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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to let my dad pay for a cleaner?

100 replies

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 13:49

Some background: I'm 30 weeks pregnant with severe SPD, so bad I can barely walk and certainly can't do anything much around the house. I've been signed off work, and will be going on maternity leave a month earlier than planned on 2nd October. I feel like the house just isn't getting cleaned often or thoroughly enough. My DP is doing his best but he works full time and is often really tired at weekends and in the evening. He's doing everything while I loll on the sofa or in bed, and I feel terrible.

Worse, I'm also getting quite annoyed (and feeling guilty about that too!) because he's not cleaning as often as I'd like... It's a fortnight since he cleaned the bathrooms, or mopped or hoovered. I'm doing my best by sweeping up and using our handheld Hoover every few days, but it's extremely difficult for me to even stand. And I want to nest properly! I did suggest a cleaner to him (we can afford one) but he says he'd rather save the money and do it himself... But he's not doing it! And I can't say anything without feeling like I'm nagging and ungrateful.

Anyway, I mentioned is to my dad when we were chatting and he said he'd pay for us to have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, for the next three months - baby should be born by then and I hopefully will be recovering from SPD so will be able to do more myself. WIBU to take him up on his offer? He can afford it easily but I feel bad.

OP posts:

FuckOffWeasel · 20/09/2014 15:51

I think YABU you have the money to do it but you would let your df pay for it instead as your dh won't "let" you.

Either work out a rota where he actually tidies or pay for it yourself.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:52

Thanks, nokids. That does help :)

OP posts:

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 20/09/2014 15:54

Why won't your DP pay or let your dad pay as a gift? It's clearly the sensible thing to do.

VestaCurry · 20/09/2014 15:54

Get the help Carmine. SPD isn't going to get better during the latter stages of your pregnancy. I was permanently on crutches in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, unable to properly weight bear on my feet due to the SPD. Luckily my Aunty (v v close to my Mum who had died) came to stay and helped. I had a dc 21 months who was raging because I could no longer pick him up, in fact had to lie flat mostly to get relief from the searing pain. There at times to call in the troops and if you can, this is one of them.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 20/09/2014 15:56

I mean, it's not surprising that one person is finding it hard to fit in a chore that both used to share; it's a no brainer to outsource it if money is more readily available than time.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 15:57

Bland, stupid male pride, I guess. He think he can keep on top of it, would rather spend the money in things for the baby and doesn't want my dad to pay.

Vesta, I'm on crutches too. It's pretty grim. I'm TERRIFIED it won't get better afterwards.

OP posts:

MrsPiggie · 20/09/2014 15:58

By all means accept your dad's offer. And don't mind the harsh comments about your DH - he seems OK to me. After a week at work neither me nor DH feel like spending our weekend mopping the floors, I can only imagine what state the house would be in if we didn't share the housework.

prettywhiteguitar · 20/09/2014 16:00

Tell your dp you need the cleaner either he pays or your dad. End of subject !

Mine was weird about it until I told him we were just getting one, my decision

FuckOffWeasel · 20/09/2014 16:02

OP, what will you do after you have children and one of you needs help?

My dh just had surgery so that means I'm doing all the house work and taking care of three children if we could afford a cleaner we'd have one trust me. It wouldn't be fair for me to expect ill dh to wallow in filth because he isn't well would it? So I am getting on with it.. it's just what you do! You need to work out all this sort of thing now before you have kids as it only gets worse after you have them

MTWTFSS · 20/09/2014 16:04

YANBU!!! That would be an excellent present to give you for the baby :)

My parents gave me money for a cot but if I had had bad SPD I would have taken the cleaner instead :)

My Grandma paid for my mum to have a cleaner for the first 3 months after I (DC2) was born :)

VestaCurry · 20/09/2014 16:06

Carmine, it disappeared, literally overnight for me, after I had ds2. That seems to be the experience of lots of people suffer with this. Maybe it's me, but I do think there's a complete lack of understanding about these problems that can occur in pregnancy.

2old2beamum · 20/09/2014 16:07

Carmine let your Dad pay if that is what he would like to do.
And no I don't think your DH is lazy, like most men do not see muck and muddles!!!

Try and enjoy the last of your pregnancy.
BTW I have a cleaner (too many kids!!)

Bogeyface · 20/09/2014 16:07

~The problem is that when you or your dad suggest getting a cleaner, you are cutting his balls off.

Some men go into overdrive when there is a baby on the way. He is the man, he must provide, he must take care of his pg wife. Any suggestion that he isnt doing that properly hits his core being and is a criticism of him as husband and provider and questions his masculinity.

Of course its not true in terms of how you view him,but thats how some men feel and it sounds like he is one of them.

I suggest that you approach it one of two ways. Either sit him down and say that you cant enjoy weekends etc with him if he is always scrubbing and cleaning so you want to take your dad up on his offer so that you and DH can spend more time together. Phrase it like you need his company more than you need him to be cleaning and he might go for it.

The other way is to be truly honest about the state of the house. Is it really that bad? Would it hurt to dial down your expectations for a few months? I had horrendous SPD when I had DD2 & 3 and DS2, so I understand how hard it is. We couldnt afford a cleaner so I just had to accept that things were going to be different for a few months. And actually it was good prep for when the baby came because you simply cant keep up with pre-baby cleaning routines when you have a newborn.

A friend of mine asked how I cope with 6 and I said that my standards dropped with each new baby, and its true! and my SPD improved immeasurably within hours of the birth and I was back to normal within a few weeks. I do sometime get the odd twinge if I have over done it but its rare that it is a serious ongoing problem.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:10

Vesta thanks for that reassurance.... I'm so sick of it now. I've been like this for a month and have nearly 10 weeks left to go. I just struggled down onto my knees to get something off a bottom shelf (stupid, I know) and couldn't stand up again.... I had to crawl into our bedroom to climb up again, and ended crying because it's just so humiliating as well as painful.

OP posts:

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 20/09/2014 16:12

"Bland, stupid male pride, I guess. He think he can keep on top of it, would rather spend the money in things for the baby and doesn't want my dad to pay. "

Well, but this is causing you pain and stress. Stopping that is a better thing to spend money on than most things.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:14

Bogey you have hit the nail on the head exactly. He's so excited and happy to be a dad, he's so enthusiastic about it all. He's been absolutely lovely with me through you, can't do enough in the way if looking after me personally (bringing me drinks and sticking my TENS patches on, helping me in and out of the shower, holding my hair while I vomited (morning sickness up to week 22 :( ), cuddling me and feeling the baby kick, massages, chocolate, can't do enough.... But he's shit at seeing what needs doing around the house... And wants to feel he's doing everything perfectly.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:15

Throughout, not through you...

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 20/09/2014 16:16

Now your DH is being silly. Tell him you would rather, when he is home, that he spend the time with you as you are bored and lonely home alone and hurting all day. So: cleaner, gift from dad. Happening. You guys can spend the evening online or catalog shopping with your funds for the baby.

Wait, he is gone OVERNIGHT when you are in this condition? Forget your dad's kind offer, it sounds like your midwife or doctor should be arranging for a bit of household help to come in every day! The bathroom should be clean, the kitchen tidy, a bit of laundry done and you need some food prepped because you shouldn't be on those crutches more than necessary.

PiperIsOrange · 20/09/2014 16:22

I feel for you. Due to an op on my knee my house has gone into ruins, can't afford a cleaner. Dh is not very good at cleaning.

I have just had to lower my standards.

PiperIsOrange · 20/09/2014 16:22

I feel for you. Due to an op on my knee my house has gone into ruins, can't afford a cleaner. Dh is not very good at cleaning.

I have just had to lower my standards.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:22

Mom would they really do that?! I never even thought to mention my DP going away to my midwife or doctor.

We're both hoping he won't have to go away again til next year now. His boss has lifted quite a lot of that off him in recent weeks.

I would so much rather have him snuggled up next to me on the sofa right now, instead of cleaning... I'll bring it l again tomorrow, in the way you suggested.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:28

Thanks Piper. I hope your knee is better soon.

OP posts:

littlesupersparks · 20/09/2014 16:30

People are being crazy harsh about your DH - he's not a waste of space to not keep on top of housework for god's sake!

If your DH agrees get the cleaner. Don't let him get pig headed about it - this is a time when many of us would have family around to help - you don't have that luxury, your dad is offering the next best thing.

Enjoy the time with your partner planning and relaxing before the birth.

I bet what it is is that you normally have v high standards, not that your DP is lazy/slovenly. Don't let the negative comments here make you treat him differently.

Original poster

CarmineRose1978 · 20/09/2014 16:45

Thanks, littlesupersparks. He really isn't a waste of space, he's lovely.

And I am super anal about keeping the kitchen clean especially. I like it to be spotless again as soon as we've finished eating, but he's more laid back about crumbs on the table etc.

OP posts:

Pastperfect · 20/09/2014 18:23

Wanting the kitchen floor mopped more than once a fortnight is not "super anal".

And why should you have to lower your expectations? Wanting a clean kitchen and bathrooms is not unreasonable, nor unusual. I'm not saying this to stick the boot in but your DH really needs to step up, you can't manage so he needs to do a bit extra. He can be excited and still manage to keep on top of the cleaning.

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