Was I being unreasonable to check that this child was Ok

[PiperRose]

So first I'll come clean and I say I work in Child Protection, which I know will have coloured my judgement on this.

Right. So it's a lovely afternoon and I'm sitting in my living room with the patio doors open. At the side of the house there is a field with a public footpath running down it. I'm happily MNetting and I hear a child screaming, sobbing and shrieking for mummy. I take a look out and see a man with said child who is around 2 over his shoulder marching down the footpath and out if sight. I settle back on my chair putting this down to terrible two's, but something is niggling and the child is still screaming.

So I get up and walk to the the top of the path and see the child is sitting on a step, still screaming and the man has come down to his eye-level and is trying to reason with him. I turn away, relieved that everything is ok and hear the man tell me to 'mind my own business' . I stop and almost say something but think it's better to just leave it.

Now I'm sitting and quite literally fuming over it.

I was using my entire body weight to pin my autistic child to a wall and prevent him from running into the road to photograph a bus

A man actually started having a go at me and telling me to "leave that poor boy alone". He was told sharply to mind his own business and I certainly don't feel bad for it. I was saving that "poor boy" from being knocked over by a bus. People get stressed, they say things they don't mean, it's not a massive deal.

Good that you checked though OP

Daughterdilemma, why does the kid want mummy when daddy is there? Really? My twins scream blue murder in the morning if their dad takes them downstairs and not me. I have to carry the two of them downstairs and they're about 2 and half stone each.
Lots of toddlers prefer their primary carer, and it's not exactly uncommon for that to be the mum. If you're inferring that there's something dodgy going on in that situation... I think you're going to end up suspecting a lot of totally decent fathers.

So hard to find the balance between interfering and being 'community minded'.

I think you found exactly the right mark. Checked the situation but didn't escalate it.

He was embarrassed which made him rude. I hope he feels like a bit of a dick.

it is a bit embarressing as the parent on the end of the questioning. it looked horrendous admittedly as I had ds restrained... and he was screaming blue murder... the alternative would be him running into traffic or really doing serious damage to dd/himself/me/general public during an autistic meltdown brought on by school torturing him with two lots of play practice in the echoey school hall.

Toomuch, I have seen that before in other children of course it's not necessarily an issue, I'm just letting my imagination run amok, watched too many TV dramas.

Don't ever be afraid of 'interfering, being a busybody' or asking questions in a situation like this where you feel uneasy. Remember, Madeleine McCann may have been crying out for her mum when she was carried away from her holiday apartment in Portugal.

I think mummy is a word that just flies out with a cry anyway.
I'd be interested op in what your professional head would tell you if the man was paying the tantrum no attention rather than trying to reason?
I would never reason with my tantruming child I would be curious what you would make of that.
I feel for the man tbh.

Rabbit if he was ignoring the tantrum but still ensuring the child was safe I would have left it as well. I don't make anything of you not trying to reason with your tantrumming child. As long as you are not harming your child I would have no reason to interfere.

Sorry I just realised that I've answered your question like I was the OP, when I first read it I just thought you were addressing everyone.

YWNBU

Daughter, my son usually cries for me if he's upset. If I'm telling him off however, he starts crying for Daddy.

I think you did the right thing, but I also understand the dad feeling defensive.

I have a tantrumming 3yo. She is loud, always has been. IME there's a huge difference between someone just stopping and staring at me and someone looking while giving a reassuring smile. The former makes me feel very judged, the latter makes me feel like the person cares what is happening to me and my child. I have been known to give a cold MYOB stare back to the former if they're staring for a while, although I wouldn't shout it as my focus is only on saying whatever is necessary to my daughter and I'm generally not somebody whose response to stressful situations is to be assertive/aggressive/lash out anyway. Afterwards I'm always aware that any pair of eyes, friendly or not, is better than none, although I still dislike the starers (it is so spectacularly unhelpful!). I'm not saying you were stopping and staring, but for me without a quick smile it can feel like you're being judged, in the heat of the moment when you're angry with yourself and/or your child, feeling embarrassed, panicking about how to deal with it. He may have felt some of that and lashed out.

Keep checking though. It's important that we all do.

Yanbu, while the attention tantrums attract can be mortifying, it's better that people have a second look to make sure that it is a tantruming kid rather than an abducted one.

Dd always sounds like she's being murdered when she tantrums, everyone looks, security guards walk over to have a look, it's so embarrassing but if she was grabbed she'd be kicking up a fuss too and nobody should ignore that possibility. I'd be concerned if people didn't care to pay attention.

TBH nothing untoward was happening, a toddler having a tantrum, father was not beating him. Its very hard to carry a toddler who has thrown himself down and is in effect a dead weight. That could have been me the other day carrying ds screaming in my arms as he just would not move from the pavement. Ds is 2.5 years

The father wasn't that rude. He said mind your own business. Not the insult of the century. He was probably stressed that someone was watching his son in full tantrum stage. I hate it when people stare at me when DS tantrums in public. I once asked a woman if "she would like to take a picture as it would last longer". Not my finest moment but sometimes you don't want people staring at you.

I hate it when people stare when DS is having a tantrum, which they do as he is very loud. I do think that it is more important to protect children though, so if someone is genuinely concerned, of course they should check. A stropping 2 year-old is such a normal thing that I probably wouldn't feel any need to check.

agree its fine to check but children do scream in public mine certainly have gosh i do worry going out with my children with people that would think something is wrong because my kid was screaming

When our dd was little she was incredibly attached to me and if she was upset or crying she would only cry or look for me. One time she and I accompanied dh on a work trip to Toronto and I had been looking after dd a lot while dh worked. One afternoon he suggested I take a a couple of hours for a coffee / browse while he took dd to the park. All good in my mind. Except when I met them at the appointed place and time dd was looking very sheepish and dh was pale and very stressed. It turns out they were walking along and they spotted a man on the street with a parrot and he was getting the bird to do tricks for money. DD was fascinated so they stopped for a while and all was grand until the man put the bird unexepctedly onto dd's shoulder and she freaked out!

She started shreiking and crying to dh took her into the park next door and tried to calm her down. She was screaming 'I want my mummy' over and over. She was about 3yrs old. He was speaking quietly to her trying to calm her and there were a couple of homeless older people sitting on a bench with all their belongings a bit away. They started quizzing dh about why she was looking for her mother and said they were going to get the police! Dh explained to them what had happened and that he was her father. Dd quietened down then and he left with her. But it gave him a terrible shock!

If a man was carrying a screaming child, down a path, by a field - I'd bloody well be checking the child was OK. If he told me to mind my own business I'd tell him I was, that protecting all children is everyone's business.

It's not normally that difficult to determine that it's just a child kicking off and that it is the parent/carer dealing with it.

If I was still worried I would speak to the child, not the adult, to make sure everything was OK - if the adult doesn't like it, tough shit.

If it had been a woman and the kids had been wanting 'daddy'would you have hasd that 'niggling feeling?' I suspect not.That is why the man was pissed off.

I am confused how the the man is crouching down talking to the child immediately reassured you 'that everything is ok?'

My son once kicked off when leaving a fun activity, he was about two. My husband carried him over to his shoulder to the car and was trying to get him in to the car.
Two older ladies were watching the whole thing and you could see them trying to make a decision whether to go over or not. I called over to my husband asking him if he needed any help and reassuring my son that 'mummy and nana would be back in a minute' which put their minds at rest.
I appreciate them looking out for my son, if a stranger ever did take him I would be desperately hoping that someone had decided not to mind their own business.
I would always intervene if I was worried about a child because if it turned out to have been a dangerous situation. I would never have forgiven myself. For that reason I try and ensure I always answer politely if someone is concerned. It has only happened the once so far but I am sure there will be more as my older son is autistic.

My 4yo was tantrumming in the street the other day. She was crying hysterically, hit me and then flung herself to the ground. (I think I had brought the wrong snack when picking her up). A man working in a nearby driveway looked at me very suspiciously and then questioned me about whether she was my daughter. It was a bit odd, and I was a bit surprised, but I didn't resent it. I think it's good if people are concerned for the welfare of a child.

I think we have a duty (but not to jump to assumptions). I never let a parent smack a child in public without making it clear I regard that as morally wrong for example.
I rescued a toddler near a busy road on its own which everyone else was ignoring and took it to a police station.

I was pleased when my children were on a train alone that another passenger told them to be quiet. I presume they were noisy. She said they were using "outdoor voices".

It's good if people are concerned.

It's not normally that difficult to determine that it's just a child kicking off and that it is the parent/carer dealing with it.

But how?

I don't know how anyone would think they can even tell the difference between a tantruming child and one who is actually in need, a tantruming child will always give that impression, they are dramatic, loud, look really distressed.
I think the only way to know is if you saw what kicked the episode off, which of course you wont have if its the noise that alerted you.