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AIBU?

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Original poster

Very long and EPIC rant STARRING sil and 'd'p

100 replies

SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 04:28

Ok warning: If you have a short attention span or just really hate long threads look away now.

Grin For those of you still with me here goes.

My lovely 'd'p was still up at 1am when I went for a glass of water. He had had a few too many beers and kept asking me to read his facebook messages. I said no thanks but then I got curious when I went back upstairs, maybe it was some juicy gossip? So I took a peek.

He had been talking to an old friend. But also next to this window were messages from his sister. A lovely long rant about how awful I am, how everything is my fault.

Given this is a woman I thought was lovely and had only spoken to about five times I was a bit pissed off to say the least. True, my ex is actually sil's dp's step brother but I thought we got on ok.

My dp had also in these messages tonight disclosed details about dv with my ex which has left me feeling vulnerable and super pissed off.

My temper has gotten me into trouble before (terrible potty mouth when very irate) so as I couldn't sleep I wrote out all of the things I wanted to say and then afterwards wrote a calm message to her.

This sounds anal I know, but it has really helped me work through stuff in the past. So I'm going to post the particular points of sil's messages which I took great umbridge at and what I WANTED to say.

Then I'm going to post the message I actually sent and you can tell me how unreasonable I was Wink

Ok here goes.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 12/09/2014 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kinkywife · 12/09/2014 07:57

A two year old dog you have never met?!!?!

Jesus what a despicable person you are...

NynaevesSister · 12/09/2014 07:58

I'd take the ultra calm and composed route. Don't react emotionally to anything he says. Just try to talk him through. Stately Homes folks may be able to give you advice on how to deal with this because the sorts of strategies normal people would use in this situation are beyond his ability.

MidniteScribbler · 12/09/2014 08:02

I think you're focusing on the wrong villain here. OK, she may be a bitch, but it was your husband who engaged in the conversation with her, and the person who forced you to read it. I'd worry less about her part in this and take a very hard look at your marriage.

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:02

Hi HavanaSlife Smile yes I remember you. The messages are all on facebook, I suppose I could take a screenshot for future reference.

I'm just going to forget about it. I was trying to be reasonable, maybe sort things out. But there's no point is there, I'm the new hate figure to bond them together in bitchiness now. I could piss out rainbows and buy her dog a house and I'd still be a show off bitch with a messy show off urinary habit and habit of bribing canines to like her.

I feel like she didn't actually read anything I put?

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 12/09/2014 08:03

On some level at least he knows his family are wrong here. He's gone to them in a time he desperately needs support - you both lost a child! And this is what they turn it into?

A dog you haven't seen for five years???

This was all only five weeks ago. I appreciate that nursemaiding him at this point is NOT what you need. But it might be something that needs to be addressed to save your own family.

Cannot believe how warped these people are to be acting like this when you two are going through something this awful.

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:03

I'll just keep quite and practice my blank happy face some more.

OP posts:
RJnomore · 12/09/2014 08:06

Ok what I am getting from her comments to her brother is actually quite a bit of pain, whether you realise it or not she is feeling like she's being edged out and you are contradicting yourself by saying you thought she was lovely until you read the messages then saying in your "rant" that she's a bitch and that'd why your sisters get round to visit more often.

Your rage seems disproportionate to me, my default position here would be to be upset that I seemed to have hurt someone that I had thoguht was nice and not immediately react with anger and bile and vitriol (I do realise you didn't send it). And why be two faced, your words not mine, why not calm down, go see her face to face and try to have a civilised convspersation about why she is hurt?

Also maybe she did just get on better with the ex genuinely. I have a friend with a partner I don't like but I know he is good for her and makes her happy, whereas I got on brilliantly with her last partner but he was a terrible bf. I miss being able to do couple things together but I know things are better for her now.

I think tbh you have much more of a problem with the mil...

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:09

I'm still shocked to be honest.

Mil I expect it from.

But thought sil was lovely. His has been a real shocker and not at the best time.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/09/2014 08:12

I think you're focusing on the wrong villain here. OK, she may be a bitch, but it was your husband who engaged in the conversation with her, and the person who forced you to read it. I'd worry less about her part in this and take a very hard look at your marriage

This^

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:12

Sil was friends with partners ex.

But was incredibly bitchy about her, she never liked her, always thought she was scum.

In my rant I put that my sisters weren't bitches like her but that was after I read those messages. Genuinely hand on heart she has never been unwelcome in our home. I've never excluded her, I just don't know where this has all come from.

She is invited to everything everyone else is, parties, bbqs, Christmas etc. but she never wanted to come. So I never saw any problem.

I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:16

I agree. Dp asked me to read it, dp did not shut her down at any point. And for that I am definitely angry at him.

I'm also angry at sil. She was really quite venomous about me. The points earlier are just highlights. It was literally a 'Sliced is horrible and responsible for everything that is shit' diatribe for about an hour and a half.

I'm mad at both of them.

Bah, mad isn't even the right word anymore. I'm just tired.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/09/2014 08:17

It's incredibly disloyal of him. I would start with a full and frank discussion with him, then her.

Thumbwitch · 12/09/2014 08:23

I'd start with "what was your intention in getting me to read that conversation with your sister?" and don't let him weasel out of answering it. Then you can explain how reading all that made you feel, about her, about the situation, about his loyalty.
Then see what happens.

ChasedByBees · 12/09/2014 08:26

A heart to heart with your DP is needed.

  • why on earth he wanted you to read that
  • Why he shared your personal information about DV
  • why he didn't stand up for you more
  • what levelling was he intending to do on his birthday? And why don't you feature in his birthday plans?

He seems pretty disloyal. Maybe this is his way of defusing things - to go along and smooth things rather than confront bu he needs to know how hurtful it looks and how it could make his SIL feel like he agrees.

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:27

Yes we have to have that conversation.

He is still in bed, sleeping off a raging hangover.

Am I a wimp for just not wanting to do this today. I mean I know it has to be done, I just feel so raw at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:29

That's how I feel Sad

Dp has been the only decent man I've known. We were best friends years before getting together.

Its corny but it feels all of a sudden like the man who always had my back isn't there anymore.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 12/09/2014 08:32

I wonder why the exgf was so difficult about contact? Was it because she didn't want her dd to have contact with SIL/MIL? They both sound two-faced, bitchy and poisonous.

BUT - your dp needs to keep them at arms length, to be the mediator. Not you. It's his family.

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:36

I'm not sure captain.

Can honestly say I have never seen mil or sil be anything but doting towards sd and dd. Trust me if they had been vicious I would find great joy in cutting them out for good at the moment.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/09/2014 08:36

Im so sorry for your loss.

Talk to your sisters.

Stupidhead · 12/09/2014 08:40

Can you write everything out for him to read when you get up and take your DD out for the day and spoil yourselves? That would stop any potential fireworks from you immediately and give him time to read and re-read while he mends his head. But print out the whole convos you and sil had.

Have a mooch around town and a sticky bun in a cafe, loved doing that when mine were tiny!

Sister77 · 12/09/2014 08:41

Sorry for your loss op.
No words of wisdom because I'm not very wise! just hugs x

Stupidhead · 12/09/2014 08:44

^^ when HE gets up! Sorry x

glenthebattleostrich · 12/09/2014 08:46

No advice but have to say what a shower of shits. Who writes that about / to a family who are grieving?

I hope SILs dog shits all over her bed (but then I'm a bitch!!)

So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
SlicedAndDiced · 12/09/2014 08:47

The whole conversation me and sil had is on here Grin

Maybe I should just show him this?

But as he's never really approved of my mumsnet habit I've got a feeling he may try to deflect the conversation by moaning about that.

I will go out. I think if he dares to moan at me about his privacy on an anonymous Internet forum when he has discussed details of domestic violence I've suffered that only he and mumsnet know about with two people who are slagging me off I may stop being so rational about it.

OP posts:
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