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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about sil? i think i am

66 replies

heraldgerald · 13/09/2014 20:02

I should start by saying that I have a problem with being assertive and protecting my boundaries but am really really working on this and getting better at work, with friends etc etc.

As a result i have quite an indirect communication style which involves a lot of 'feeling my way' before asking direct questions, such as 'would you like to do something'. i have a real problem with communicatng with my sil as a result who is much more direct and blunt and i dont think its really in a 'no nonsnsense' sort of way - frankly it strikes me as that she wants something and has an attitude of 'dont ask dont get' - but she gets very upset, quite visibly if she is told no, or rejected etc. Over the years I have found it now very difficult to be asked directly by her to do things in the future at inconvenient times, when i find myself saying - ummm yes sounds ok - like a complete pushover. which i am, really. but it makes me really angry with myself and as a result i have certainly become defensive and sensitized to her. I certainly dont like how i feel trampled on quite alot - i.e. I feel as though she simply will always ask for more than i can give. I realised that i have chosen friends on the basis that they we communicate indirectly and quite cautiously so no direct rebuttals or refusals need to be made. Sil completely upsets my apple cart in that respect.

On this occassion, she has been going through a rough time with some building work which has gone wrong. i do feel sorry for her and my dh cares very much about her, and i know that seeing her us would be nice for her. i told her directly that weekends were really tricky at the moment but could she come up during the week, as she often has flexible days off work i know she loves to see her db, my dh and my ds - I am not sure if itmatters that much if I am around, which I do understand and I don't mind.

So last wedsnesday, i got a text saying 'can i come over on sunday?' and that's it. this puts me in a spin. i immediately feel guilty and as though i need to answer right away (madness i know) so i do. i say yes its ok, but i am really struggling at the moment (im 7 months pregnant) and this was supposed to be a chores weekend - please dont come before 1.30 . i apologised for being inflexible. she replied fine. This will then give me time to sort the house out, for us to start doing the shelves etc etc. It also feels like I just want her to respect the time i have given her and arrive at it, which is what i think is just simple common courtesy.

she then calls dh todya and says she is arriving at 12.40., but that she wants to walk from the station, ie arrive about 1pm. i was incensed and exploded saying why cant she just respect my boundaries?? dh is totally fucked off with me for being horrible about his sister and cant believe im mkaing such a fuss over half an hour. aibu? thank you for reading and not being too harsh btw. buttons are clearly being pressed in this situation and i need to try and work it out.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 13/09/2014 22:30

glad you have talked to dh hun!

I find myself in a similar situation with someone I know who insists om pushing the boundaries and ignoring my requirements at the moment so I fully understand how infuriating it is!

I also struggle with being assertive in rl but do find it much easier on text or email as a result of posting on mn I think your first plan of attack is to consciously walk away when she texts you and wait a few minutes to complete pose yourself before replying, then send the reply you want to send instead of the one you are pressured into sending. and learn to repeat key phrases like "no sorry that doesn't work for me" and "can I get back to you shortly I don't have my diary handy" for any occasions where she phones

hope it isn't too awful tomorrow

CarmineRose1978 · 13/09/2014 22:36

herald it's because she's spoiled! Either because she's used to getting her own way in general, or with you in particular. Think of her as a naughty puppy, you need to train her and ignore her whining. :) So always be firm even if she's obviously angry and make sure your DH backs you up. Any weakening or back peddling on your part, and she'll just push harder to get what she wants. (I'm saying this as someone who used to act like her all the time in my teens!).

grocklebox · 13/09/2014 22:39

you both sound like a whole heap of hard work, to be honest.

zipzap · 13/09/2014 22:54

I'd build on that previous post and say that the phrase that I'm finding most useful at the moment (also being someone who's not good at being assertive but trying to change it!) is to say that 'the date rings a bell for something, I can't remember what. I'll get back to you when I've had a chance to check my diary' and that way you've already built quite a lot of uncertainty into the exchange and it won't be such a big shock if you say sorry, checked my diary and I can't make that day - how does other day sound instead?

YOu don't have to say what you've got in your diary - an extra long nap after a hard week is a valid thing to have in the diary - even more so if you're 7 months pregnant!!

Another phrase is to say 'oh dear, we must have been talking at cross purposes earlier. I'd said the only days I couldn't do were the weekend and no you've suggested Sunday. As I can't do sunday, how about tuesday instead?'

The 'talking at cross purposes' bit gives an out to both sides (I can't claim to have worked this out myself, it was a phrase somebody was explaining the use of in a training course as a great get out in all sorts of tricky situations when you don't want to say 'weren't you listening properly I said I couldn't do Sunday although I bet that's exactly why you chose it' even though you are thinking it, as it allows you to be polite but still keep your original point of view. I find myself using it quite a bit these days!

Discopanda · 13/09/2014 22:58

I think at 7 months pregnant you are allowed to call the shots, hubby can get up half an hour earlier and make a head start on your chores!

MammaTJ · 13/09/2014 23:06

1/2 an hour with that much notice really is not that big a deal. You need to sort yourself out.

feathermucker · 13/09/2014 23:25

You're incensed?! Really?! You need to gain some perspective and perhaps work on your anxieties.

Getting this angry about half an hour is, sorry to say, utterly ridiculous!

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/09/2014 00:32

Would it have been equally convenient for her to arrive at 1.30? For example, you say she arrived at the (rail?) station at 12.40 (but said she would walk so arrive at your home at 1pm).

Would it have been equally possible for her to arrive at the station at 1.10pm, then walk, arriving at your home at your chosen time of 1.30pm?

Do the trains run every half hour?

In any case, I do feel you are B rather U. Earlier you said that you "do not feel close enough to her for her to invite herself" yet according to you Op she didn't invite herself, she asked if she could come on Sunday.

Was your DH due to be in? Presumably she does feel close enough to her brother to ask if she can come over to his (and your) home on a Sunday.

TinyDancingHoofer · 14/09/2014 01:03

So many posters hung up on the half an hour, it's not about the half hour it's about the fact Sil ignored the OP.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 09:28

But she didn't just turn up half an hour early, she asked if that would be okay. I'm sure in her mind that she wasn't ignoring the OP, that was checking whether her proposal was acceptable.

wheresthelight · 14/09/2014 09:44

feathermucker - perhaps come back when you have suffered an anxiety disorder is yiu think getting over it is so bloody easy!!

rtft people

TinyTearsFirstLove · 14/09/2014 09:58

YANBU. She knew the time and the reason why and she should respect that. It's nice to have a tidy home before guests arrive and I would feel stressed if I had 30mins less to tidy, you can get a lot done in that time.

I would say to her 'can you put the kettle on and I'll be with you in a minute'. I would finish the chores before entertaining her to make the point. She had advanced notice and she could have got the train that arrives after 1.30.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 14/09/2014 10:10

yanbu.

You don't have to answer her questions straight away. Send something like 'we are busy then, let me check with dh and get back to you' or similar. Give yourself time to think about what you want and to think how would they react if the shoe was on the other foot.

A direct question warrants a direct answer. I thinks it's OK for her to ask and totally OK for you to say NO.

I'd go out for lunch and take a nap. Dh can entertain his own dsis.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 10:13

your boundaries

This is your husbands sister we are talking about. I assume he resides and co-owns the house with you?

Is he allowed to have boundaries too? Albeit lesser ones for his family

feathermucker · 14/09/2014 10:15

I have suffered severe anxiety disorder actually, which is why I suggested OP work on her anxieties.

Sometimes, it's not always about "there, there"; it's about stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, gaining some perspective, picking your battles and not focusing on the smaller things. I can say that because I've been there and know how hard it is.

I've also RTFT - all of it And my opinion hasn't changed.....at all.

Don't make assumptions

AgentProvocateur · 14/09/2014 10:34

YABU. This is your SIL - ie, your husband's sister? Fair enough to set a strict time for a double glazing salesman, or a tesco delivery, but for family? I'd be really pissed off if I were your DH.

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