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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have my own bedroom

58 replies

Sp1rals · 16/09/2014 22:59

Was going to namechange then thought fuckit. I have my own beðroom as does himself. I like privacy, I'm a light sleeper, we keep different hours and it just makes sense. It makes no difference to intimacy etc and a huge difference to the amount of sleep/his life expectancy. We both have en suites so have no need to disturb each other at all if needs be.

To be honest I find the idea of having to share a room a bit odd and outdated. If it works for you then great but so many people are miserable and not getting any sleep and view it as a failure of the relationship in some way to sleep separately.

Anyway, I have had two conversations about this recently (it came up as I'm pregnant, will be breastfeeeding) and was looked at pityingly, as if relationship is on death row and I'm in denial. I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out in anything nor do I feel it means a relationship is in trouble. To one friend it was "unthinkable". It also came up that she thought it was a 'bad example' for children to see their parents sleep separately?? I would never share a room again tbh bad example or no.

Anybody else out there have their own rooms or Is it unreasonable?

OP posts:

chocolatespiders · 16/09/2014 23:02

Sounds like a luxury to me!

MrsCakesPrecognition · 16/09/2014 23:03

It sounds wonderful.

RandomMess · 16/09/2014 23:06

Depends on the couple, we would grow apart I think but if it works for you then great stuff!

I would like adjoining bedrooms so I could retreat when I couldn't sleep but would like start off cuddled up together most nights.

londonrach · 16/09/2014 23:07

Each to their own i surpose. I like the random hugs in the middle if the night, the teasing and holding onto a small part of him (his shorts) when i fall asleep. A small comfort blanket. Nice to know he is there. Less keen on the snoring, the latest he goes to bed and the fact even if late he has to read. Each to their own....

hoobypickypicky · 16/09/2014 23:08

If it's by mutual agreement it sounds like luxury to me too.

If for example it's the choice of the DW alonee because the husband snores or of only the DH because his wife is breastfeeding, not so much.

TheBloodManCometh · 16/09/2014 23:08

I spent a few weeks in the spare room once, not because of a row, just because I needed solid sleep. It was BLISS.
Unfortunately OH felt neglected and he felt like we should share - so we do.
Bastard

Lj8893 · 16/09/2014 23:10

We don't have separate bedrooms but dp generally sleeps downstairs most of the time, and its bliss.
he finds the sofa more comfortable as he has back problems at the moment, he quite often falls asleep in front of the tv anyway and i get a much better night sleep with the bed to myself!

at first when he started sleeping downstairs i was a little bit worried about our relationship but actually its done wonders for us, we both sleep better, and are therefore happier, which makes for a brilliant relationship.

nokidshere · 16/09/2014 23:11

We have our own rooms and have done for about 8 years now, although for the 25 years previous to that we would spend many nights in different rooms anyway.

His sleep consists of: a full 8 hours, all windows closed, heavy duvet all tucked around him, pitch black, silence - except for the snores!

My sleep consists of: about 3-4 hours, all windows open, constant fidgeting, a fan going all night, radio on, a light sheet to cover me and getting up if I cant sleep to do something else before coming back to bed to try again.

We are just not compatible sleepers! We too have had comments made that its not "healthy", ruins your sex life, stops intimacy, means your marriage is in trouble etc etc

But, we have been together over 30 years now, our sex life is better than ever, our lives have changed only for the better since we are both getting the sleep that we need and nothing is wrong with our marriage.

However, having said all that, I suppose it depends on the reason you are sleeping apart!

PiperIsOrange · 16/09/2014 23:11

I wouldn't like it as I enjoy DH, DC and I all cuddling up on a Sunday morning in bed.

You are not me though, so long as it works for it then nobody should make comments about your relationships.

Original poster

Sp1rals · 16/09/2014 23:12

Heartened by the responses. Maybe I'm not damaging children after all! Honestly, even though I like my space, if we could go to bed and both have 8 hours delicious uninterrupted sleep together then great, I would do it. But it's not the case.

And yes spontaneous hugs are nice. But so is curling up by myself and waving him off afterwards.

OP posts:

ChocPretzels · 16/09/2014 23:12

What luxury! Sounds great and as long as you're both happy, who cares?!

I'd love it, but it only happens when I chuck him out to the spare room after he's been drinking with mates. Can't stand the alcohol fugginess.

Sparklypants · 16/09/2014 23:14

Sounds like the height of luxury to me!

Tbh I think I will be forever single because I can't imagine ever having having to share my bedroom or space ever again.

nokidshere · 16/09/2014 23:14

RandomMess we always start off in the same bed, read, have a natter, a cuddle etc - we just go to separate rooms to actually sleep :)

nokidshere · 16/09/2014 23:16

"I wouldn't like it as I enjoy DH, DC and I all cuddling up on a Sunday morning in bed."

Has never stopped the 4 of us having a family fest either before bedtimes or on weekend mornings :)

sillymillyb · 16/09/2014 23:20

See that would only work for me if my partner (I'm single at the mo so hypothetical!) was the one who went off to the other bed. No way would I have a cuddle, get all cosy then get up and wander off! I'm too lazy for separate beds I think!

LEMmingaround · 16/09/2014 23:29

I wouldn't like it personally but i like to go to bed first so i can have the bed to myself.
Well sort off as the dog usually beats me to it

ILovedYouYesterday · 16/09/2014 23:36

It sounds lovely to me

I'd like my own room but at the moment only one of us could have a double room and en-suite. The other would be camping in DS1's (tiny) room during uni terms. Neither of us is prepared to be the camper so we share!

Fully intend to move things around once the DC are grown up. I am sure I'd fancy DH more if I didn't have to share a house room with him!

DefinitleySpeltWrong · 16/09/2014 23:38

I would love it. I love my DH to bits and we are a physical and huggy couple but I would prefer my own room. DH snores and I'm a light sleeper. I may snore too but that doesn't bother me so much I also don't like to be touched as I am going to sleep. I could never fall asleep in his arms.

If we had a spare bedroom I think I would suggest it.

CallMeExhausted · 16/09/2014 23:42

I have slept on the couch for years - same reason. I just ordered a bed for the spare room (our DD has required night skilled nursing care for years, but we are reducing the hours, so I am converting the room back into a bedroom from the nurse's room).

I will need to attend to DD through the night, but it'll still be better than being kept awake by DH's snoring.

Whatdoesaduckdo · 16/09/2014 23:42

We have had separate rooms for the past 3 years and it is bliss we are incompatible sleepers and it was leading to many arguments because of his snoring my reading his insomnia etc etc now there are very few arguments and the children have two well rested happier parents.
Heaven is an entire double bed to yourself

heraldgerald · 16/09/2014 23:44

Separate rooms over here. Couldn't be happier, our relationship is better for it. Bliss indeed!

Gumblossom · 16/09/2014 23:45

I have a similar set-up too. It started when our baby wasn't sleeping well, I'd be up all night breastfeeding and it was easier to bring her into the bed for a feed. DH would be disturbed and go and sleep in the spare room.

Two more babies later, we actually went out and bought a really nice double bed for the "spare" room, which really is DH's room now. He has his desk in there and his clothes end up on the floor in there .

Our youngest is now 6 and often ends up in bed with me. It is easy, DH doesn't have to have his sleep disturbed and I don't have to put up with his snoring.

It hasn't affected our sex life. We still have sex, though less than when we first got married (but I think that has nothing to do with separate beds and more to do with being completely knackered all the time).

I remember, when I was a newly wed, an older lady telling me she and her husband had separate rooms, and how lovely it was. I thought it was so sad! Now I realise the importance of a good night's sleep. And frankly, my room smells nicer...

DramaAlpaca · 16/09/2014 23:47

We have separate bedrooms with visiting rights

As we both snore, it's the only way either of us gets any sleep.

Username12345 · 17/09/2014 00:18

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in two adjoining, interconnected, houses. I think they have the right idea.

HappyYoni · 17/09/2014 00:36

We have separate rooms in our house too, I love it and am v grateful that we have enough rooms to do that. Always have a cuddle before bed and snuggle up for lie ins together at the weekend, it's just the actual sleeping we do separately.
I also enjoy having my own space to decorate and keep all my stuff how I like it, his room is dull and minimalist, mine has lots of colourful bits and pieces strung around :)

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