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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to check that this child was Ok

80 replies

PiperRose · 13/09/2014 16:55

So first I'll come clean and I say I work in Child Protection, which I know will have coloured my judgement on this.

Right. So it's a lovely afternoon and I'm sitting in my living room with the patio doors open. At the side of the house there is a field with a public footpath running down it. I'm happily MNetting and I hear a child screaming, sobbing and shrieking for mummy. I take a look out and see a man with said child who is around 2 over his shoulder marching down the footpath and out if sight. I settle back on my chair putting this down to terrible two's, but something is niggling and the child is still screaming.

So I get up and walk to the the top of the path and see the child is sitting on a step, still screaming and the man has come down to his eye-level and is trying to reason with him. I turn away, relieved that everything is ok and hear the man tell me to 'mind my own business' . I stop and almost say something but think it's better to just leave it.

Now I'm sitting and quite literally fuming over it.

OP posts:

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 17:19

The red flag for me is why does she want Mummy when Daddy is there? Some kids are just like that but there might have been a reason.

Bakeoffcakes · 13/09/2014 17:21

I did something similar- except I went further and called the police.

My dd and I saw a girl of about 5 screaming and kicking a man, saying I want my mummy. We went over to him and asked if the little girl was ok. He told me to Fuck off, got in his car, with the child and drove off.
My dd(19) took a photo of his car no plate. I was dithering about phoning anyone, thinking it was just a father and child having a tantrum, but dd was adamant.

The police came within a few minutes, one found out where he lived (from the car reg) and went and to see him. It was just a father and child, but he was told that a screaming, kicking child would arise concern and he should be thankful people out there didi take notice. He was also told that he shouldn't have sworn at me.

So I do think you were right to do what you did OP, don't worry about it.

Bakeoffcakes · 13/09/2014 17:22

Excuses all the typos.

icclemunchy · 13/09/2014 17:26

My DD always screams for me if she thinks she's in trouble with daddy and for daddy when she's in trouble with me (or nanny if there's any chance she'll let her off )

You deff did the right thing, although im also not too surprised with his reaction. It's embarrassing when your child kicks off and it makes people lash out if they think they're being judged

SanityClause · 13/09/2014 17:27

Not unreasonable to check the child was okay.

A bit unreasonable to take umbrage at the comment from the father, who was obviously dealing with a stressful situation. I think we've all been there, and you could cut him some slack.

aermingers · 13/09/2014 17:29

To be honest my son's had tantrums where I have been frightened people might think we're kidnapping him he's been so upset. Never been challenged nor has his Dad. But to be honest the way I look at it, touch wood it will never happen, but if my son was kidnapped I would be incredibly grateful for any 'busybody' who might prevent it, and for that reason I would only ever be polite and respectful. People are only ever doing it out of concern not nastiness. So YANBU, you definitely did not deserve to be spoken to like that.

Incidentally there have been occasions when I've been trying to deal with a massive tantrum, a pram and several bags of shopping and some kind souls have come up and helped me, either with the pram or distracting my son from his tantrum while I sort myself out. Sometimes I don't know how I would have coped and might have had to abandon the shopping if people hadn't helped!

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 17:33

I remember seeing a dodgy man in a playground abiut 10 years ago. I hesitated about calling the police but did in the end and they ticked me off for not contacting them sooner, saying he might have been on the sex offenders register.

Owllady · 13/09/2014 17:34

I'm sick of people being so rude and aggressive
You went to check HIS CHILD was okay. How can that ever be wrong
Dick

Owllady · 13/09/2014 17:37

The dad does not have the right to be a rude prick at all
I deal with a teenage child with extremely challenging behaviour and have never felt the need to be rude to anyone
People have been rude to me though
I like to think I am better than that. My family didn't bring me up to behave in a contemptuous way to other human beings.

SweetsForMySweet · 13/09/2014 17:39

You did the right thing Op. It's a pity no one took a moment to act when Jamie Bulger was crying for his mum while being led along by those two boys, it could have turned out very differently if someone had gone with their instincts back then. Better to act and the child be safe than to regret doing nothing later if something happens. Most people would be concerned if they saw a man marching off with a distressed toddler over his shoulder.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:39

Oh, of course he had the right to be rude, he was embarrassed. Given the possible levels of mortification he probably felt, he was quite restrained.

I think you may be holding the human race to impossible standards, there Owllady

Owllady · 13/09/2014 17:40

Really? I doubt it

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:41

Crikey! I shall bow down to your superiority, then!

Owllady · 13/09/2014 17:43

Honestly, try dealing with challenging behaviour day to day. Being confrontational and shouting at others escalates those behaviours in the person you are trying to calm

Embarrassment isn't something I have felt for years :) it's a good job really

fun1nthesun · 13/09/2014 17:44

Some children have tantrums so severe that they endanger themselves. If they bolt into the road they could die. I would think the father had picked up the child to protect it. Who knows how long she had been tantrumming for? I think if you are in a parent in that situation you are automatically judged and anything you do short of calm reasoning is seen as wrong. However, there are times when calm reasoning is also wrong! But that would explain the reaction of the man, he had probably put up with half an hour of screaming and wasn't in the mood for a discussion on parenting techniques!

My dcs are older now, but one would have spectacular tantrums lasting hours at times, and I would just go home and cry. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he wasn't stressed!

Owllady · 13/09/2014 17:46

I'm not at all superior :( I am fed up with people thinking they can behave however they like towards others and upset them. The op went out to check on the child because she cared. We're pretty screwed up if we think someone doing a good thing is a reason to be vile to them. He could of just said nothing, or said he's having an episode. Most people have been there, even old gawping folks

If we all stop caring, what the he'll is going to happen

littledrummergirl · 13/09/2014 17:52

One of mine screamed for me when out with dh when they were little.
Someone challenged dh who although being slightly embarrassed was happy that someone was looking out for our dc.

It happened in his workplace once. The dc was screaming for Mummy while being carried by her Dad. The Mum was frantic as there was a restraining order as he had threatened to abduct her.
That was one very relieved Mummy that Dh had stopped him.

Always check if in doubt.

MrsPiggie · 13/09/2014 17:59

Yanbu. Neither was he, he was probably stressed out enough with a screaming toddler. My DD always screams for daddy when she's having a tantrum, unless daddy is with her in which case she screams for mummy. She also screams "you're hurting me", so we had plenty of strange looks, DH more than me, being a man.

Goldmandra · 13/09/2014 18:06

You did the right thing to check.

He WBVU to be rude. Being stressed about a toddler tantrum is a ridiculous excuse for that sort of rudeness.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 13/09/2014 18:14

when my DS1 was younger and a total utter nightmare DH was out in the car with him and he decided to jump out with no shoes on and run off, DH stopped the car, went after him and bundled him back in to bring him home... 10 mins later police were at the door checking us out, someone had seen DH getting DS into the car and rang so they traced the car numberplate, I was as it was all ok but really happy that someone cared enough to report.

mommy2ash · 13/09/2014 19:05

you did the right thing. if everybody ignored these suspicions who would be around to help children when they need it.

last week there was a little girl about three walking up and down my street which is next to a busy road alone for over 15 minutes. I went out and asked her where her mummy was and she ran away screaming into a garden a good bit down the road and her granny yelled up at me what's wrong with you talking to strange children. I shouted back sorry was just checking she was ok but was really biting my tongue.

my mum wants us to bring my niece on holidays with us. she is 18 months. I joked we would never be allowed out of the country with her cos all she says is no no no no no no no mama nana over and over they will think we are kidnapping her lol

RevoltingPeasant · 13/09/2014 19:06

Hmm I wonder if all the people who are shocked at the man's response are men or women.

Because I'm guessing men experience a lot more suspicion and funny looks than women. Maybe it gets to some of them.

Also, in some of the examples here, the fathers may not have realised you thought their children were in danger. They may have thought you thought they didn't know how to handle their child and were coming over to give them some well meaning advice, which can be very annoying.

Just chill. You could have been right but you were wrong, and you annoyed someone minding his own business and dealing with a difficult situation.

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2014 19:12

Father was probably very stressed by the tantrum if not a little embarrassed. He probably just snapped

ocelot41 · 13/09/2014 19:20

Yanbu. We are each other's keepers and that's how it should be.

I expect it really sucks if you are just a decent dad dealing with a tantrumming child so I am not surprised he was rude to you. But better to be wrong that way, than not do anything and something happen to a child.

LokiBear · 13/09/2014 19:32

I once saw a little boy sobbing on a grass verge at the zoo. I looked around and couldn't see anyone who looked like a parent so asked him if he was alright and where his mummy was. Queue an annoyed woman, who was stood a way off and behind a sign post, saying 'I'm here' and me feeling like a prat. I apologised to the mum although I knew I'd pissed her off. Her little boy was obviously throwing a tantrum and she was waiting it out. I completely understand her being annoyed with me. I did the right thing though and would do it again. Try not to be annoyed. The dad was having a bad day and just snapped at you. Harsh and unwarranted, but understandable.

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