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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP cancelling on plans with friends for the football! Grrr, AIBU?

86 replies

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 19:08

For my birthday a couple of months ago a good friend of mine kindly bought me a sailing lesson as I'd been saying I was keen to try it out. Our DPs are both into sailing and although they have met a few times and get on they haven't really had the chance to spend some decent time together yet, so the plan was that my friend and I would have the lesson together, and our DPs would come with us and go out on a separate boat too. We looked at all the dates we could do and settled on this coming weekend.

My DP told me he was going to watch his team's football match on the Saturday so to make sure it was on the Sunday instead. So we planned it for this Sunday and also decided to go for lunch afterwards at a nice pub. I've been really looking forward to it, especially as it's the first time we've done anything as a four, and said to DP last night that I was excited about this Sunday. His face fell and he said 'but I've got the football this Sunday - I thought sailing was on the Saturday?' I got out my diary (which I always keep up to date, unlike DP who 'uses his head' Hmm ) and it clearly showed the football on Saturday and sailing on the Sunday. He then went red and said he remembered now that the game had originally been scheduled for the Saturday and then it got moved to the Sunday after we'd made our plans and he forgot to tell me.

So, I assumed that he would just not go to the game, given that we'd made plans with other people, it would be rude to cancel on them at such short notice, it was his mistake for not realising earlier, and he was going to the football on his own so wouldn't be letting anyone down by not going. Yes it was a shame for him to miss out but he could watch the highlights later and check the score during the game itself. He on the other hand wants me to just go without him - he says the football ticket cost him £50 and that I don't understand but he loves his team and has been really looking forward to seeing them. (He sees them about 5 times a year, I reckon). He says him not coming sailing doesn't stop me and my friend from going and her DP could either not come or could take a boat out on his own. But we have been looking forward to it as a double date and a chance for our DPs to get to know each other better.

So...which one of us IBU?? Thanks all!

OP posts:
rookiemater · 15/09/2014 19:12

YANBU - this is your birthday treat for crying out loud, he messed up, so he should go along to the sailing.

Forgot to tell you indeed - didn't want to tell you more like. Thing is if he does come on the sailing he will have a face like a slapped kipper all day, so I'd just forget bringing the DH's and do it with your friend.

Nomama · 15/09/2014 19:15

He is insufferably selfish - like most football fans. Nothing but nothing is more important. If he bought that ticket AFTER you had made your plans - he KNEW it now clashed and chose to 'fuck you and your friends' when he bought it.

Tell him you will not be a football widow and he needs to get a firm grip on reality NOW! If he misses a few games, so be it. He either does that or misses your life together.

Now, go ahead punk, make our choice!

Nomama · 15/09/2014 19:15

Sorry your choice!

iklboo · 15/09/2014 19:19

He loves his team? And you........?

poolomoomon · 15/09/2014 19:23

Yanbu, he is. It was his error and he should sell the ticket, save the money for a different match (because it's a football team and they play most of the year every weekend FFS) and accompany you to your birthday treat like he said he would. He's being selfish.

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2014 19:23

Yanbu but he is - and a selfish arse as well

TheSkiingGardener · 15/09/2014 19:24

My DH is one of the most dedicated Unuted fans there is and even he would stop short of pulling a stunt like that. (He would grump to be fair). How much travel time is involved to the football? Is any kind of compromise possible?

He should be grovelling and trying anything to find a compromise. His attitude is awful and he needs to make sure he is prioritising the right thing.

BuggersMuddle · 15/09/2014 19:33

YANBU but your DP is being a wanker.

Presumably your friends are also looking forward to a day out, so you have to turn up red faced and announce to them that not only is your DP rude, the football is more important to him than taking part in a birthday treat you've been really looking forward to.

He's being an arsehole OP. Seriously, that's not on and if you let this lie he'll do it again.

Explored · 15/09/2014 19:41

Now, I'm a dedicated football supporter and I know it frustrates DH sometimes that all our plans are made around the football but there is no way on earth I would still be going to the footie in these circumstances.

OTOH, he has paid £50 for a ticket and he doesn't go every week (like me).

Actually I'm not sure. If it was a season ticket and he did go every week, then these thing happen and sometimes you have to miss it, but he's bought this as a one off. If he doesn't go sailing, it's not like your treat has been cancelled - your lesson is with your friend after all. He messed up and he owes you big time but I think you should go without him and make him arrange the double date for another time.

Nomama · 15/09/2014 19:45

You are biased, Explored Smile

And he bought the ticket AFTER he had made a fuss about the day and only he knew the match day had changed. Knowing he had made a fuss for OPs birthday he still went ahead and bought a ticket knowing he was double booking himself. THAT is insufferably selfish!

FootballFan · 15/09/2014 19:52

I'll play devil's advocate.

poolomoomon: Back's partner cannot legally re-sell a football ticket.

He is only accompanying the OP to a certain extent. There was never any plan for him to join her on her boat.

The other man, an accomplished sailor from the sound of it, may not be at all bothered about him not being there. He isn't a close friend of Back's DP. Back wants him and her DP to get to know each other better but there's no guarantee that her DP is interested.

Football teams don't play most of the year.

Tickets (I'm talking of big clubs here) are rare as hens teeth for non members and non season ticket holders. This may be his only chance or one of only a handful to see his team for the next 12 months.

A meet up and dinner can be arranged for any evening. City V United (or whoever it is) only happens once in a season.

Explored · 15/09/2014 19:53

Yes, I don't disagree with that, he made a big mistake but we all do that occasionally.....don't we?

He didn't deliberately double book himself, he got the dates mixed up.

iklboo · 15/09/2014 19:57

And this is why I thank all the gods that were, are or ever will be that DH doesn't like football.

FIL has brought DS back early from a (rare) visit before now because two teams he doesn't even bloody support were being televised. 'But...it's football' he bleated. And DS is your only grandson.

pluCaChange · 15/09/2014 20:00

The other DP isn't going to want to make friends with him, on this form, and rightly so! He (yours) sounds rude and self-centred.

Explored · 15/09/2014 20:06

People get irrationally upset when it's football that gets in the way of other things.

Sometimes people double book and arrangements have to be unarranged. Exactly the same circumstances and someone calls you to say "I'm really sorry we're having dinner with MIL that day, I thought it was the Saturday" or "I'm really sorry DD has a dance exam, I got the date wrong", would everyone be so upset?

LadyLuck10 · 15/09/2014 20:09

Tbh It seems like he got mixed up with dates, it happens and no one really keeps a 'diary' of events. I would just tell him to go to the match.

Silverdaisy · 15/09/2014 20:11

It is his mistake, impacting on three other people. He can miss out on football. It would be very rude to try change the trip or cancel. Perhaps the other couple have had to re arranged things to fit in for the weekend? Also to re arrange means the company will have try fit into this mismanagement of diaries.

The fifty pounds loss should be a reminder that he needs to be organised.

Iam no saying I am perfect with dates, but i can admit when I am in the wrong.

samsam123 · 15/09/2014 20:12

he is going to be so miserable if he comes with you so let him go to the footy and take your best friend instead

Silverdaisy · 15/09/2014 20:18

Actually on reflection, samsam123 has a good point. He is not going to go happily to the sailing, it won't be fun dragging him there.

I hope this is the last time football gets in the way for you.

Enjoy the sailing.

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2014 20:18

Agree Explored. The word 'football' brings a lot of disapproving posts. The OP says he only watches his team 5 times a year so he goes less than once in over two months. Hardly unreasonable of him!

It's just a shame there's been a date mix-up.

Trills · 15/09/2014 20:25

It was a genuine mistake, so my reaction would vary depending on how much he
1 - admitted that it was his mistake
2 - acted as if he would take step to NOT make this kind of mistake in future (have a diary!)
3 - promised to make it up to me

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/09/2014 20:26

"We looked at all the dates we could do and settled on this coming weekend. My DP told me he was going to watch his team's football match on the Saturday so to make sure it was on the Sunday instead."

So, the date was arranged AROUND this man's request. The other three accommodated his wishes.

Nope, he has to suck it up. His mistake, his consequences.

He sees his team 5 times a year, versus a complete one-off event that is his wife's birthday present. There really shouldn't be a contest here even in his own mind.

And as for "I don't understand but he loves his team and has been really looking forward to seeing them" - FFS, shouldn't he love you more? And haven't you been looking forward to this for months. He sounds about six years old!

Explored · 15/09/2014 20:35

That's all true Where, except for the fact that the dates of football matches do change - around the TV schedules and the birthday treat won't be cancelled. OP is going with her friend in a completely separate boat to her DH.

I bet the other man couldn't care less.

Silverdaisy · 15/09/2014 20:38

Does the second boat need 2 people though ?

simontowers2 · 15/09/2014 20:44

It sounds to me like your husband feels like he is being rail-roaded into 'coupling up' when he would rather be doing something else. Surely you and him can just go out for a meal on sat night? It's only a birthday - big deal for children perhaps, not so much adults.

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