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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have my own bedroom

58 replies

Sp1rals · 16/09/2014 22:59

Was going to namechange then thought fuckit. I have my own beðroom as does himself. I like privacy, I'm a light sleeper, we keep different hours and it just makes sense. It makes no difference to intimacy etc and a huge difference to the amount of sleep/his life expectancy. We both have en suites so have no need to disturb each other at all if needs be.

To be honest I find the idea of having to share a room a bit odd and outdated. If it works for you then great but so many people are miserable and not getting any sleep and view it as a failure of the relationship in some way to sleep separately.

Anyway, I have had two conversations about this recently (it came up as I'm pregnant, will be breastfeeeding) and was looked at pityingly, as if relationship is on death row and I'm in denial. I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out in anything nor do I feel it means a relationship is in trouble. To one friend it was "unthinkable". It also came up that she thought it was a 'bad example' for children to see their parents sleep separately?? I would never share a room again tbh bad example or no.

Anybody else out there have their own rooms or Is it unreasonable?

OP posts:

McFox · 17/09/2014 00:39

I wouldn't like that at all, but then I am alone half the week as DH works away, and I love it when he's home and we get to fall asleep cuddling

If that's what makes you happy then fair enough!

AlpacaLypse · 17/09/2014 00:45

We both snore. The luxury of a bedroom each is total bliss! We've actually got a bathroom and sitting room each too (It does sound a bit aristocratic doesn't it but it's just the way this very old house works!) We do regularly start the night in the same bed... but it's great to be able to wander off for a proper rest later

sunflower49 · 17/09/2014 00:48

No separate rooms here BUT I definitely would if I had the space, and will once I HAVE the space.

Having said that, we often sleep separately (one of us on the sofabed downstairs), just because we're often tired at different times, and we work different hours.

I don't see many positives to ALWAYS sharing a sleeping space. I see a lot of positives to being able to decide when you want to, having the option!

Isabeller · 17/09/2014 01:00

YABVVR

CheatingSucks · 17/09/2014 01:12

We have separate rooms too and it is WONDERFUL! Sharing the same bed no matter what just because you are a couple is so outdated and barbaric!

We are both so much happier now we are getting a full nights sleep. DH no longer wakes me when he gets up for work/comes home from work or with his snoring and my fidgeting and need for the window to be open no longer keeps him awake.

Our sex life is better than ever since neither of us are constantly exhausted and we put more effort in to it rather than just having a boring bonk before lights out. On the nights we go to bed at the same time we take it in turns snuggling each other to sleep, haha! It's lovely.

Mouthfulofquiz · 17/09/2014 03:45

Another one for separate rooms! I'm up with the baby currently... It means I can feed lying down if I want the baby in bed with me, it also means I can get back to sleep very quickly afterwards. Making the most of what little potential sleep time I have. I miss sharing sometimes and I think we still will from time to time but at the moment, this is what works. Plus DH gets proper sleep for work (works in a pressured job where he is expected to be 'on it' all day every day)

Darkandstormynight · 17/09/2014 04:13

YANBU, I share a room with dh But I do have a spare room I sleep in when dh is sleeping and I can't, I go there to read and then finally fall asleep in there. Also, if dh is snoring I also leave our bed and sleep in there. It is decorated to my taste and I also use it as a dressing room, room to hide presents, etc. so I do call it 'my' room.

To be honest I'll 99% of the time at least start out in our shared bed. Somehow I feel less guilty if I 'start' out there, not that I should...I just do sometimes. I've been sleeping in there more and more, because dh is gaining weight and unfortunately that causes him to snore. I've tried dropping hints but I don't want to be unkind, and don't get me wrong, he looks great, but when he isn't as heavy, he doesn't snore.

I have a huge history of anxiety due to lack of sleep, before we were ever married (14 years ago) and dh knows this. Frankly it was part of my 'baggage' and it is what it is.

So you do what you have to. I must say though, the nights we don't spend in the same room we are more distant from each other. However, I feel sad about this but also justified because dh Knows if he lost weight, honestly we'd have more nights together. It's cause and effect. I can't help feel if he wanted us to sleep in the same bed more often he'd at least try....

Darkandstormynight · 17/09/2014 04:20

I have to add dh - and I have to make this clear - involuntary clenches his hands in his sleep, and we can't fall asleep in each other's arms or even cuddle because if he falls asleep I WILL get a part of my body grabbed and clenched Hard!! On our honeymoon imagine my surprise when he fell asleep with his hand on my breast and I woke up to him clenching it hard!! I was aghast!

I've been involuntarily hurt by him many times in bed, sometimes bad enough to cause bruising. He's asleep, so when I scream he really isn't even sorry because he says he is totally asleep! I get that... I guess the point is, sometimes sleeping in our bed is no picnic so going into another room, I'm also assured of not getting hurt!!

velocity1 · 17/09/2014 06:48

The most we can run to is twin beds, which sounds so twee I hate typing it. He always comes to bed after me, which wakes me up, so I can be up at 4 in the morning while he snores his head off. Separate beds means I sleep better because I'm not so disturbed by him, separate rooms would be wonderful

Original poster

Sp1rals · 17/09/2014 16:46

Fairly unanimous! Velocity, I have been known to get twin beds in hotel rooms :-)

OP posts:

windchime · 17/09/2014 17:43

We have our own sitting rooms/tvs/bathrooms and my sitting room has a sofa bed if I want to nod off alone. I think you should shoot the pitying looks back to those who have to share rooms/remote controls.

Worriedkat · 17/09/2014 19:27

What do you do when you stay in a hotel? Twin beds or separate rooms (sounds pricey?)

tinklykeys · 17/09/2014 19:33

Ooh, jealous!

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 17/09/2014 19:39

We don't have separate rooms, but we do sleep separately when DH is in work. He sleeps on the sofa (happily, I should add!) as he's up early and incapable of moving quietly, so everyone gets woken up if he's upstairs.

I love it. I get a few nights every week with our massive super king bed to myself and he gets to stay up late playing games and watching shite on YouTube. I would LOVE two proper rooms!

Inertia · 17/09/2014 20:25

I happily share a bed with DH, but I would much prefer it if his clothes lived in a different room. The floordrobe drives me insane .

ClockWatchingLady · 17/09/2014 20:33

My parents have been happily married for 40 years, and have had separate bedrooms for 35.
I'd love my own bedroom, but space won't allow. I do escape to another room (the "spare" room, which is actually DD's room but she sleeps in with her brother) most nights, though. DP and I are pretty happy, too.

If the doubters get to you, tell them to google Dr Neil Stanley (sleep expert). He'll set them right.

Original poster

Sp1rals · 17/09/2014 21:36

Sometimes twins worriedkat, although not always, especially if it's a romantic 4 poster situation. It's not that I won't sleep beside him under any circumstances, just not long term.

OP posts:

handcream · 17/09/2014 21:54

It's rife tbh! No one really talks about it. It normally revolves around someone snoring.

dreamerdoer · 17/09/2014 22:31

I did this with a previous partner. It was lovely. Sometimes we would still end up falling asleep in the same bed together (and was never a problem in hotel rooms or when we had guests and my room would become the guest bedroom!). Also nice if one of us was ill or had insomnia, or had to get up early etc.

Unfortunately there is no room for that with current dp. I'd kill for a house with more bedrooms (but then, I'd probably use it as a justification for more kids!).

OraProNobis · 17/09/2014 23:18

We've had our own bedrooms for ten years or more and are both very happy with the arrangement. We are, in truth, both rather snorey and he sits up late whilst I am an early riser. It works for us and most of my friends are a bit envious of me!

Mumblepot26 · 17/09/2014 23:43

Separate rooms too, it's bliss, wouldn't have it any other way

Morloth · 17/09/2014 23:45

I would like my own bedroom. DH is a cuddler though and I don't really want my own room so we share for now.

He does however know that DS1's bedroom is my favourite room in the house and the minute that kid moves out, it is mine all mine.

Morloth · 17/09/2014 23:47

We do have separate bathrooms though.

The ensuite is my bathroom, I live in a house with 3 men, it is one small little girly place that is not up for negotiation. Due to the layout of the wardrobe etc it isn't any closer to the bed then the bathroom DH shares with one of the boys so he isn't actually 'losing' anything.

StepDoor · 17/09/2014 23:53

Luxury definitely! If we had a spare room DH would be there

grumpasaur · 18/09/2014 00:01

We usually sleep apart on the week nights (bliss for me!!) and together on the weekends. I would happily sleep apart every night because we still cuddle loads and shag just as much as before, but DH feels weird about not sleeping together at least sometimes! I will wear him down eventually- I sleep so much better, and have noticed a huge improvement to my anxiety and energy levels as a result!

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