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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to "Just put her in a taxi and send her home" DSD, aged 11

149 replies

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 13/09/2014 19:17

Is DP being unreasonable to not allow his DD, aged 11 to travel home from weekend contact in a taxi? DP's XP wanted him to, but he refused and safer transport was arranged. We currently have no car.

It just didn't feel "right" to put her in a taxi alone. Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JillySuper · 13/09/2014 23:28

I have been 'hit on' in the past when travelling home alone in a taxi. I would not be comfortable sending an 11yo alone. My 16 yo dd does occasionally get a taxi home alone but - I'm not comfortable with this. Some taxi drivers are lovely and some are snakes in the grass.

SpaceInvaders · 13/09/2014 23:28

Are you never going to let your children be alone with another adult ever? You can't eliminate all risks.

My children can be with adults they know well and I trust with my life. Random taxi drivers don't stretch into this category.

scaevola · 13/09/2014 23:29

Train companies must vary across the county. In London, the junior Zip Oyster allows unaccompanied travel across entire TFL network and many commuter trains from age 5 (and nearly all London children get the ordinary Zip from age 10).

Not that I'm advocating travel that young, mind you. Just pointing out that it's a matter of carrier policy not law.

I think that once a DC is taking themselves competently to and fom school, they should be able to handle other independent journeys. And being put in licensed cab by one parent, with the other knowing whento expect their return leaves little scope for problems (other than heavy traffic causing hold up or crash, but those could happen regardless who drove).

But if a parent does not think their DC is yet ready for independent travel, then no don't let them. It really does depend on the specific logistics of the journey and the maturity of the child.

hollie84 · 13/09/2014 23:31

How would 11 year olds get a train to school if they can't buy a ticket unaccompanied?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2014 23:31

Exactly space, my children are with adults I know and trust, nit random taxi drivers. This is not isolated, quite a few on here, have been assaulted or hit upon by taxi drivers. Yes there are some lovely ones, but in the same vein some bloody evil ones too. Being in a confined space, with extremly limited means of escape. Noway!

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2014 23:34

I can't remember what mainline company it was. But I would be more happier for my not yet teen to get a local train if they were ready than get into a taxi.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 13/09/2014 23:45

That depends what your question is.

Is it -

'Is DH BU to have arranged transport that he felt was safer even though his ex said a taxi was fine' then YANBU, no you are not unreasonable to do something that you feel is safer.

OR

Is it 'Are we BU to think putting an 11 year old in a taxi is unsafe' ?

That depends. Partly on location, your previous experiences and how comfortable the 11 yo would be.

I don't think it's a case of being reasonable or unreasonable - just another decision you have to make as parents about what YOU are happy with.

irregularegular · 13/09/2014 23:49

Of course 11 yr olds are allowed on a train on their own! My daughter travels to school by train, and sometimes to meet her school friends. She is 12 now but started when she was 11 and in Yr 7.

We have some very nice local taxi drivers who we use for airport journeys and I would be perfectly happy for either of my children to travel with them unaccompanied. On in particular is about 60 and female and I can't imagine her possibly causing any 'embarrassment'. Probably not so happy to just hail a cab off the street and throw them in on their own = but I'm not sure that reluctance is really rationally justified.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2014 23:52

As I said each to they own and all that, but I wouldent.

Anotherchapter · 14/09/2014 00:10

It always amazes me that that some posters - especially on MN, feel completely safe with letting there children be alone and out of reach with complete strangers.

I've been accosted in the street (Piccadilly manchester)by a random stranger- he asked if I wanted to go down an alley way and see his 'big dick' . I didn't hear him at first as we were both at a zebra crossing, so he repeated it. I was 14. Alone in a taxi when I was 12/13 the taxi driver put his hand on my very high up on my thigh while he was driving and asked me for a kiss as I was getting out. I never told my parents as I'd never be able to travel alone to my dad's again.

It does happen and it's foolish to pretend it doesn't. I really don't understand the mentality that all men are safe. They aren't. Have the recent coverage of the 'celebrity Pedophiles ' and Rotherham groomers not opened your eyes and tbh I think it's the tip of the iceberg.

You shouldn't be so trusting with your children.

hollie84 · 14/09/2014 00:13

It does happen, life is full of risks, but you just can't live your life (or limit your children's lives) in fear of small risks.

A child in the back of a licensed, pre-booked taxi going from one parent to the other is more at risk of a car crash than the driver.

hollie84 · 14/09/2014 00:14

In fact they are probably statistically more at risk from a parent or step parent harming them.

Anotherchapter · 14/09/2014 00:21

No hollie you can't but you can do your best to safe guard them and not out them in a vulnerable position.

And your statistics mean jack the NSPCC admit they don't know the real count of children being sexually assaulted/abused as so much goes recorded.

You shouldn't be so flippant on the subject. Maybe you should read the NSPCC website to get a broader veiw.

Anotherchapter · 14/09/2014 00:22

*view

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 00:29

While you protect your children you can, you safeguard them as much as possible, and try not to put them in situations that could cause them harm. I agree chapter, people are being very blase about this.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 00:39

I wouldent let a child of 11, on her own in a taxi. Chikdren with SN often travel to schools by taxi, but always have an escort

Not true all four counties that I work in tend to use escorts if the child's additional needs warrant it with many of the SS runs they do and loads are deemed to not require escorts.

It could be considered to be needed if child is likely to need some type of aid intervention or if the child is considered a risk in the taxi or has an issue about traveling alone as well as many other reasons but loads of them don't use escorts

PiperIsOrange · 14/09/2014 00:55

It amazes me how parents think a DBS/CRB think a child is safe with an adult. They only mean a person has yet to be caught.

I think an 11 year old is more than capable of getting a taxi, the mention of DBS means that you think a taxi driver will do a sex crime against a child or some serious crime. Which would be very rare.

Jenny70 · 14/09/2014 01:03

I have an 11 year old. I think to me it would depend on the length of journey. I would be happy for a short (under 20min) trip, but longer than that it would be awkward and potentially getting stuck in traffic for long time and making them worried.

The safety of my child in a taxi with an unknown adult wouldn't worry me, as long as it was a registered taxi and I took the details etc. My child would sit in the back and probably play on their phone the whole trip.

however · 14/09/2014 01:34

I agree with Jenny. Plus, if they had a phone, they could be talking to me if I was anxious.

Explored · 14/09/2014 08:52

I'm genuinely shocked at the number of people who think this is too dangerous.

So, at 11yo are children never allowed to be alone with another adult? You'd never employ a 121 tutor, music teacher or tennis coach? All DBS checked and risk their job if anything untoward happens (like the taxi driver) but no guarantees. Or is I just working class men who aren't allowed to be alone with DC?

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 09:00

Think about all the SN, PD and vulnerable people carted about in taxis too and from school and hospital everyday.
Oh the horror.

gordyslovesheep · 14/09/2014 09:01

I'm not sure why she would have been alone anyway - surely the OP or her dad could have gone with her?

The OP isn't coming back though so we'll never know

ilovesooty · 14/09/2014 09:04

Someone could have gone with the child and made the return journey if they were that fearful.
I think Explored has a point.
And we still don't know what these "safer" arrangements were.

Hakluyt · 14/09/2014 09:11

How old is old enough to take a taxi alone, then?

We live in the country, and my children have had an emergency taxi fare tucked away in their school bags ever since year 7 in case of transport/communications failure. In a risk assessment comparison between a taxi and a five mile walk along a winding country lane with no street lights, no pavements and fast cars there's no contest.

DramaQueenofHighCs · 14/09/2014 09:21

Thing is you can trust everyone an no one these days. Would I send my 11 yr old in a taxi alone? To be fair I don't really know as my DS is only 5 but if there was an emergency I think I'd send him in a taxi even now. Yes there are risks, of course there are, but there are risks with everything and my view is if we constantly shield our children from these risks then they will never learn about them and be scared of being independant when older. (My best friend was wrapped in cotton wool when younger and is now an EXTREAMLY nervous adult). Of course there are risks but the risks are minor, so so statistically unlikely, that if you're going by 'well the driver might be a paedophile'..... Well let's face it, statistically they're more likely to have a fatal (or at least serious) car crash so I would send them in a vehicle AT ALL no matter who they were with.
Add to that that CRBs are hardly worth the paper they're written on as they only prove people haven't been caught, plus kids are more likely to be abused by people they know..... Nope sorry I trust no-one apart from MYSELF to look after DS! (Because who's to say DH or my family aren't paedos and I just don't know it?) Too much fear nowadays. Of course you have to look after and protect your children and I'd never never put my DS under unnecessary risk but.......... I dunno, I suffer from anxiety disorder and part of my therapy involved thinking things through logically and weighing up risks. (All I have mentioned above is stuff I had to go through with a therapist not long after I had DS as I wouldn't let him out of my sight and it was unhealthy.)

Despite what I've said above however, each parent should decide what they are comfortable doing with their child. If the OP was not comfortable sending an 11 year old alone in a taxi then TWNBU to not do it, especially as an option they were happier with was avaliable.

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