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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

According to "d"P - My 15 year old is the only 15 year old in the world with an attitude

108 replies

GeeGeeAnee · 17/09/2014 08:31

I have two boys aged 13 and 15. Both can be difficult at times (as all kids can) but my eldest really isn't a bad kid at all. He's never been in trouble at school or outside of the home, is top set in most of his school subjects, is generally well mannered and well behaved and has kept a paper round up for almost two years getting up religiously at 6am 6 days a week to earn his own money.

Now yeah, some times he can have a bit of an attitude. He's 15 after all, he knows everything there is to know about everything. DP just cannot see this for what it is though and makes a massive deal out of it each time he does it.

Last night I was working night shift and got a text from DP saying DS had been chucking a football around in his room and had refused to put it in the shed when told to do so. My response was "cheeky sod he is, I'll be having words tomorrow." DP then began sending text after text about how out of order DS is, what an awful attitude he has, how he's now burnt all his bridges with DP and how he needn't go to him for help with anything ever again and that's it, he's finished with him . My response to this huge over-reaction was "ok - he's a prat for chucking a football around the house and is out of order for refusing to do as he's told but he is 15 - 15 year olds tend to have an attitude, it's not highly unusual (and certainly not bad enough to talk about disowning him!!!). DP decided to share with me that no, 15 year olds do not generally have an attitude, no kids he's ever known at that age have had an attitude and his own angelic kids never showed such an attitude and he's upset that he "has to live with it"

AIBU to think that yeah he's right about the football and DS was out of order to disobey a request but it's not highly unusual behavior for a lad of his age??

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 17/09/2014 08:57

yanbu

How recently did your DP move in?

softlysoftly · 17/09/2014 08:58

Dumpity dump dump. He sounds horrible and nasty and a shit poor father. I feel for his kids and yours.

Littleturkish · 17/09/2014 08:59

What a dick.

Alpha males clashing, trying to establish authority.

He sounds like an idiot- why doesn't he have a role in the raising of his own children? Pathetic.

FryOneFatManic · 17/09/2014 09:01

his kids were not how he remembered them

How long has it been since he actually saw them previously?

He sound jealous of OP's son, and so far the descriptions of him sound like he couldn't be bothered with his own sons once he split from their mum. I'm not surprised they have issues.

HolgerDanske · 17/09/2014 09:12

I think he is jealous of him, actually. And he needs to nip it in the bud.

HolgerDanske · 17/09/2014 09:15

It will seriously damage your son's well being if your partners continues this horrible resentment and nasty attitude. What a nasty thing to do, putting him down for being proud of a shirt that he had worked hard and saved to buy for himself.

If he can't or won't sort it I would be showing him the door.

LiegeAndLief · 17/09/2014 09:22

Sounds like your dp is the one with the attitude.

His own dc were "not how he remembered them"?!

RonaldMcDonald · 17/09/2014 09:22

Have you considered asking him what is going on?

He must have some reason for behaving in this way - I'm sure he feels his behaviour is justified.
Immediately thinking it has to do with his kids etc isn't helpful

ChasedByBees · 17/09/2014 09:29

Wow, how nasty and spiteful he is being.

I wouldn't be surprised if your son has an attitude because he has to live with a man who dislikes him and treats him with contempt.

Poor attitude to his own kids too.

NickiFury · 17/09/2014 09:31

I do not think that chucking a ball around in the house, buying a new shirt, making himself a healthy breakfast and having another man respond nastily is anything like "alpha males, fighting for dominance". It's bullying of a smaller male by a bigger male.

You sound clued up OP. What are you going to do? Personally I couldn't find such a nasty bullying individual attractive any more, it would kill it stone dead for me. This is the age that your ds is learning how to relate to other males, what a damaging example to learn from.

pictish · 17/09/2014 09:33

Oh dear. Your dh is resentful of your son. I think this is for three reasons. Firstly, he thinks he has to compete with him to be King Dick of the household. Secondly, he is also in competition for your affections. Lastly, your son is more motivated and go getting than his own kids, so his nose is out of joint.
In short, he is looking for things to get sour about, regarding your lad. The ball incident is a good example of that...a relatively minor happening, has unleashed your dp's barely contained jealousy and rancour.
I think that unless he can nip his resentment in the bud, it will escalate. Every time you defend your son against it, he will see you as taking your son's side against him, and will soon transfer his blame on to you as well.
This problem will only grow arms and legs unless it is dealt with properly now. It's difficult because the changes are not down to you, but for your dp to make.

How long have you been together overall...and how long has he lived with you?

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 09:37

I'm going with jealous too - your DS1 is 15, his testosterone levels are rising I'm sure, and your DP can't handle it.
I have a friend whose second DH had problems with both his DSS from her first marriage; the oldest had Asperger's which made it harder (HUGE amounts of attitude) and he left home after his SF actually pushed him against the wall and threatened him (entirely understandable reaction from the lad). But after he'd gone, the SF started causing problems with the younger DSS as well, who has since also left home. It was quite obviously an "alpha male" situation, as other posters have suggested - he just couldn't handle the challenge to his position as adult male in the house. Sad and puerile.

The only reason my friend didn't immediately kick him out is because of their 2 younger boys, with whom he is very good (for now, but they're only 6 and 4) - and once the older boys were not on "his turf" all the time, he settled down and is fine with them when they come back for visits. Not good though (he drinks too much as well).

Castlemilk · 17/09/2014 09:38

'Minces about'?

'Remembered' his own kids?

'until he didn't have an input' - completely helpless in that, was he?

The picture you paint is of a person who is an utterly shit parent, who has no idea what it means to BE a parent. The tension you describe with your eldest son is that of a man who does not see him as a child he's parenting, but quite literally as a male rival on his turf. And when you describe his relationship with his own, it's clear that he sees it that way because he's had little practice with his own children's teen years.

Be very careful here. Your son is at the age where if you stuff this up, and let your DP respond to him in this way, in his own home, you run the very real risk of losing him emotionally. And at 15, you REALLY don't want that. Be very clear to your son that you are there for HIM, and his home is a space in which he doesn't get bullied, sneered at or rejected.

Oh, and this will happen with your younger one when he starts becoming a man too. Fun fun.

NickiFury · 17/09/2014 09:39

Hmmm, wonder when he will start on your younger child OP? As in *Thumbwitch"s example.

HolgerDanske · 17/09/2014 09:46

Sadness. Poor guy.

for you, GeeGee I think you're going to need them

ChillySundays · 17/09/2014 09:52

Unless I have missed something no one had stuck up for you DP so that tells you something.
Most 15 yrs old have attitude. They will always be doing annoying things. Balls aren't supposed to be in my house but I can often hear the thud of a ball bouncing in DS's bedroom.
It needs to be sorted out. Banter is fine (as in joking about a football shirt being crap if you support a different team) but that is not what he was doing

poolomoomon · 17/09/2014 10:02

Blimey your DS sounds like a model son to me . A bit of attitude now and then is perfectly reasonable and to be expected from teenagers. The rest of the time he does so well at school, earns his own money, saves for stuff he wants and even cooks his own breakfast. I think many parents would long for a teenager as well behaved as yours tbh.

Agreeing with posters saying it's jealousy. DP probably feels inadequate because his own DC are a bit feckless. Also could be the dominate "man of the house" thing but it's a long time since we evolved now so he really needs to get a grip. His comments are totally unacceptable, I hope you defend your DS otherwise his esteem could be taking a hit here.

I think you should LTB tbh. Your DS sounds great, last thing you need is him starting to play up and act out in reaction to DP.

firesidechat · 17/09/2014 10:09

DP admitted afterwards that his kids were not how he remembered them and he's disapointed in the way they're turning out.

I think this remark is very telling. How long is it since he last spent time with his children? He obviously hasn't stepped up and helped to shape how his own children have turned out. He sounds like a twit.

firesidechat · 17/09/2014 10:12

What Nick said.

He is undermining your son at a very vulnerable age. I hope you are going to something about it. Poor kid.

usualsuspect333 · 17/09/2014 10:13

I think your DS will start to wind up your partner on purpose, if he carries on making snide comments.

It wasn't just a tiff, if he's texting you saying 'I'm done with him' over a petty row about a ball. He is not going to be handle any bigger stuff that might come along.

I'd seriously consider my relationship with this man if I was you.

Mouthfulofquiz · 17/09/2014 10:21

He sounds quite nasty in my opinion. Doesn't sound like a very happy family life.

wolfe1 · 17/09/2014 10:29

Wow your partner actually sounds quite nasty to your son. I have a stepson the same age who lives with us full time and I would not dream of behaving to him in the way your partner behaves with your son. The appropriate response to the shirt thing should have been along the lines of well done for saving up, or that looks good ect and he should definatly not be using words like 'mincing'. Awful thing to say to anybody but especially a teenager.

Furthermore he sounds totally normal. DSS, my 16yo and 14yo were throwing a ball around the house the other day. DH told them to stop, they didn't, so he just took the ball off them. No big deal and nothing else was really said about it. I think your husband did over react.

Also, I appreciate that teenager are not always perfect and can be very hard work but I think your partner should seriously consider the way he conducts himself with your son as he is the adult here.

ExpectedlyMediocre · 17/09/2014 10:34

Remembered them? How long has it been since seeing them,

Infinity8 · 17/09/2014 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetoask · 17/09/2014 10:39

How long has he known your ds?

It sounds like he is jealous of how well your ds is turning out compared to his own children.

I would tell him very firmly that either he changes his attitude or he's out. No man should ever come before a child's (teenager or not) emotional stability and having a bully living with you will be detrimental to him.

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