I was just going to say perhaps people should lay off the OP now she seems to be getting the message.

Then I read this He was so proud of himself when he came to tell me he was doing the oven

Jesus wept

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:48

Petitgrain, hahahaha! No. My dad hasn't visited us since Easter and wouldn't know a filthy house if one punched him in the face. You should see his place since my mum died. He does have a cleaner but does nothing between her visits so it's lovely on a Tuesday evening and a health hazard by Monday afternoon.

I had a friend round the other day, and apologised for the mess. She is a tells it like it is person and she said it looked fine to her... It's not filthy, it's just not as clean as I want it to be.

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LEMmingaround · 20/09/2014 15:49

Sounds like a great plan. Grandparents like to contribute. This is a great way for him to really really help. HONESTLY. Go for it x

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:50

Ps, Dad hasn't visited because he lives far far away, not because he can't be bothered.

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