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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being annoyed at in-laws and OH?

93 replies

Kellaree · 14/09/2014 18:57

My partner's parents are visiting us (though they are staying in a hotel) and my OH only gave me 12 hours notice that they were coming! Whereas he had known for over 2 weeks!

In-laws showed up on Friday afternoon expecting a cooked meal but due to not knowing they were coming I hadn't budgeted to include them in the meal plan so didn't cook for them. They were annoyed at me so OH said I would cook for them on Saturday night except I couldn't because I didn't get home from work until 7:30pm! Again they were annoyed and so they told me that on Sunday (today) they were going to take DS and OH to the beach and I would stay at home and cook and clean!

Like I didn't even have a choice if I wanted to go or not! I did want to go to the beach but in-laws insisted I stay and cook dinner. So off they went to the beach and I spent 3.5 hours cooking a roast dinner only for them to come home late and not even say thank you after they ate it.

Then after dinner I washed and cleaned up with no help (and I did ask). When I was finally done I went and sat on the sofa only for them to tell me to sit on the floor like I am a bloody dog because they & OH wanted to relax on the sofa. We only have one large corner sofa, no armchairs because we can't fit them in the room but OH could have sat on the floor instead but no, he wanted to sit next to his mummy on the sofa and I had to get off and sit on the floor. We have a booth/bench table in the dining room so no chairs to bring in to sit on.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like they treat me like some sort of maid and being annoyed?

OP posts:

Surfsup1 · 15/09/2014 00:44

A car seat is really no big deal - it's not like they bought you a house! You really think your dignity is worth less than a car-seat?!

You say that you don't want the relationship with your ILs to get worse - but how about making it better? If you can't change the relationship you have with them now, then it rally isn't a relationship worth having. They sound like bullies and bullies don't respect doormats. I'm astonished that you would cook and clean for them after being treated so horribly.

A few people have asked, but is there some sort of cultural divide going on here? Do they have less respect for you because you're not married to your partner and therefore they see you as some sort of concubine?

Anyway, YABU for letting them treat you this way, but YANBU for thinking that their behaviour is atrocious.

Show your DP this thread - should at least get a conversation started.

MumofWombat · 15/09/2014 01:04

I agree with everyone, your DH needs to realise how you have been treated (by him and the inlaws) and that it's not right.

My MIL tried to order me to do something in our house once. My stubborn side came out instantly and even though it was a job that needed doing, hell would have frozen over before I did it. Unfortunately for her she made this stand in front of DHs uncle and aunt (who are lovely) so she lost face. She hasn't pulled that stunt on me again.

Primaryteach87 · 15/09/2014 01:20

Oh OP, you deserve better than this. Good people give gifts for others to enjoy, they hope for gratitude not servitude! Others above are right, your partner has treated you very badly.

If you find it hard to express yourself, leave him a letter and say you are going to stay with a friend for a night and you would like to talk when you get back. Hopefully he will have time to reflect.m

iK8 · 15/09/2014 01:25

What is wrong with you oh? Why can he not tell you they are coming? Why can he not sort out some meals?

And what is wrong with you that you would put up with this? Why can you not say "I'm so sorry there's nothing to eat, unfortunately oh forgot to tell me you were coming or I'd have made sure we had a lovely meal to welcome you. I can do you a bit of cheese on toast but I completely understand if you would rather go out for dinner tonight." Or "sorry I was working until 7.30pm as oh well knows. Oh why have you not made your parents some dinner? They are our guests! Pil, I'm so sorry I can't imagine what he was thinking." Or "Sorry, you think I might like to stay at home and cook and clean while you all go out for a lovely afternoon? Actually I think I'd rather come to the beach! We can have a nice meal when I get in. I expect I'll work up a good appetite on the beach! OH I will cook, you can do the washing up - okay?". "Shove up I want to sit down please... well if you're not moving I'm going to take myself off to bed/going to read in my room/off out. Bye!".

And when I type "sorry" I don't expect you to mean it. Just being polite and firm and unmoving.

LindyHemming · 15/09/2014 04:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat · 15/09/2014 07:25

There's nothing wrong with the OP. There is however, something wrong with her in laws and DH's behaviour.

And having no family and friends may also be an indicator that the OP is in an abusive situation. She would need to expand on that. Either way she wasn't using it as an excuse. Just explaining the situation.

whois · 15/09/2014 07:28

I think, if I'd been told to stay home and cook and clean, my DP would come home to find his stuff in bin bags outside.

Stand up for yourself OP!

Yangsun · 15/09/2014 07:36

It sounds like a very difficult situation and as others have said your do absolutely needs to pull his finger out and tell his dps their behaviour is unacceptable. As someone else has said don't behave like they are telling you what to do. Act as if it's a suggestion that you don't really fancy. "Oh thanks, it is nice to have a bit of time off but I think I'll take advantage of it and head out myself, I don't want to do all the housework myself or dp will get the wrong idea" (then a little chuckle at the very idea of doing all the housework yourself!) "Come on budge up everyone, there's room for a little one!" Etc

musicalendorphins2 · 15/09/2014 07:52

Don't sell your soul for a car seat! Your husband is not great, you are wrong. A decent man would have insisted that you sat ion the sofa, and also, would have told you 2 weeks earlier that they were coming.
It is abusive behavior from them, and personally, I would kick him out, or else leave.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/09/2014 09:07

Your husband is your problem.

mummytime · 15/09/2014 09:11

Please OP come on here more, maybe even hang out in relationships.

You need to make more friends, and boost your confidence. Do you have friends at work? Do you meet people through your son?

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 15/09/2014 09:18

Why did you cook them a roast?

TooManyNames · 15/09/2014 09:18

YANBU - if it makes you feel any better my ML is staying with us (not in a hotel!) and I am officially house maid/babysitter. Its disgusting, but I tolerate it for my husband's sake and to keep the peace as we only see her once a year. My MIL is also v forceful.
I would minimum let your OH know how you feel and make sure he knows this is a huge sacrifice you're doing for him. Good luck and hugs...

queenofwesteros · 15/09/2014 09:24

You keep saying your OH is great.
Your OH is not great.
If any man treated me like that he'd have been kicked out on his arse a long time ago.

WiseGuysHighRise · 15/09/2014 09:50

I want to tell you something OP.

My husband is a fabuolus man. We have a great relationship and We are supportive of each other. Last time we stayed at the IL's DH was saying " Wise has had a promotion in work - tell them what your boss said about you..." or "Wise made a really great soup the other night, what was in it again?". I went out for lunch with MIL while DH took his dad to a retail park (FIL doesn't drive). Came back, FIL made one of his famous curries. Then we sat and watched a bit of TV with cups of tea and biscuites etc.

I see nothing unusual in that. I expect nothing less than a good, cordial, honest relationship with my ILs. Because I'm a good person, DH is a good person and ILs are good people. That is how good people interact.

If my DH and ILs treated me the way yours did, I'd be shell shocked. They are completely out of order. But you can decide whether you want to buy into this or not.

From your OP I don't think you have children. Can you predict what type of father your DP would be? EDo you see him as someone that would split the grind equally? Or would childcare be completely your remit? Your DP is sending you clear signals about where you fit on his priority list.

WiseGuysHighRise · 15/09/2014 09:55

Sorry, misread, you DO have DC. Oh my - that makes it all the worse then!

evalyn · 15/09/2014 10:24

Kellaree:

It strikes me that your experience is so far away from that of most posters on MN that you must be from a different culture from many of us. One that denigrates women, or at least wives of their menfolk?

I recall my mother relating her own experience of having to kowtow all the time to brothers and, later, to other men in her family and the wider world. But that was many, many years ago. Things have moved on. (I know, all is still not well vis-a-vis gender relations in our society! But still; moved on.) My own ILs treated me - all their DCs partners - with utmost respect, and I try to learn from that how things ought to be.

The way you describe yourself as having been treated is just awful - I endorse all those other posts that suggest you need to give your partner an ultimatum: back me against those hidebound ignorant parents of yours or I'm off!

Don't put up with such abuse from your ILs. Please!

HazleNutt · 15/09/2014 10:50

Fuck the car seat. It was not some kind of massive favour to you, it was something they bought for their own son's child. And even if they did some kind of massive persona favour to you, it still does not justify them treating you like a slave and a dog.

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