To have "leaned in" to my career when my baba is so young?

[Foolishlady]

Feeling a bit bad about it... Have just changed jobs because I was miserable in my last job, wasn't respected, had a control freak boss (although we were starting to get on better), male colleague being promoted over me.... So I've just started a new job which is interesting and busy and which I want to do really well in. But my ds is only 20 months old and part of me feels I should be concentrating on him now. Most women take their foot off the pedal for the young kids years don't they? I took a bit of a paycut for this job, and also less holidays, and if I had stayed in my old job I could have to a certain extent coasted (although even coasting did require fairly long hours), took another lengthy maternity leave & then tried to go down to a 4 day week, before ramping it up again in maybe 5 years time.4 day week not possible in new job & don't want to be going off on maternity for another 18 months - and would feel bad taking a long period off. Really want to prove to myself that I'm not as crap as the last place made me feel! Also didn't feel I could wait to move in case another job opportunity like this didn't come up again. Has anyone else refocused on their career quickly after the birth of a child? Did you feel bad about it?

charitybelle it is very said isn't it? Have you read sandberg's book? I feel the change to more family friendly practice isn't going to happen until more mothers get into position of power. Too many men in management passed off childcare and family resposibilties completely to their partners. They see anyone who needs to care for children or parents as not committed to their work.

I'm lucky my manager is ok. But I have been to a one week training course where I got a bollicking from the trainer because I couldn't reliably make a 9am start. I am only at most 15min late. And it's not like I'm disturbing the 5 or so participants going in late. But he couldn't understand I couldn't be there on time when nursery starts at 8 and the commute is about 1 hour.

And yes my DD prefers daddy. Nothing I could do about it. I just look at it philosophically that she has to either prefer me or DH. It's 50/50!

I went back to work full-time when ds was 5 months old. I had no choice - I was the sole wage earner and had the mortgage and bills to pay.

But I love work and didn't consider doing anything else. At that point in time I had just started a higher level job with more responsibility, so was definitely focussed on my career and couldn't imagine not going back and getting on with it.

Looking back (10 years on) I wouldn't change anything - I'm still at the same job (with a few tweaks to it) and still love it. I suppose I've slightly 'cruised' in that I've not got any higher up, but I have done a part-time secondment for 3 years working in London (am in Manchester) and thoroughly enjoyed it.

So.... I'd say if you love working and your career is important to you, then go for it. I couldn't have a stronger bond with ds's - they've grown up knowing I work full-time and that's all they know.

DD2 is nearly 1, and I've been back at work for about a month. I'm just about to apply for a major promotion, full time whereas I'm part time at the moment. I have been worrying myself over it, and going back and forth between whether I want to go for it or not. My girls are still both quite little, and I don't want to miss out on seeing them grow up. But then I think, well actually, my days at home with them are spent doing a large chunk of housework and laundry, promotion would mean we get a cleaner. We could also afford a second small car, so when I am off with them, we can go more places, do more things. Both girls are happy in their current childcare, our CM is lovely! So I'm going for it, and hoping to god I at least get an interview! (or that my boss gets it, then I can have THAT job! )

Sorry, meant to add, so no, YANBU! :)

I've worked full time all the time apart from maternity leave And 6 months after returning from having ds. I don't regret it at all and am hoping to focus on my career even more now they're both at school

I "leaned out" to an extent - I took VR from a fairly high paying role (although in fainress a few months down the line it would probably have been compulsory redundnacy anyway). I took a lower paying job in what I thought was a more family friendly role and then when DC2 came along I went part time.

Oh the time with the kids was fabulous - I grant you that. And life was easier.

But, the financial hit - even though I'd done all of the calculations and thought we could afford it - was horrific. It consumed so much of my time and energy (constantly shopping around, batch baking, horror when I realised either of the DC had had a growing spurt and needed new shoes, terror if an unexpectedly high bill came in, very nearly had to contemplate selling our house).

We've come out the other side now (maninly because the kids are older and I'm back at work ft) but it was 8 years of stressing over money - it's a long time to be constantly on edge.

Different choices bring different problems and rewards. There's no ideal guilt free answer out there.

I also kept full time hours, apart from while with dc2. Provided you have good childcare, back up or flexible bosses for when everything goes wrong (which it will, at least once!) You'll be fine as long as it what you want to be doing.

School is a totally different kettle of fish and I'm now considering part time hours as there is so much stuff to try and squeeze into the week. Or a nanny to do the running round for me!

YANBU

I took a more senior job with more responsibility whilst on mat leave and I work full time. The higher pay enables us to have a nanny which makes a huge difference.

Watching colleagues, 4 day weeks SOUND great but in practice as another poster said, you get less pay but as much work and a lot less respect/career development. And I think people are more willing to give flex around the edges when you're FT.

And he really prefers his dad, makes me feel like he hasn't bonded to me!

I am a SAHM. My DS2 has never been in childcare. He tolerates me during the day and clings to his father whenever he's home. They go through phases on who they prefer, so I don't think your going back to work has anything to do with it.

< whispers > What does "leaned" in mean?

Confession: I only clicked on this because I saw the start of it on Most Active and thought the thread title was going to read something like: "To have leaned into my colleague's left breast by accident whilst reaching for a custard cream without her accusing me of being a lesbian" or similar.

We need a [Bemused and disappointed] emoticon.

Yes I would never drop to 4 days a week as I think you're expected to cover a full-time job on fewer hours with less pay...

However, going down to 3 days a week in a few years' time would be my dream - nothing to do with ds's, more me wanting a break

Another wohp/sahp debate. yawn. You need to find more positive and imaginative things to do with your free time Op. If you are not happy with your choices, don't try to project your negativity onto others.

I think the only change will come when men start demanding flexible hours to contribute to childcare. To expect only women to go part time or modify their contracts is instituionalised sexism. Ironically, in my experience, it is men with traditional manual jobs that tend to work flexibly and do more childcare.

I also think we should do more as a society to stop the encroachment of work into our personal time. In the US they call this Employer Theft - if you work more than the contracted hours your company is stealing money from you. Let's call it what it is and stop the culture of presenteeism - it does not make us more productive individually or as a nation.

I went back FT at 6 mo and then 6 mo later was made redundant (whole company folded) so had to find a new job and prove myself in a new environment etc. which took a certain amount of focus. New company very flexible and family friendly though, but job involves quite a bit of travel, as does DH's so we have to be really careful about arrangements for that. I've been here 2.5 yrs now and DD is 3.6, and am ready to start pushing for the next level, which I guess will take more focus than I've given things for the past 12 months. I do feel guilty sometimes, but I think that's cultural really - nobody asks new fathers how they feel about returning to work when they have young children, and most men don't agonise about this type of thing in the same way women do.

So YANBU!

Nobody's talking about SAHM Sweet, you're the one who is projecting. This is a chat by WOHP about the benefits and risks of focusing on career development while your DC are small.

Please try harder in future

I took my foot off the pedal. Plenty don't, and everything works out fine.

here you go Balloon. Get with the times, eh?

Forget what you think you should be doing because a lot of that is rooted in historical bollocks of what women should be, think and feel.

IME people do what is best for their families and those who genuinely feel they are making the best of things and can see their child is happy have the greatest satisfaction.

So you're doing the right thing because it's right for you and your family. No need to feel guilty - actually you should feel proud. What a great example you're setting :)

YANBU. I've always worked full time. Could only take 6 months mat leave with both DD's. However pretty much all my colleagues over the years who've come back to work part time have either left (part time hours rarely means part time work levels) or have not attained the level of career they started out on.
Don't feel bad. It is possible to have a career and raise children, it's just a bit of a juggling act. Keep your chin up!

Seems like leaning in this case just means working full time. Lots of people do it. Why aren't you comfortable with the decision you have made and what is the job and how many hours per week do you work?

Watching colleagues, 4 day weeks SOUND great but in practice as another poster said, you get less pay but as much work and a lot less respect/career development

I have to say, I know this is often the case with 4 day weeks but it hasn't been my experience. I work 4 days a week, get paid 80% of my old rate and I do 80% of the work I used to do. It's true that I have lost promotion prospects (for now) but right now I wouldn't want to have that more senior position anyway. So for me it has worked out.

But, I think my position is different from many 4 dayers because 1) my employer is actually very keen to see it work (they want to be able to say they are flexible/women friendly etc, and I am one of the few part timers) and 2) I'm lucky in that I don't need the job financially... so I can be quite firm about saying No to more work without feeling like I'm risking the mortgage. Both those things help keep my hours sensible.

Anyway bit of a tangent to the OP, sorry!

I think leaning in means pushing for career development, higher salary, promotion.

Wow a lot of harsh and irrelevant response to the OP regarding thread title etc.

It does depend on your job. I work 3.5 days in a high stress job because if I worked FT I'd be working 50-60 hours a week. On my current arrangement I manage about 35-40 hours. I've lost some promotion prospects but I simply couldn't manage the hours that FT would demand with 2 small DC.