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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be happy with this babysitter?

58 replies

AtlantisMonkey · 18/09/2014 08:12

I have a 2 yo and live a long distance away from family other than my sister. We have a big event coming up in the next couple of weeks, sister and all our friends attending so had no babysitter. Friends recommended a babysitter they use frequently, 22 years old, mature, friendly, lovely girl. Thought I was all sorted.

Mentioned to another friend as they know her boyfriend and they told me about a recent encounter with her bf. He was in a bar 'off his head' and was telling them how much cocaine he's been snorting recently. "Can't get enough of it" he says.

He won't be with her while she's babysitting, he'll actually be at the same function I'm going to. AIBU to cancel her? I don't know if she even knows about his drug taking but on the other hand I don't know if she also "can't get enough of it" when she's out. She has a full time job working with children and obviously won't be doing anything illegal while babysitting but it's making me uncomfortable. I'm leaning towards cancelling going to the event and also telling the friends who recommended her (I'm going to tell them either way so they can make their own minds up). Or am I being pfb seeing as her boyfriend won't be near my house?

OP posts:

PenisesAreNotPink · 18/09/2014 08:14

I think that would be really wrong, it's not her it's someone she knows - she's 18, she might finish with him next week!

pippinleaf · 18/09/2014 08:16

I would never take a risk with my child.

littlejohnnydory · 18/09/2014 08:17

Can you spend some time with the girl beforehand? I wouldn't be happy to leave my children with anyone I and they didn't know well, tbh - that's probably why it's years since I've been out without them though as we don't live near family either.

Based on what you've said, I wouldn't.

LadyLuck10 · 18/09/2014 08:19

I wouldn't, if you don't feel comfortable then just don't take the chance.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 18/09/2014 08:22

"obviously won't be doing anything illegal while babysitting"

Can you guarantee that?

I know an extremely experienced Montessori qualified nanny. She's a stoner. She is dependent on weed as others are on Benson and Hedges. She doesn't smoke normal cigarettes but smokes weed throughout the day.

I wouldn't be leaving my 2 year old in the care of any unsupervised person I didn't know.

Loopylala7 · 18/09/2014 09:58

I would feel uncomfortable trusting her. I would personally cancel, but instead of broadcasting why, I would tell her directly 'I'm sorry to cancel on you, but a close friend told me that your boyfriend has been bragging openly about his cocaine use, and if I'm honest this has made me question his company. I'm sure if it was your child you would understand my decision. It's your choice to be with him, but I felt I had to be truthful, his hobby could be detrimental to your career choice'.

Ludways · 18/09/2014 10:04

Talk to her, it's not even her that you've heard about, only about her boyfriend second hand.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/09/2014 10:13

I don't think it would put me off given that the boyfriend deffo won't be there. Not sure though. She probably is a good babysitter.

GiveTwoSheets · 18/09/2014 10:17

Talk to her she might not be aware and if she works with children anyway this could damage her reputation on what could be just hearsay.

maras2 · 18/09/2014 10:23

penises why do you think that she's 18? OP,I don't think that I would have her as a babysitter,Her judgement is somewhat skewed having such a heavy drug user for a boyfriend.Best be on the safe side.

HicDraconis · 18/09/2014 10:25

I wouldn't be happy using her as a babysitter, no. I'd see if I could find someone else that I knew and trusted but if not I'd look at cancelling going to whatever function it is.

I would be honest about why I was cancelling her as well. Drugs are an absolute no in this house and I would question her attitude to them if she's happy to be with someone so open about his drug use.

ooerrmissus · 18/09/2014 10:32

So you want to cancel the babysitter, who comes recommended, on the basis that a friend of yours is friends with her boyfriend and claims he was boasting about drug use whilst drunk?

Fine but by that logic you'd have to ditch your friend as well. Surely they are the ones that are friends with him so that puts their judgement in question too!

TBH I would talk to her, it may be that he was talking out of his arse to 'impress' some friends and she knows nothing about it. It may be they haven't been going out long. It may be your friend has their own agenda. But it would be very unfair to judge her based on gossip.

chesterberry · 18/09/2014 11:37

I would be fine with the babysitter if she comes recommended and you know she works with children. As far as I'm concerned what people do in their personal time is their business so long as it doesn't effect their ability to be professional in a work capacity. What you've heard could just be gossip but even if it is true and her boyfriend does take cocaine I don't see why that would effect her ability to be a good babysitter.

That said my judgement may be skewed, I grew up in a community where drug taking was somewhat the norm and don't see recreational drug taking any differently to drinking alcohol. I have friends who take drugs recreationally who I have left caring for my DD just as I have friends who drink alcohol recreationally who I have left caring for my DD but I wouldn't expect any of them to ever be taking any such drugs, legal or otherwise, whilst babysitting.

However, only you know if you will be able to relax and feel comfortable at this function knowing your DC is with this babysitter. I appreciate that drugs are a complete no-no for many people so if you won't feel happy leaving your DC with her then I think you have to look for someone else. I would be honest about your reasons to her too.

Original poster

AtlantisMonkey · 18/09/2014 11:48

Thanks for all your input. My gut feeling is to cancel and your replies have confirmed this. I just can't take any chances, however small, with my child.

Just in reply to some of your comments, I have met her and she was lovely and my son was very taken with her, that's what made me comfortable leaving him in her care. However I don't know her well enough to bring up his drug use, and wouldn't feel comfortable doing this. I will tell my other friends who use her as a babysitter though. I don't see this as gossip or heresay, I think they have a right to know and make their own decisions about future use. I am 100% certain that the friend I heard it from is telling the truth, they're very trustworthy and have no reason to tell lies about this person. I did wonder if this was a case of boasting as the friend who told me doesn't know him well, more a friend of a friend.

She is 22 has been going out with him over a year and they live together.

No, I wouldn't be able to relax leaving my baby with her anyway, just needed to hear it from others. Thanks.

OP posts:

BettyFlour · 18/09/2014 11:48

I would feel uncomfortable too. But that's besides the point. This is your child. If you feel uncomfortable, then it isn't worth it.

Original poster

AtlantisMonkey · 18/09/2014 11:49

Hearsay not heresay

OP posts:

TangledUpInGin · 18/09/2014 19:31

I think it's outrageous that you're going to cancel someone doing a service because of something you've heard from someone else that their partner may or may not have done.

Do you think you might be feeling uncomfortable leaving your dd full stop and are looking for excuses not to??

Snatchoo · 18/09/2014 19:39

I agree with Tangled

Something her boyfriend - not her - might have done and you think you can't trust her? Doesn't the fact that she's qualified to look after small children override whatever idiocies her boyfriend takes part in?

I suspect you would probably be ok with your mum looking after him and having a glass of wine, even though she would have her judgement impaired. I think your concern is completely misplaced and you and your DS should just meet the woman first so she isn't a complete stranger.

LiegeAndLief · 18/09/2014 19:47

I absolutely would not cancel her on this basis and I'm quite surprised at the number of people who would. Obviously you should do what you feel comfortable with, but I would not consider her boyfriend taking drugs on a night out a risk factor in terms of her using drugs whilst looking after your child.

My friend bumped into my dh recently after one too many pints on a night out - she is still happy for me to sit for her dc. It was no indication that I was going to sit in her living room getting ratarsed.

LiegeAndLief · 18/09/2014 19:49

Come to think of it, my friend has also seen ME after one too many pints on several occasions - same thing applies!

SoonToBeSix · 18/09/2014 19:53

Really you are going to cancel? How is your potential babysitter responsible for her boyfriends actions. I think you are massively overreacting.

Jolleigh · 18/09/2014 19:56

Talk to her.

I had no idea my ex was doing cocaine. Others did. I left as soon as I found out (6 week old baby in tow). I'd have hated knowing people judged me for actions someone else did that I found just as abhorrent as they did.

ApocalypseNowt · 18/09/2014 19:58

I wouldn't cancel nor would the thought have even occurred to me. It's not her, it's her boyfriend and on top of that it's second hand information.

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2014 20:06

Please rethink cancelling her without saying why ESPECIALLY if you are then going to say why behind her back to your mutual friends who recommended her. It IS gossip! You could really damage her reputation without any good evidence. You said yourself the boyfriend will be at the party you're at, so there's really no risk whatsoever to your child.

Your choice to cancel if it's left doubt in your mind, of course, but it's really not on at all to broadcast gossip about her partner and cast doubt on her professional standards because someone she knows might be a recreational drug-user. Totally different if your mate had seen her with him on the occasion he was allegedly doing drugs, but she wasn't. She could be unaware of what he does in his time alone.

Please rethink telling your friends gossip.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 18/09/2014 20:09

We are judged by the company we keep.

I wouldnt leave my child with the partner of a drug addict, and Im a feckless and lax parent a t the best of times.

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