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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

it is his birthday after all

55 replies

shrubbery · 15/09/2014 16:09

My other half works away from home all week and comes home at the weekends. It is his birthday tomorrow.
When he got home on Friday evening, we were all really pleased to see him. After I'd put our son to bed, we were talking and he said that he would not be going away for work again until Thursday, particularly because he had got tickets for a concert we had talked about going to on his birthday.
He then said that he would be going away to London tomorrow and going to the concert and spending his birthday evening with an old school friend, (female), and that he'd be back Wednesday evening.
I was so upset that I went and cried in the shower for ages so he wouldn't see that I wasn't happy with his plans. Today though, I got quite angry with him about it all.
I am upset that he does not want to spend his birthday with his little boy and me. I am also upset that, yet again, he is going out with someone else, when he and I have not been out anywhere together for 5 years.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/09/2014 19:39

So he's away all week and would rather go out without you?

He's been away all week he should be excited about getting home and spending time with his family. You are a live in house keeper. It's time to do something about it. You deserve so much better.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 15/09/2014 19:40

You are definitely not over reacting - I would be furious.
You both spoke about the concert and he's going with someone else - he is being a huge wanker.

mommy2ash · 15/09/2014 19:46

that doesn't seem right at all. What woman would go out with a married man on his birthday knowing his wife is at home? are you sure it's just a friend. it doesn't sound like much of a relationship if he doesn't prioritise you and your son

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 15/09/2014 19:47

Yeah - am so sorry - he does sound like a tosser

Bellwether · 15/09/2014 20:39

I think you need to prepare yourself for the realisation that he's seeing that woman.

GummiberryJuice · 15/09/2014 20:45

Think I agree with bellwether and happyagain.

Did you think you were going to the concert? Did you even know he had tickets? Do you know this friend well?

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/09/2014 20:51

He works away usually, yet chooses to go away when he is home, and spend time with others rather than you
He clearly doesn't tell you what he's doing or his plans from one day to the next
He's going to something you would like to do with someone else
You never go out together.
You don't feel you can say anything when he is being outrageously insensitive (at best, and that is being pretty charitable), or flagrantly unkind.

You don't have to take this crap, OP.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2014 21:00

Well, hell. He works away all week anyway, you never get to go out - if you got divorced you'd end up with some free time to do as you please on his access days with the DC and you wouldnt need to cry in the shower...

I don't usually suggest anyone should LTB but you don't deserve this treatment, OP.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 15/09/2014 21:07

How drastically would your life change if you actually kicked this disrespectful inconsiderate selfish cocklodger him out?

You already spend Monday-Friday alone. He comes home and you don't get any quality time out together and (forgive me if I've misread) you don't get to go out alone with your friends either. He'd rather spend his birthday with a friend than you, but you can't tell him how much this hurts you because he insists the issue is "all in your head".

Really. What good are you getting from this set-up?

MrsCumbersnatch · 15/09/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldfishCrackers · 15/09/2014 21:14

You're not overreacting.
And I'm not surprised you're depressed if you're partnered with this arsehole.

fatlazymummy · 15/09/2014 21:16

Sorry, I agree with happyagain ,I went through what you are going through now for years, my ex was living a double life (with another family). It sounds very familiar to me.
Hope you are OK ,op.

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/09/2014 21:20

Shock OP! You know you can do better, right??

MrsCurrent · 15/09/2014 21:21

Ohhhh, I really feel for you. I won't tell you what you need to do but honestly, this is awful. I think all the scenarios are covered by everyone above and I agree with them all I'm afraid. Out of interest, before you were with him were you more assured and confident? Does he make you feel like you can't do things you used to? Just wondering if this man is destroying you slowly. This also sounds a terrible example of a decent parent to set to your dc.

My DH worked weekdays away for 6 months, he hated it, he missed the smelly, messy horrors that were at the time keeping us sleep deprived; he felt guilty at leaving me to work ft and do everything for the aforementioned dc. When he came home we were together all weekend. He didn't even go out with his mates in this time (and he's a sociable bunny, I'm not, I cba dressing up much, I socialise with friends by sticking my walking boots on). I'm not saying we're perfect but I certainly don't feel like shit. These are for you Flowers

McFox · 15/09/2014 21:29

He's treating you like crap. No wonder you're upset, I'd be fuming. My DH works away a lot of the time and when he's home he very rarely goes out without me and our DS because he misses us so much when he's away, and us him. That's normal, but what your partner is doing is not.

Doingakatereddy · 15/09/2014 21:42

Saying 'it's all in your head' when you have a rational reason to be emotionally upset is emotionally abusive.

If my husband treated me the same as your husband I react with shock, upset, anger & jealousy. All the things you have.

Your emotions are legitimate, your husband is acting in a way that is not normal. People who and I'm sorry to say this, love each other do not behave this way.

I would urge you to seek help. Friends, family - start getting some support because your anger & upset should get worse, you should take a stand and you should tell him that this is unacceptable. But you'll need a firm hand hold & hug while you do this. Xxxx

quietbatperson · 15/09/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 15/09/2014 22:51

WTAF?!?!

This is NOT how a partner behaves. When we have a birthday, we do it as a family. The birthday boy/girl picks something involving extreme food/sports/noise, and the other two come along and enjoy it although DD got a bit hypothermic on my 45th falling into Llyn Idwal. Blush

Oh, and he cheats.

CockBollocks · 15/09/2014 22:56

What he's doing is completely and utterly disgusting behaviour. You need to tell him so.

If he won't listen please tell him where to go.

Momagain1 · 15/09/2014 23:05

It would be one thing if this had been openly discussed, and planned, rather than announced last minute. My brother-in-law goes down to London with old mates once or twice a year, but, his family, even us hundreds of miles the other direction, know about it just as we know about when he and his family are going on holiday. For that matter, we usually know when his wife is going off with her friends and he will be parenting alone.

But this? This isnt right at all. This is very sneaky and suspicious. And mean.

Izzy24 · 15/09/2014 23:05

He's a complete wanker. This is emotional abuse.

Original poster
shrubbery · 15/09/2014 23:08

Thank you all for taking the time to post, though it has rather shaken me up. I really wasn't expecting such a unanimous response.
We are not married, though we've been together for 10 years. Not sure if that makes a difference?
I don't think he is in a relationship with the friend he is going to the concert with - she is married and has children.
OH's behaviour towards me and our social life together changed when I had our son. It started when our son was a few weeks old - he went away to a wedding and to Glastonbury etc. There is no way I would have taken a young baby anyway, but I was upset that he still wanted to go.
It has basically continued on from there - anything he does do is without me and he makes no plans for us to go out together.
Having said all this, leaving him was not something I had even considered when I started this post. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I gave up my career when I had our son and it is not a profession that really works around having children. I am not a particularly strong person at the best of times and I have never been confident!
I think I was just feeling sorry for myself and wishing that he would at least realise that I had reason to be upset about his plans, if not actually involve me in them.

Thanks again

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 15/09/2014 23:29

Dear OP, you and your feelings are way down his list of priorities, obviously. Sorry to be so blunt.
You are stronger than you think. Starting a new life without him may well make you more confident. Please don't sit around passively waiting for him to love you.

McFox · 15/09/2014 23:57

Good luck with whatever you decide to do Shrubbery. But no matter what, never think that you couldn't leave him even if you wanted to. There are (sadly) hundreds of us on MN who felt the same at some point and have managed to start over again when it seemed impossible. There is always a way, always someone to help, always a bit of strength you didn't know you had when you need it the most. Your life - and your child's - doesn't need to be this. Be kind to yourself.

KoalaDownUnder · 16/09/2014 03:52

YANBU, even remotely.

The fact that you are not married makes no difference at all.

I'm really sensitive about this at the moment, as my good friend is in a very similar situation. They have two young children together, yet her partner spends all his leisure time with his friends. It's so hurtful for her, and she is clearly bottom priority. She won't/can't leave because the kids love him, and because she doesn't think she can go it alone financially.

Please don't resign yourself to living like this, OP. You've conditioned yourself to accept the scraps, and it's not good enough.

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