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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being annoyed at in-laws and OH?

93 replies

Kellaree · 14/09/2014 18:57

My partner's parents are visiting us (though they are staying in a hotel) and my OH only gave me 12 hours notice that they were coming! Whereas he had known for over 2 weeks!

In-laws showed up on Friday afternoon expecting a cooked meal but due to not knowing they were coming I hadn't budgeted to include them in the meal plan so didn't cook for them. They were annoyed at me so OH said I would cook for them on Saturday night except I couldn't because I didn't get home from work until 7:30pm! Again they were annoyed and so they told me that on Sunday (today) they were going to take DS and OH to the beach and I would stay at home and cook and clean!

Like I didn't even have a choice if I wanted to go or not! I did want to go to the beach but in-laws insisted I stay and cook dinner. So off they went to the beach and I spent 3.5 hours cooking a roast dinner only for them to come home late and not even say thank you after they ate it.

Then after dinner I washed and cleaned up with no help (and I did ask). When I was finally done I went and sat on the sofa only for them to tell me to sit on the floor like I am a bloody dog because they & OH wanted to relax on the sofa. We only have one large corner sofa, no armchairs because we can't fit them in the room but OH could have sat on the floor instead but no, he wanted to sit next to his mummy on the sofa and I had to get off and sit on the floor. We have a booth/bench table in the dining room so no chairs to bring in to sit on.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like they treat me like some sort of maid and being annoyed?

OP posts:
ILovePud · 14/09/2014 20:12

Good luck with it, if OH is normally great then hopefully he'll see how unreasonable they and he have been and want to protect you from this in the future. Ultimately though you can't make him step up and stop being an inconsiderate and/or spineless when his parents are over but you can choose not to take anymore ridiculous orders from them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please others but not those that treat you like thisBrew

morerogermore · 14/09/2014 20:13

How much younger than him are you?
This sounds like a really weird relationship.

scallopsrgreat · 14/09/2014 20:20

As others have said your problem is your 'D'H. You keep saying he's great yet he basically threw you to the wolves this weekend and more importantly will not acknowledge a problem and doesn't think he didn anything wrong. He really isn't that great is he? And I bet there are other aspects of the relationship where he shows his true colours too.

steff13 · 14/09/2014 20:20

Well, I think you were unreasonable to stay home and cook and clean, when you could have read a book, had a nap, and ordered a pizza.

Other than that, though, they're being ridiculous. Is your partner really that great when his parents aren't around? That's quite an about-face from being generally good to a giant douchebag.

scallopsrgreat · 14/09/2014 20:23

So they bought you a car seat and now you have to sit on the floor as recompense? That is so fucked up! Really it is.

How long are you expected to be paying back this loan (of a relatively small amount) with manual labour and insults?

Seriously, this is abusive.

ILovePud · 14/09/2014 20:23

Normal grandparents not expect their grandchild's mother (not father I see WTF) to be indebted to them for buying a car seat. At the moment it may seem like you can't help feeling like you have to take their crap but you can change this, if this is a longstanding pattern and you feel can't do this alone maybe going to the GP and getting a counselling referral would help or seeing whether local sure start services or womens' centres offer counselling or assertiveness/self esteem programmes. Sorry to hear you haven't got much in the way of family or friends to support you at present but this situation can change, certainly the friends part. If you actively seek opportunities to meet new people and forge friendships I think it would help you feel stronger. Good luck.

Whereisegg · 14/09/2014 20:25

This is so sad Flowers

TracyBarlow · 14/09/2014 20:28

I still don't understand why, if your H is so bloody marvellous and 'pulls his weight, he hadn't already made them a meal while you were at work till 7 fucking 30. Surely he didn't then expect you to cook for everyone.

The ILs are a side issue. Your H is the real problem here.

UncleT · 14/09/2014 20:34

Fuck right off to the lot of them.

gamerchick · 14/09/2014 20:35

Your husband is the problem and you need to grow some stones.

Look up an assertiveness course and see it through. I would have honest to god said fuck the fuck off many times to them.

Chippednailvarnish · 14/09/2014 20:38

Which I know is stupid but I can't help it

You can help it, you are choosing not to.

hamptoncourt · 14/09/2014 20:44

YABU to accept all this shit.

You are allowing them to treat abominably. People can only treat you as badly as you let them OP.

Either you stand up for yourself or face a lifetime of this abuse.

What would DH say if you told PILS to fuck off when they tell you you are to stay home and cook and clean?

This would be LTB territory for many of us I think.

LilacCroc · 14/09/2014 20:53

It's not often I trot out 'LTB' on here, but really, that is the first thing I thought of.

Some people are disrespectful, rude, horrendous wankers. If your IL's are, you can't really control that, you can only react the best way possible to their wankiness.

The whole arriving with no notice, dh promising the IL's a meal without checking with you, them getting annoyed after being told they're having a cooked meal twice and then not...all 'understandable', just annoying. I could get past that (after a serious chat with dh)

The being TOLD by your inlaws you were not allowed to go to the beach and MUST stay home to cook and clean...and them making you sit on the floor...I only hope you are a wind-up merchant.

I don't care that they're his parents, I wouldn't care if it was the flipping Queen of Sheba over for dinner...if ANYONE treated me like that, I wouldn't even get a chance to respond because DH would get in first and tell them to fuck off, on my behalf.

The fact that your DH has not done that speaks volumes, and that IMO is the main problem here. Does he not see you as a proper part of his family? What it says to me is that actually, he couldn't give a fuck about you, as long as he has his precious parents and his dc. That's really harsh, and i'm sorry, but that's how it sounds to me.

Seriously (may actually be the first time I've ever said it), LTB.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 14/09/2014 21:01

Your OH is the real problem here.

How can you even look at him without wanting to smash his face in?... And as for sharing a bed with hum, well my skin would be fucking crawling.

What a gobshite.

LilacCroc · 14/09/2014 21:02

The expectation that his dw will cook a meal I actually don't really see as a problem, as such (except the thoughtlessness of not telling her before hand).

If we were having anyone over for dinner I would assume, and 'expect' that dh would cook. I cook when I must - when he's in work, dc's dinners etc. But I don't enjoy it and I don't exactly have a flair. When we're both at home, it's him that cooks, almost without exception. I do 'expect' him to do it now, we've had ten years of him doing it, and I don't particularly fall over myself with gratitude as the cooking, mutually, is his job.

Just like dh would never think to clean the bathroom himself, because he hates it and has barely done it in ten years. It's my job, always has been, and I actually don't mind...i'd much rather scrub the toilet than cook a meal. He'd think nothing of saying to me 'the bath could do with a scrub mind', expecting i'll clean it, the same as i'd say to him 'Sam's coming over for dinner on Friday, I said we would eat at 8', expecting he'll cook the food.

It's just a pattern of responsibilities we've fallen into, which I think happens in most relationships.

lem73 · 14/09/2014 21:11

Omg I could have written that post. I have had similar experiences to you with my in laws - except they stay in our house for two weeks.
The situation with my dh is a bit different. I feel sorry for him because they are very demanding of him and frankly guilt trip because he dared to move away for work
I used to make a great deal of effort when they would visit but I got so sick of their bad manners so I basically treated them as they deserved.
If you can't sit in your own living room f%#k it, don't feel obliged to. My in laws used to sprawl on the sofa and I'd have to sit on the floor or get a dining chair. So I started to go sit in my room and watch tv or do some ironing. My dh got the hint and if he is around he tells them to move for me. If he's at work, I won't sit there if they expect me to sit on the floor.
I told my dh in no uncertain terms I could not do all the housework, cooking and work while his parents are staying. So now when they are staying he agrees with them on a rota where we eat out and they pay, he cooks and he gets his mum to cook.
Another thing they'd do would be to buy cakes or biscuits and share them with all the family but not me (mil would hide them) So I did the same back. I know it's childish please don't judge me.
They still act like they own the house and leave without saying goodbye or thank you but training myself not to fall over myself to be hospitable makes it bearable. More importantly making sure my dh knows I'm not going to take it has helped.

FrancesNiadova · 14/09/2014 21:19

Your DP agreed with Mummy: that you should SIT ON THE FLOOR after cooking a full roast dinner whilst they were at the beach?
You didn't cook the other days because you didn't know that they were coming & you were at work, providing for his your child & he didn't think to cook or get a takeaway in?
WTF? DP needs to wake up & smell the coffee that you've probably made for him if not, tell him straight & let him read this thread.

MESSAGE TO OP' S DP: HOW DARE YOU MAKE THE WOMAN WHO SHARES YOUR BED, HAS YOUR CHILD & PREPARES YOUR MEALS GROVEL ON THE FLOOR, TO PLEASE SOME POWER GAME THAT YOUR MOTHER IS PLAYING. IF YOU REALLY DO LOVE HER AND YOUR FAMILY, PUT HER & Not YOUR MUMMY FIRST.

Hope this helps op Thanks

PersonOfInterest · 14/09/2014 21:20

Do you want to be treated like this every time they visit (4 times a year sounds like a lot to me!)?

Stop allowing them to treat you like a dog. Or it will go on forever. Don't cook, don't sit on the floor - go in your room and read a book. I'm Shock at it all.

Veritata · 14/09/2014 22:19

Is this a cultural thing? My mind is boggling at how anyone can think it in any way acceptable to order an adult woman to cook for them or to sit on the floor to make way for her husband.

HSMMaCM · 14/09/2014 22:41

Next time he gives you 12 hrs notice, grab the dc and go out and stay at a hotel til they leave.

2rebecca · 14/09/2014 23:11

It all sounds very silly to me. No way would anyone be telling me when and what I cook.
If you choose to stay in a relationship where you are treated like this that's up to you but I don't understand why you chose to marry and live with a bloke with these attitudes.
Moaning about it on mumsnet is pointless.
We aren't living in the 1950s.
Car seats are fairly cheap. Family isn't important if they treat you like a maid. You'd be better without them and your spineless husband.

Bugsylugs · 14/09/2014 23:21

Kind IL's would be annoyed with DH for not telling you and would have suggested cooking take away or mel out as you were working late.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 14/09/2014 23:30

Tell them that Cinderella was a fucking fairy tale!

JetsAndSugar · 14/09/2014 23:41

Why don't you have any friends or family?

Inertia · 15/09/2014 00:00

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I would be taking DS to the beach myself, and cooking for me and DS only.

Your OH is not really great at all. He treats you like some kind of cross between the housemaid and the family pet.

You do not have to put up with this crap. Stop accepting their help so that you don't feel indebted.