Very long and EPIC rant STARRING sil and 'd'p

[SlicedAndDiced]

Ok warning: If you have a short attention span or just really hate long threads look away now.

For those of you still with me here goes.

My lovely 'd'p was still up at 1am when I went for a glass of water. He had had a few too many beers and kept asking me to read his facebook messages. I said no thanks but then I got curious when I went back upstairs, maybe it was some juicy gossip? So I took a peek.

He had been talking to an old friend. But also next to this window were messages from his sister. A lovely long rant about how awful I am, how everything is my fault.

Given this is a woman I thought was lovely and had only spoken to about five times I was a bit pissed off to say the least. True, my ex is actually sil's dp's step brother but I thought we got on ok.

My dp had also in these messages tonight disclosed details about dv with my ex which has left me feeling vulnerable and super pissed off.

My temper has gotten me into trouble before (terrible potty mouth when very irate) so as I couldn't sleep I wrote out all of the things I wanted to say and then afterwards wrote a calm message to her.

This sounds anal I know, but it has really helped me work through stuff in the past. So I'm going to post the particular points of sil's messages which I took great umbridge at and what I WANTED to say.

Then I'm going to post the message I actually sent and you can tell me how unreasonable I was

Ok here goes.

I would do as stupid suggests. And ask him why he wanted you to see all those messages. He must have known that you would be hurt by them.
What is he trying to say?

glenthebattleostrich that made me laugh!

Sticky bun sounds fabulous!

I wouldn't mention MN as that may give him an excuse to attack or pass it all off as us wimmin being hysterical ;)

And I second the dog shit prayer!

No - don't show him this thread! That never ends well - as you say, it'll get derailed into a rant about feminist man-haters and internet dangers and you will be defensive and lose sight of the issues.

WHich are - why did he want you to see this convo with his sister, (don't let 'I was drunk' excuse him)
Why is he not defending you
What is HE going to do about it?

"I'm the new hate figure to bond them together in bitchiness now!"

If you can say this about your own dp, the only "decent man" you have ever known, that says a lot. How can you have a relationship with a man who is so manipulative that he colludes with his family making up stories and skews their perception of you like this?

Dont you think this perhaps is (or at least should be) the end?

NEVER show them anything on MN. NEVER.

What happens on MN stays on MN.

You've left an instance of her name in one of your OPs.

I'm really unsure why you're focusing on her rather than 'D'P. I think that you were a bit foolish to send anything to her before having it out with him.

I'm definitely not going the mn route then

Quintessentially I meant that as mil and sil. They talked (bitched) about dp's ex for years after she left. It always made me a bit uncomfortable.

Dp wasn't joining in with the bitching. But he wasn't exactly stopping it

Oh crap about the name. I thought I'd done it right this time too. Well it's quite a common name, and to be honest if it's anyone who knows me reading this it would be fairly obvious who I was anyway.

Quite quint

I overheard my SIL have a drunken rant about me one night to my dp's best female friend (my friend too). She really went to town on me. I heard every word of it. I never said anything at the time but I told my partner and he told his other sisters who happen to think (know) this one is as mad as a cut snake. I didnt speak to her for a year. I didnt show up to any of the kids birthdays or anything but at xmas I decided to just put a smile on my face and pretend it was ok. I'll never trust her and she'll never be a friend.

I think that's the plan peas.

I'll show up, smile and be polite. But deep down I will never trust them.

I'm sorry about your sil. It sucks that people can feel that level of hate for someone who hasn't done anything. If someone really doesn't like me I'd like to have done something at least worthwhile to earn it!

I would not engage with someone who spoke about me in that way. I would not turn up and smile. No.
She said outrageous things. Just because she denies it doesn't mean its not true. Thats gaslighting. Tbh they sound like a toxic bunch.

this one is known to do that after a few drinks. I've sat there and had to listen to her ranting about a teacher at her kids school or whatever.. she gets a bee in her bonnet. But it was interesting the way things were twisted in such a negative way, eg "she never phones me, she didnt speak to me for two months" - we were never that close that I would have spoken to her regularly anyway. "she never lets DP come round here" - he was around there at least 2 times a week, I was at home with a child with health problems that couldnt leave the house. etc etc. She was just projecting all her crap on to me.

Your dp sounds like a shit stirrer

So sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with this shit now.

Yes you need to talk to your P but do it when you're good and ready and when you can think clearly, whether that's today, tomorrow or another day. Maybe as pp's have said he's grieving, but it doesn't excuse not standing up for you.

I do know a bit about what it's like in your position - my SIL is a bit like yours and apparently has an issue with me. I had no idea, I thought she was lovely. One day a couple of years ago, she had a long ranty conversation with DH about me and all my failings, she brought up stuff I'd done 15 years ago, twisted everything to make it look like it was a deliberate snub to her. Most of the things she ranted about I didn't even remember doing, as far as I was concerned I'd always gone out of my way to be nice to her. When DH told me what she'd said, I was absolutely mortified - not only had she been thinking this all along, but I'd never in a million years treat anyone the way she was saying. I also felt incredibly stupid for completely misjudging her.

She does have a history of being a dramallama. At the time I didn't feel up to talking to her, so I sent one short text to say something along the lines of sorry you feel that way, I've only ever had your best interests at heart. Ever since then, I've taken several steps back. We see her every now and again but I'm all about the vacant smile and nod, try not to get into conversation etc. I just don't feel I can trust her ever again. DH thinks I've over-reacted a bit, but he wasn't the target of her fury, and as I didn't hear his side of the exchange, I've no idea if he even had my back.

The good thing is that taking a step back and being distant becomes much easier the more you do it. Recently SIL's life has fallen apart and she's going through hell. I feel bad for her and want to help her out, but tbh she's never given me any indication I can trust her again.

Sorry that was a bit long

What has your DP said about this?

I'm so sorry you have losses your DS. I've been there twice now and the second time close to death too. I understand what you mean when you say how close you felt to your DP afterwards and how big a shock this has been to you. I would expect your DP to work hard at regaining your trust and to akwknowledged the Hirt he has caused you.
What I would say is be careful not to let the angry part of grief take control.

My relationship with my MIL has never been the same since I lost first DC, she continued her friendship with DH ex-wife even after finding out she called us on the day of DS funeral to gloat and laugh at us.
My way of dealing with it was to email then telling them I was disappointed but kept it unemotional and calm and then ignored replies. Then I deleted them from facebook and changing mobile number.
Don't keep engaging with your SIL she just wants to justify her behaviour anything you say will be twisted.
Now they have to go through DH if the wish to speak to us, and DH is dreadful at keeping contact with his family. I'm polite in their company for the sake of DH but they no longer have a personal relationship with me beyond acquaintance.

Sorry littlebairn

Can't believe you haven't met her dog. Have you at least been sending it Christmas/birthday presents?

I agree that your DP has failed you here. I also have difficult in laws but DH has always, always been on my side. If that hadn't been the case we would've crumbled long ago. I would be having a very serious chat with him.

And I'm so sorry for your loss

She's a cow.

Your DP isn't coming out of this too well either. Need to know why he was so keen for you to read the thread and why he didn't ask his sister to stop slagging off his DP. Unsupportive, disloyal.

Sorry, you must be fed up with everything going on.

And I third the dog shitting on her bed.

why he didn't ask his sister to stop slagging off his DP. Unsupportive, disloyal.

The OP's DP has been in this toxic relationship with his mother and sister for much longer than the OP.

Some posters seem to forget this.

Ok I see there was a lot more you didn't put on here, that changes my opinion from earlier.

And I should have said how sorry I was for your loss too.

Sliced - I like both versions of your message - you're very witty :) I think the "clean" version is probably better in that you are not hostile in the face of her bitching - you take the high road in this version but you are also letting her know that you're aware of what she's been saying.

Honestly, I think you've just had a blessing in disguise. You now know what your sil is really like. I would proceed with the knowledge that whatever I do, she will likely be awful about me behind my back. I would take this a useful piece of information and keep contact with her to a friendly but distant minimum. I would also be careful to not bitch about her to your DP (if you can help it). It put's him in the middle and you don't want sil using that to pour poison in his ears.