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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband took no photos of me holding newborn son till 3 weeks in

85 replies

joinupthedots · 17/09/2014 09:05

Our son is now nearly 4 months old and I'm realising how devasted I am not to have these early photos of me holding him. There are some head shots of me with DS but none of me cradling him. I'm really upset about it and finding it hard to get over at the moment especially as I seemed to take photos of everyone else with him. Did this happen to anyone else? Am I being unreasonable feeling so gutted?

OP posts:
BackInTheGame · 17/09/2014 10:24

Oh dear this seems to be a bit of a male disease! (sorry men!) My dad was the absolute worst at this and it drove (and still drives) my mum around the bend! She too is not in many pics from when we were young as she always had to take them all. My dad's worst was at my brother's fifth birthday party, his first proper one with about 30 friends, all the family and neighbours, when he was super excited and dressed as batman, his favourite super hero. My mum had been strict with my dad and made sure he took lots of pics throughout the day. But sadly this was in the days before digital cameras and when they went to take the film out the next day to send off for developing...they found there was no film in the camera and hadn't been for the party! He had literally been pressing a button and capturing nothing!

Bouttimeforwine · 17/09/2014 10:30

I've done that too in the dim and distant past. The disappointment when you found no film was huge.

Cupcakes123 · 17/09/2014 10:40

I had to force my DP to take photos of me and my DS. I don't think men really think like we do Hmm

Just make sure you take lots going forward!

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 17/09/2014 10:53

Poor you, I am sorry you are upset. You have so much time for photos of you and DC from now on, and the first three weeks seem so insignificant if you have say 15/16 years of photos after that.

I recently felt a bit disappointed we had hardly any photos of DC as babies, so have made an effort over the last year to take lots and have framed them and filled the hall/stairs/landing - maybe you could start from now and see this as the beginning?

Do you think you are perhaps connecting it with the loss of your mum and over-focussing on this? I know when I gave birth each time, I didn't have full blown PND but suffered badly with anxiety and little things really bothered me, I got a lot of things out of proportion I think, looking back.

Maybe you would feel better if you started doing the "photo journey" (sorry that sounds wanky) or maybe started filling albums? I hope you feel happier soon.

redexpat · 17/09/2014 11:13

I dont have a photo of me cradling newborn DS. Live and learn. DD due in November. Will most definitely have pictures of me and her!

kentishgirl · 17/09/2014 11:29

Some people aren't all that interested in photos. It isn't personal, so if you want some of yourself you have to ask for them.

I have a black sack full of photo albums and photos. DP has about 5 photos stashed away. As a couple, guess who we have photos of, and who we don't. I finally got our first proper non-selfie by me photo of us together last weekend when I asked someone else to take one. We've been together a year and a half.

I don't think he'd ever bother. It's no reflection of his feelings about me, but I understand it can seem hurtful at times.

AliceLidl · 17/09/2014 11:32

I was a bit upset when I realised we have only two photo's of me while I was visibly pregnant, one at six months, so a smallish bump, and one at 38 weeks with a bloody enormous one. It's not the best photo either and I'd got it into my head that somewhere there ought to be at least one lovely one of me, looking all round and glowing in glamorous maternity wear and lovingly holding my belly, so I could show DS it in years to come and he might want to put it in a nice frame. I blame that Christmas film Sarah Jessica Parker did for that, I watched it in the grip of hormones and it gave me ideas. Blush

What we actually have is one picture of me in stretchy sweatpants and a hoodie that wouldn't zip up across my belly any more, looking like death in need of a good bath, hauling my bulk across the living room in search of the Gaviscon and seething with 'end of pregnancy rage'. Nobody's framing that one.

But for a good few weeks after I realised I'm missed my photo opportunity I felt quite sad about it.

I know you can't go back and take the photo's but they aren't the only way for you to remember the newborn days.

Can you write down anything and everything you remember, so you can go back and look at it any time you like in the future? Keep a memory box of first outfits, tiny socks, anything you brought home from the hospital, a list of who came to visit and when, a muslin square, a bottle of baby lotion to sniff, something you wore while you held him, anything at all that makes you think of your DS as a newborn. You won't forget but there's more than photographs to help you remember

And, if you can afford it, book a session with a photographer now, for as soon as possible, for some lovely shots of you and your DS while he is still tiny.

DeWee · 17/09/2014 11:33

Df was the photographer in our family growing up. We'd go out for a family day with his camera around his neck and come back, develop th firl... to find her had taken 30 photos of views, 2 of the car, 2 which were meant to be of the view but had one of our heads (usually from the back) in the way, 1 of dm and 1 (which dm had insisted of him taking) of the three of us dc, where my db had sneezed just as he'd taken it, one of me and dsis would have our eyes closed and the other would have bad red eye. Grin
Then to add insult to injury for dm, he'd produce the pictures and say "got some lovely photos this time" and dm would think oh good...

He was a good photographer, just not of people.

janeoflanternhill · 17/09/2014 11:41

That happened to me too :(
I had a chat with my hubby and explained how upset I was. He said he was sorry and he just hadn't realized. He still doesn't think of it but he'll do his best with the camera when I ask him to because he knows it matters to me now.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 17/09/2014 11:42

I was actually looking through my mums photos at the weekend, saw one of me looking HUUGE wearing a maternity jumper, I felt pleased that I'd got a photo of me when pregnant as we haven't got any. Turned the page and I was in same outfit, still looking HUUGE but with all my three kids, one was clearly new born Grin.

I felt like burning it Smile. You may think it's a blessing in years to come!

DuelingFanjo · 17/09/2014 11:47

I remember feeling like this when ,y son was in special care and all the other mums in the NCT group had lovely post-birth pictures of them snuggling their baby. it will pass.

KeeperOfBees · 17/09/2014 11:53

A few months ago there was a documentary about an american girl with a genetic disorder that meant she would never grow bigger than a toddler. She sadly passed away, and I remember how amazing her father was at taking photos of her and her sisters.
He had them filed, documented and cross referenced.
Made me sad that dd and ds fsther doesn't take any photos.

Notacs · 17/09/2014 12:00

I have to admit this is a regret I have. I've now lost both parents. They took loads of pictures of us but hardly any with them, just endless ones of brother and I. When my mum died when I was 16 I had barely any photos of us both.

Then we hardly saw my dad so no pictures of me with him either.

SignoraStronza · 17/09/2014 12:05

6 days in here and just realised I don't have a single photo of me with dc3. Not sure I have any of me with either of the older ones either. I think dh realises how cross I'd be if I saw myself on camera - would probably bite his head off if he tried!
That said I think my chest features in a few of the photos!

DorothyMantooth · 17/09/2014 12:07

I have very, very few, and most of them are truly awful. However there are about 3000 of DMIL with DD in her first week, which agitates me no end. This is mainly an indication of my problem with DMIL and the way she imposed herself in DD's early days, but also reflects the fact that DH is not very assertive in these matters. I still feel sad (and angry) about these things when I think of them, but as other posters have said, you can't change the past and I find it better not to dwell on it. There will be many, many photos of you and DS in your future, even if you do take them yourself.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 17/09/2014 12:12

I feel for you. I too struggle to find photos of me with my DCs as XH was rubbish at taking them (funnily he had photos of every car, bike and motorbike he's ever owned, from every angle, plenty of lovely sunsets and landscapes, but never any people!

I do feel sad that my DCs won't be able to see in future how loved they were and that I was always with them and always hugging them (they were all BF so pretty much glued to me for the first year or so!)

Now I actively ask my DP to take photos of us all and I will always take several of him to make sure he looks good in at least one of them (he is a handsome man but doesn't photograph well!) so he knows he has to take a few of me as well.

At least these days we can look at the ones that have been taken and go for a rerun if they're no good, unlike in the early days with DS1 when you had to send the film away for processing, only to find that any with me in were out of focus or with my head chopped off Angry

Fairywhitebear · 17/09/2014 12:15

My husband took the newborn photos of our son (as in newborn newborn still with cord attached!) on his phone. Which he didn't back up. Which he then lost.

Feel better now?! Grin

I have one photo of me with him as a newborn. One. Where I am not dressed and look terrible, just post awful c section. Certainly not one for the album! So no, you're not the only one!

crazykat · 17/09/2014 12:30

I can see where you're coming from. I hate having my photo taken as I need to lose weight and hate how I look so there aren't many photos of me let alone with the kids.

I have a few when they were just born and one or two from the weeks/months after.

I'm always taking photos of the kids with DH/others but he just doesn't think to take ones of me with the kids. It drives me nuts sometimes but then its partly my fault for being camera-shy.

Ask your DH to take some photos of you and your baby. Yes it would be nice if he did it but at the same time he can't read your mind and know that you want him to.

Subhuman · 17/09/2014 12:33

Did you take any of him cradling the baby?

ToastyFingers · 17/09/2014 12:41

I don't have any pictures of me cradling DD as a newborn, TV I don't really like the 'mum and baby looking rough, that's parenthood for you' type photos. Dp is a photographer and wants to take loads of pictures all the time, but for me, seeing the reality of a situation in a photo ruins the lovely rose-tinted memories for me.

ToastyFingers · 17/09/2014 12:43

Meant 'tbh' not TV sorry.

Bellwether · 17/09/2014 12:43

I often joke that if I go missing or die tragically, the photo they use in the newspapers will be a school photo. Maybe the theatre headshot from when I was 9.

I've started taking some of myself and the kids using a self-timer. It's so sad and pathetic, seeing as I have a husband with full use of his hands, but he literally takes the camera off me, snaps it and hands it back, having managed to take a photo of someone's shoulder or something. Depressing cliché, huh.

Fishlegs · 17/09/2014 12:49

I've only got pictures of me cradling newborn dc1. Was looking at pics taken so far of dc4 (3 weeks old) and the only ones dh took in the first few days are ones where his mother is holding the baby. Grrr!

sarahighseas · 17/09/2014 12:53

Yabu. Its just photos. Far too many people are obsessed with taking photos rather than experiencing things with their own eyes.

BikketBikketBikket · 17/09/2014 12:56

I think that this is something that has become much more of a 'problem' in recent years, as good cameras on phones and excellent compact digital cameras have become widely available.
My DC can't understand why I don't have many any pictures of them as newborns, and trying to explain the whole 'buying a film, taking some pictures, sending the film off to be developed (at what was vast expense to us then), waiting two weeks and hoping that some of them came out okay' business really is one of those huge age-gap holes that it is impossible to bridge... Smile
It's all so much easier now, and the instant gratification of seeing the picture immediately has completely erased the past. The first picture that I have of my PFB is in his pram when he was six weeks old - seems amazing even to me, but it was perfectly normal 40 years ago Grin

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