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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd feel if your midwife asked you this question?

240 replies

SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 13/09/2014 05:25

I'm a midwife at a large unit currently going for BFI status and we have been instructed to ask all women regardless of their stated intentions if they want to give their baby a breastfeed.

So even if a woman comes in very clear in their mind that they want to bottle fees and for whatever reason they don't want to breastfeed we have to ignore that and ask them if they will offer a breastfeed instead.

I have had a heated debate with the breastfeeding coordinator as I refuse to do it as I feel it will undermine my relationship with the bottle feeding women I look after.

So if you have made the decision to bottlefeed how would you feel if your midwife ignored that information and instead asked you to give your baby a first breastfeed, would you as the coordinator feels, think that you might have your mind changed or would you think 'that midwife hasn't listened to a word I say' and feel under pressure or made to feel guilty.

I'm prepared to have my mind changed but it just feels so wrong to me!

OP posts:
Whatsonemore · 13/09/2014 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/09/2014 21:47

What do you mean. You're prepared to change your mind. It's your body and no-one midwives or breastfeeding coordinators have the right to force you and nor do you have to go forth with any apologies of explanations.
Your body. Your baby. Your choice.
In answer to your question. I would be fuming.

Original poster
SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 14/09/2014 02:01

Iliveinalighthouse I wanted views from people and if the general consensus was they wouldn't mind being asked or feel that they weren't being listened to then I would be open minded to changing my practice. As it happens there does appear to be ways of asking he question that may be less undermining to the relationship that I have with women and so I think the thread has definitely been beneficial for me but I also think just because there is a way of asking that might not immediately piss everyone off, doesn't necessarily mean I have come round to thinking that the question should be asked.

OP posts:
Loopylala7 · 14/09/2014 02:08

If I was in your shoes, I would say to your ladies 'I'm sorry to have to be pushy with this question, I personally respect your right to choice, but my job dictates that I ask if you would like to offer your baby a breastfeed'. Job done, you get an answer from the Mums without making yourself out to be judgey. I do think it's awful that they expect you to ignore new Mums opinions.

DrCarolineTodd · 14/09/2014 02:16

You simply cannot use a blanket approach. I am on medication for a serious illness that means BFing is simply not possible and would have been very upset to be asked this.

MidniteScribbler · 14/09/2014 02:16

Wait for the baby to be born, then ask 'were you planning on breastfeeding?". Woman can then say yes or no, and do whichever she prefers, thn when they are asked to fill in a questionnaire about whether they were asked, they'll just tick yes, and you'll be off the hook.

grobagsforever · 14/09/2014 06:44

You know what? I think adult women should be able to cope with this question. It's just a question! And a single shot of colostrum would massively benefit the baby. It's one question and one breastfeed!

bishboschone · 14/09/2014 06:58

They did ask me , I told them clearly I didn't want to Nd not to ask again . Second time around I had a prem baby and was actively made to . Normally I would have stood up for myself but I was upset and told he may die bla bla so wanted to try everything I could . I hated it and mostly it was being pumped from me so not nice.

Original poster
SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 14/09/2014 08:47

I agree that it's just a question but it's a question that indicates your midwife, who is supposed to be a support and advocate for you and your choices, hasn't listened to you. Or she's listened and is pushing her own agenda because she doesn't feel your choices are valid and that's why it sits uncomfortably with me.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 09:41

Can I just ask some of the posters why you would be so against it?

You aren't bring asked to breast feed as a feeding choice for months on end, but just to give one singular feed for a very good reason.

Why is that so bad?

Why wouldn't you do it just as that one off?

I'd understand the anger if the midwife was trying to get you to change your decision to FF as your chosen method, but she isn't, she's just asking you to do it once for the health benefits of colostrum.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 09:48

And I'm only asking out of genuine curiosity, not to be antagonistic or cause offence Smile

christinarossetti · 14/09/2014 09:50

The information about health benefits of colostrum needs to be provided to women in late pregnancy, not immediately post partum.

It's fair to assume that most women will have thought about how they aim to feed during pregnancy, and don't particularly want a debate with possibly someone they've never met before immediate after the baby is born.

Pico2 · 14/09/2014 09:51

What is the evidence that a single colostrum feed has any real benefits?

treaclesoda · 14/09/2014 10:01

wannabe speaking personally, in my case the reason I'd be against it is because I wasn't physically able to do it. I would have loved to have bf, it would have meant a lot to me. To have my medical records ignored and be asked a question that rubs salt in the wounds, just so that someone can tick a box somewhere would be upsetting. And why should I just have to suck it up and put up with it, just so that someone somewhere can compile some statistics. Is post natal care about actually providing medical care, or is it about using the patients as research subjects?

ScarlettlovesRhett · 14/09/2014 10:01

Writer, the answer to your questions (above), very simply, is:

Because I didn't want to.

Nobody needs any further discussion than that.
(But because you asked I will give you my honest reasons).

  1. The thought of bf horrified me and disgusted me in equal measure (caveat: I do not think bf is disgusting, it is just my gut reaction and feeling to having to do it myself).
  1. I am a human being and individual in my own right, with autonomy over my own body - if I say 'no', I mean 'no'. I don't mean "no,but if you continue to wear me down and play on my vulnerability at this stage and lay a guilt trip on me then really I mean yes".
  1. The while colostrum thing is just great, but do you know what - it is really, really irrelevant to my 9 & 12 year old now. Had my babies been very ill at birth, I would no doubt have done everything I could to ensure their survival/health - but they were fine and healthy so ff from the off was a perfectly valid choice imo.
  1. Because I just didn't want to.

Hope that answers your question.

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/09/2014 10:09

With ds, all the staff said I had to breast feed - no choice. They practically pushed me on the huge milk express machine and I sat there in agony while it pumped me like a cow. I wanted To bottle feed and finally after two weeks I was able to. I was in hospital all this time by the way so it was slightly different.
With dd more recently no one asked and when I asked for a bottle of formula they just went and got it after asking which formula brand I preferred. I loved that. No questions asked, no pressure.
I was expecting someone to ask if I was breast feeding and wouldn't have minded if they had asked as long as it wasn't pushed.

sashh · 14/09/2014 10:28

Are they asking the bf women if they want to try a bottle? If you have considered using a wet nurse?

You bottle feed a baby for one of two reasons. You have chosen to or you wanted to bf and couldn't.

Both are good enough reasons. An autonomous adult should be able to make choices about their own body and for that to be respectd

Are they going to insist you ask other stupid questions?

Surely as part of planning for a birth you discuss all the options with your HCP if you can, and this is one of them.

micah · 14/09/2014 10:31

I was constantly asked on the post natal ward if I wanted formula "to give me a break". Breastfeeding was actually going really well, if a little constant, and I got quite pissed off at the amount of times I had to say no to formula.

So it does work both ways. Probably better questions would be "would you like some help feeding?" Or just being asked if I was happy how feeding was going.

I do think the op's question should be asked after birth. Maybe some form of sticker on the front of the notes- like the strep b ones- for those who cannot breastfeed for medical reasons, so those people aren't asked.

landrover · 14/09/2014 10:57

Scarlett, I feel exactly like you!

PenguinsIsSleepDeprived · 14/09/2014 11:10

I realised thinking about this thread last night that I know a woman who planned to ff but decided after birth to give bfing a whirl and did for about four months. So maybe a sensitive and non judgey question does give someone like that an easy chance yo change their mind. But definitely no pressure.

DrCarolineTodd · 14/09/2014 11:16

"I would have loved to have bf, it would have meant a lot to me. To have my medical records ignored and be asked a question that rubs salt in the wounds, just so that someone can tick a box somewhere would be upsetting."

This.

evelynj · 14/09/2014 11:29

I think the first feed is so important that it should be encouraged for all women. It's a super emotional time so as long as women are told that they'll be asked this as midwives now must do this then they can be prepared. But also even if mums are going to bottle feed, I don't see the harm in encouraging mums to do the first feed or even first few days before switching. This can be done in a sensitive way, though both times I was struggling with bf I definitely felt like a failure & know others have experience similar so don't know what the answer is.

evelynj · 14/09/2014 11:37

In response to those who are disgusted by bf, are you also disgusted by the thought of expressing? I'm just wondering if this is something they could suggest as an alternative for the first couple of days. I would have probably thoughts was a bit yuck before being pg. I agree the pressure is too much but think a lot of this is that they focus on minimum of 6 months bf. as the biggest benefits are the first few days I think they should shift the focus to that or first couple of weeks or whatever. It's always going to be heartbreaking for someone who wants to fb & can't. If the health benefits are as great as they say then I think where possible we should try. I also agree though that there should be no pressure & if for any reason someone categorically doesn't want to do it, it will do more harm to force the issue. Happy mum, happy baby & all that.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 11:42

That's a good suggestion evelyn about expressing for the women who don't like the thought of the baby actually feeding from the breast. I really struggled with BF after the birth and so I hand expressed colostrum into a syringe which the midwife then gave to my DS. It was very quick and easy to do.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 14/09/2014 11:52

Yes, am also disgusted by thought of expressing.

Am disgusted by the thought of anything coming out of my nipples, and am disgusted by the thought of anything being attached to me like a parasite.

Am just being honest btw, as was asked - I have no problem with other people's choices to bf.