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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that I can't go bed until DD gets home?

58 replies

WideAwakeNow · 14/09/2014 23:31

She is 17 and in her 2nd year at college. Apparently she is too old for a curfew and none of her friends have one but we have comprised on 11pm on college nights and 12 30 on weekends although she doesn't start back at college until Tuesday so doesn't want to come back until 12 30 tonight.

I have 3 DC to get up with in the morning and am knackered so want to go to bed but there is no way I can go up until I know she is safely in. She has a key. I suffer from anxiety anyway so have lots of 'what ifs?' flying around my mind.

How the hell do parents of older teens cope with this? It will be much worse in 3 months when she's able to go clubbing and stay out until 3am! Aaarrrggghhhh! Wish they were all still primary school age!

OP posts:

exexpat · 14/09/2014 23:34

When I was that sort of age, one of my friends agreed a system with her mum where her mum put an alarm clock outside her bedroom door, set at the curfew time. Friend had to turn it off on her way in - and if she missed the curfew her mum got woken up and was ready and waiting to tell her off when she got home. Worth a try?

306235388 · 14/09/2014 23:34

The thing is that as hard as it sounds you've really got to try not to let your anxiety affect her .

Where is she until 0030? If somewhere safe then just go to bed and even read - set your alarm for 1am in case you doze off then you can check she's in.

17 ( almost 18?) is fairly old to have a curfew IMO but she lives in your house and presumably doesn't pay rent so...

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 15/09/2014 00:07

I had no curfew as soon as I finished secondary school. I was frequently gone for a week or more, with my parents having no idea where I was (before mobiles).

Not saying that is the right approach as to be honest I was getting up to all kinds of really dodgy shit.

But I am also a believer of letting kids learn from their mistakes. I don't know of any 17 year old that has a curfew. Giving your dd a bit more freedom now may mean that it won't be such a 'thing' when she turns 18/goes to uni, or whenever you don't have any say over her behaviour.

BackforGood · 15/09/2014 00:19

Of course you can go to bed.
You might struggle to relax into sleep until you hear the door shut, if you are that anxious, but it's only you that's stopping you going up and getting washed and into PJs and snuggled down under the quilt where - you never know, - sleep might come.

HerrenaHarridan · 15/09/2014 00:44

The alarm outside her bedroom door is pure genius

Explored · 15/09/2014 00:48

Agree the alarm is brilliant but a more positive way of describing it would be that mum can go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that should DD miss curfew (which would obviously only happen if something had gone wrong) mum would be woken to leap in to action

I've always suspected that parents who can't sleep until their children are in are exaggerating. My dad always claimed this, but if he knew what time I was really getting in.....perhaps you get used to it.

Aradia · 15/09/2014 01:46

I had left home at 17!! Think you may be a tiny bit unreasonable to be totally honest. Go to bed woman!

Jengnr · 15/09/2014 01:51

11.30 on a college night and 12.30 at the weekend? They're very early curfews.

At 17 I was out clubbing almost every night of the week - each club had a different night on - and I was young enough to have the stamina for it.

Mind you, as a (reasonably) law abiding type, under those rules I'd have stayed at a mate's all night instead. One with much more reasonable parents. Go to bed, she'll be fine.

pippinleaf · 15/09/2014 06:14

I'd agree with the weekday curfew but the weekend one is harsh. I didn't ever have a curfew at weekends. Could you try a compromise where she has to be in by any time she likes on the weekend but stick to her weekday curfew. If she misses a weekday curfew she can't stay out late at the weekend?

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 15/09/2014 06:48

I think you should be giving your dd more freedom. We used to stay up for my ds when he was 15, to make sure he was home. However, we found it exhausting and it didn't seem fair to ask him to come home at an early time just because we were tired.

In the end, we just started going to sleep before he got home. Our dc are now 18 and 16and haven't had curfews for ages, except when they we doing exams. I do tend to worry a bit when they are out, but as both of them are of an age when they could leave home, get married etc then I really can't insist on a curfew.

Do try to relax a bit more about it, or your dd will become very resentful.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/09/2014 07:19

It is part of being a parent. I used to lie in bed and couldn't relax until they were in but that was my problem- not theirs.
I can't see how the alarm works if you have younger children. It will wake them all up!
You have years of it- and will have to find a way around it- as we all do.

mindthegap79 · 15/09/2014 07:28

When my db and I were teenagers we had a system where our parents went to bed but left the landing light on. We had to turn it off when we crept in well post curfew - that way they knew immediately on waking if we were home.

Redglitter · 15/09/2014 07:32

We did the light on thing too. If my brother and I were both out we had to check if the other was in or not.

Hall light still on meant someone was out. Light out meant we were all home in one piece

MrsDavidBowie · 15/09/2014 07:35

Just go to bed.
Dd is just 18 and I no longer stay up for her. I am in bed by ten so there's no way I'm going to stay up till 1 at the weekend. She has never been to a club but goes to theatre or to friends houses.

AtiaoftheJulii · 15/09/2014 07:35

My dd1 must be just about the same age as yours. I do go to bed - I might not sleep, depends what time it is. She texts me when she gets home (she quite often texts me randomly throughout the evening to keep me updated too, but that's just her) as her bedroom is ground floor and mine is in the loft and she doesn't want to come up two flights!

She's pretty much always either on her bike or walking home with someone, so I don't worry too much about her getting home safely, which helps.

Shodan · 15/09/2014 07:52

No curfew for ds1. I ask him before he goes out if he has a rough idea of what time he might be home. If he has no idea, I ask for a text later in the evening (before my bedtime) with a rough eta. Or failing that, a text letting me know where he is at some point.

Never had a problem with the system. I've always trusted him to do the above and he's always done it, so I have no anxieties there.

bruffin · 15/09/2014 07:58

I have teens, thankfully my DD (17) this week doesnt go out much at night and if she does DH collects her. DS 19 doesnt like clubbing etc so is usually home at a reasonble hour ie on the last train.

My mum used to stay up for my dsis when we had left home. One night she waited up until 2 in the morning (long before mobiles) and was beginning to panic. My dad was asleep or he would have got really angry with dsis . For some reason she went into dsis's bedroom and dsis was fast asleep on the bed, she had managed to sneak in without anyone hearing her.

Gatehouse77 · 15/09/2014 08:22

My DH's family did something I plan to adopt when Mine reach that stage.

They set an alarm for the curfew time and left it on the stairs when they went to bed. If said teenager got home in time they would turn off the alarm and his parents would be able to sleep uninterrupted. If the alarm went off they would get up, wait a while (we're talking the days before mobile phones!) before going into panic mode. That said, I don't think they had any as it was usually a case of them running a few minutes late.

Delphiniumsblue · 15/09/2014 17:27

That system was mentioned in the first reply! Since she has 3 younger children I fail to see how waking them all up with an alarm works!!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 15/09/2014 17:51

DS2 is 18 so able to go out drinking legally, we have a system where he leaves his bedroom door open until he comes home then its shut so when I get up for a wee i know if he is safely in without having to open the door and disturb him ... works unless its a work day when I am often in the kitchen making breakfast when he rocks up

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 15/09/2014 17:58

I'd left home by the time I was 17. DSD stopped having a curfew when she left school, she was going abroad with her friends when she was 16! I do think YABU, but I can understand having anxiety that it can be difficult to relax until she's home. I think you do need to come up with some techniques to help you cope as she's getting older otherwise you're going to end up making yourself ill.

lovetheautumn · 15/09/2014 18:03

the alarm clock is a great idea i love it! if you set it say 15 mins after they should be home, chances are it will never go off to wake any other kiddies up, as it will have been turned off when they get home, it will only go off in case of potential emergencies

ilovechristmas1 · 15/09/2014 18:11

one of mine 15yrs dont have a set time

weekends he usually comes back approx 11,30,i just leave the back door unlocked for him and he locks it behind him (im the only one with keys)

i have a medical condition that means once ive taken my medication im pretty unwakable,though i sense when he comes in (if that makes sense)

if hes gonna be late he will phone to let me know

i understand you dont want to stay up for her,but you really are gonna have to give her the responsibility of coming home without you waiting up

to be honest im probably a bit lax about times but she's 17,at that age i had left home and was living on my own,she is nearly an adult i think you have to let her have some responsibility

you probably wont ever be fully asleep anyway till you hear her come in,part of the buggers having a social life

Me624 · 15/09/2014 18:14

Another one here who never had a curfew. I'd text my mum and let her know if I wasn't coming home (staying at friend's or boyfriend's) but otherwise would just rock up whenever, turn all the lights on and make a load of noise making toast. My poor parents!

EatingMyWords · 15/09/2014 19:16

At that age my Mum used to just check and see if my shoes were there in the morning so she knew if I'd come home the night before or not I didn't go out late on school nights though IIRC.

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