Was this trip inappropriate?

[Josieplusthreeandthedog]

Started an account for this as its been bothering me

Bit of background to help before I start; Have 3 DC; DTD and DTS who're 22, from my first marriage. And DD2 who's 10 with my DH. My ex (DTC's dad) walked out on us when DTC were 2 and never saw them again, despite my repeated efforts for him to contact them. When they were 8 I married my DH, and he treated them like his own. DTD calls him Dad, DTS varies between dad and his name dependant on his mood.

Now to my AIBU. DTD has been really ill with depression recently and earlier this year was admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for a month. She's been going down hill again recently and we've been keeping an eye on her as we don't want her to go back into hospital. This morning when I left for work she was lying in bed looking terribly down. I was worried about her, but couldn't take the day off work. But DH did, so as to keep an eye on her. When I got home from work DTD was in a much better mood.

From what I can tell DH made her get up at lunchtime, made her get dressed then took her in the car to the local PetsAtHome. Him and DTD spent about an hour in the store cuddling the animals and looking at the products, they eventually bought some things including some toys and food for our cats. DH was hungry, but DTDs appetite varies but he took her into the McDonalds opposite the PAH and apparently she ate a large meal and had a milkshake, which is great considering she usually only manages a few mouthfuls.

DTS is back at his university ready to start his final year, and DD2 was at school. DTS and DTD speak on the phone every night since she came out of hospital. DTS called me after they'd spoken and shouted at me that I shouldn't let DH take DTD out like he did today as it's inappropriate apparently. DTD was in a really good mood afterwards, and the boost its given her should hopefully keep her depression away for a few days, but according to DTS these trips should only be with myself or DD2 as well as DH.

Is DTS right, should I tell DH not to take DTD out like that again?

sounds to me like your son is still not comfortable with his sister having a father/daughter relationship and it's his own issues with keeping a distance between him and his stepfather.

if it is that, then i don't think there's any harm is saying you understand why he might feel like that but that it's inappropriate to interfere with his sister's relationship with her step father. he should be happy for her and be glad that she has that support.

then take him for a burger for christ's sake. with a mcflurry and tell him to snap out of it because he's a grown up now.

Yakima,ac I'm not really sure what's bothering me about his comment it's just made me wonder.

I'm not really sure whats the underlying cause of DTDs depression, I always assumed it was because shedding remember her real dad and was bullied at school and failed to get to into university. But maybe there is something else.

Will call DTS tomorrow and have a chat wit him, will update when I've probed further.

Josie you know your DTS we don't. Now, either he has form for being an idiot and thinking irrational stupid things or he doesn't?! If he doesn't, the conclusion I am coming to is horrible. He is hinting that his step dad is acting inappropriately with his sister, he cannot just let that grenade off then step back and say 'dunno'.

Everything in this scenario could point to something inappropriate happening between your DTD and your DH. You have to be prepared for that.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I have taken all my children on regular trips to Pets at Home to see the cute baby animals, from about 2 or 3 years old.

My daughter who is 10 has more or less grown out of this now.

At 22 it seems an odd 'trip'. Fair enough if they were just shopping to get some pet food. But going specifically to 'cuddle the animals', then to McDonald's strikes me as a bit juvenile.

It seems very odd for him to think that, unless he suspects/knows/thinks something that he has not shared with you.

Or his sister has told him something (and not you) has happened between dh and her that means he feels they shouldn't be alone together.

I don't see why he would think that they couldn't have fun just the 2 of them.

Unless he does have a reason that he shares with you then and only then should you listen to him about it.

P.s Iv had a sd since I was 5. 30 now. I would see no reason why he and I couldn't hang out together as he is one of my dads! We don't but that's besides the point.

'He is hinting that his step dad is acting inappropriately with his sister, he cannot just let that grenade off then step back and say 'dunno'.'

I agree, and the OP needs to not just be prepared for that, she needs to be receptive to it, as distasteful as that might feel.

I would have to ask outright. If he is actually thinking that then the time for pussyfooting around it should be over. If he's outraged at the idea then all's well and good and you can move on to working out what it is making him feel uncomfortable, but I would maybe push for a direct answer to a direct question.

It isn't something you want to be eating away at you at the back of your mind indefinitely.

latte that's what I'm trying to say too. (Don't worry before you know anything though Josie)

Your right the son can not throw the bomb then say nothing it's not fair!

waffle it is usually I would agree but if she very fragile after the hospital he may have though nice easy afternoon with not too much that could upset her.

Sometimes it's those comfortable and comforting things you did when you were small that can make you feel more secure Waffle.

Pet therapy is quite effective isn't it?

agent

I agree if the worst comes out Josie be strong for her be ready for her to fall apart (Maybe shel even deny it at first)

Come back to us and use professionals for support because you'll feel like your world will be over.

Iv put a link below, it might not be appropriate and you might not need to ever look at it but it's info and a first step if you need it.

www.survivorscotland.org.uk

I'm prob off for the night but il be back tomorrow josie.

Don't get in a panic yet as there might be nothing to panic over

But remember your not alone if it turns out you need us mumsnetters ok

If he was hinting that something inappropriate was going on though, why would he worry about visits to public places.? Surely his worry would be about being home alone?

He seems to think it is outings that are some kind of problem.

I think it sounds like a lovely, well thought out trip. At least she ate something too, even if if was the dreaded McDonalds

Does he think DH is, for want of a better word, 'babying' DTD. I agree you cant let this go without an explanation. At 22 you know labelling a relationship like this inappropriate will set alarm bells ringing.

Do you get to cuddle animals for an hour at P@H ?

Unless its a petting day, reserved for small children and generally in the summer holidays, I cant see a pet store allowing randoms to come in and be allowed to man handle baby animals not used to handling. The staff have that amount of time to spare, supervising?

Did they really got to P@H? Because I think your son is right to have his senses tingling. DS doesnt like your DH much but your DD does? I wonder why that would be. You wouldnt be posting if you didnt have the same core feeling your DS does. Is your DH a little too close to your DTD?

That sounds bizarre. Unless he knows something you don't then it's a strange reaction.

My step-dad came in to my life at a similar age and looks after me the same way as your DH looks after your DD and had always done so. I've been ill recently and he's taken on a lot of taking me to doctors and hospital appointments/admissions. He's my Dad. I really don't understand your DS reaction.

Careful, step families are quite often misunderstood on MN and therefore you might get quite negative viewpoints.

We often go into Pets at home just to cuddle the animals. I find that the staff don't mind (or at least do a good impression of not minding if I am wrong) as, especially in the case of the young rabbits, the more handling the better. I suppose it does their 'business model' good to have socialised and friendly animals to sell.

I don't think this was inappropriate, but then I'm a big believer in Pets As Therapy and the benefits of animals in the treatments of lots of illnesses, including depression.

You need to speak to your son. Preferably face to face and let him know that he absolutely must share any concerns with you for the sake of your dd

Waffle,if DTD is in the depths of depression, that trip was pitched just right in my opinion. Gentle and non-demanding.

It's not just not inappropriate, it's massively APPROPRIATE as a bit of a pick-me-up. Tell him to get back in his box and put his sister first.

And please calm down on the hinting at something terrible. There are loads of possible reasons for his reaction, one of the least likely being an inappropriate relationship. That is of course not to say that he shouldn't be made to clarify his comment, or that it's not possible, but get the facts first.

What an odd thing to say. I hope you get some answers today, OP.

I wonder if your son is insecure as he is away. His stance of rejecting your DH when it suits him will add to his insecurity and he doesn't want to think of his sister as part of a family unit he has chosen to opt in and out of. He'd like her to take his side

If so...it's a bit selfish to resent her having a positive experience. I wonder if her brother is a link to her depression. Sibling relationships can be very complex

That word again.
Inappropriate can mean anything or nothing. If you have concerns it would be much better to say what you think is wrong, rather than make people speculate.