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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP cancelling on plans with friends for the football! Grrr, AIBU?

86 replies

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 19:08

For my birthday a couple of months ago a good friend of mine kindly bought me a sailing lesson as I'd been saying I was keen to try it out. Our DPs are both into sailing and although they have met a few times and get on they haven't really had the chance to spend some decent time together yet, so the plan was that my friend and I would have the lesson together, and our DPs would come with us and go out on a separate boat too. We looked at all the dates we could do and settled on this coming weekend.

My DP told me he was going to watch his team's football match on the Saturday so to make sure it was on the Sunday instead. So we planned it for this Sunday and also decided to go for lunch afterwards at a nice pub. I've been really looking forward to it, especially as it's the first time we've done anything as a four, and said to DP last night that I was excited about this Sunday. His face fell and he said 'but I've got the football this Sunday - I thought sailing was on the Saturday?' I got out my diary (which I always keep up to date, unlike DP who 'uses his head' ) and it clearly showed the football on Saturday and sailing on the Sunday. He then went red and said he remembered now that the game had originally been scheduled for the Saturday and then it got moved to the Sunday after we'd made our plans and he forgot to tell me.

So, I assumed that he would just not go to the game, given that we'd made plans with other people, it would be rude to cancel on them at such short notice, it was his mistake for not realising earlier, and he was going to the football on his own so wouldn't be letting anyone down by not going. Yes it was a shame for him to miss out but he could watch the highlights later and check the score during the game itself. He on the other hand wants me to just go without him - he says the football ticket cost him £50 and that I don't understand but he loves his team and has been really looking forward to seeing them. (He sees them about 5 times a year, I reckon). He says him not coming sailing doesn't stop me and my friend from going and her DP could either not come or could take a boat out on his own. But we have been looking forward to it as a double date and a chance for our DPs to get to know each other better.

So...which one of us IBU?? Thanks all!

OP posts:

Silverdaisy · 15/09/2014 22:20

Backinthegame, I am with your side with this. It is very rude of him.

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2014 22:21

:) I think my reaction comes from most definitely not being a football fan - I couldn't put up with a football fan as we'd have nothing in common. I'm probably reacting a bit severely because of my personal bias. He is being v selfish though and quite rude to cancel existing plans.

FootballFan · 15/09/2014 23:46

Helloooo!

It's been said more than once. Is the typeface invisible?

He cannot sell his ticket! It's illegal.

I bet the OP's DP can't wait. How exciting it will be for him to take part in an activity which he can do at any time, and to do it with a man he doesn't know and doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know. How much more fun it will be to carry out what is for him a regular recreational activity while being obligated to make polite conversation with a stranger rather than to enjoy the rare chance to cheer his team on.

I can feel his joy radiating from here.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/09/2014 01:02

I actually think the fact it's football is a red herring. OP's DP committed to doing something with her and two others and now he has a 'better' option, he's going to bin them off. Not a very nice attitude at all, particularly when the original event was a birthday sport he wants her to get into. He should miss the football and go sailing with good grace (ie behave like an adult).

musicalendorphins2 · 16/09/2014 04:37

I'd be mad too. He should give the ticket to someone and go with you, act decent about it and not sulk. £50 lesson learned.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/09/2014 06:41

I will rephrase my question.

By "we" do you mean that you discussed it with your DP or does "we" mean that you and your friend organised this without asking your DP?

pluCaChange · 16/09/2014 08:36

"I bet the OP's DP can't wait. How exciting it will be for him to take part in an activity which he can do at any time, and to do it with a man he doesn't know and doesn't seem to be interested in getting to know. How much more fun it will be to carry out what is for him a regular recreational activity while being obligated to make polite conversation with a stranger rather than to enjoy the rare chance to cheer his team on."

If he didn't want to go, didn't want to introduce her to one of his sport enthusiasms (sailing), and if OP hadnt said "DP does like my friend's DP", then why the hell did he agree to suuh an outing? Why the hell did he allow her to think that this would be a special event for her birthday?

As for your bleating about "invisible typefaces", look yourself at the OP's statement that tickets could be refunded up to a week before the match, so if he had cared to check the dates when his match date changed, he wouldn't have had a problem.

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 16/09/2014 10:45

BoneyBackJefferson, my friend and I organised the event (simply because we are the two who are close friends) but she had discussed it with her DP before announcing it was my birthday present (so he was already keen) and when she announced it she said it in a "we'd love it to be a joint event with the two of you, if your DP would like to join", so I asked my DP if he would like to and he said yes. Only then did we book it. So yes, both DPs knew about it and had been asked if they wanted to join in before we booked. But I do take your point that it wasn't my DP's present to me - it was something a friend organised that she thought it would be nice to have him along to.

As a general update for everyone else, he actually feels quite bad about it now that he knows how important it was to me, and said he acted on his gut reaction when he initially realised there was a clash. It is definitely not that he doesn't want to spend the day with the three of us (he actually gets on really well with this friend), he had just really been looking forward to going to the football and it's a disappointment knowing he might now have to miss out.

I still haven't decided whether to push him to miss it (he has said he will if I really want him to) Will let you all know the outcome though!

OP posts:

AliceLidl · 16/09/2014 10:47

OP must have discussed it with her DP Boney, because she says he asked if it could be arranged for the Sunday of that particular weekend and so it was.

I suppose the OP and her friend could have discussed a few dates that work for them both before speaking to their partners and asking if they were okay with those dates, but he was consulted and some point and he asked for it to be arranged for that particular day himself.

AliceLidl · 16/09/2014 10:48

x post there

musicalendorphins2 · 16/09/2014 10:53

Could the sailing lesson be re-scheduled, but this time both decide after looking at the calender, together?

Mitzimaybe · 16/09/2014 11:06

It's not his fault that the fixture was changed but it is his fault that he "forgot" about the sailing day until it was too late to get a refund. The day was arranged to suit him. When the match date changed, the OP could have rescheduled the sailing much more easily than she can now.

YANBU. He should go on the sailing day with good grace. Make it clear to him that the problem is not the football per se, it's the failure to mention the fixture change in time to make alternative arrangements.

I'm a keen football fan but in these circumstances I would go sailing.

NotOneThingbutAnother · 16/09/2014 11:17

You made an arrangement. None of you should back out because something you prefer more comes up and if you make a mistake with dates you have to accept the consequences. Why is this sort of behaviour acceptable?!

FrootLoopy · 16/09/2014 12:36

I think you should push him to miss it. For 2 reasons

HE got it wrong. So therefore HE should be the one who misses out. You bent over backwards to incorporate the game as it was.
Sometimes, just sometimes, you need to miss something you are passionate about for the benefit of others. It's part of being in a family unit, and stops people from acting as though the world revolves around them.

PrimalLass · 16/09/2014 12:59

FootballFan, are you one of those lovely people that thinks it's ok to cancel commitments just because you find something "better" to do?

edamsavestheday · 16/09/2014 13:06

Footballfan, the OP's dp made an arrangement with three other people. He then stuffed up and failed to notice the date of his other arrangement that weekend had changed. His problem. As he now realises.

OP, glad he's wised up.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/09/2014 13:08

I think you and your friend should go to the sailing lesson and let your DP go to football. Explain to friend's DP what has happened with the football match being rescheduled after your DP got his ticket. Is he going to be that disappointed to not sail with your DP? Or reschedule the sailing for another time. You could even still meet up with friend and her DP and do something else?

It's your DP's fault for not filling in the calendar but under the circumstances (of the match being changed after he'd got the ticket and of it mainly being a lesson for you and friend) I think he can reasonably bow out with apologies.

lylasmam2012 · 16/09/2014 13:14

I asked Dh who is an avid football supporter, so much so that we arrange everything around football, even our wedding (had it on a Thursday so there was no clash)

He said that your DP is BU as he made the mistake. One of the greatest qualities a person can have IMO is the ability to hold their hands up when they make a mistake and accept the consequences. In this case being the fact that he misses a match.

If it was a case that it was an important match, cup final, league winning match etc, then I would push DH to go as I know he'd be really upset to miss it. But that isn't the case here, it's just a run of the mill game.

diddl · 16/09/2014 13:14

I agree with Ghoul tbh.

I'm not a footie fan & don't get the devotion, but the date changed after he got the ticket.

The bday treat is a lesson with your friend, which will still happen, the other stuff can be done anytime.

FootballFan · 16/09/2014 13:48

PluCa - "As for your bleating about "invisible typefaces", look yourself at the OP's statement that tickets could be refunded up to a week before the match, so if he had cared to check the dates when his match date changed, he wouldn't have had a problem."

That's irrelevant. I've not mentioned refunds. I was reminding the people who were saying "sell the ticket" that I and another poster had already explained that it's illegal to sell a football ticket.

PrimalLass - "FootballFan, are you one of those lovely people that thinks it's ok to cancel commitments just because you find something "better" to do?"

I was playing devils advocate actually, (see my first post) but since you come to ask about me, well, I'm one of those lovely people who doesn't think that looking down upon football and its fans is some sort of badge of honour.

I'm one of those lovely people who believes, as is often the case in football threads, that it's possible that if the term "football match" had been replaced by "Wimbledon/theatre visit" or the like some of the responses on here would be different.

But for sure I'm also one of those lovely people who'd prefer to be at a football match than in a boat or at dinner with my partner's friend and their DP. The clue to that's in my name.

PrimalLass · 16/09/2014 14:18

I'm one of those lovely people who doesn't think that looking down upon football and its fans is some sort of badge of honour.

First date with OH was at a football match, he coaches DS's team and I watched my (then) team lose the EUFA cup final back in the day. I still wouldn't let down friends because of it. My BIL/SIL used to be like that (dropping us for a better offer) and it stinks.

MuddlingMackem · 16/09/2014 14:32

Read part of the thread and so far YANBU.

FWIW I have a season ticket for the football and work plans out around the matches. However, I know that matches get moved for the television, so if we have a match, supposedly, on the Saturday I tell DH that that is a football weekend and best avoided for making plans as the kick-off may be changed for the telly. I don't make set in stone arrangements for football weekends until the television schedule for that weekend has been fixed and I know for certain when the match kicks off.

And for those who denigrate football, the football and my season ticket is the only pre-child hobby I've managed to continue with since having the children, everything else has fallen by the wayside, so I cling on to it and will not let it go, so yes, other stuff does have to be arranged around it.

OP, your DH was a selfish idiot for buying a ticket after you'd made arrangements involving both of you that weekend.

MuddlingMackem · 16/09/2014 14:36

Oops, should have kept reading before posting, just seen that it was on the Saturday when he bought the ticket.

However, in that case he should be entitled to a refund, so shouldn't lose out on the money, but he should have told you as soon as he found about the change to give you a chance to rearrange your plans.

FootballFan · 16/09/2014 14:43

"I watched my (then) team lose the EUFA cup final back in the day"

Your then team? You changed your football team? PrimalLass tell me this is a typo!

PrimalLass · 16/09/2014 17:07

No I did. Awful, I know, but I was in primary school then. I moved away and couldn't go to see them (Dundee United) and OH's family are Jags (Partick Thistle) through and through so I got sucked in to that life of pain and disappointment.

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