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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about sil? i think i am

66 replies

heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:02

I should start by saying that I have a problem with being assertive and protecting my boundaries but am really really working on this and getting better at work, with friends etc etc.

As a result i have quite an indirect communication style which involves a lot of 'feeling my way' before asking direct questions, such as 'would you like to do something'. i have a real problem with communicatng with my sil as a result who is much more direct and blunt and i dont think its really in a 'no nonsnsense' sort of way - frankly it strikes me as that she wants something and has an attitude of 'dont ask dont get' - but she gets very upset, quite visibly if she is told no, or rejected etc. Over the years I have found it now very difficult to be asked directly by her to do things in the future at inconvenient times, when i find myself saying - ummm yes sounds ok - like a complete pushover. which i am, really. but it makes me really angry with myself and as a result i have certainly become defensive and sensitized to her. I certainly dont like how i feel trampled on quite alot - i.e. I feel as though she simply will always ask for more than i can give. I realised that i have chosen friends on the basis that they we communicate indirectly and quite cautiously so no direct rebuttals or refusals need to be made. Sil completely upsets my apple cart in that respect.

On this occassion, she has been going through a rough time with some building work which has gone wrong. i do feel sorry for her and my dh cares very much about her, and i know that seeing her us would be nice for her. i told her directly that weekends were really tricky at the moment but could she come up during the week, as she often has flexible days off work i know she loves to see her db, my dh and my ds - I am not sure if itmatters that much if I am around, which I do understand and I don't mind.

So last wedsnesday, i got a text saying 'can i come over on sunday?' and that's it. this puts me in a spin. i immediately feel guilty and as though i need to answer right away (madness i know) so i do. i say yes its ok, but i am really struggling at the moment (im 7 months pregnant) and this was supposed to be a chores weekend - please dont come before 1.30 . i apologised for being inflexible. she replied fine. This will then give me time to sort the house out, for us to start doing the shelves etc etc. It also feels like I just want her to respect the time i have given her and arrive at it, which is what i think is just simple common courtesy.

she then calls dh todya and says she is arriving at 12.40., but that she wants to walk from the station, ie arrive about 1pm. i was incensed and exploded saying why cant she just respect my boundaries?? dh is totally fucked off with me for being horrible about his sister and cant believe im mkaing such a fuss over half an hour. aibu? thank you for reading and not being too harsh btw. buttons are clearly being pressed in this situation and i need to try and work it out.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 13/09/2014 20:10

I think you're being too inflexible about this. She's catching a train, so can't pick and choose her arrival time. She can't really kill half an hour at the station before walking, or drag the walk out to more than twice the time it will take. Why do you think 30 minutes will make a huge difference to your morning's cleaning efforts?

ilovepowerhoop · 13/09/2014 20:12

sounds like a bit of an over-reaction. If you didnt want her to come over you shouldnt have said yes

lunar1 · 13/09/2014 20:13

She is getting public transport, you really need to be more flexible.

Original poster
heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:14

There is a train that arrives at 1.30 which we would usually pick her up from.

OP posts:
Pensionerpeep · 13/09/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 13/09/2014 20:16

Still, what difference will 30 minutes make? Get up 30 minutes earlier?

amyhamster · 13/09/2014 20:16

will your dh be there? I'm not sure why she texts you and not him?

Andrewofgg · 13/09/2014 20:16

Is there anywhere she can get a coffee on a Sunday between you and the station? If there is tell her do and say you have the day planned and can't cope with her sooner than you said.

If not, then what ShatnersBassoon said.

ilovepowerhoop · 13/09/2014 20:16

you have advance notice, what is the problem?

gentlehoney · 13/09/2014 20:17

Yes you are unreasonable. She is your sister in law for goodness sake. You want her to stand in the street while you tidy up?

What the Hell happened to putting other people's feelings before your own?

Original poster
heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:17

As I say I do find it difficult as I often feel I'm being asked to give more than I can in terms of time. I wouldn't choose her as a friend,no, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I dislike her tbh.

OP posts:
Liara · 13/09/2014 20:17

How frequent are the trains?

You could just ask her to take a later train, or you could say to your dh that maybe he can meet her at the station and they can go somewhere for a couple of hours to leave you to have a bit of peace and quiet in the house.

She is checking after all, not just announcing she is going to do it. You will just have to learn to say no when you want to, it's too much to ask her to learn to guess what she is supposed to interpret from what you aren't saying. She hasn't chosen you as a SIL either, after all. She is probably finding it as difficult to fathom you as you are to handle her.

Letthemtalk · 13/09/2014 20:18

If you were picking her up you'd need to be ready to go before 1.30 any way? Yabu, half an hour early is nothing.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2014 20:18

It's half an hour yabu

JustSpeakSense · 13/09/2014 20:18

I think in this instance YABU but, I understand why you feel she doesn't respect your boundaries and this is perhaps why you have 'overreacted' a bit now.

I think you're going to have to 'suck it up' this time, but continue to try to be assertive with her in the future. Good luck!

Original poster
heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:18

I haven't remotely suggested she would stand in the street.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 13/09/2014 20:19

It sounds like she is bearing the brunt for your inability to say no. So yes, I think YABU.

seasavage · 13/09/2014 20:19

She's DH's sister? She could chip in if she arrives early? Make teas for you? Run a hoover round. She wants company/ support. You need a rest.
I realise you're not entirely comfortable but DH really has a bit of responsibilty to her as brother (if I read that correctly).

FlossyMoo · 13/09/2014 20:20

I think you have overreacted OP...a lot. It is one thing to be assertive and protect your boundaries it is another to explode for the sake of 30 minutes.

It will be a very unpleasant visit for all unless you let this go. I would imagine that if you have already gone off on one & your DH is pissed off at you then the atmosphere tomorrow is going to be awful.

Original poster
heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:20

Thanks just.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 13/09/2014 20:20

I think if my DP were trying to control/limit when my sister came to visit, I'd be seriously pissed off.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2014 20:21

Btw your pregnant your allowed to be a little unreasonable. How about a compromise if sending dh to meet her and take her for a coffee or send dc to and take her to the park

Floggingmolly · 13/09/2014 20:22

Yabu. Why is it imperative that you "do the shelves", etc. before she arrives? It's 30 minutes, you can't seriously imagine she's going to walk the streets instead of going straight to her db's house.

YellowTulips · 13/09/2014 20:23

I'm guessing this isn't really about 30 mins is it?

The reason you are upset is you didn't really want her to visit at all.

Getting upset after you have already agreed to the visit and being petty about timing really doesn't cast you in a good light.

You need to start putting your foot down at the point it matters ie a text to say "really sorry but we have plans for Sunday - what about next week?" Or "we has planned to do a lot of DIY in Sunday to prepare for the new arrival - happy for you to come if you want to bring a paint brush and screwdriver and help us out, otherwise next week would be better"

Catsmamma · 13/09/2014 20:23

I think being incensed and exploding over a half an hour change is a complete overreaction for the circumstances.

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