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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be happy with this babysitter?

58 replies

AtlantisMonkey · 18/09/2014 08:12

I have a 2 yo and live a long distance away from family other than my sister. We have a big event coming up in the next couple of weeks, sister and all our friends attending so had no babysitter. Friends recommended a babysitter they use frequently, 22 years old, mature, friendly, lovely girl. Thought I was all sorted.

Mentioned to another friend as they know her boyfriend and they told me about a recent encounter with her bf. He was in a bar 'off his head' and was telling them how much cocaine he's been snorting recently. "Can't get enough of it" he says.

He won't be with her while she's babysitting, he'll actually be at the same function I'm going to. AIBU to cancel her? I don't know if she even knows about his drug taking but on the other hand I don't know if she also "can't get enough of it" when she's out. She has a full time job working with children and obviously won't be doing anything illegal while babysitting but it's making me uncomfortable. I'm leaning towards cancelling going to the event and also telling the friends who recommended her (I'm going to tell them either way so they can make their own minds up). Or am I being pfb seeing as her boyfriend won't be near my house?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2014 20:16

Fine to judge, fine to feel uncomfortable and decide not to leave your kids, not fine to broadcast gossip without at least being honest with the poor girl.

annielouisa · 18/09/2014 20:19

Please let this girl at least defend herself. She may not know her DP actions if he behaves differently around her. As a previous poster said everyone else new but her.

ThatBloodyWoman · 18/09/2014 20:20

If people have been happy with her babysitting their children, I wouldn't hold it against her what her bf does.

Trills · 18/09/2014 20:23

If you are going to cancel on her, you owe it to be honest with her about why.

Bowlersarm · 18/09/2014 20:25

The babysitters boyfriend will be nowhere near your child. Why do you need to cancel the babysitter?

Laquitar · 18/09/2014 20:26

If you dont feel comfortable then you will not enjoy your rare night out so itis better if you find someone else.
It is not as she relies on it to pay bills and eat, it is only one night and she has other jobs.

However if your friend offers to babysit or to recommend you someone then dont take her offer. Ime people try to scare you about babysitters/cleaners and then they 'happen' to know someone who can cover.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/09/2014 20:32

I think that cancelling the babysitter on thje basis that her boyfriend takes cocaine when he goes out is insane.

XiCi · 18/09/2014 20:36

I agree that it's a complete overreaction and can't believe you are going to spread the story to people who are happy using her services. Are you wanting to ruin her career over a bit of gossip from the pub, not even gossip about her but her bf? The bf could very well have been winding people up for a laugh, you just don't know. And even if he wasn't why should his behaviour affect her job and abilities as a childminder?

Joshuajosephspork · 18/09/2014 20:57

Another one here who thinks you are massively overreacting. Agree with everything XiCi says.

NoodleOodle · 18/09/2014 21:06

You take the word of friends who hang out in pubs, with drunk people? I think your judgment radar is off.

CobbOnn · 18/09/2014 21:21

Really interesting thread. Would you feel the same if you heard her boyfriend couldn't get enough of jaegerbombs at the moment?

I read what you said as him taking coke on a night out, that it'd the current flavour of the month- as vodka redbull/ jaegerbombs/ flaming sambucas may once have been.

Is it fair to judge this girl on what her boyfriend does on his weekends?

Fuchsteufel · 18/09/2014 21:31

But he isn't being invited to babysit - she is. She was recommended. I think you are over reacting too.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2014 21:46

If you spread that story isn't it slander?

And you could ruin the girl's reputation on sheer gossip.

I do think cancelling her could be doing her a favour though.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/09/2014 21:51

I'm really surprised at the first tranche of responses.
How is what her boyfriend does have any bearing on her?
My dh enjoys the odd spliff, that doesn't mean I do. (I don't btw).

ByeByeButterfly · 18/09/2014 22:01

Cancel her.
It'll save the poor girl from putting up with a neurotic parent.
Slander away but expect her to be hurt, upset and not even know about her boyfriends activities.
But sure do what you like re cancelling but slagging her off is just plain cuntish tbh.

DrCarolineTodd · 19/09/2014 01:57

I have a really good, kind, responsible friend who does a flippin' excellent job of babysitting for friends' kids as needed. He's endlessly patient and a natural due to caring for younger siblings as a child.

He sometimes takes drugs recreationally. On his own time. I wouldn't cancel but YANBU if you don't feel happy.

MrsBoldon · 19/09/2014 04:07

It is absolutely gossip if you go around spreading unfounded rumours about her!.

How could you think it isn't?. It will be horrible behaviour if you do that.

Hakluyt · 19/09/2014 04:42

"However I don't know her well enough to bring up his drug use, and wouldn't feel comfortable doing this. I will tell my other friends who use her as a babysitter though. I don't see this as gossip or heresay, I think they have a right to know and make their own decisions about future use."

They have a right to know? And what about her right to know what gossips are saying about her?

Frostox · 19/09/2014 04:43

YABVVU - I had to read the OP several times to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding, I didn't think you could POSSIBLY mean that you were going to cancel a 'mature, friendly, lovely' recommended babysitter who has been recommended to you on the basis that her OH takes coke. LET ALONE that you would try to damage her reputation by spreading it round! If her OH takes drugs, that's his business - we're all adults here.

Thinking about it, the posters above are right - do cancel her, I'd be horrified if she actually babysat for you whilst you were scheming to damage her professional reputation on the basis of something that she hasn't even done. How very dare you?!

honeycrest · 19/09/2014 05:07

You are massively over reacting! What her boyfriend does is no reflection on her. Even if she did take cocaine whilst on a night out, so what? It doesn't mean that she would do it while looking after your child. If she was seen out drinking on a Saturday night, would you also cancel on the basis that she is clearly an alcoholic who would drink alcohol whilst caring for your child?

You sound reluctant to leave your child with someone who isn't family and so you are using this as an excuse to cancel. That's fine. Telling the other parents who use her services, and are apparently perfectly happy with her seeing as they recommended her, is malicious and petty.

AdmitYouKnowImRight calling the babysitter "the partner of a drug addict" is a bit of a leap to make based on some secondhand gossip from the pub.

livsmommy · 19/09/2014 05:18

She probably has no idea he takes cocaine or has been boasting about his drug use.

DirtyOldTown · 19/09/2014 05:42

I don't see this as gossip or heresay

Which word don't you understand, OP? You heard the story from a friend and not from the source, that would be the very definition of heresay.
You don't feel comfortable speaking to the babysitter about her bfs drug use, but you'll tell your friends about it. That would be gossip.

HTH.

peppapigonaloop · 19/09/2014 05:43

I can't believe you are going to cancel her based on something her boyfriend allegedly boasted about in a pub! And then spread rumours about her even further, without giving her the chance to defend herself!! you are massively over-reacting, potentially damaging her livelihood based on a bit of gossip. Hope you come back to this thread as you seem to have taken the opinion of a couple of posters as backing you up when the rest actually think you are over reacting.

Surfsup1 · 19/09/2014 06:41

She's 22 - I'd be pretty surprised if any of the babysitters I've used don't have close friends/boyfriends/girlfriends who used recreational drugs nor would I be surprised if any of them use them themselves from time to time. I'm also well aware that lots of the lovely parents of DC's friends probably dabble from time to time. It seems to be pretty pervasive in most middle-class circles IME.
Unless they've got a serious addiction I can't see how it impacts on babysitting abilities.
YAB a bit ridiculous!

FuckOffWeasel · 19/09/2014 06:45

Bring up her bf to her and see how she responds. I wouldn't want him around my kids, and I'd always worry that at some point she'd bring him around them (even if not on this occasion)

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