To worry about giving daughter this money ?

[4seasons]

Daughter has good job but does not earn enough to buy a house in London .... who does ? She has decided to buy a house elsewhere that allows her to travel into London for work . She feels the need to get on the property ladder and stop paying high rents to someone else . She has asked us to " help" with the deposit . No problem with that, always intended to help her and we have inherited some money recently ( not masses I might add ) . The problem is she has a history of getting through money like there is no tomorrow! She received an inheritance of about £40,000 a few years ago which has " disappeared " . Also she received about £25,000 voluntary redundancy a year or so ago . We have no idea if any of this money from the redundancy remains . Originally she said she was going to put it into savings but we don't know if she did . She is very touchy about her finances being discussed and as she is mid thirties I can understand that having your parents quiz you isn't great . We don't by the way ... quiz her I mean .

Am I being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable about just " handing over " this cash with no strings attached ? My husband just says we should " sign the cheque" and have done with it . He's never been money - mad or grabby .I suppose I am concerned that we will never again receive a nice sum of money as an inheritance and also that we have no way of knowing if we will need money in the future .... for our nursing homes !! Also , I feel that if she really wants a home of her own ( she is single by the way ) then perhaps she should share some of the financial " pain " .... if that makes sense. This is not an inconsiderable amount of money ...£27,000. We have both worked hard all our lives and until very recently never been given a penny by anyone else , nor expected it . I feel really terrible even asking for your opinions because I know I shall give it to her eventually because I want her to be happy and secure. Your thoughts please ?

I wouldn't be helping her sorry, she has had more than enough money pass by her to fund herself getting on the property ladder but now that you have some spare cash she wants your "help"!
My parents have always had the rule that they don't give to one what they cant give to all of us. I would be upset at one of my siblings getting given an amount like that unless it was ring fenced and remained yours at all times no matter what she did with the property, in other words this is not a loan but an investment for you with a clear contract drawn up with regards to the money and any benefits you may gain from any future sales.

No I wouldnt.

She had £65,000 in the last 4 years and yet needs you to pay her deposit? No, sorry not in my world. She had a choice whether to save it or blow it and she spunked it all preferring to rely on "Bank of Mum and Dad". She is taking the piss and you are a fool if you let her.

I'm shocked at the amount of money she has had, but still no deposit.

I would not give hr a penny until she shows you how she has spent that money.
I would ask for a budget plan.
If she has a wardrobe full of gadgets or designer bags and shoes, or just loads of stuff, I would suggest she think about selling some of them
I would want to see at least 6 months evidence of her saving some money toward her deposit. Its hard, no holidays, clothes, less going out.

She has shown no respect for money so far, and now she expects to be loaned/given some more?! Entitled, much.

I feel really terrible even asking for your opinions because I know I shall give it to her eventually because I want her to be happy and secure.

Yes, we want that but if you ignore her questionable approach to money, she may end up losing her home and your money!

Oh well, you reap what you sow I suppose!

A £25,000 redundancy payment suggests either very long service, in which case she should be old enough to have figured out how to handle the money and get her own deposit, or she's in a high paying job that is willing to give that to an employee with a fairly short history, in which case she's earning a big enough wage to sort out her own deposit.

Ask her the following:

What does the property cost?
How much deposit does she have to put down?
What percentage of the mortgage cost is it?
How much does she need from her parents to secure the required deposit?
Is she prepared to sign up to a tenants in common agreement so that you retain ownership of the deposit amount?

Ask yourself the following:
Is this the entirety of your recent inheritance?
What else would you do with the money if your children do not need a cash injection?
Are you really treating your children fairly? Your son's "wealthy wife" is neither here nor there.

How much deposit does she need? What proportion is she contributing versus your contribution? Could she contribute more and you less? Would a good compromise be you give her some if the money - say 15k and she saves/finds the rest? You then have nearly half of your money to enjoy?

She paid off her student loan with the £65,000 (although there was presumably a healthy balance left over).
Her brother had private education paid for, when she didn't, and was also supported in several expensive hobbies.
It's so difficult OP to treat DC completely fairly, but maybe she's feeling resentful about this?

Just seen your updates.

My sister is just like your dd, she never did as well academically and also failed the entrance test. My parents have spent years bailing her out. Eventually they bought her half a house, she managed it for a year before it became too much ( got sacked) then my patents bought it back from Her and sold it on. They lost tens of thousands in the process.
They are now ( two years later) buying her another house, she now has a job again.

They enable her to be feckless and useless, I can only think its down to her being less bright and them feeling guilty over it. Do I feel resentful? Yes, I resent that they don't make her grow up and be responsible. She's got a new car every two years, iPhone, all the trimmings and they fund it all. She will never be a responsible adult with this teenage attitude. They clearly want her to have the same lifestyle as us, but she doesn't have to work for it?!

As people have been good enough to respond to my postings I thought I would update a little .
I think that paying for our son to go to a fee paying school and allowing him to follow a sport which he enjoys and is extremely good at hardly qualifies for the description " having money thrown at him " ! He still plays the sport at a high level and the school he went to ensured that he got good qualifications . This has meant that he has a good job and isn't reliant on us for financial help.. so, a good investment for us I think !

Also, I don't think I've mentioned the fact that our DD has never .. . and I really mean never... complained about any cash that has been spent on our son or indeed on his family .This wasn't just the school fees, sports fees etc. but other expenses related to his marriage and family ..... the usual stuff, contributions to the wedding, wedding present, housewarming gifts, prams for the grand kids when they were babies and so on . As she is single and has no children we have had none of these expenses for her so far.

She worked very hard at school , got good results , graduated and has worked like a dog to get the job she has now, long hours , going abroad at a moments notice and lots of responsibility .She earns a good salary but hardly the fortune that others working in London get. She certainly has no chance of being able to afford to buy a home in London itself.

I also described her as " open - handed " .. .. meaning generous to others .... not just stretching out her hand for our cash !! She is generous and caring in other respects too, and not just to us . When my DH recently had an accident she took several days holiday leave to come home and help me to cope . This was without my asking . In fact she said she did it that way because she knew I would tell her not to waste her holiday entitlement . Our son , on the other hand , arrived a couple of weeks later with a bunch of flowers , when all the hard work was done !!

I suppose I am telling you all this because I don't want people ( even people I don't know !) to think badly of her just because she has been pretty useless as regards money in the past . Yes, I AM concerned about handing over more cash , particularly as we are getting older and don't work any more. But, I would feel worse if I didn't think I had helped her to buy a home of her own . She too is getting older ( and hopefully more sensible ) and obviously feels the need to put down some roots after years of rented and shared flats .

I am sorry this missive is so long but I wanted to explain the situation in more detail so that you could see why I am so torn about the cash situation. But at the end of the day we shall give her the money and hope that she will be happy and settled in her own home . No amount of new shoes or spa weekends away for me would give me the same pleasure of seeing that happen.On the other hand , given your advice , I am attaching some provisos to giving her the money to ensure that it is only used for the buying of property.

I forgot to say that being classed with the " socially mobile and wealthy " had me in hysterics . If only !!!

Could you not 'rent' the house to her? She contributes what she can and you make up the rest, but she pays you monthly? Houses in commutable areas ain't cheap and she needs to understand this, she is a grown woman after all. That way, you are helping her, but she is taking responsibility and will eventually own outright anyway

Could you not 'rent' the house to her? She contributes what she can and you make up the rest, but she pays you monthly? Houses in commutable areas ain't cheap and she needs to understand this, she is a grown woman after all. That way, you are helping her, but she is taking responsibility and will eventually own outright anyway

the school he went to ensured that he got good qualifications
Er no - he would have still had to work for this and if he plays sport at a high level, he probably has to work hard at that too.

By all means give her the cash with or without restrictions, but I would sit down with your son and outline why you feel obliged to gift this sort of sum, and look very carefully at his response. You may wish to add a co-dicil to your wills to say that your DD has 27 deducted from any share of inherited cash/equity should there be any.

Before you give her the cash please ask to see her last 3 months bank statements and proof of savings. It's easy to say you can afford something haven't frittered a fortune away.... Then prove it. If she does then give her the money. If she doesn't you would be throwing your money away!!!

If your daughter is angling for this money, then it's something she's come to expect. To be looked after. I can't understand parents who do this for their kids. Or kids that ask. My parents are wealthy. I know there will be a big inheritance. But I haven't had a penny off them since leaving home almost 20 years ago. It is simply pride. My brother on the other hand...

I'm guessing the OP has posted as a way of working through what is in her head, and seeing if she was missing anything glaringly obvious, or something a bit more subtle that she should also consider.

OP, I don't think your daughter sounds bad, it's quite easy to spend money living in an expensive city.

Also, you need to treat your children as fairly as each other, that does not necessarily mean that everything has to be equal, because as you have pointed out, their lives are totally different.

You give a lot of your time to your DS, and he had lots of money spent on him when he was younger. Your DD didn't have that money spent on her, and she has no real need for the 'time' so helping her with her deposit would be a really positive thing to do, and would be 'fair', as THAT is a situation that she needs help with.

But do look into it. An interest free loan is a good idea, but you should give some sort of a time limit on it. Say after 5 years then 10% should be paid back, if she sells the flat and buys something else a small portion should be repaid etc. Otherwise when you need it the most you won't have it, and it may be the worst time for her to pay it all back. Much better if she has the expectation of partial repayments over a number of years.

Just on the point about treating children equally:

I think it's fair enough to give your daughter extra now to balance out the extra your DS has had in the past.

However I think it's very risky, and very unfair, to give your daughter extra on the basis that your DS and his wife have no money worries, nor are they ever likely to have any.

First, you don't know what might happen to your DS and his wife. They might split up. One of them could need expensive medical treatment or daily care. The faact they are well off now doesn't mean they always will be.

Second, this is effectively rewarding bad financial management. You're saying "DD has lived outside her means, so we'll give her more, but DS has kept within his (larger) means, so we won't." Sounds like neither of your children has exactly been on the breadline so I don't see why you'd feel the need to top up your DD's earnings but not your DS's.

By the by - if you hand over money as a loan rather than a gift, many mortgage providers will not accept it as part of the deposit.

Also has she got a mortgage in place. Mortgage lenders now want to see at least the last 3 months bank statements to show that there is spare money for when the interest rate rises. Every purchase and cash withdrawal will be questioned. If she is buying non essentials then she might not get a mortgage so won't need your £27000

yes but you are not borrowing money off your mother!

I think you're doing the right thing in attaching conditions to the money (PROPER conditions, like paying it direct or having your name on the property, not just a vague promise from her).

She does sound like a nice girl with all the coming home to help you etc. but it is also true that she HAS pissed that other money away. I am in my twenties and I live in London. I don't make big City money but I can afford my lifestyle, rent in a reasonable part of London and put some money aside to save every month. Most of my friends are the same. London IS expensive, certainly to buy, but it doesn't justify constantly overspending your salary. I have been able to live comfortably in London on £25k (now earn a bit more than that though). Trust me.