Was this trip inappropriate?

[Josieplusthreeandthedog]

Started an account for this as its been bothering me

Bit of background to help before I start; Have 3 DC; DTD and DTS who're 22, from my first marriage. And DD2 who's 10 with my DH. My ex (DTC's dad) walked out on us when DTC were 2 and never saw them again, despite my repeated efforts for him to contact them. When they were 8 I married my DH, and he treated them like his own. DTD calls him Dad, DTS varies between dad and his name dependant on his mood.

Now to my AIBU. DTD has been really ill with depression recently and earlier this year was admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for a month. She's been going down hill again recently and we've been keeping an eye on her as we don't want her to go back into hospital. This morning when I left for work she was lying in bed looking terribly down. I was worried about her, but couldn't take the day off work. But DH did, so as to keep an eye on her. When I got home from work DTD was in a much better mood.

From what I can tell DH made her get up at lunchtime, made her get dressed then took her in the car to the local PetsAtHome. Him and DTD spent about an hour in the store cuddling the animals and looking at the products, they eventually bought some things including some toys and food for our cats. DH was hungry, but DTDs appetite varies but he took her into the McDonalds opposite the PAH and apparently she ate a large meal and had a milkshake, which is great considering she usually only manages a few mouthfuls.

DTS is back at his university ready to start his final year, and DD2 was at school. DTS and DTD speak on the phone every night since she came out of hospital. DTS called me after they'd spoken and shouted at me that I shouldn't let DH take DTD out like he did today as it's inappropriate apparently. DTD was in a really good mood afterwards, and the boost its given her should hopefully keep her depression away for a few days, but according to DTS these trips should only be with myself or DD2 as well as DH.

Is DTS right, should I tell DH not to take DTD out like that again?

Can you ask him directly why it is inappropriate?

Not inappropriate at all. He's her Dad. He took her out to make her feel better
Sounds to me like a bit of jealousy from her brother

Your DH has been in your DT's lives since they were 8 so this to me does not sound inappropriate at all. However my spidey senses would be tingling and I would want to press my DTS for his reasons why he thinks it inappropriate.

Your son is wrong. Your husband sounds lovely.

Why would it be inappropriate? I agree with purple it shoulda like jealousy.

Unless he has specific concerns, which he is prepared to share, then it was not inappropriate. In fact it sounds positively inspired.

I can't imagine why it would be inappropriate.

From your OP, I am struggling to see why it is inappropriate? Is there a back story to this? Has your DTD and your DH ever had trouble getting on? (not including normal teenage behaviour and attitude?) I would ask your DTS why he feels this is inappropriate and tell him how happy she was after the trip. Has DTD told DTS something on the phone that has made DTS worry? Maybe something happened on the trip that is bothering him?

Why on earth is it inappropriate ? What is he trying to say? Is he trying to tell you something?

Under any normal circumstances it is not inappropriate for a step dad to take his grown up dd to a pet shop and MacDonalds. So if your DS has a particular reason to think it is he needs to explain it to you. Why is your son shouting at you and telling you what to do?

Does he believe there is an inappropriate relationship between your DH and your dd?

He's her Dad, it's not inappropriate for him to take her out to low key places he'll know she'll appreciate to try to help her feel better.

He's giving her his time and care, it sounded lovely to me.

Unless your DS is suggesting it was something more than that?

Is there anything you can think of that'd make him think that? Could your DD have said she was uncomfortable with your DH, either now or in the past?

Sounds as though he's jealous. Assuming that DTD and DH have a normal father/daughter relationship then the trip was lovely.

Siblings, especially twins, talk. I would want to know exactly why he feels it's inappropriate. It is a weird thing to say unless he is privy to something untoward happening between your DH and your DTD.

He is 22, not 12. It was a pet shop and McD's. He's at university. I would not be putting this down to jealousy :(

OP seems to be saying that it's the DS who's closer to her DH than her DD, like he calls him dad all the time but the DD calls him dad/first name.

Wouldn't your DS stop calling him dad if he thought there was anything like we're suggesting going on OP? Or is it more likely that your DD not calling him dad all the time points to her not feeling comfortable with him? Regardless of the reason why.

What everyone else says! On the face of it, H delivered a highly therapeutic experience. DD's brother presumably has some reason for being so worked up about it. I think you need to take a good, slow breath, put your calm & capable hat on, and give him space to tell you exactly what's bothering him.

Good luck.

Hi everyone, thanks for fast responses.

DTD and DH have always have a pretty good relationship, in no way do I think its unhealthy or inappropriate. However, DTS and DH have at times had a strained relationship, but again nothing that I think isn't normal to a family life e.g curfew times as teenager, DTS would also often say he wasn't his real dad.

I know DTS worries about his sister and I really don't think its jealousy maybe he is just worried she'll go back into hospital. When asked he couldn't really explain why he felt it was inappropriate, he just said he didn't feel it was right for a Stepdad to so this sort of trip with anyone other than his wife and bio-daughter (I.e. Dd2), he said had DH been DTDs real dad he wouldn't be so concerned.

Agent, it's the daughter who calls him Dad. Her brother swings between Dad and his name. I don't think that shows anything, personally: lots of young people do this.

Agentzigzag it's the other way round, DTD is closer to DH calls him dad, whereas DTS calls him dad or his first, depending on whether they've fallen out or not.

he didn't feel it was right for a Stepdad to so this sort of trip with anyone other than his wife and bio-daughter

This doesn't make sense. Ask him again?

I read from the op that it's the other way round, Agent. I think dd calls him Dad all the time, but ds alternates between Dad and his name.

x post!

He didn't mishear "Pets at Home" as "Sex Education", did he??

I would be more worried about why dts feels it's inappropriate.

on the surface it is a caring father looking out for his daughter and doing something lovely for her wheb she is poorly however it sounds like your son has an issue.

could there be abuse there? are there any signs however small? could that be the root of her depression?

I wouldn't dismiss it immediately until you can ascertain why he feels it's inappropriate

Does he follow or has he adopted some religious belief that precludes a woman going out with a non blood relative?

What is bothering you about it?

Thanks Garlic, I'm easily confused

As I was reading through what your DH did with your DD OP, I really did think the PAH was such a thoughtful thing for him to choose. It's not an obvious choice and was made because he knows your DD as she is.

If you don't think your DS is trying to tell you something he's finding hard to put into words, is he feeling a bit vulnerable because he has less 'control' (in a nice way) over the outcome of your DDs illness? That because he's not able to directly support/keep an eye on her himself in the flesh that he's being a bit OTT in other people's ideas of how they support her?

That this is him being protective over his sister?