Very long and EPIC rant STARRING sil and 'd'p

[SlicedAndDiced]

Ok warning: If you have a short attention span or just really hate long threads look away now.

For those of you still with me here goes.

My lovely 'd'p was still up at 1am when I went for a glass of water. He had had a few too many beers and kept asking me to read his facebook messages. I said no thanks but then I got curious when I went back upstairs, maybe it was some juicy gossip? So I took a peek.

He had been talking to an old friend. But also next to this window were messages from his sister. A lovely long rant about how awful I am, how everything is my fault.

Given this is a woman I thought was lovely and had only spoken to about five times I was a bit pissed off to say the least. True, my ex is actually sil's dp's step brother but I thought we got on ok.

My dp had also in these messages tonight disclosed details about dv with my ex which has left me feeling vulnerable and super pissed off.

My temper has gotten me into trouble before (terrible potty mouth when very irate) so as I couldn't sleep I wrote out all of the things I wanted to say and then afterwards wrote a calm message to her.

This sounds anal I know, but it has really helped me work through stuff in the past. So I'm going to post the particular points of sil's messages which I took great umbridge at and what I WANTED to say.

Then I'm going to post the message I actually sent and you can tell me how unreasonable I was

Ok here goes.

Thank you thumb. Yes it only seems like yesterday

Maybe that's why I'm taking all of this so badly, I don't know.

Don't worry about being in that armchair, I diagnose the lot of them with that too!

Me too Fox

I spent a good hour or so frothing myself quietly.

I thought if I tried to resolve it then it would help me get some sleep.

If it carries on I've got no idea what to do. And I've got an awful feeling it will just be something else I've 'done' in a week or so.

I know it's self obsessed to think people haven't got anything to do but bitch about you but... well I've seen them do it to someone before. I think my ears will be burning all the time now.

I don't think you sound like hard work at all, you sound reasonable, and are putting your daughter's rights to a good relationship with her family above your own. I feel so upset for you that your SIL has targeted you in this way just weeks after losing your son. I also think it's terrible that your dp didn't support you and protect you but instead goaded you into looking. Wtf is he in the spare room? He should be with you backing you up and reassuring you.

Maybe your P wanted you to see the messages because he knew you'd do something about it - maybe the poison she's tipping into his ears is hurting him too, but he doesn't know how to tell her to FTFO? After all, he's lost his son too and I would expect him to be sad and hurting as well (although without the hormones) - but I'm trying to be kind to him because of the loss you've both had, he might just be a kipper (spineless and two faced) and not worth my sympathy.

Thumbwitch has a good point, and is right about him grieving too. In your shoes, I'd still like to understand what his motives were in showing you though and why he has holed himself up in the spare room.

I really don't know what his motivations were. I am veering between does he want to hurt me? And then again it could be your explanation too Thumbwitch

He is in the spare room because he went to get into bed with me and I asked him not to. I'm angry at sil mostly but him too. it keeps going around in my head.

Why did he want me to lookand why did he seem so...upbeat about it? Why would he talk to people I barely know about what my ex used to do to me?

It's just really come out of the blue.

It's just so odd.

I know he is grieving terribly, we all are. And it makes people act weird I guess. I just really don't understand.

We will have to talk when he gets up. I'm calm enough to do that rationally now. I wasn't at 1am this morning.

Grief does make you behave so strangely I think you are being so rational about all this. I hope you can get to the bottom of things in the morning

My mother talks like your mil, it IS poisonous. She'd also try and bitch with me about my brothers partners but be nice as pie to their faces. It's nasty and I just don't play. I think your email shows restraint compared to the first one, (I was sat open go bed thinking argh hope she didn't send that!!!), but you have just opened a whole can whoop arse on them, expect fireworks. You have to get DP to back you up, in private and in public.

Families can be so shit x

I'm trying I don't feel restrained. I feel all drained out now, but writing it all down, the part I wanted to say while I was fuming, has really helped.

Just feel sad about it all now.

Stupidhead yes it is very poisonous. I don't think dp will ever see it though. She's his mum, he loves her. But I can see this driving us apart.

I just feel like his family wants me gone.

Sliced, I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking.

And you don't sound unhinged AT ALL.

Try to just get through today - make a point of not thinking and acting on this situation because no wise move can be made when you're this exhausted. No sleep, and a whole lot of energy used to vent safely, then form a restrained reply to that toxic SIL will have left you sapped.

You need to build up your reserves to make you stronger.

Thank you HexBramble, yes you are right. I've got no energy left today and dd will be stirring soon. I'm really not even looking forward to discussing this with dp.

I might try and get a nap in later when dd has one. ( I bet today is the day she won't have any of it )

First time I've stayed up all night for a long time!

Sliced, yes. Some sleep is needed.
Things can wait until later.

To be honest, you have learnt a valuable lesson from your In laws. They cannot be trusted to honour you. Yes, that's sad but it says more about them. Some folk need to have a witch in the family to berate.

I'd be asking your DP why he felt it was necessary to share such personal info with people who clearly have no time for you. That's what would worry me the most tbh. You can keep everyone else at arms length (smile sweetly when you see them etc), but your DP isn't honouring you at all from the sound of it. I hope I'm wrong though. Maybe he needs some home truths.

And, FWIW, I bet the true version of events with regards to his ex are very different to their version.

Either way, you've said your piece to SIL. The ball is very firmly in your court. Gather your energy today.

You are right, I'm going to stay away from my messages today. I'll hide in the safe bunker of mumsnet if I get an urge to go online!

Yes I've decided to completely ignore anything they have told me about dp's ex. After all, look at what they would be saying about me!

Dp has really bruised my trust in him. After what happened with our son I felt closer to him than ever. But he has been distant the past couple of days...I'm wondering if his family have anything to do with it now. Or maybe that's the lack of sleep making me paranoid.

I know I've said it before but really, what is he playing at?

Look at it like this. He has grown up in this family. The incredibly warped way his mother behaves has been all he and his sister have know. He wanted you to read all this because he doesn't know of any other way to handle the situation. He has probably had to learn to survive in this toxic family by learning a set of behaviours that really aren't healthy.

He purposely showed you this because he needed you to see it. He doesn't know how to do this any other way.

Personally I think you need to sit down with him and talk it all through. You need to get couples counselling and you also need to get him some help.

People mention a Stately Homes thread on FB quite often. A visit there might give you an idea of the damage that toxic parents can do and also how they can warp a person's view of what is normal and acceptable.

Thanks NynaevesSister, I think I need to take a look at that!

I've tried to talk about it before with dp, but I think he just takes it as an attack on them and instantly goes on the defensive, no matter how I try to phrase it. I'd given up to be honest before all this happened.

There is a lot of toxic behaviour stemming from mil. But I really have lost hope of dp ever ever seeing it. I'll just be the evil witch whatever I do won't i

Maybe that thread will help.

That SIL is a total bitch. I wouldn't even bother trying to justify or explain to her as she's created a narrative starring you that is bollocks but suits her purpose for some reason, she isn't going to change it. However, your DP, what was he playing at? The tone of his replies, the way he woke you up to read the message? What the fuck?

Yep that pretty much sums up exactly the way I'm feeling right now.

What the fuck?

not sure if you are aware but i can still see a name in the second post so it might be wise to get it removed by HQ

Yeah the Stately Homes thread on here is a lifesaver for me!

What an ass he is? What the hell is his motivation?

Damn it shouldn't have looked.

Message back from SIL.

'Sliced I have never, ever had a problem with you. I never have a problem coming up yours but like I said it works both ways. I have a two year old dog you have never met. I have to go to work now but I suggest you read back our conversation. Bro is lucky I'm not a nervous wreck'

I have not answered. And I will not at all. But...

Lucky you are not a nervous wreck! What about me! And you listed your problems with me AT LENGTH IN WRITTEN FORMAT! And you specifically state you have got a problem coming to my house.

Oh sod it. I'm not engaging with this anymore. There is no point is there.

Hi sliced, you dont need this shite atm. Your sil sounds like a bitch, she sgould be supporting you right now. Is she a bit of a fucking drama queen , she sounds it.

Your dp should be having words with her, its a vulnerable time for you and hr needs to tell her to fuck off.

Your message was fine, Im not sure I could heve been so restrained so soon after loosing my son. ( we spoke on your other thread)

Did you take screen shots of the conversation. I definitely would.

And I'd reply 'Oh that's so good to hear! Happy to know you'll be popping by soon.'

And then ignore her. Time now to focus on you and your other half and what all this means for your relationship. SiL and MiL are nothing in the greater scheme. Only your family is important.