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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have my DC at the home birth of their sibling?

58 replies

BabylonPoo · 11/09/2014 22:08

There's a few weeks left until my due date and I'm having a home birth because my last DD was born very quickly in the end (only minutes after my waters broke when they'd been about to send me home.) My 2 yo has just been referred for assessment for ASD and would be absolutely hysterical at being cared for by anyone but DH and I as she is non-verbal and very wary of people. My 7 yo is very excited and interested in the birth, though obviously has the freedom to go off and play in her room/ability to say she's seen enough.

My friend had known I was having a home birth but assumed the DC would be elsewhere. She thinks they'll be traumatised and shouldn't be there. AIBU to have them there, for as long as they want to be there?

OP posts:

EmeraldLion · 11/09/2014 22:11

Personally I think yanbu. Your 2 year old won't understand enough to know you need to be left alone and the 7 year old is old enough to be terrified.

It's a lot a bit icky to say the least. Not something I'd want my dc seeing.

LiverpoolLou · 11/09/2014 22:13

When I had DS the midwives were extremely concerned about DD being there. They were extremely worried about the effect it would have on her when she eventually wants children of her own. She was 19 at the time.

bumpybecky · 11/09/2014 22:13

I had three home births, dd1 slept through dd2 being born and dds 1,2 and 3 slept through ds being born! dd3's birth was in daytime and dd1&2 were out of the house.

I don;t think you are BU to have them in the house, but you need to think about extra adults there, either to look after them if they need to leave the room you're birthing in or to be with you if your DH needs to leave you to look after them. Unless you're happy for it just to be you and MW(s)?

babyiwantabump · 11/09/2014 22:14

My daughter was with me - she was /is 9 . I had my mum there just for her just incase she felt it was too much and she would come and go as she pleased throughout the labour ( it was only about 2 hours long anyway) she was there at the birth and loves to tell everyone that she was the first person to see her baby brothers face . She loved it and says if I have another she wants to be there again . It was anything but traumatic for her . She does wind me up about my shouting and screaming during the pushing stage though and she calls me a wimp as that's not what it's like on TV! (In my defence he was nearly 11lb!)

I had prepared her in advance with what to expect but still have her the choice to be there or leave if she wanted . I thought that was very important so that she would understand and not be frightened .

Sorry if seems garbled am on my mobile

babyiwantabump · 11/09/2014 22:15

*gave

puntasticusername · 11/09/2014 22:15

Not sure if YABU or not tbh but if you do decide to do it, you will need a backup plan in case you do have to unexpectedly transfer to hospital. Which can happen during any birth, for a variety of unanticipated reasons.

papercliplover · 11/09/2014 22:16

What is your plan for if something terrible goes wrong?

babyiwantabump · 11/09/2014 22:16

FFS this is what I meant :

I thought it was important for her to know what to expect . And also important for her to have the ability to leave if she didn't want to be there .

Ericaequites · 11/09/2014 22:17

It's too scary and primal for young children to see their mum suffer. On the other hand, every thirteen year old should see the Lamaze video I was shown in ninth grade. It's worthwhile for all genders, as it shows the consequences of heterosexual intercourse. Girls don't get pregnant all by themselves!

ElephantsNeverForgive · 11/09/2014 22:19

DD1(3) slept through DD2's birth. Didn't seem worth waking her up and dragging babysitter, 20 miles at midnight in mid winter.

She wandered in as I delivered the placenta, ignored me totally and went to admire her sister.

The MWs didn't bat an eye lid. I honestly don't remember them asking where she was. I assume they remembered she existed as she'd been at every appointment and, by chance, I got my normal MW.

Dontlaugh · 11/09/2014 22:19

Yanbu.
However, there are practicalities to be considered. I've had 2 home births. For Hb 1, I truly did not get into proper labour til DS had left the property. This is not uncommon. We are so worried and concerned about our children, of course, we will relax when they are looked after and we (as mothers) don't have to think about them and can concentrate on birth.
Second birth was a hospital transfer and relatives had to come and mind children. Again, something to think about.
I'm a huge fan of home birth. I'm also a huge fan of catastrophe planning .
Amazingly, both are very hand in hand!

Lucylouby · 11/09/2014 22:20

I had two home births. I wouldn't have wanted my older children there for the actual birth. Things can change so quickly (and did in my case) I wouldn't have wanted children there when it was all stressful. (Dd had passed mechonium, paramedics in the kitchen, nearly had to transfer, everything was fine in the end, but dd1 would have panicked with all the confusion. I struggled to stay calm so I doubt dd would have.). As it was the children slept through each birth. We woke dd1 minutes after dc3 was born and we knew everything was ok. She was the second person to hold her sister, before DH even. It was very special. That was what worked for our family.

I don't think a normal, straightforward, quick birth (like I had with my first hb) would be traumatic at all. It was a lovely calm experience and a child would have been fine watching it. But you don't know how you are going to be in this labour, so I wouldn't want my other children there and would keep my fingers crossed that I went into labour in the night and was quite quick.

Momagain1 · 11/09/2014 22:21

Keeping them away from the business end of things is easy enough. I dont see them seeing traumatising things as an issue. whether or not you will behave in ways that will confuse and upset them is the thing to consider. raising your voice is right out, moaning and groaning might need to be kept to a minimum, that sort of thing.

I think it would be a very good idea that there be someone in the house whose primary task is to deal with them. A grandmother maybe? If they want to be in with you, she comes with. If they need to be somewhere else, whether to be fed or tucked in bed, or cared for in case of emergency, she is prepared for that.

Ask your midwife how others handle it.

LynetteScavo · 11/09/2014 22:22

I had DD at home partly because I had no childcare, and wanted DH with me.

DS2 was 2yo, and woke up just before DD was born. DH brought him into the room. It wasn't at all scary for him, but then I wasn't suffering.

6yo DS1 was asleep...tbh he would have probably have been more interested in a DVD than me giving birth.

Vacillating · 11/09/2014 22:23

My plan allows that dp may have to be with kids not me but actually I think you are down to plan as you are. Most Hb babies come at night- here is hoping!

ReallyTired · 11/09/2014 22:26

I had my son (aged 7 at the time) in the house although he didn't witness the birth. My mother was in the house with him. It was lovely that he could meet his sister and see the cord being cut.

I don't think the experience has put him off having babies. I expect that his sister going through the terrible twos is more of a deterrent!

TreeMugger · 11/09/2014 22:27

I was seven when I watched my brother being born in a planned home birth. It was really special :) my mum was fairly quiet in labour so there weren't really any scary noises and I didn't find any of the birth traumatising. I've gone on to have my own dd at home and my sister (who was also at our brother's birth) is now a midwife so I think it was a positive experience for everyone involved!

littlejohnnydory · 11/09/2014 22:30

I'm planning my third home birth and I don't have anyone to look after the DC, so they will be at home. I'm very happy with the older 2 being there (7 and 5) as they know what to expect (Mummy roaring like a dinosaur, etc!) and have watched some home births on youtube...I ideally wouldn't have my two year old there as I'm worried she will want to climb all over me / won't get it / etc...but I'm very prepared that DH might have to be in another room with her. I also know that if I had to transfer to hospital for any reason, I'd be going alone, without DH.

I have 2 friends who have had home births with children in the house - one was during the night, so 2 year old stayed asleep. The other had 4 and 5 year old in the room and they witnessed their baby sister's birth - neither of them were in the least bit traumatised and both very excited that they had seen their sister born.

FantasticMrsFoxInHeels · 11/09/2014 22:31

I don't think you would be unreasonable if that's what you and your seven your old decide together

could be terrible but it could also be really wonderful

5madthings · 11/09/2014 22:34

Not a home birth but I had ds1 with me when dd was born. He was 11 and it was an amazing experience for both of us. He was brilliant, midwives commented how great he was. He cut the cord and held dd minutes after birth :)

Its fine to have them there but you need a back up plan in case of emergency.

dm86 · 11/09/2014 22:34

I watched my sister being born although in hospital not hb and I was older than your dc. I was 11 at the time and wasn't traumatized by it at all. It was really special and I would do it again. I'm currently pg with dc3 so it hasn't put me off lol.

zzzzz · 11/09/2014 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wantsunshine · 11/09/2014 22:37

Oh please don't do it my 6 year old self is crying. I will never forget the horror. Apparently it was a beautiful birth of my sister.

I will never tell my mum as she keeps banging on how great it was and included what a lovely family experience.
I will never forget. Traumatised is the word I would use.
But maybe your children are different. Trying to think of a positive but this thread has just brought back the memory scar.

sleepyjean69 · 11/09/2014 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 11/09/2014 22:43

The plan was that if I went into labour in the day, dd would be at school and ds1 would be looked after by my mother. Dd was 6 and ds1 was 4.

In the end my waters broke at 9pm. Labour started at 1030pm and I had him about 25mins later. Other dc asleep. Dd woke up when the second midwife arrived, after my placenta had been delivered and I'd had a shower. She popped upstairs to say hi and then went back to sleep.

Ds1 was supposed to be home birth, but no midwives available and it was a quick strong ramping up of contractions and so we got my mother round to look after dd who was 2, got to hospital at 8pm. Had him at 9pm and came home by 11pm (had shower at hospital, but since had midwife lined up to do the postnatal checks on ds1 as should have been at home, the hospital were ok with us going on the basis that the midwife would come round the next day).

I don't think I would have been entirely comfortable with the older dcs being around, and thinking about it, it's interesting that with the 2 younger ones, I had them after the older one/ones were in bed whereas dd (eldest) was born at midday in hospital. It's as if my body waited until they weren't around before kicking labour off.

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