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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about giving daughter this money ?

127 replies

4seasons · 14/09/2014 17:06

Daughter has good job but does not earn enough to buy a house in London .... who does ? She has decided to buy a house elsewhere that allows her to travel into London for work . She feels the need to get on the property ladder and stop paying high rents to someone else . She has asked us to " help" with the deposit . No problem with that, always intended to help her and we have inherited some money recently ( not masses I might add ) . The problem is she has a history of getting through money like there is no tomorrow! She received an inheritance of about £40,000 a few years ago which has " disappeared " . Also she received about £25,000 voluntary redundancy a year or so ago . We have no idea if any of this money from the redundancy remains . Originally she said she was going to put it into savings but we don't know if she did . She is very touchy about her finances being discussed and as she is mid thirties I can understand that having your parents quiz you isn't great . We don't by the way ... quiz her I mean .

Am I being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable about just " handing over " this cash with no strings attached ? My husband just says we should " sign the cheque" and have done with it . He's never been money - mad or grabby .I suppose I am concerned that we will never again receive a nice sum of money as an inheritance and also that we have no way of knowing if we will need money in the future .... for our nursing homes !! Also , I feel that if she really wants a home of her own ( she is single by the way ) then perhaps she should share some of the financial " pain " .... if that makes sense. This is not an inconsiderable amount of money ...£27,000. We have both worked hard all our lives and until very recently never been given a penny by anyone else , nor expected it . I feel really terrible even asking for your opinions because I know I shall give it to her eventually because I want her to be happy and secure. Your thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 18:10

It's your money, not hers.

She has no right to it.

Tell her to bugger off!

You will never help to create an independent adult while you bail her out like a kid.

Exactly how much of your money is enough?

Before you know it, you'll have sold your own home and be living in a rented flat so that sponging daughter can have every penny.

YakInAMac · 14/09/2014 18:12

I'm not quite sure what the main focus of your concern is. Is it that you might actually needed this money yourselves in later life, or that your dd might misuse or squander this in the same way as her last windfalls went , or that in principle, handing over money doesn't teach people it's value .

If you are not secure for your retirement and future, do not hand over this money.

If I were taking a significant sum from my parents I would expect to be able to re-assure them , by demonstrating a rough budget, that I could manage the re payments. And I would pay it straight to the solicitor or mortgage co. with an agreement that if the sale falls through and she changes her mind the money comes back to you !

You worry that people need to take responsibility for financial 'pain' to learn about it and value it: they don't learn that by being given money that they can just fling around with no strings either !

She is a lucky woman and has a great opportunity to invest your generosity in a home and an asset.

kittensinmittens · 14/09/2014 18:12

But she also paid off debt with the 40k.

LosBreakingBad · 14/09/2014 18:12

I think I am probably about the same age as you and your husband. I have three children who are just trying to get on the property ladder. I would do anything to help make their life easier.
But, I wouldn't give them the money in the circumstances you have described. She has had two lump sums that she used for other things ( responsibly or otherwise).. IMO she cannot now turn round and say that she's decided that her latest project is to get on the housing ladder. She would have been aware of the need for a large deposit in the future when she chose to spend all that money on other things.
I also think that if you bail her out now she will continue to be flakey with money and may well have problems with the responsibility of a mortgage.

Finally, that is your inheritance, it's not so huge that you will have much to spare if you help your daughter. I do firmly believe that it is your chance to do what your daughter has done in the past, be a bit frivolous with it. Grin

pengymum · 14/09/2014 18:13

If you decide to loan her the money and she has not accounted for the £65k, put a legal charge on house so that in event it is sold/remortgaged, the money is repayable. Otherwise there's nothing to stop her remortgaging to release equity and frittering it away.
Of course, if she has accounted for the money to your satisfaction & you want to give it to her without strings, that is your choice.

outer · 14/09/2014 18:19

kittens money spent travelling is NEVER pissed away!! Smile

But I wouldn't arrive back and then demand another £27k off my parents for a house.

Optimist1 · 14/09/2014 18:23

I hope she realises how fortunate she is having parents willing to help her out on this occasion? Of course, I know nothing about your financial position, but would stress that you should agree a payment schedule for the zero-percent loan and ask you to consider how many more pay cheques you and your DH have got to look forward to before retirement (a sobering thought!).

ajandjjmum · 14/09/2014 18:25

Good to see she paid off her student loan with her inheritance - that could have been quite a sum. Of course - there's still possibly £30/40,000 unexplained. Smile

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 14/09/2014 18:30

I just can't imagine ASKING my parents for money in my thirties, house deposit or no house deposit. My parents have generously offered help in the past which I have accepted, I'm not talking thousands though, nothing like, but I wouldn't dreamt of asking them had they not offered, they have worked hard and it's their money to spend, not mine!

Of course I would love to be able to offer to help my DCs when I could, like my parents did, but it wouldn't expect them to be asking me at that age.

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2014 18:47

She has pissed it away, kittens. If she needed her salary topped up by a freebie 65 grand just to cover her expenses then she's living way beyond her means and appears to have no concept of how to do otherwise.
London is expensive, but you still have to live on what you earn...

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 14/09/2014 18:54

Iv not read much of the thread so excuse me if it's been mentioned.

My gp's gave my uncle (their son) 10or 20k (can't remember which one)

The deal they set out with him was it is your "living" inheritance and they changed their will accordingly. That left the other dc's the house and he wouldn't have got anything from that.

If he had frittered it away then it was up to him but there would be no more coming to him.

I don't know if you could say to her part/all of this money is above

I mean it may not work as I don't know if you have any other dc or your other financial circumstances etc.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 14/09/2014 18:56

I personally have never ever asked for money since I left home even when Iv been down to just a few pence!

Iv also never had 65k to just fritter which by the way would have almost bought a whole house!

Viviennemary · 14/09/2014 18:59

If your DD has a history of being not very responsible with money then I'm afraid I wouldn't be handing over any money at all. I would buy her some furniture for her new house. But a substantial sum for a deposit absolutely not under the circumstances.

m0therofdragons · 14/09/2014 18:59

Could you offer to match her so she puts half the deposit down and you do the other half? That way she can prove she's making an effort?

Lifesalemon · 14/09/2014 19:26

OP, you say she isn't spoiled but your husband saying you should just sign the cheque and have done with it suggests otherwise. You also ended your post saying you know you will give it to her anyway. She probably knows this too. I'm sorry if I have got the wrong impression of her but from that she does sound to me like she is a little 'spoiled'

MrsMarcJacobs · 14/09/2014 19:41

Wow, so once she gets your money she will have had 82k. A friend of mine who's father was very wealthy offered to help with money for a flat but would only do so after she saved 10k of her own money to show she was responsible. I think that's a great idea.

MrsMarcJacobs · 14/09/2014 19:42

Oops, I mean 92k :) - even more!

Orangeisthenewbanana · 14/09/2014 19:49

It sounds like she is a bit too used to getting bailed out by the Bank of Mum and (mostly!) Dad. She has come into a significant amount of money over the last few years and is still asking you to give her what must be the majority of a house deposit. It sounds very much like she is wanting a London lifestyle that she can no longer afford because she wasn't particularly savvy with her choices previously.

She is an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for the poor decisions it sounds like she has made in the past with her finances. If she cannot afford a deposit now because she failed to put the money aside for it when it was available .... well that's sort of tough shit. She either needs to knuckle down and save more so she is meeting you a bit more in the middle, or possibly rethink where she is looking to buy so it's somewhere she can afford rather than maybe where she wants.

She sounds spoilt frankly. I would be ashamed to ask my parents for that amount of money. Think what you and your DH could do with it in your retirement! It could mean the difference between living comfortably or struggling. Do you have other children? Could you do the same for them if they asked? Sadly, your DD is never going to take responsibility for her life if you constantly bail her out.

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2014 19:50

Your second post is a bit Hmm, op. You're "planning" to ask her what happened to her redundancy money; while fully expecting to be told to take a hike...

From a girl who is happy to ask you to hand her 27 thousand quid, and you still insist isn't spoiled?
Sorry, but she is. And you're far too soft.

MeridianB · 14/09/2014 20:09

4seasons, for what it's worth... if you do decide to lend her this money or invest in her property then you/she may need to discuss it with her mortgage provider first to see if they are happy to lend on that basis - I think they will want to ensure that you are not just going to pull your money out and dent the affordability of the loan for her or push her into negative equity.

If you give her the money then the mortgage company will probably ask you to sign something saying you have no interest in the property. I think it's because they don't like anyone else (non-owner/mortgagee) having a claim on the property.

There will probably be some anti-money laundering checks, too. I'm sure the conveyancer can advise or a mortgage adviser if there are any lurking here.

maddening · 14/09/2014 20:12

Say when she is ready for the deposit funds you will write the cheque to her solicitor.

maddening · 14/09/2014 20:14

Ps yes you will need to sign documentation - all to do with if you were to die or go bankrupt within a certain period and the money were clawed back to the estate.

maddening · 14/09/2014 20:16

Ps am mid thirties - I would only dare ask my dps for a loan on which I would expect to pay interest at a rate that they would earn as savings.

ecosln · 14/09/2014 20:19

Hi op, Its your money so i think you should to what you feel is right although i cant help but wonder where 65k has gone, if not on a property. a possible scenario to consider though is a loan. I was helped by my parents with a considerable deposit but to shelter their money (for reasons specific to our family) was given an interest free loan not a gift. it is repayable to them when i sell the property and after the mortgage. Not that my parents have any intention to request it back but it keeps it in our family should I die or divorce! When purchasing, my purchasing solicitor drew this up for us as he deemed no conflict of interest. It was not costly or time consuming. They are also mentioned on the land registry behind the mortgage so all above board. They did transfer it into my bank but only near exchange date. I personally wouldn't tf to your dd unless purchase is near to exchange. Good luck

Orangeisthenewbanana · 14/09/2014 20:21

I look at it this way, if your DD had been living in a dingy bedsit for the last 10 years, scrimping and saving every last penny for a deposit and yet screwed over by ever increasing property prices I would say you giving her the money was a lovely idea.

But she hasn't. She's got pretty much nothing left from money it would take most people 2-3 years to earn that she came into by sheer good luck. She hasn't earned your generosity.