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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to pick dd from london

130 replies

LEMmingaround · 12/09/2014 13:30

Dd1 is 24 and going up to london to watch. a sports event. It finishes at 7.30 and she is nervous about travelling across London after dark. Ordinarily her dp would pick her up. She will be going up by train and event is apparentlt half hour "walk" from xanning town train station

She hasn't been to london on her own before. I have and i find it ok about dont like using buses alone. Its just because not used to it.

She has asked if dp can fetch her home. This is probably a four hour round trip as she luves in ramsgate kent. Half an hour further past us. That is assuming we dont hit traffic. Also petrol Shock

Is it really mean to tell her to grow a pairand get the train? That is my gut feeling but i feel mean

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 13/09/2014 07:45

This thread has some unpleasant postings on it, the OP's daughter is just inexperienced and uncertain. She's not done it before and is looking for an easy way out of the worries.
FWIW my DS has Asperger's and so did need support and scaffolding to learn how to take trains, buy tickets and plan a route. I did that and so now he's fine with London and travelling. He can handle anywhere in the UK now, but France would be a whole new deal.
He's also an expert wild camper, took to it as naturally as breathing, He'd be very intolerant of any adult female accompanying him who squealed about spiders and the dark and robbers and rapists and how hard it was to make a campfire. He'd expect an adult to cope. But then again, he does have additional needs and empathy is a tricky skill to handle.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 13/09/2014 07:46

"not everyone is confident to travel alone especially in london where public transport can be very confusing"

Many years ago I had a placement student from the local university (with the stress on the word local) working for me for six months. He actually went to HR to complain that it was unreasonable to be asked to visit customers in London because he "wasn't from London" and "didn't use trains". It transpired that he had never, in fact, used a train because his parents drove him everywhere. There were pool cars available (oh, the joys of working for a company that also ran a fleet) but he couldn't drive. He was, what, 19, 20?

He was a nice guy, if a bit naive, and actually pretty competent. It was fairly obvious his parents had done him no favours on this as in other areas, and that they themselves virtually never left their own postcode. So for a few months we took him along with us to meetings in London even if it wasn't strictly necessary, and booked the extra travel to the training budget (including buying him a 16-25 railcard). After that he was OK, so far as I could tell, and even went on a one week course in London.

The punchline, such as it is, came some months later, when I had a long train journey somewhere with someone from HR. "Do you remember that trainee who...?", she said. It turned out that not merely had he complained to HR, but after we started taking him places on the train and expecting him to stay in hotels there had been a succession of phone calls from his parents, first his mother (weeping) then his father (yelling) then his brother, by implication older, (threatening) about the risks we were forcing him to take, how his family were worried sick all day, how they couldn't cope, etc.

Poor bloke. At the time I assumed his parents were ludicrous outliers, but now I have children of a similar age, I can see several of their contemporaries doing the same things: children that can't use trains, can't handle large cities, are driven everywhere, have to phone/text at every turn, etc, etc. They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

londonrach · 13/09/2014 07:52

About time your 24 year old dd grow up. This is london, not some dodgy city. It's alot easier to use buses etc than outside london. At 7.30pm leaving an event she been with loads of others. Did she never go to uni, travel. If not it's about time your dd grow up. Shocked a 24 year old cant travel by herself. Normal rules keeping yourself safe like not walking down a dark alley but I won't do that anywhere. In london she be with loads of people walk to a bus stop, sit on bus, get train. Simple...

MrsPnut · 13/09/2014 08:54

"not everyone is confident to travel alone especially in london where public transport can be very confusing"

Public transport is easier in London than any other town or city in the country that I have visited. (and I get around)

The bus stops in London not only tell you which buses go to which destination but also which stop to catch it from and show you a map of bus stops. They helpfully give all the bus stops in an area a letter so you can be sure that you are at the right stop and the buses have a next stop display in them so you can get off at the right place.
The tubes provide maps for each direction and give which is the next stop too as do the overground trains.

londonrach · 13/09/2014 09:06

Some bus stops in london even tell you how long you have till wait till your bus comes. As mrs says above it's very very easy....

TheHobbit · 13/09/2014 09:12

I think thats a bit harsh. She's your daughter. My mother flew 6000 miles from SA to London when I needed her and I'm 34 and was 30 then!

WellnowImFucked · 13/09/2014 09:12

I'm thick as mince when it comes to directions etc. I have got lost in my own small rural town, because I got turned around. (I blame my dyslexia. . . )

London is the one place I love wandering around, even alone. You're never far from a bus stop, tube station or train station, and if it comes to worst gab a cab.

Honestly if she wants to get in to Roller Derby she'll need to toughen up! Have you seen them? Madness!

mausmaus · 13/09/2014 09:14

yanbu at all

Hakluyt · 13/09/2014 09:16

You were unreasonable to tell her to "grow a pair"

You are not unreasonable to expect her to be able to use public transport in almond on at 7.30 at the ate of 24.

MsAnthropic · 13/09/2014 09:59

There's no point all these posters saying how they trekked to timbuktoo on their own at the age of 24 and fought off lions single handedly blah blah blah.
Actually, the posters doing that (me included) were saying they travelled on their own at a much younger age than 24.

And no-one is saying they fought off lions, nor is anyone suggesting the OP daughter should; it's catching a bus, at 7.30pm in the daughter's home country where she can speak the language on one of the safest transport systems when there will be lots of people around. It is no different to catching a bus anywhere in the UK, in many ways a lot easier.

  • There is the TFL journey planner website that provides clear instructions.
  • There are smartphone apps that tell you all the bus stops in the vicinity, their route and how long they'll be.
  • There are navigational maps for walking on phones
  • On every single bus stop in London is a number you can text to find out when the buses are arriving.
  • There is a phone information line
  • Transport information to and from venues are really well signposted
  • There will be a lot of people around to ask
  • At all major train stations there are a lot of staff to ask for help
  • There are cab offices

You do not need to be from London or a big city to do what the OP's daughter needs to do. In the absence of a learning difficulty or a social anxiety/phobia, this is basic adult competency stuff.

smokeandglitter · 13/09/2014 10:03

Haven't rtft, but live in London and have travelled at night many times. You just have to be sensible and aware.

BringMeTea · 13/09/2014 10:29

Well OP you have asserted yourself. Well done. I am speechless that you were even considering acceding to this. I am not criticizing you but the level of pandering and helicoptering (?) that seems to go on with this generation is staggering.

Catsmamma · 13/09/2014 10:38

London is NOT difficult to navigate...there is masses of information about buses, stops, where to get on, where to get off, alternative routes, tube maps

I really am a bit scandalised that a 24 year old is at such a loss about getting herself home in the early evening.

she's not going to cope in a Zombie Apocalypse!

DownByTheRiverside · 13/09/2014 10:58

'she's not going to cope in a Zombie Apocalypse!'

You think the trains and buses will be running come Zombie Armaggedon?

Gruntfuttock · 13/09/2014 10:58

Hakluyt "You are not unreasonable to expect her to be able to use public transport in almond on at 7.30 at the ate of 24."

Sorry, but that's a nutty thing to say! Wink

Catsmamma · 13/09/2014 11:05

err, Riverside no, that's kind of the point! :o

I'll have a return to Elephant and Castle, and Driver do please tell those Zombies to take their pushchairs and slack jawed vacant stares out of the wheelchair space.

FuckOffWeasel · 13/09/2014 11:07

YANBU. taxi to the train station fgs

gingee · 13/09/2014 11:36

Wow harsh comment re. Learning disability there. How unnecessary !

Fwiw I think op did the right thing she took the advice and sorted it! I'm sure after this one trip her dd will be fine and have no problem getting herself about. As op said, she's traveled around the world without help many times, maybe she just needs to do the London transport thing and get over her worries, don't think questioning the Op's parenting, calling the dd spoilt or even worse implying that she has special needs (cause everyone with special needs is hopeless and totally reliant on others to live there lives of course Hmm) is on.

Seriouslyffs · 13/09/2014 11:38

Wow Shock
This has pressed some buttons hasn't it?!
parent of oyster wielding teenagers here who still doesn't understand the vitriol Confused

MsAnthropic · 13/09/2014 11:40

How was my comment harsh?! FGS. In the absence of good reasons why someone cannot read signs, cross a road, get on a bus or follow instructions, I think those things are basic competences. Exactly how was I being harsh to anyone, and to whom?

DownByTheRiverside · 13/09/2014 12:32

Catsmama, like my DS, perhaps the OP's daughter would be better prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse than coping with the idea of an evening in London.

Plus, a girl on rollerskates could probably outdistance a zombie. Get her a hockey stick.
In fact, that's probably an even better way to deal with the crowded streets, and acquiring a seat on the underground.

DownByTheRiverside · 13/09/2014 12:37

I wonder how she is with spiders?

Original poster
LEMmingaround · 13/09/2014 12:48

Down by the riverside - she hoovers them up! Much to my ire!

I think it is very easy for people who are used to london to criticise my dd. It IS daunting and confusing and sooo many people rushing around. I go up to lo don with dp a fair bit. He is from Lewisham. I find the buses confusing. You have no way of checking if you are on the right bus once you are on. I amof the mind ah fuck it its an adventure but on my own at night? No thanks.

She is pretty independent but just isnt used to london transport.

Anyway she hasn't gone. Hmm she said the cost was toomuchasshe is goi g to chantilly next week Shock. Is that the reason? Dunno. Maybe the roller birds scared her off.

I have suggested she learn to skate before she joins up!

OP posts:
feelingmellow · 13/09/2014 12:50

Sh'll be fine. If she's nervous just remind her to have her phone charged.

Trills · 13/09/2014 12:54

Where do we think the boyfriend is on a scale from
1 - well-meaning but not doing her any favours
to
10 - deliberately abusive - keeping her dependent so she can't do anything without him
?