Was this trip inappropriate?

[Josieplusthreeandthedog]

Started an account for this as its been bothering me

Bit of background to help before I start; Have 3 DC; DTD and DTS who're 22, from my first marriage. And DD2 who's 10 with my DH. My ex (DTC's dad) walked out on us when DTC were 2 and never saw them again, despite my repeated efforts for him to contact them. When they were 8 I married my DH, and he treated them like his own. DTD calls him Dad, DTS varies between dad and his name dependant on his mood.

Now to my AIBU. DTD has been really ill with depression recently and earlier this year was admitted to the local psychiatric hospital for a month. She's been going down hill again recently and we've been keeping an eye on her as we don't want her to go back into hospital. This morning when I left for work she was lying in bed looking terribly down. I was worried about her, but couldn't take the day off work. But DH did, so as to keep an eye on her. When I got home from work DTD was in a much better mood.

From what I can tell DH made her get up at lunchtime, made her get dressed then took her in the car to the local PetsAtHome. Him and DTD spent about an hour in the store cuddling the animals and looking at the products, they eventually bought some things including some toys and food for our cats. DH was hungry, but DTDs appetite varies but he took her into the McDonalds opposite the PAH and apparently she ate a large meal and had a milkshake, which is great considering she usually only manages a few mouthfuls.

DTS is back at his university ready to start his final year, and DD2 was at school. DTS and DTD speak on the phone every night since she came out of hospital. DTS called me after they'd spoken and shouted at me that I shouldn't let DH take DTD out like he did today as it's inappropriate apparently. DTD was in a really good mood afterwards, and the boost its given her should hopefully keep her depression away for a few days, but according to DTS these trips should only be with myself or DD2 as well as DH.

Is DTS right, should I tell DH not to take DTD out like that again?

Why on earth is it inappropriate that a father go to a pets at home and mcd with his adult daughter, biological or not?

Is your ds going to question every single male that his sister goes out on trips with?

If he has proper concerns, he should voice them and not make himself sound like a jealous controlling twat.

Am glad the outing lifted your dd's spirit, I hope this nonsense doesn't derail her recovery.

Your DTD is 22 therefore she can go wherever she wants with whoever she wants to. Your DTS is being very unreasobpnable about this. He has no say in what happens in his sisters life.

I think what your DH did was lovely and I know my 22yo daughter would like the same type of trip to cheer her up if she was down.

I think I'd be more concerned that your dts was inhibiting your dtd's recovery than anything inappropriate going on between dad and dh. Especially as your son appears to dip in and out of his relationship with his stepdad depending on his mood.

The relationship between twin siblings is so much more complex than regular siblings. My dts are only two. But already they will ask where their twin sister/brother is when they are apart from each other. Dts is definitely more dependant on his sister than she is. Their older siblings are not the same.

Gentle probing of your son, and maybe your daughter, to find out why he finds this activity so wrong would be wise.

It could be guilt that he isn't there for his sister now he's away at uni. It could be he thinks dh is treating Dtd as a child instead of an adult. Is he jealous that his sister has so easily replaced their father with your dh?

There are so many possible permutations as to why he thinks it's wrong, unless there are any glaring red flags from your Dtd (and I think it more likely she would be trying to keep away rather than spend time with an abuser), I'd look to reassuring your son that he is still an important part of the family and just because he happens to be away, doesn't mean he isn't welcome.

If your ds is behaving like this out of jealousy, it may not be because of his sister having trips out to a pet store and McD that he's missing out on (would be unusual at 22!), it may be that he is jealous that his sister is getting a lot of emotional support from a male other than him.

He might see himself as the main male presence in her life, as their dad 'disappeared', and resent his sd for stepping into his shoes when he's away at uni. He could feel that his sister's difficulties are not her sd's business, especially if he has a tricky relationship with him.

Maybe the depth of his feelings about his sd has gone unacknowledged until now, when his sister is going through a difficult time, and he is unable to be there for her.

Yes, a potentially less-threatening interpretation would be that DD & DS are very emotionally interdependent; DD has relapsed because her brother's away; DS feels usurped because DH managed to make his sister feel better without him.

Even that's a worrying dynamic while DD's vulnerable, though of course not as worrying as the obvious fear prompted by the word 'inappropriate'. Horrible for you either way, Josie, and I'm really pleased to hear you have the common sense to revisit this with DS.

... and with DD, obvs. One thing depressed people can do well, usually, is identify the emotional problems in their lives.

How are things at home this morning OP?

I would agree with Pastperfect. You need to talk to your son, preferably face to face and ask him to tell you what his concerns are.

I don't know you or your family so as a stranger it sounds to me like your son is trying to tell you something.

What Garlic said. Has DTS been assuming a protective role through the summer break and feels responsible? Maybe has some subconscious feeling that only blood relatives can possibly help his sister? Probably worried about her as only just gone back to uni.

He needs to back off and get on with his degree.

The fact than DTD got up, went out and ate all sounds hugely positive. Don't want to sound trite but would more interaction with animals be beneficial? They are very therapeutic although also a pain in the arse.

I've been mulling over your ds's use of the word 'inappropriate'. I know it has connotations, but I can't help wondering, as someone pointed out upthread, why he would describe a trip out to a public place as 'inappropriate'. If he is concerned about anything sinister, surely he would be more worried about time spent together at home?

I do think he might mean his sd's considerable involvement (taking the day off, etc.) in trying to alleviate/manage his sister's depression is, to his mind, inappropriate, because he doesn't regard sd as his (or his sister's) family.

The OP has posted for support because her DD is suffering from depression and the first thing people do is jump to conclusions about the step father, causing her more stress!

Just ask your ds outright why he doesn't think it was appropiate, not for advice on the internet, where posters don't know your family dynamic.

I just love it when posters tell other posters what they're allowed to say.

Oh, and even whether OPs are allowed to post their questions! Nice one, perhaps you'd like to vet all posts before they appear?

I don't think posters are jumping to conclusions at all. Most are saying that the OP needs more information on what the issue is here.

To my mind it is so strange to call this trip 'inappropriate' that I would want to get to the bottom of the problem.

Exactly frumpy.
'Inappropriate' could mean any of a hundred different things. It's easy to throw the word out as an insinuation, but entirely unhelpful if someone is asking for advice.

How are you op

Your older son sounds jealous and I think fails to understand the closeness that his sister shares with her dad. Just because his sister has mental health problems does not mean she cannot make decisions about her life. I would tell him to butt out.

I agree little white, she is an adult and capable of making her own choices. Just because he doesent feel,close to op dh, does not mean his sister should. He could not give any valid reasons for what he has said, sounds interfering IMHO.

I wasn't suggesting that dts was jealous of fast food and pets at home. More that his sister has a better relationship with her dad.

I wonder if also that he perhaps thinks that as her twin, he should be there to make her feel better

For the posters saying its babying/infantilising, I agree it could be seen like that- but often that's what I need when struck down with depression, that's just how it goes.

I would also ask why your son feels that way- I don't get why it was "inappropriate" for his step father to take DTD on this particular trip, but it would be appropriate for their own bio father? Surely if it's infantilising from DSF it would be the same with DF?!

Exactly happy, tge son could not give a valid reason for it. If he had said that sister disclosed abuse or inappropriate behaviour of op dh towards the sister that would of course be different. It sounds like he is allowing his feelings for op dh to cloud his sisters experiences.

Op dh sounds lovely, and sister seemed to have a great time which is the main thing!