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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that I can't go bed until DD gets home?

58 replies

WideAwakeNow · 14/09/2014 23:31

She is 17 and in her 2nd year at college. Apparently she is too old for a curfew and none of her friends have one but we have comprised on 11pm on college nights and 12 30 on weekends although she doesn't start back at college until Tuesday so doesn't want to come back until 12 30 tonight.

I have 3 DC to get up with in the morning and am knackered so want to go to bed but there is no way I can go up until I know she is safely in. She has a key. I suffer from anxiety anyway so have lots of 'what ifs?' flying around my mind.

How the hell do parents of older teens cope with this? It will be much worse in 3 months when she's able to go clubbing and stay out until 3am! Aaarrrggghhhh! Wish they were all still primary school age!

OP posts:
Tiptops · 15/09/2014 19:31

I think she is too old for a curfew. At 17, I wasn't given set times to be home by but would let my parents know roughly what time I'd be back, or if I had decided to stay over somewhere. I do appreciate the situation must be so much harder for you with your anxiety, maybe come to a compromise of going to sleep but setting an alarm to check if she is home at the time arranged?

JustMarriedBecca · 15/09/2014 19:42

I had a curfew until I went to University. My parents house, my parents rules.

This Christmas my Mum told me to make sure my brother knew I was in to lock the inner door (he got in after me). Apparently spelling out 'I am in dickhead' in alphabites on the kitchen table is not appropriate to find Christmas morning. I should add I'm 32 and married(!!).

AtiaoftheJulii · 15/09/2014 21:43

I used to go in and give my mum a kiss goodnight when I got home, even when I was back at home for a few months after university Smile She never complained, but now I wonder quite how appreciative she was, lol!

hormonalandneedingcheese · 15/09/2014 22:09

I think the more you force yourself to try and let her get on with it the better. The first few times will be hard and you'll lie in bed biting you nails but gradually over time it may get better. Especially if you vigorously exercise that evening, have a bath and do things that help you relax.

I used to drop them a text when i got in, the beeping would semi wake them but not as much as going in would. Mum wanted this for a while (but to be fair i was going out at 16 and not coming back until after 12), then when Iw as older and waking them up by being drunk they weren't impressed at the reminder that I was home.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 16/09/2014 00:14

Dd's weekday curfew finished when she turned 16, prior to which it was 10, because of homework and pre-school sport sessions. The only proviso was that she showed us her doorkey before she left, and absolute silence on her return. If she brings back a friend, same applies to them. This means that occasionally there's a stranger on the sofa (only straight women and gay men in her bedroom) when we get up, but as long as they wash the pots up...

BettyFocker · 16/09/2014 00:27

I think YABU for giving your 17 year old a curfew. She's old enough to move out if she wanted to. No-one had a curfew when I was that age.

At 17, I worked part-time and attended college. I also went out clubbing most weekends. My parents were strict but once I was 16, I was allowed to stay out for however long I wanted as long as I didn't wake the entire house up when I came home.

Once I came home pissed in the early hours at 17, offering my mum my greasy takeaway chips. She had to take my shoes off for me. She found it funny when we spoke about it the next day, but did the parent thing of warning me not to drink so much.

It's your own anxiety that's stopping you from going to sleep. Go to bed. And give your DD her freedom.

HavanaSlife · 16/09/2014 00:37

Why are you pissed off with her? Its your problem that you won't go to sleep until you know shes in, not hers!

I waited up for ds1 until he was 18 but totally understood it was my issue not his.

They dont magically become safer once they turn 18 and you dont magically stop worrying but a curfew cant carry on forever and you need to learn to deal with it.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 16/09/2014 00:39

My dad is a night owl anyway, but he always stayed up. I suspect even when DH and me were staying as newly married 20 something's he kept one ear out.

When I was younger he was always happy to come out to rial discos and pick us up at 1am.

Even last weekend I rang at 1am to say I was sadly home (I'm 46, but I knew he'd still be up) not waiting especially he wouldn't have gone to bed anyway, but he still likes to know.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 16/09/2014 00:40

Rural

Ericaequites · 16/09/2014 01:05

Of course a seventeen year old should have a curfew! On school nights, 2300 is more than reasonable. I wasn't allowed out on school night, nor were my siblings.

sashh · 16/09/2014 06:42

I can't see how the alarm works if you have younger children. It will wake them all up!

The idea is that the alarm never actually goes off.

As for waking up younger children, a parent knowing what the alarm is for will be awake in seconds.

BomChickaMeowMeow · 16/09/2014 06:59

I think being out every night with friends until 11pm is a lot! I used to go out once or twice a week with friends when I was at sixth form college, and I worked on a Saturday night. Any more than that and I wouldn't have got through the homework and revision.

That said, the big night out was Mondays when we used to go to a student night in a club and I'd stay at my friend's house who lived nearer to town. We used to get in at 2.30 am. My mum was ok with this as she knew where I was, it wasn't every Monday and we'd always get up and go to college on time the next day. Friday nights we'd be out until 11.15 (and my mum would usually pick us up). But other than that and one night a week working in a pub I was at home with my parents.

BomChickaMeowMeow · 16/09/2014 07:09

I didn't have a curfew though- I don't think kids need rules like that if they are sensible and you have a good relationship.

In fact my mum was keen that I didn't have a curfew as she had to be in by nine until she was 21, which often meant she had to leave parties before her friends and walk home on her own - much less safe.

Delphiniumsblue · 16/09/2014 07:43

If the alarm is never going to go off then it is pretty pointless having one - just train yourself to go to sleep. As a younger sibling I would have been awake in seconds too.
I can't see the point of a curfew- within months they will likely be away from home so self discipline is much better.
She is in far more danger if she has to leave alone, before friends.
I can sympathise - I can't tell you how many nights I have lain awake worrying but that us my problem - not DCs.
I had the hall light on- I could see through the door - if they were back it was off- far less intrusive than setting alarms and waking the whole house!

lanbro · 16/09/2014 07:52

I don't recall having a curfew but I have always had to let them know if I'm going to be a lot later than planned or not come home at all, even during a brief spell at home in my late twenties! Trust and respect are key.

lanbro · 16/09/2014 07:53

And my mum had always had very strict and unreasonable curfews so didn't put curfews on us, just expected us to be sensible!

TattyDevine · 16/09/2014 09:57

I really think you need to find a way to deal with this.

Its not her fault you suffer anxiety and not her fault you can't go to sleep before she's home.

She is entitled to a social life, yes a little at 17 but even more so as she gets older - the late teens and early 20's are some of the best times of your life, whether or not you are still at home, and if you are, its a shame to miss out.

I know I sound unsympathetic but my mother would always do dramatic yawning and scowling when I got in (seldom much after midnight and as arranged) simply because I was out, sometimes at work! I used to work till half midnight, go somewhere for a drink, then come home just after one sometimes.

Then she'd try and get me up in the morning - "if I can be awake after such a late night so can you!". In the end I asked her if she wanted me to move out - as I had a full time job (the one keeping me out till 1am) I was in a position to rent a room with a friend. She did chill out a bit after that but it was still obvious to me she wasn't asleep till I was in. Perhaps not her fault but not mine either - she wanted me to have the job!

Couldn't win in that house sometimes. Damned if you did, damned if you didn't...

DarkHeart · 16/09/2014 16:41

Agree totally with Tatty- my mother was the same and it drove me mad

lovetheautumn · 16/09/2014 17:08

delphiniums the point is it will only go off if there is a reason for them to wake up, it will go off if they don't arrive home

Shinyshoes2 · 16/09/2014 17:17

My DS 1 is 17 and doesn't have a curfew and I sleep just fine
Go to bed will you and stop putting your anxieties onto her

Scholes34 · 16/09/2014 17:24

No curfews for us, as such, but I'd certainly want the DC home and in bed before I go to bed on a school night. On weekends, I only insist that the DC say roughly when they'll be home and we go for the landing light approach . . . only I've just realised that now with two DC coming in potentially after I've gone to bed, I'll not know if it's one or two DC that have made it home! It'll have to be a combination of bedroom doors and the landing light.

cherrybombxo · 16/09/2014 17:29

I used to roll in at 5am when I was 17, if I even came home at all. I'd always text to say that I wouldn't be back but she wouldn't dream of giving me a curfew! My curfew was 11pm when I was 15.

Delphiniumsblue · 16/09/2014 17:39

I still can't see why the whole house needs to be woken up if she isn't in on time!
A lot of mother's have an anxiety problem- it goes with being a mother! OP needs to find a way to cope, especially as she has 4 children and years of it to come!
I have a 10 yr gap so I suffered it for a long time- but didn't make my problem my DCs problem.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/09/2014 17:46

17 is far to old for a curfew. And it's unfair for you to make her responsible for your mental well being by waiting up and getting yourself in a state. You know she's out and she's going to be late. It's not like she disappeared after work and you have no idea where she is.

Many people her age live in halls or shared houses at college and are in dependant.

Ruebarb · 16/09/2014 17:51

I used to worry about my dcs particularly as ds worked evening shifts as well. We used a bedroom door system whereby we left their doors open when we went to bed and they closed them when they came in. If I got up during the night I could see immediately if they were in and saved me opening doors in morning to check which invariably disturbed them