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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd feel if your midwife asked you this question?

240 replies

SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 13/09/2014 05:25

I'm a midwife at a large unit currently going for BFI status and we have been instructed to ask all women regardless of their stated intentions if they want to give their baby a breastfeed.

So even if a woman comes in very clear in their mind that they want to bottle fees and for whatever reason they don't want to breastfeed we have to ignore that and ask them if they will offer a breastfeed instead.

I have had a heated debate with the breastfeeding coordinator as I refuse to do it as I feel it will undermine my relationship with the bottle feeding women I look after.

So if you have made the decision to bottlefeed how would you feel if your midwife ignored that information and instead asked you to give your baby a first breastfeed, would you as the coordinator feels, think that you might have your mind changed or would you think 'that midwife hasn't listened to a word I say' and feel under pressure or made to feel guilty.

I'm prepared to have my mind changed but it just feels so wrong to me!

OP posts:
tippytap · 13/09/2014 05:27

I'd just say 'no'. Especially if prefaced with 'I have to ask you this'.

It'd be fine if it stopped there. Any pressure though, would be unacceptable.

Acolyte · 13/09/2014 05:31

I was a definite bottle feeder when a midwife pressured me into trying a breast feed just after giving birth.
Her attitude so hacked me off that I asked to leave.
Thankfully both baby and I were in a fit state to be discharged, so we were home 5 hours after having baby.

Gennz · 13/09/2014 05:38

I would say "I've just finished telling you I want to bottle feed, you cloth-eared bint" and probably wouldn't feel inclined to listen to anything else you had to say.

(I am regnant with my first and plan to breast feed but I really dislike the dogmatic BF-ing pressure)

PickleMobile · 13/09/2014 05:48

When would this be asked? In labour? Post natal ward?

I wouldn't have minded but I never discussed how I was feeding my baby, I don't think anyone ever asked me tbh I probably said I want to try and breastfeed and they offered me help.

I think it would be ok to ask how are you feeding baby? and if told bottle feeding saying something like did you not want to try breastfeeding? But to leave it at that and don't expect a detailed answer, just a no would suffice.

I wouldn't have liked a lecture on how breast if best if I had decided to bottle feed for whatever reason.

however · 13/09/2014 05:49

What is the context? Is this someone who has just given birth and has previously stated their intentions? Or just as part of a conversation following "I don't want to breastfeed, I intend to bottle feed."?

however · 13/09/2014 05:50

I think it can be done sensitively, btw. Like "do you want to try to give baby colostrum before you move on to the bottle?"

winnertakesitall · 13/09/2014 05:53

I think it would have unsettled me. I was an emotional wreck after a traumatic birth. If someone had then said that, especially if they already knew I was bottle feeding, I'd have felt even more of a 'failure'. This should be about empowering women to do what they feel is best for them and their baby. Everyone knows that breast is best biologically, but people are free to make their own choices dependent on their own circumstances.

Please stick to your guns, and treat your patients like adults!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/09/2014 06:06

It would piss me off.

Stirrup · 13/09/2014 06:14

YANBU but could you ask it in a really sensitive way e.g. 'I know you really want to bottle feed and I support you 100% in that but as part of my job, my boss wants me to ask you if you would like to do one breastfeed. Feel free to say no.'

snozzlemaid · 13/09/2014 06:15

I think it might be ok if you first said ' I am aware that you will be bottle feeding, but I am required to ask would you like to offer a breast feed first?'
At least then you'll be showing that you are fully aware of their decision to bottle feed and that it's something you're required to ask as standard to all new mums.

snozzlemaid · 13/09/2014 06:15

Put much better by Stirrup.

Stirrup · 13/09/2014 06:16

Snap Grin

storminabuttercup · 13/09/2014 06:22

It depends on the context. 'Would you like to try and breast feed?' Would be fine.
This is what I got...
'Are you going to breast feed?'
'No, I've decided against due to needing to restart 'x' medication ASAP'
'Are you sure?'
'Yes'
'But x medication mighnt not interfere'
'The consultant advised differently and I'd really prefer not to'
'Thats fine, but you are putting your medical needs before your babies'
'My baby needs a well mother who can actually focus on being a mum, I'll be starting my meds today as advised'
'Your choice'

Half an hour later...
'Oh look how well he's feeding, he would have loved breast feeding, such a shame'

Oh fuck off.

I take a combination of a few different meds that I'd stopped in pregnancy and it had floored me, each one posed a 'small risk' I was taking three of these, didn't seem worth the worry when I was stressed and anxious enough.

That's the first time I've spoke about that. Feels good to rant...Smile

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 13/09/2014 06:24

I would have made a complaint against that midwife storm

winnertakesitall · 13/09/2014 06:33

I personally feel that all the 'I'm
Required to ask you', 'my boss has to me to ask you' makes no odds. It's still asking someone who may have already stated what they want to do, and therefore questions and undermines their decision. Once again, treat people like adults.

Not a great analogy- but it's like a waiter questioning your order, you'd feel a bit miffed if you asked for something but they kept harping on about you preferring something else.

Don't always presume that people have gone into a decision lightly- instead I'd presume that they'd already weighed up the pros and cons and give them the credit. If they ask for your advice that is a different kettle of fish of course!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/09/2014 06:38

Prefixing any question with "i have to ask you this" immediately puts a barrier up. Which is the point of the prefix of course.
When asking questions that can be difficult to ask becasue they might put ppl's backs up I find its more efficacious to say something like "some of the questions i ask in this assessment/ interview/ appointment are quite personal.... Bla bla..."
Its an important question because it informs stats that are used to measure the success of bf support.
I loathe the suggestion that we might "try" to breastfeed. Its such an irritating position. Like ff is the default, the norm, and bf is something vague,y unattainable, a sort of modern, hippy-ish frippery thats not really normal but i might give a try and keep some ready to feed in the cupboard because really that is the proper food for infants and i haven't "bought into" all this breastfeeding nonsense and how am i going to get all the ironing done / let my dp feed the baby, if I'm bf all day

beccajoh · 13/09/2014 06:54

I'd be really irritated if I was asked such a question when I'd already made my decision (and I bf both my babies at birth). The hospital where I gave birth has the bronze BFI status and they're trying for silver. Right after both births I was asked "How are you going to feed your baby?" The hospital staff respected women's decisions!

deakymom · 13/09/2014 06:56

it would upset me as i would feel you had listened to nothing i had said at all

saying that i was refused exit from a hospital because i was bottle feeding and my son was not drinking the guideline amount every four hours but if you breastfed you could leave immediately it was undermining because you a,can't actually tell how much a breastfed baby is having and b, they made me use their pre made bottles which are too thick for a newborn to take 4 oz at a time after trying for a day or so i ended up pouring half of the stuff away and claiming he drank it so i could get him home after that the midwife and health visitor claimed i was giving him too much formula i pointed out his stomach had been stretched in an attempt to comply with hospital policy Hmm babies are not numbers

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 13/09/2014 06:57

It would depend on my mood tbh

If I was in a good mood I would probably just think you were doing your job, if I was in a bad mood I might tell you to piss off

weebarra · 13/09/2014 07:00

I see the use of the word "try", as a softly softly "let's see if this works if you have a go at it approach". I do have friends who didn't intend to breast feed, tried and it worked so well they kept doing it.
And the wee snide comment about having formula in the cupboard is just unfair. It doesn't mean people aren't committed to breastfeeding, just anxious that baby won't take the breast and then it'll starve! Being a dirt time mum in the middle of the night with an uncooperative baby isn't easy as I'm sure you remember.
Anyway OP, I think it's something that can be asked diplomatically.

DizzyKipper · 13/09/2014 07:01

I'm actually a determined breast feeder, but if I had made the decision to bottle feed and had made this clear to my MW (and would probably have put it in my notes) I would be extremely annoyed to then get asked anyway.
You could soften the blow by saying "I'm sorry, I know you've made the decision to bottle feed but there's a new requirement to ask all mums..." Depending on how hormonal I was at the time I'd probably be more understanding, but I couldn't guarantee it Grin

Pastperfect · 13/09/2014 07:04

Making you ask that risks putting you in a position where you come across as unprofessional and patronizing and not just to women that FF.

I would be pissed off even though I intended to (and did) BF all my DC.

I'm an adult woman I'm quite capable of getting on with it without the patronizing prompt.

coraltoes · 13/09/2014 07:07

I told a midwife to fuck off very loudly when she offered to squeeze my boob into the right shape for feeding. DD had tongue tie, couldn't suck a thin, but she couldn't fucking spot that could she, just thought I was anatomically odd.

I am so anti midwives/anyone interfering in this shit. Some people just don't want to breastfeed. They aren't substituting breast milk with crack cocaine, they are going to feed the baby milk so why can't it just be left to the mother to make the decision and why in gods name does it have to be documented and asked and asked again. I must have had every sodding HV ask me on each visit. No help for the tongue tie mind, you know the real issue...just as long as they could tick the boxes on their arse wipe sheet. The NHS needs to really rethink what the purpose of HVs and midwives post partum is, and put the focus on support, accessing the right assistance, not just some random service of women providing anecdotal and judgemental evidence to support their woo theories. "Oh she hasn't gained weight in the last two days, why not try formula" "oh don't read newspaper snippets to her she will get sad at the news (5w old dd)" "we put Fennel seeds in bottled milk to help with wind, want to try that?" Etc etc etc

Sorry that was a mega rant and obviously there are lovely midwives. Just not in my corner of North London.

colleysmill · 13/09/2014 07:09

storm that's horrific.

I ff because I take medication that has limited evidence for bf mothers and safety and i would have been furious at that - given all the conversations I'd had about it with obstetrics, paeds and my own consultant to be questioned about that decision again when you are possibly at your most vulnerable I don't think is appropriate.

Maybe I have put my medical needs above my baby's but given I have to live with the condition (and I've had it for 25 years now and is not changed much in that time - I'd anything it's worse now than ever) and i know how well I do or don't cope when it's bad then that is my decision to make.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 13/09/2014 07:14

Having formula around is known to reduce the success of bf.
I struggled with my pfb. He had a severe tongue tie. All the midwives were pushing formula. One angel in the night came to us. I hadnt seen her before. She was infuriated at the fact that women had been conditioned not to have confidence in their ability to feed and she sort of wrestled him onto me in order to get a half decent position.
I will never forget her. I will forever be grateful to her.