Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP cancelling on plans with friends for the football! Grrr, AIBU?

86 replies

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 19:08

For my birthday a couple of months ago a good friend of mine kindly bought me a sailing lesson as I'd been saying I was keen to try it out. Our DPs are both into sailing and although they have met a few times and get on they haven't really had the chance to spend some decent time together yet, so the plan was that my friend and I would have the lesson together, and our DPs would come with us and go out on a separate boat too. We looked at all the dates we could do and settled on this coming weekend.

My DP told me he was going to watch his team's football match on the Saturday so to make sure it was on the Sunday instead. So we planned it for this Sunday and also decided to go for lunch afterwards at a nice pub. I've been really looking forward to it, especially as it's the first time we've done anything as a four, and said to DP last night that I was excited about this Sunday. His face fell and he said 'but I've got the football this Sunday - I thought sailing was on the Saturday?' I got out my diary (which I always keep up to date, unlike DP who 'uses his head' ) and it clearly showed the football on Saturday and sailing on the Sunday. He then went red and said he remembered now that the game had originally been scheduled for the Saturday and then it got moved to the Sunday after we'd made our plans and he forgot to tell me.

So, I assumed that he would just not go to the game, given that we'd made plans with other people, it would be rude to cancel on them at such short notice, it was his mistake for not realising earlier, and he was going to the football on his own so wouldn't be letting anyone down by not going. Yes it was a shame for him to miss out but he could watch the highlights later and check the score during the game itself. He on the other hand wants me to just go without him - he says the football ticket cost him £50 and that I don't understand but he loves his team and has been really looking forward to seeing them. (He sees them about 5 times a year, I reckon). He says him not coming sailing doesn't stop me and my friend from going and her DP could either not come or could take a boat out on his own. But we have been looking forward to it as a double date and a chance for our DPs to get to know each other better.

So...which one of us IBU?? Thanks all!

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 15/09/2014 20:45

If you make a mistake it's generally on you to suck it up and deal with the consequences. Whether he's really that bothered or not about going out with the friend's DP the fact is it matters to the OP - and sometimes you do things you're not really that bothered about for the ones you love, because you love them and want to make them happy. Though saying that I do feel it's kind of too late now - he won't be happy going, he'll probably be grumpy and really spoil the day, so as frustrating as it is it would probably be better not to take him. Though that's not the same as letting him off the hook, he's messed up and doesn't show any remorse for ruining OP's birthday treat - his response about loving the football and blah dee blah was very self-centred and would just be digging himself in deeper afaic. He really needs to make it up to the OP.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 20:50

Your DPs problem not yours. He should try to sell the ticket or get a refund. Plans were made, he agreed, he fucked up however accidentally.

If he cancels now he lets you down and your friends, which is extremely rude. It's a shame but I think he needs to suck it up and put it down to his own error. If things were reversed would he happy with you being so rude and cancelling?

simontowers2 · 15/09/2014 20:52

Bit ott that dizzykipped. It's only a birthday and, personally, if i loved someone i wouldnt want them to be doing something they clearly dont want to be doing. The guy made a mistake. Big deal.

primarynoodle · 15/09/2014 20:53

what was the team and who were they playing?

cause that has a huge impact on yab/nbu

Explored · 15/09/2014 20:53

It's illegal to sell on a football ticket.

I'd agree absolutely if it was going to change the Op's day significantly but it isn't. The only bit DH needs to be there for is to meet the other man, which they can do any time.

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:08

Thanks everyone for the replies so far, seems fairly evenly balanced!

TheSkiingGardener yes, I did look into trying to fit both into one day, but the football is right in the middle of the day and not nearby so annoyingly he won't be able to come to both. And yes Explored, the date of the game changed AFTER he had bought his ticket (and after we had planned the sailing day) due to something about televised European matches or something (can you tell I care nothing about it?!), so he was right originally but then failed to see the date had changed about 6 weeks ago, when we could have more easily rearranged our plans.

On the one hand I think it's his mistake and he is messing up 3 people's plans AND ruining a day I've looked forward to for a long time, so therefore he should suck it up and just come with us. And he has now said that if I REALLY want him to, he will come along (being a matyr about it though!). But on the other hand I hate the thought of dragging him there under duress and knowing that he'll just be checking his phone all the time for the score and resenting me for 'ruining' something he's been looking forward to for about the same amount of time - I won't enjoy it if he's in a sulk. Argh. Don't know what to do. My friend is now saying we should try to rearrange as we really wanted to go with our DPs! Problem is I work a lot of weekends so it will be very tough to find a date that fits us all - hence why we had to pick a date two months in advance in the first place!

OP posts:

Explored · 15/09/2014 21:12

So his only mistake was not noticing that the date had changed? When the arrangements were made the dates did work.

You and your friend should stick with the original plan and have dinner with your DPs afterwards or on another day.
There, easy

milkpudding · 15/09/2014 21:14

Actually I think YABU for being so angry about this.

You and your friend want your husbands to be friends so you can double date, but your DH clearly isn't keen. Who knows whether your friend's husband is keen either. In my experience men don't like going on double dates to make new friends.

You and your friend can go on your sailing lesson as planned.

If he only sees his team five times a year and has bought a ticket especially, he would be disappointed to miss it.

I would be cross with him and get him to start using a calendar (on his phone?) but I wouldn't force him to come sailing tbh.

Littleturkish · 15/09/2014 21:22

He's being a dick. It's your birthday treat, he could sell his ticket.

But you're right, he'll ruin the day out of his sulking, so leave him at home and have a good time. I'd be so pissed off at this.

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:25

I guess I'm mostly annoyed because the football is on all the time and he could just book to go another day as he's going on his own, whereas the sailing is a one off and involves booking with other people. I hate it when I'm messed around with meeting up and also hate messing other people around with it, so am annoyed that he's caused this.

He has brought over some of my favourite chocolate though, so my sulking must be working at least a little bit . Maybe you are right and I should just convince my friend that only the two of us should go this time and then arrange a dinner or something for the four of us another time.

By the way DP does like my friend's DP and also loves sailing so it's not like I'm forcing him to do something he wouldn't enjoy! It's just that he would rather go to see his beloved team. But then I would also rather not have football on in the house all the time, so there's got to be a bit of give and take!

OP posts:

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:27

Oh and also ironically it was him who tried to get me into sailing so that we would have a shared hobby! Never mind...

OP posts:

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:31

I think if it was them that changed the dates, not him, then he's not so much to blame however if he can rebook and not lose anything then he is bvvu.

Explored · 15/09/2014 21:33

Noooo! That's where you're so wrong! Football is on all the time but this fixture is once per year. Saying he can go anytime is like saying never mind you missed the concert you wanted to see but there'll be another one you can go to.

Silverdaisy · 15/09/2014 21:36

Have you been together for long? Is this a response you would expect?

AliceLidl · 15/09/2014 21:41

I didn't know that they changed the dates of matches at short notice like this.

But since they have, and they did it after he bought his ticket (which should have Saturday's date on it) then surely he can get a refund?

If they sell the tickets as non-refundable and are able to swap and change the date of the match as they please, they will have a lot of unhappy people who can't go to the match and who are out of pocket.

You've all made arrangements around him, he asked you to plan for a particular day and so he should try and get a refund and come out as arranged.

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:42

Ha, yes Explored that's the sort of thing he would say, but I don't buy it! I guess there's always that divide between supporters and non-supporters - it doesn't seem so important to us non-supporters but for some supporters it's the centre of their world (sad, IMO!)

Silverdaisy yes we've been together a while now and he's always made it clear that football is a top priority for him so whenever his team is on I know not to plan anything then, so we've not had to deal with a clashing situation before. But in this case I planned it specifically so that it didn't clash and it was the bloody football that changed, not our plans!

OP posts:

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:45

AliceLidl apparently you can get a refund up until a week before the match, but he only realised last night so now it's too late.

OP posts:

pluCaChange · 15/09/2014 21:46

But why should he get what he wants and not three other people? As for punishing you all by sulking, is he 15?

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 21:46

As long as footballs a top priority- but not 'too' top OP. My friend's DC was in hospital and dear ex decided to go to see his team play at home rather then see his poorly daughter. It was more then a priority- an obsession.

pluCaChange · 15/09/2014 21:50

He may love the football, but it doesn't give a damn about him!

Explored · 15/09/2014 21:50

You're being very dismissive of something that's important to him. Why is it ok to do that because it's football but not, say, music?

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 21:54

I know, Explored, I'm not normally and do try to show an interest sometimes - it's just annoyed me this time and is nicer for me to blame football than to blame him! And also I have no equivalent interest that always gets priority like football does for him, so it doesn't seem quite fair that it always gets to trump whatever else I might want us to do together.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/09/2014 21:56

Who exactly is "we" is it, the op and her friend or the op and her husband?

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2014 21:57

I think I'd actually LTB. There's just no way I could be doing with a lifetime of selfish devotion to a team and acting like plans for a DP's birthday that they'd committed to suddenly didn't count.

Original poster

BackInTheGame · 15/09/2014 22:00

ChasedByBees I know what you mean! But I guess I have grown up surrounded by a dad, brother and three uncles who were all slaves to the game so I kind of saw it as normal (although very, very annoying!). And also DP is great in many ways! But yes, think we might need to come up with more of a compromise to stop this sort of thing happening in future.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread