about sil? i think i am

[heraldgerald]

I should start by saying that I have a problem with being assertive and protecting my boundaries but am really really working on this and getting better at work, with friends etc etc.

As a result i have quite an indirect communication style which involves a lot of 'feeling my way' before asking direct questions, such as 'would you like to do something'. i have a real problem with communicatng with my sil as a result who is much more direct and blunt and i dont think its really in a 'no nonsnsense' sort of way - frankly it strikes me as that she wants something and has an attitude of 'dont ask dont get' - but she gets very upset, quite visibly if she is told no, or rejected etc. Over the years I have found it now very difficult to be asked directly by her to do things in the future at inconvenient times, when i find myself saying - ummm yes sounds ok - like a complete pushover. which i am, really. but it makes me really angry with myself and as a result i have certainly become defensive and sensitized to her. I certainly dont like how i feel trampled on quite alot - i.e. I feel as though she simply will always ask for more than i can give. I realised that i have chosen friends on the basis that they we communicate indirectly and quite cautiously so no direct rebuttals or refusals need to be made. Sil completely upsets my apple cart in that respect.

On this occassion, she has been going through a rough time with some building work which has gone wrong. i do feel sorry for her and my dh cares very much about her, and i know that seeing her us would be nice for her. i told her directly that weekends were really tricky at the moment but could she come up during the week, as she often has flexible days off work i know she loves to see her db, my dh and my ds - I am not sure if itmatters that much if I am around, which I do understand and I don't mind.

So last wedsnesday, i got a text saying 'can i come over on sunday?' and that's it. this puts me in a spin. i immediately feel guilty and as though i need to answer right away (madness i know) so i do. i say yes its ok, but i am really struggling at the moment (im 7 months pregnant) and this was supposed to be a chores weekend - please dont come before 1.30 . i apologised for being inflexible. she replied fine. This will then give me time to sort the house out, for us to start doing the shelves etc etc. It also feels like I just want her to respect the time i have given her and arrive at it, which is what i think is just simple common courtesy.

she then calls dh todya and says she is arriving at 12.40., but that she wants to walk from the station, ie arrive about 1pm. i was incensed and exploded saying why cant she just respect my boundaries?? dh is totally fucked off with me for being horrible about his sister and cant believe im mkaing such a fuss over half an hour. aibu? thank you for reading and not being too harsh btw. buttons are clearly being pressed in this situation and i need to try and work it out.

I have never at any point remotely suggested she walks the streets.

If she'd suddenly rocked up at 9am after you'd specifically asked her to come after 1.30, i'd say yanbu.

But it's half an hour. I mean, come on...you 'exploded'? Hardly makes her the bitch SIL from hell.

I find her difficult. I feel taken advantage of by her over lots of things. It is not ideal. I find that she often ignores boundaries that I try to put around myself, my time and my space. It's not about 30 mins it's about those things really. But yes I am bu, I do accept that.

It's become about the time, and appears to be nitpicking over half an hour, when in fact the underlying problem is that you asked her to come during the week and now she's coming on Sunday. It's a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to get a lot more assertive in future and say that no, sorry, x isn't convenient but we could do y. For this occasion, it's probably best to get DH up and organised so that everything is done before she comes. Pick the bigger fight, not this one. But I do understand how you feel :)

I can see why this tipped you over the edge, probably partly because you are cross with yourself for not saying 'No' in the first place, but you are being unreasonable.

However I'm a firm believer that someone who is close enough to invite themselves is close enough to fit in with your plans. So make her a cup of tea when she arrives then get on with whatever you had planned. She can chat to DH whilst she helps him put up shelves or take DS to the park. You never know it might be that she would prefer to be treated as part of the family rather than a formal visitor.

Sorry, some stuff got chopped in an edit there about how there seems to be a history of boundaries not being respected, but because you've let the big things go in the past DH can't understand why you're bothered about this.

Thanks inertia that was really helpful to read. I hadn't thought of it that way.

Yes you definitely overreacted, your poor DH. You make sound being a direct sort of person is a bad thing. It's not, and I quite like people like that who are clear about themselves.
You having difficulties is really not a problem of your SIL or your DH and you should not be exploding at anyone over that.

As an isolated incident - yes it is unreasonable to expect her to wander round for half an hour just because her train gets in early. But this isn't an isolated incident is it? I think you are feeling angry because you are fed up of your needs being sacrificed to meet hers and every time this happens in any way - big or small - it brings those feelings of frustration back again. You feel that you asserted yourself on this occasion and now you're disappointed because she's taken control of events again and you're compromising again and unfairly being seen as the unreasonable one because it's causing you to be stressed.

I think maybe you envy her ability to get what she wants a little because it's something you struggle with. It's just a fact of life unfortunately that it's not always those who deserve it that always get their way - it's those who have the balls to just say what they want. Perhaps you just need to look at every situation where you feel like this and work out what you could have done to make life easier for yourself. On this occasion I think if you'd simply been honest with her and said next weekend would be better then you might be happier now.

Try not just to see her as someone you're competing against but someone you can learn a little bit from too.

Shelby that is exactly the trouble- I do not feel close enough to her for her to invite herself. And she really isn't the pitch in, get involved kind of visitor. She would be disappointed and upset.

I completely understand my parents repeatedly stamped over my boundaries and in the end I exploded.

Are you able to talk to your dh about how you feel about your need for boundaries around your SIL because she is so direct and whilst the half an hour itself isn't a big deal it's the principle that it FEELS like whenever you do compromise etc. she changes the goal posts further still?

Thank you not so for taking the time to write that- some of what you say rings true but I don't like the way she goes about getting what she wants- she inevitably doesn't get it from other people because frankly most people do not like being bossed about. I do genuinely care about her and her relationship with dh and would like to work out how to learn from this so I don't find it so upsetting.

Thanks for your understanding random that's exactly the same as me. I have tried to talk to dh and thought he understood but understandably, he finds my reaction disproportionate and upsetting.

Thanks for all replies. Off to cook tomorrow's lunch

I'll try not to slip any arsenic in

Perhaps in a few days when things have settled talk to him about it again, also that it isn't personal to your SIL anyone else with a similar personality you would find very difficult to cope with.

You're 7 months pregnant- I think he needs to make some allowances for slightly heightened reactions on your part :)

Think I might be tempted to text SIL and say it's fine for her to come a bit earlier because she can help DH put the shelves up, regardless of whether she actually will or not :)

And seriously, you don't need to be bossy or aggressive- just assertive. Your needs are no less important than anyone else's just because you don't shout people down. You can be polite yet firm- I'd let this issue go, but try it next time :)

So she's a bit disappointed & upset if you don't all sit around entertaining her - so what, let her be annoyed. You say 'I'm so sorry! Weekends are really busy, perhaps you could come mid-week next time', if she really doesn't like it maybe she won't turn up so often......

On the other hand you could just leave her to DH to entertain and go for a pregnancy induced nap for the afternoon or if you'd rather get on with chores then blame uncontrollable nesting . Practise some phrases to stop her pushing you about if you can't say no directly eg 'I'm not sure, I'll let you know.'

haven't read the whole thread but I think some posters have missed the point of what you were saying.

I agree with notso and inertia that actually this has sod all to do with the being half hour early it's about the fact she asked a question and you gave an answer that she has blatantly ignored. and for that yanbu.

I think you probably need to sit down with your dh and explain what this is actually about and ask him for his support. she might be his sister but you are his wife and he needs to remember that.

I think you're actually very self aware and I admire your ability to see situations and people as they really are. I didn't mean you should emulate her bossiness - just that you should perhaps see the potential benefits that could come from being honest and direct. In your own way not hers.

I do sympathise with your feelings - I am in a slightly similar situation and always end up being the villain because I explode and sil's selfishness ends up being the lesser evil. I think in my childhood I often felt powerless against more powerful personalities which often left me feeling as if my feelings didn't matter and I formed a lifelong habit of surrendering to others then sulking about it. Perhaps if you look back on your life you might be able to understand why you find assertiveness a struggle and why certain people spark strong feelings in you.

If someone says "please don't arrive before " then you do not arrive before that time. Half an hour or five minutes, you do not arrive before that time. It's just good manners. Imo being early is just as rude as being late in examples like this anyway, same with parties.

She could have stopped for a coffee before walking to yours, made sure she arrived on time. But as others have said I can tell there's much more of an issue at play here than her arriving half an hour early... Clash of personalities.

Iv not read the whole thread but I think what your annoyed about is this

She has form always pushing just a bit more than you want so in this circumstance you've told her not a weekend, she wants Sunday so you've said yes (even though you didn't want a weekend visit) on condition it's after 1.30. She then makes it 1 pm

So the reality is the two things you've asked have been ignored she got a weekend and before 1.30! Whereas your needs have been ignored.

To you it's not about half an hour it's about her taking the piss out of the only two things you've asked just because it suits her better (never mind what you want)

Am I right?

To you it's taken a lot just to put these stipulations down in the first place (being non confrontational) and having them ignored makes you feel ignored and your needs/wishes sidelined.

There's a saying I once heard to describe people like your SIL - "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." I.e., the person who complains/says what she wants often gets it. The trouble is, because they often do get their own way by asking for it, frequently without having to make a huge amount of fuss, they don't realise that someone else might be seething with anger but unable to assert themselves. I am like your SIL - if I want something a certain way, I ask for it, and nearly always get it. I used to think that if anyone had objections to what I suggested or requested, they'd just say so, because in the same situation, I would just say if something didn't suit me.

It took me many years to understand that some people can't do that easily, and that just because they agree to something, it doesn't mean they do want to do it. Your SIL probably just thinks you'll object if you don't like one of her suggestions, and can't understand why you often agree to something, then later are clearly unhappy about it. She does need to understand that you find it hard to assert yourself, but I think you need to stand up for yourself more in the future, even though that's hard for you. She hasn't been unreasonable by asking to come round on Sunday - I really think you were for agreeing to it when you had other plans.

If she shows up 'early' I'd put a broom, hoover, hammer, dustbin, whatever in her hands and say 'thanks for coming early to help with the chores'.

Yes, I know people like this who will always push whatever you say. You could guarentee that if you said any day except Monday, Monday would be the only day they can meet, and not before 7, they can't possibly consider not arriving at 6:30.
I don't think they realise it, it's almost a habit.
My df used to do something similar, and eventually dm said to him "I won't say when I want because they'll always be a reason why that is the only option". He objected strongly, so dm said (eg) 4:00. He promptly said "Oh 4:00 is too late, we'll do it at..... "
He rarely did it again.

It is a matter of control though. Df likes to be in control of things like that, but he also likes everyone to think he's reasonable, hence the asking for your opinion, and he wants ultimately for you to agree that he's right for his reasons.

Thanks all for supportive posts . scrambled you are spot on. It's the crux of the matter really... And I also think it's bad manners to planturn up before the stated time, thanks poolo for validating me there
wheresthe I just sat down with dh, took him a beer and an ice cream as a peace offering, and explained it like that. We're ok.
not so it's all about my mum really. I kind of know that but it's hard to always make the links.
carmine thank you, I do think there is a strong element of what you say. My dh always says what you say about it. But she doesn't like it When I disagree or say no.... I don't know why that is .

Thanks all for helping x except the twats who I needed a shot filter for