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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being annoyed at in-laws and OH?

93 replies

Kellaree · 14/09/2014 18:57

My partner's parents are visiting us (though they are staying in a hotel) and my OH only gave me 12 hours notice that they were coming! Whereas he had known for over 2 weeks!

In-laws showed up on Friday afternoon expecting a cooked meal but due to not knowing they were coming I hadn't budgeted to include them in the meal plan so didn't cook for them. They were annoyed at me so OH said I would cook for them on Saturday night except I couldn't because I didn't get home from work until 7:30pm! Again they were annoyed and so they told me that on Sunday (today) they were going to take DS and OH to the beach and I would stay at home and cook and clean!

Like I didn't even have a choice if I wanted to go or not! I did want to go to the beach but in-laws insisted I stay and cook dinner. So off they went to the beach and I spent 3.5 hours cooking a roast dinner only for them to come home late and not even say thank you after they ate it.

Then after dinner I washed and cleaned up with no help (and I did ask). When I was finally done I went and sat on the sofa only for them to tell me to sit on the floor like I am a bloody dog because they & OH wanted to relax on the sofa. We only have one large corner sofa, no armchairs because we can't fit them in the room but OH could have sat on the floor instead but no, he wanted to sit next to his mummy on the sofa and I had to get off and sit on the floor. We have a booth/bench table in the dining room so no chairs to bring in to sit on.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like they treat me like some sort of maid and being annoyed?

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 14/09/2014 19:17

Wow.

Why do you feel you can't say anything / stand up for yourself?

I agree, that whilst your ILs sound like entitled rude fuckers, your OH is the one you have the biggest problem with.

I have ample car seats - I would have been glad to give you one for free. Just because they have bought a car seat does not give them the right to behave towards you in that manner.

ColdCottage · 14/09/2014 19:17

Wow really wow ShockShockShockShock

That behaviour is a disgrace and I'm shocked that your OH went along with them. I'd find this unforgivable.

Why did you let them bully you in your own home. I know it must have been hard with them all on at you.

I would write to you in laws explaining how you didn't know they were coming and about your job meaning you were late home Saturday. I would also explain how they made you feel and why you were so hurt. Don't use blame words as this makes people feel defensive, whereas if you just say how you feel they should feel sympathy.

Hopefully this will make them realise how badly they behaved.

Speak up next time and suggest that you go out to eat so no one is slaving for anyone else.

Thanks
honeysucklejasmine · 14/09/2014 19:17

Oh my gosh! "maid" is too generous a term!

I would be having serious words with my oh if i were you.

JetsAndSugar · 14/09/2014 19:18

If you stop being a doormat, they will stop treating you like a doormat. It really is that simple.

There might be a lot of conflict, shouting, bitching, huffing, puffing, sulking, whining, etc etc.

So what?

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 14/09/2014 19:18

Tell them to fuck off. Sort this out now or it will continue for years to come.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/09/2014 19:19

I'd rather save up for a car seat than be treated like crap.

TeamEdward · 14/09/2014 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heels99 · 14/09/2014 19:21

Why did you give in to their demands?\why didn't dh cook? All sounds ridiculous! They all sound dreadful inc your husband

notagainffffffffs · 14/09/2014 19:22

Right. Yes the three of them are dicks but, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, you are the biggest dick here for taking it! Come on now, do not allow yourself to be treated like a dog in your own home, by your own family. Lady up.

Branleuse · 14/09/2014 19:22

well you are a doormat arent you.

PicandMinx · 14/09/2014 19:25
Hmm
AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 19:27

Cultural differences here - go on - what have you married into? oh no, except you arent married are you? Just go and leave him to it!

ILovePud · 14/09/2014 19:28

Hope you don't feel got at OP, I think we're all just shocked, I disagree that this isn't worth the fight, if you don't try to address this behaviour it will continue and what message is this sending to your son about the role of women? JetsAndSugar is right, they can't make you do these things, you could have chosen to go to the beach and they can't make you sit on the floor, choose not to take this anymore and choose not to give in to whatever hissy fits they throw. Flowers

Vicky5910 · 14/09/2014 19:31

You need some new boundaries here. Explain to your DP they went too far and you've realised you need to be firmer. Start with something you will not negotiate on, such as you decide when they visit as you need more notice than he gives you. You could also say they are too rude about meals so you will not cook for them again. If they want to come to your home, they will follow your rules.
Add more rules over time if you feel like they are needed.
They may say they feel unwanted and refuse to come, and then you can count your blessings! Or tell DP it is his problem to fix not yours if they have a strop. They probably will strop as they are used to you giving in to their demands.
Cool, detached, clear rules, and a firm hand. Like training a puppy. (Albeit one you've let crap on you too many times already)
If your DP has managed to become a genuinely decent man after being raised by those asshats he is doing better than most...

hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 19:36

Leave the whole bunch of bastards far behind OP. If he was in any way a decent OH, he would have insisted on taking the floor and told your IL to stfu and respect his wife or leave.

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 14/09/2014 19:38

The right response to anything they said to you would have been, "Hahahahahahahahahaha, oh right not a joke then? Ok, well off you fuck then you cheeky fuckers".

ILovePud · 14/09/2014 20:03

I'm curious as to why them buying the car seat made you feel like they had the right to behave the way they did, they bought it for their grandchild and why should you be more indebted to them for this rather than your OH? You said you couldn't take a stand about this because no one would be on your side, presumably you mean no one out of your IL and OH, I hope this thread has shown you that most neutral people would be on your side. It's horrible to feel like no one's on your side and I'm wondering whether you have a friend who you can get a bit of moral support from?

Original poster
Kellaree · 14/09/2014 20:06

Well, I am a bit pleased that other people think their behaviour is shocking and I know everyone is right that I need to stand up for myself. That can be quite daunting though, can't it? I am such a people-pleaser, I hate conflict. I don't want to make the relationshit between me and in-laws any more strained but I do want to stop being a doormat.

OH is really great, normally. He pulls his weight with housework and all that other stuff and we are equals in every way but as soon as his parents are around he becomes a complete child who must do everything mummy and daddy says. So, yeah, we'll be chatting about that.

Thank god in-laws only visit 3-4 times a year!

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 14/09/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 20:08

Is he incapable of cooking?

What's with him ordering you to cook meals for them?

He is your problem more than they are.

You do this, you do that. Yes sir no sir three bags full sir. Tug forelock.

Maybe your talk should include the fact you aren't his cook and housekeeper and nor are you his personal chef and he doesn't get to order meals for people. If he wants someone to have a meal, he has the option of cooking it himself.

MrsPiggie · 14/09/2014 20:09

I wouldn't object to sitting on the floor, but no-one, including DH, tells me what to do in my own home, as if I was a skivvy. That's outrageous.

maddening · 14/09/2014 20:09

Just say to oh " never let your parents treat me like that again and I would think twice before inviting your parents without informing me, oh and we share the cooking responsibilities going forward, I am not interested in discussions about it but you were all out of order - do not expect me to put up with it again and I will never be ordered to stay home to cook or clean by you or your mummy again"

Spadequeen · 14/09/2014 20:10

You were completely unreasonable to stay behind and cook for them! Easier said than done i know, but the more you let them treat you like this, the more they will do it.

And your dh is a knob for allowing them to behave like this.

I would be a raising hell right now if I were you. How dare he and how dare they.

Original poster
Kellaree · 14/09/2014 20:11

I hate being indebted to anyone and it makes me feel... uncomfortable to accept such expensive things from them, even something necessary and important like a car seat that we wouldn't have normally been able to afford without saving for a while. Of course I said thank you and I am very grateful and I appreciate that they did that for us but I feel like I have to make it up to them in other ways, like taking their crap and cooking dinner for them. Which I know is stupid but I can't help it.

Ah, I don't really have any friends or family which is another reason I don't want to worsen the already fragile relationship I have with in-laws.

OP posts:
SquirrelWearingATrilby · 14/09/2014 20:12

I had 2 words that I used on my ex-MIL that worked a treat.

"Fuck" and "Off". Sometimes prefixed with the conversational "You Can" but generally just the basic.

It worked.

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