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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hide in the bathroom while DP's brother comes over?

83 replies

Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 11:44

Of course I'm being unreasonable. You will tell me so, and I am accepting of that.

But, it is still bloody Sunday morning. DP's brother texts ten mins ago to tell us he is on the way over to use the computer (they don't have a PC, so tend to come by once a fortnight or so to sort some essentials online/using Word). He's also bringing his sons, aged 4 and 6.

I told DP I would go and have my bath whilst they were here. This is because:

a) It's Sunday morning, I'm not dressed yet. It's my day off, and I am in no mind to receive guests at five mins' notice in my dressing gown with unwashed hair and remnants of mascara round my face (out last night);

b) I love our nephews, but DP's brother ignores them while he comes over. They are little boys who are into everything, but we keep no toys in the house. This is problematic because we live in a one-bed flat the size of a postage stamp (seriously, my best friend's living room is bigger than our whole flat), so the boys quickly become restless, but DP's brother will ignore the boys whilst he and DP chat computers and such, so I am left to try and amuse them with some colouring books whilst trying to contain them in such a small space;

c) I'm a teacher. I spend all week disclipling others' children. It's Sunday after the first week back. I am not at all up to it.

So I am scheduling my bath for when they arrive, because I just don't want to deal this morning.

Obviously, IABU. But someone please tell me I am HUMAN to feel such a way about being the assumed children's entertainer in my own non-child-proofed home with five minutes' notice on a Sunday morning?! (After a wine or two last night...)

OP posts:
PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 14/09/2014 13:02

Yanbu. MIL does this. Turns up to use our computer and printer ink because although she has a tablet it doesn't do everything she wants it for printing reams of shite.

And she brings her kids, usually about 5 minutes before Ds's bedtime so they wind him up until he's hyper. She also likes to turn up just as dh gets home in the evening so I can't talk to him until she's gone, which can take hours. I don't offer drinks and if I can get away with hiding upstairs then I do. By that time in the evening I want to walk around semi dressed, relaxing. Not entertaining kids, shouting at ds, fixing printers etc.

Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:03

Obviously, adorable, if irritating, on the part of two small children who just wanted to see me (I am their oft-proclaimed favourite), and I am sorry not to have seen them, but I was both refusing to pander to BIL's wishes for a babysitter, and also very much NAKED! (won't someone think of the children?! It it NOT a pretty sight)

So, they played outside the bathroom door. This included fingers under the doorframe, and trying to peak in around the gap/through the keyhole. Harmless on their part, fucking annoying for me.

I asked them to leave, then when they persisted, I texted DP to come to the bathroom. I told him (in my iciest tones reserved for Year 9, though perhaps slightly ruined by my shaving my legs at the same time) that in no uncertain terms, he was to ensure everybody left me alone, and that we would be having words later.

DP proceeded to remove them, and all left a few minutes later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:10

After they'd gone, DP apologised profusely (I am now sat on the couch with my apology cup of tea and lunch whilst he cleans the bathroom!). The house itself is not a state. They're not actually destructive (there's very little for them to destroy), just "into everything" as kids their age will be. DP has hoovered up crumbs from their snack, and was careful to make sure they didn't play with our chess set (only valuable!), or my "teacher boxes".

Unfortunately, TV could not be put on for them (TV screen is also the computer screen, it doubles up), and brother brought no toys.

DP and I talked (I was extremely angry), and we have agreed that, especially now I am back at school (and have a new leadership role this year= more stress, though very enjoyable), brother will be told that visits with the children are a no-go, and that more notice must be given for visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:16

With regards the PC thing, it is a favour we do for them. They have internet and tablets, but no printer, etc. They don't have access to these things at work. DP is a wiz with technology, and his PC is his pride and joy (sad), so they would see through it being "broken down". They live round the corner from the library, and PCs are relatively cheap (or free) nowadays, so DP has agreed to speak to his brother and remind them of these things.

It's not an excuse to visit. DP, though he gets along with his DB, is not "mates" with him.

BIL and SIL work shifts, and share the childcare between the two of them, so there is rarely a moment when one of them is either working or has the children, IYSWIM. So visiting after the kids are in bed is not an option, as the other parent is on nightshift by that point. We actually do them the favour of the bedtime routine at least once per week if their shifts don't match up.

OP posts:
hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 13:18

Taking the piss big time, next time BIL comes around have your brother make it clear that you are doing them a favor and either he comes alone or he parents his own children.

PlumpPartridge · 14/09/2014 13:18

Good for you!

Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:19

So, DP has promised to speak to his brother, I intend to speak to him along the lines of, "You can't bring the children again until you are prepared to supervise them. Your lack of this today was unacceptable."

OP posts:
Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:20

Next job, can Mumsnet help me mediate what I say? I'm sending a text as I want to be measured in my response. Also, because BIL doesn't do "talking on the phone"... and I'm certainly not visiting them over this!

OP posts:
hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 13:25

Don't send a text, let your husband do all the communication with his side of the family. Only respond if he texts you.

Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 13:40

And now DP's mother is coming over two hours early... why am I marrying in to this family?!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2014 13:43

"I'm sending a text as I want to be measured in my response."
Are you sure that measured is the way to go? He sounds thick-skinned, sometimes ripping someone a new one is best in the long run.

hamptoncourt · 14/09/2014 13:44

He has to call her and say No, we are going out and won't be back until Xpm. Make him DO IT NOW

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 13:44

Can't your DP tell her you are out until the agreed time? How he allows his family to treat you and your home should be addressed before marriage, it isn't going to get any better after!

WalkingThePlank · 14/09/2014 13:47

Next time, couldn't you say you are working on the computer?

Why not buy them a printer for Christmas?

ilovesooty · 14/09/2014 13:48

You need to put boundaries in place. Fast.

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 13:49

Your DP should handle communication with his family or they can just blame you for interfering or being controlling. Trust me, I learned this the hard way with my ex, you would like to think everyone can communicate as adults but they can't. They need to know this is a joint position, represented by your partner, rather than just dismiss it as trying to come between them. Your partner needs to tell his family that it is not convenient for them to announce they are coming over unexpectedly or early, they need to ask and then stick to the agreed time. He should also tell his brother either not to bring the children round or to supervise them if he does, whichever works for both of you. He could offer to help his brother find a computer or printer since he's good with computers, this is helpful but would reduce their dependence on you.

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 13:49

*my ex and his family

Maidupmum · 14/09/2014 13:51

Buy them a printer for Christmas!

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/09/2014 13:56

I was going to suggest that you were noble and took the little boys to a nearby park, then I saw that you are a teacher.
LOCK THE DOOR AND HAVE YOUR BATH, with all the papers.
Why can't their mother hold on to them while father comes?

vrocket · 14/09/2014 14:04

YADNBU, I HATE people showing up unannounced, or with very little notice, I think it's the height of rudeness.
At least your DP is supportive though, mind would tell me to 'relax' about ot, or something equally infuriating.
As others have said, let him deal with his family, as you will be blamed for being interfering.
On another note, he could clearly see DP asking the kids to move from the door, so why on earth wouldn't he have taken the hint?
Some people astound me Hmm

hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 14:15

Your husband needs to learn the word 'no'. No you can't come over ealy, it's not convenient.' No you can't bring kids over and expect us to parent for you.'

I'd go and have another, more relaxing bath.

ChelsyHandy · 14/09/2014 16:21

YANBU OP, I couldn't bear that. Is your DP's brother actually looking to get out of sole care of his DCs do you think?

Its so cheap and easy to get printers. I am awful at that sort of thing, but on Thursday evening, drove myself to the electronics store, bought my printer, took it home in a box, set it up, installed the drivers, and by some miracle, it all works - printer, scanner and photocopier. It cost £40 and I can't think why I didn't get a new printer sooner.

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 16:35

Do not text the BIL. You will then be the bad guy, your DP has to do it but before then he can call his mother and say she needs to stick to the pre-arranged time.

Original poster
Iffy2014 · 14/09/2014 18:28

Right, all familial visits over for the day! I didn't mind DP's mum too much, she's no bother, and I knew she was coming over anyway, DP and I just collapsed into hysterical laughter when she rang, because we'd just got over the morning's debacle.

I don't usually mind people popping by too much. We live in a rural location surrounded by both our families, it's tradition to be living in one another's pockets round here, as it were. My own immediate family (parents, two aunties and grandparents) have actually removed their garden boundaries as their four cottages are all in a row. What I do mind is visiting parents who don't parent their children effectively...

I've refrained from texting the BIL yet, but I'm still very much tempted to. I just don't feel like DP is going to get the message across strongly enough.

OP posts:
Dieu · 14/09/2014 19:34

I'd feel a bit of an oddball being in the bath when they arrive, particularly when your flat is that small. Will you talk to the kids through the bathroom door?! It's not what I would do, but to each their own.

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