To have "leaned in" to my career when my baba is so young?

[Foolishlady]

Feeling a bit bad about it... Have just changed jobs because I was miserable in my last job, wasn't respected, had a control freak boss (although we were starting to get on better), male colleague being promoted over me.... So I've just started a new job which is interesting and busy and which I want to do really well in. But my ds is only 20 months old and part of me feels I should be concentrating on him now. Most women take their foot off the pedal for the young kids years don't they? I took a bit of a paycut for this job, and also less holidays, and if I had stayed in my old job I could have to a certain extent coasted (although even coasting did require fairly long hours), took another lengthy maternity leave & then tried to go down to a 4 day week, before ramping it up again in maybe 5 years time.4 day week not possible in new job & don't want to be going off on maternity for another 18 months - and would feel bad taking a long period off. Really want to prove to myself that I'm not as crap as the last place made me feel! Also didn't feel I could wait to move in case another job opportunity like this didn't come up again. Has anyone else refocused on their career quickly after the birth of a child? Did you feel bad about it?

No one else? I guess most people did ease off on the career to focus on babies?

Do what you think is best for your family.
Nobody can judge you for changing jobs, it's your choice.

Lots I'd imagined. But they might be too busy to post on MN

You're doing nothing wrong! Well done for taking a decisive step. It's important for you to be happy and fulfilled and change is good. Take it as it comes and if you feel the new job isn't working out look at other options then. I always hear that it gets harder time-wise when they're schools I maybe now is the right time.

Anyway I went back FT and never considered PT at all. I love my work and I think that's the important part for me.

I hear the same thing about school. Not there yet so I will find out next year.

I think I would feel better if I was confident about his childcare but it hasn't worked out the way I had hoped - caregivers getting ill and stuff so not the continuity I was hoping for, really saddened. And he really prefers his dad, makes me feel like he hasn't bonded to me! The hours should actually be more regular in the new job, it's just the delay to having another child and the lack of opportunity to go down to a 4 day week - argh, working mother guilt!

I changed nubs while on maternity leave and started new job whe. Dc1 was 8 months old. It is a demanding job and I carry responsibility, I enjoy that though. Having an interesting job where I can achieve helps me be a good mum, being at work often feels like 'me time' and when it's going well I come back to DC1 (now 15 months) refreshed from having expressed that side of me.

it is well paid, flexible and my new boss sought me out to hire and said 'I know you are a first time mum tell me what you need to make this work'. I work four days a week with one of those from home.

You need to do what's right for you, that will be right for your family. There's no 'should' about it.

Can you explore what you are worried / feel guilty about a bit more? If you're happy and your son is happy and it works for your family, great! Well done you.

If something isn't balanced well, you might be able to negotiate for more. They chose to hire you, be confident in that and don't make unasked for sacrifices - will they really care or notice when you go on maternity leave, or how long for? Most employers are well aware of their obligations and are at least philosophical about it.

We plan another and this time, now I'm in a better more secure job I will take a year off and enjoy it. I will likely be very loyal to this job as they are being good to me. That's a great benefit for my employer in terms of my commitment to go back and recommit after DC2 comes along.

I think you maybe need to be more confident in your abilities and choices and worry less about what other people think. I'm sure that's what La Sandberg would tell you!

Don't feel bad. Men's careers carry on regardless of children and if that's what's best for you then it is. But you really do need cast-iron childcare if it's not going to be massively stressful (I didn't and it was). Can you sort that out?

Other thing is reducing your days if you want to. Any chance you can work from home one day a week so you can cut out the commute? I went back FT when my DS was a year but worked from home one day a week.

'Leaned in' 'baba' is there a prize for unbelievably cringe worthy thread titles.

YANBU.

I suggested a 4 day week when discussing being hired but was told it wasn't a possibility - if I have another baby I might try again. My new boss is really lovely but has no children and came from a workplace without flexible practices (eg no 4 day weeks in general). Agree that I need to find childcare I'm happy with, it's such a stress! The commute, at least, isn't a problem, by design - approx 15 mins each way at the mo. That helps.

Elephants - ha, probably not but cos of that book leaning in felt like the quickest way of describing what it felt like I was doing! Maybe focusing on my career might have been a better way of describing it. And he is my baba, no apologies for that one..

Agree Elephants, OP yabu for the thread title alone!

The rest I can't comment on.

YANBU. Worst mistake I ever made was going back 4 days a week after DC1 - same amount of work for 20% less pay and 99% less respect / career development. Still was working on my day off / called into meetings / on calls - yet perceived as a part-timer. When I left, they replaced my 'part-time' role with two FT men

I moved jobs when DC1 was older - sideways development but higher salary and more opportunities with the new company. I work 5 days a week and am going back earlier after DC2 and it's fine.

I had DC1 during the recession of 2008 - the world has changed drastically, my career and industry has changed beyond recognition - I need to keep my skills up to date and professional experience relevant if I am to compete. You can say that part-time or flexible workers are still entitled to the same progression and career development but the reality is different, in the commercial sector at least.

The women I know who had their babies and went part-time did not come back at the same level, and wouldn't come back at all if they took career breaks. One who was my peer 5 years ago, now does PT job at minimum wage - not out of choice. Think about what would happen if your partner was made redundant, became seriously ill or left. A career isn't a self-indulgent 'nice to have' for women in the world we live in - it's necessary if you are to keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table for the next 30 years or more.

My babies are amazing, and I treasure every minute I spend with them (well, most ) - and that is why I want to make sure their future is as secure as possible and that they grow up with a strong work ethic. It's a really mean world out there - I can't imagine choosing to make myself less employable or take a lower salary while I am at the height of my earning potential.

Most women I know have only become more career-focused and prolific since having children. If anyone was going to 'ease off' in our household, it wasn't going to be me...

I had an opportunity come up when Ds2 was 10m old. It would have been daft to have declined it. Long term it is advantageous, even if it feels like I'm burning the candle at both ends and in the middle at times.

I eased off after dd. but it wasn't so much because I wanted to focus on her as because she is a terrible sleeper and I couldn't manage my old hours.

if you have the energy to go for it then do!

I haven't eased off - instead I am going pretty much full throttle. Everyone I know who has gone part time has frankly been screwed over as per TondelayoSchwarzkopf's first paragraph.

Just search for Xenia's posts.

Where is Xenia now?

Namechanged!

Haven't seen her posting for a while. But elizabeth your post made me curious!

Yanbu. You have to do whats right for you and your family regardless of what 'most women' do.
I think you do need to sort out reliable childcare though, as that will take a huge weight off your mind.
I say all this as someone who took her foot so far off the pedal I can't even see the car anymore!
Some of the comments about how detrimental going pt can be for your career make me really sad, but unfortunately it does seem to be a fact of life in some sectors

Plenty of babies appear to prefer their dad, so don't stress about that, 20 months is a common time to prefer one parent over another, but when it comes down to it, when he is upset, there is nothing like a mummy's arms... I think if you look at the situation objectically, you might find that you are holding yourself back a bit as you feel guilty but put down the guilt!

I am 4 days a week, and I have managed to make it work, but you have to be in the right job and have the hide of a rhino to deflect the occassional snide comment/look about being a part-timer! I also have a busy day-off, with obligations, so I never do any work on my day off...