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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

it is his birthday after all

55 replies

shrubbery · 15/09/2014 16:09

My other half works away from home all week and comes home at the weekends. It is his birthday tomorrow.
When he got home on Friday evening, we were all really pleased to see him. After I'd put our son to bed, we were talking and he said that he would not be going away for work again until Thursday, particularly because he had got tickets for a concert we had talked about going to on his birthday.
He then said that he would be going away to London tomorrow and going to the concert and spending his birthday evening with an old school friend, (female), and that he'd be back Wednesday evening.
I was so upset that I went and cried in the shower for ages so he wouldn't see that I wasn't happy with his plans. Today though, I got quite angry with him about it all.
I am upset that he does not want to spend his birthday with his little boy and me. I am also upset that, yet again, he is going out with someone else, when he and I have not been out anywhere together for 5 years.

OP posts:

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 15/09/2014 16:19

Have you told him how you feel?
I can understand why you are upset, I would be too. It does seem odd that he doesn't want to spend more time with you when he only sees you at weekends.
Have you asked him why his plans have changed?
I think you need to discuss with him how hurtful his actions are. Yes it is his birthday, but going by your post he seemed to be making plans with you, then dropped them to be with his friend. I would find that very odd.

Mouthfulofquiz · 15/09/2014 16:20

Oh dear! That doesn't sound very nice at all. I think you need to clearly tell him what you are upset about and why. Crying in secret doesn't help anyone. Yes it is his birthday but he ought to consider the feelings of you and DS. He is a grown up with a family after all.

comedycentral · 15/09/2014 16:21

You must talk to him about it, get to the bottom of it.

velveteenbunny · 15/09/2014 16:23

" he would be going away to London tomorrow and going to the concert and spending his birthday evening with an old school friend"

Well he'd rather spend his birthday with her than his own family, which is a worry.

Of course YANBU.

MrsMinton · 15/09/2014 16:24

YANBU Do you do anything as a family when he is home from work? You say you've not been out together for five years, does he or you go out alone?

Fudgeface123 · 15/09/2014 16:25

So you'd talked about going to the concert together and he's taking another woman? On his birthday? I would not be happy either.

How's the relationship usually?

LadyLuck10 · 15/09/2014 16:28

This is very wrong. It is his birthday but that makes it all more wrong that he chooses to spend it with another woman rather than his son and you. Why cry in the shower and spare his feelings when you should let him know exactly How you feel.

lovetheautumn · 15/09/2014 16:29

Please forgive any mistakes as this is my first post, but I had to give you a hug shrubbery. I would also find this upsetting. I think if you had discussed going to the concert together, it would be upsetting for him to them arrange to go with someone else, especially as you have not been out together in 5 years, I would be worried and upset about him not wanting the time together that you clearly would like. I think you definitely need to talk to him about this. If he is spending so much time away for work as it is, I can understand you being upset that he is also spending this time off away from you and your son, after you were looking forward to it, and also out of the blue. I feel he could have at least discussed it with you before, :( hugs

Doingakatereddy · 15/09/2014 16:30

This is awful behaviour from him, just awful. Does he have form for this type of crap?

I'm sorry you're going through this and rest assured YANBU and HE IS been a twat

lovetheautumn · 15/09/2014 16:34

oh I'm glad others are feeling the same way, feel brave enough to also say now that choosing to spend his birthday with another female friend over you and his son just doesn't feel right to me, I think he is being very unfair, and you definitely need to tell him how you feel

WiseGuysHighRise · 15/09/2014 16:38

Usually on these posts I think "ffs, stop making something out of nothing".

Not in this case though - I'd be fuming. You need to say how you feel. On the off chance he's dim enough not to realise he's being an insensitive knob, don't go in all guns blazing. Stay calm and tell him exactly how you feel.

BackforGood · 15/09/2014 16:57

I don't understand this bit I was so upset that I went and cried in the shower for ages so he wouldn't see that I wasn't happy with his plans

You are married - yet you won't let him know if he's upset you ?

Is the concert a person/group you'd want to see?
Wasn't this all discussed when he was buying the tickets?

If the concert happens to be on his birthday, then that's the day it is, surely, as a family you can do a 'special tea' or whatever you want to do on another day - we frequently do that, so we mark the birthday, but quite often on a nearby weekend or whatever fits round what's happening in life generally.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/09/2014 17:01

Why are you crying in the shower instead of talking to him? You're married, he's the one person you should be communicating with.

I wouldn't be happy either. Why haven't you been out for five years? Is he usually like this?

Tell him how you feel.

Original poster

shrubbery · 15/09/2014 18:41

Thanks for the hug lovetheautumn - I didn't realise that virtual ones worked, but they do!
I cried in the shower because I didn't want to make a fuss about it when he had just walked in the door after a week away.
I did kind of lose it this morning though. He gave me a packet of biscuits, (chocolate digestives), and I had a bit of a rant about them not making up for it.
He said he had nothing to make up for and that the only issue was in my head.
Yes, doingakate, he does "have form for this type of crap" and yes mrsminton, he does go out alone, but I don't.
pobble, we haven't been out together, just the two of us, for 5 years, because he never wants to - when he goes out or away, it is with his friends and I don't get invited.
I feel like a live in housekeeper.
I wanted to get your perspective on this because I get quite depressed and this can really cloud my judgement about such things.

OP posts:

notagainffffffffs · 15/09/2014 18:45

Do uou really need him even?! What a fucking insensitive arse. I would tell him that if he goes then not to bother coming back. Youre allowed to be angry! Being little wifey nodding and smiling obviously isnt working out for you so do something about it

MrsMinton · 15/09/2014 19:05

Shrubbery you deserve better than this. Working away all week should mean when he gets home he wants to do things with you all. Not then live a single life while you raise your son and take care of the home. If you both went out separately and together then that's fine. However it seems like you are the last consideration in his plans and that's very wrong.

maddening · 15/09/2014 19:11

Tell him that you are not happy - whether it feels that it is your head makes no odds they are your feelings - if he doesn't care about your feelings then why is he married to you.

Tbh the first thing that comes to my mind is that he sounds detached from you - you went out 5 years ago - did 1) your dc being born and 2)his working away happen before you stopped being prt of his social life?

AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 19:11

Yes, you are treated like the housekeeper and fit only for domestic drudgery

Why are you sticking around for more of this ?

Stop crying in the shower and realise you are worth more than this. I suggest you LTB.

Discobugsacha · 15/09/2014 19:11

He is not your oh. He is treating you like a concubine. Lock the door and change the locks the next time he leaves and ensure he pays child maintenance.

You KNOW this is not a normal relationship.

Why do women put up with being treated like this:(

glidingpig · 15/09/2014 19:17

What a knob! Do not let him convince you the problem's all in your head, OP. He's being horrible. :(

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 19:22

This not an equal marriage and he is not a respectful good husband or father.

PinkSquash · 15/09/2014 19:25

Please don't stand for this behaviour, you're worth a lot more than this.

Fuchsteufel · 15/09/2014 19:31

No this is completely unacceptable behaviour and he sounds like a right cunt. My DH travels a lot, and he has missed several birthdays over the years for work, but choosing to celebrate with a friend over you on the day is not on at all.

Albertatata · 15/09/2014 19:36

Bloody hell I wouldn't be crying in the shower I would be going mental ( but then I'm the OP from the DH won't take my cake into work thread so I probably have a slightly lower threshold!)

You've got to have this out with him - its not on

HappyAgainOneDay · 15/09/2014 19:37

Makes me wonder if he really does 'work away' from home. Does he live a double life? Weekdays with OW and weekends with OP? If this is the case, he made a mistake of talking about the concert to the OP. He meant to talk to the OW about it.

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