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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have my DC at the home birth of their sibling?

58 replies

BabylonPoo · 11/09/2014 22:08

There's a few weeks left until my due date and I'm having a home birth because my last DD was born very quickly in the end (only minutes after my waters broke when they'd been about to send me home.) My 2 yo has just been referred for assessment for ASD and would be absolutely hysterical at being cared for by anyone but DH and I as she is non-verbal and very wary of people. My 7 yo is very excited and interested in the birth, though obviously has the freedom to go off and play in her room/ability to say she's seen enough.

My friend had known I was having a home birth but assumed the DC would be elsewhere. She thinks they'll be traumatised and shouldn't be there. AIBU to have them there, for as long as they want to be there?

OP posts:
mrsminiverscharlady · 11/09/2014 22:46

My friend had her 7 yo at her home birth. Sadly things went seriously wrong and her daughter was quite traumatised by it.

I had a HB myself, but definitely didn't want the children there after that, unless it all happened very quickly in the night.

ProudAS · 11/09/2014 22:47

8yo nephew cut cord when his brother was born and his 7yo sister also helped. I'd hardly say they've been traumatised by it and it was great for them to be involved.

iK8 · 11/09/2014 22:48

I don't think it will be a problem for dc but might be a problem for you. My 3.5 yo drove me up the wall when I had dc2 at home. I sent him out with dh in the end and stayed with midwife on my own.

ShoeWhore · 11/09/2014 22:50

I had dc3 at home and thankfully the older two were asleep (we had arrangements in place for them to go a friend's to play if not) I'm not sure I would have been able to relax with them there. And then dc3 was in quite a tricky position and the pushing stage took quite a while/was quite tricky - it wasn't really the place for a small child.

MrsMook · 11/09/2014 23:20

My ideal birth would be a home birth as DS2 came quite quickly, so it would take pressure off sorting child care. I would ideally plan for back up so in the event of an emergency transfer, I wouldn't have to be alone. This is with a history of late intervention, which I hope could be avoided at home. I'm a groaner rather than a screamer which is probably less intimidating. I've gone into labour in the evening. For Ds2, Ds1 had to be taken abruptly from his bed which he found hard to deal with. Avoiding that would be good.

whois · 12/09/2014 01:13

No because there is a decent chance of something going slightly wrong, and that would be pretty scary for your DC. Also, no one needs to see their mum reduced to such a primal state like that.

memememum · 12/09/2014 01:14

Hello Baby by Jenni Overend and Julie Vivas is a really lovely book that you can use to talk about what the birth might be like with your children. Our dd, 2.5 at the time, ended up being asleep when ds was born, but she came in to say hello to her new brother when I and the sheets were still very messy and I really think that having read the book and talked about the realities of it (mess etc) helped feel totally OK with that.

BramwellBrown · 12/09/2014 01:36

I think your 2 year old might be quite distressed by it because they won't understand why you are in pain.

I wouldn't do it, I was with my mother for 5 births, 4 of them were fine and I thought I'd quite like to be a midwife but I was at home with my mum when my brother was born as was 1 of my brothers and 1 of my sisters, I was 13, they were 4 and 2, things went very wrong and my sisters earliest memory is of mum screaming and me trying to stop her and little bro crying.

I still have horrendous nightmares because of it, they aren't as regular now but 13 years on and after much counselling there are still nights i wake up shaking and crying because of it, whilst pregnant with my 1st child I suffered panic attacks because of my brothers birth.

As much as it can be a lovely experience, it can also be a terrible one and imo its not worth the risk.

wobblyweebles · 12/09/2014 02:21

Hmm my 2yo was upstairs asleep while I gave birth to her little sister.

A couple of hours later I was in an ambulance on my way to hospital, and DH was phoning friends to see if anyone could take her so he and the new baby could follow me to hospital to find out if they'd stopped the bleeding.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, as long as you have a back-up plan.

poolomoomon · 12/09/2014 02:22

I tried to have a HB with DC3 but was transferred for reasons completely out of my hands, it's lucky in the end I was transferred though because I had a major bleed. DC had just gone to bed when labour started luckily. I couldn't have coped with them running and jumping around, having DH off watching/chasing them and leaving me alone. I couldn't labour alone, I really relied on DH just to be present. I think DCs presence would have stressed me out, I'd have been really concerned about making too much noise and scaring them if I'm honest.

I watched a lot of home birth videos in the run up to mine and saw a few that had their other DC present. One woman had a two year old and really wanted her to be there but in the end they had to call grandma to come collect her because the woman was getting really stressed out with her running around shouting etc as toddlers do which I can understand. Another family had their slightly older children present and it was a lovely moment for them all to share. I also used to know someone that witnessed his brother being born and said it was wonderful and helped him bond with his brother better.

I don't actually think you'll know whether it'll work until it happens. DC might not flinch, then again they might hate it and be petrified. You might not really notice or mind their presence, then again it might really stress you out. It's a risk. Definitely have a back up plan.

trufflesnout · 12/09/2014 02:31

I cannot think of anything worse than having my DC present at my giving birth. I mean, go for it if you want but sod the kids I don't know if I'd cope!

Bulbasaur · 12/09/2014 02:38

What is your plan for if something terrible goes wrong?

Yes. Birth is beautiful.

If it goes smoothly.

But birth is unpredictable, and an emergency could traumatize or frighten your children. If you go this route, you need to explain to them if the baby "needs extra help" people will come and take you to the hospital to give you the best help. That way they aren't scared and confused.

Also... I could barely watch my own birth in a mirror. Nothing is more gag inducing than seeing the placenta.

startrek90 · 12/09/2014 04:47

This is not something I have ever thought of as homebirths are banned in my country and women/girls who have not had children are not allowed to be birth partners. However if it were me I would make a contingency plan for the younger child with ASD as it could be traumatising for her. As for the older child, maybe prepare her? Talk other through and give them the option to.leave if they wish

AmericasTorturedBrow · 12/09/2014 06:36

We didn't - my mum came and collected DS (then 3) as soon as I went into labour - thankfully at the reasonable hour of 8pm. DD born at 2:30am so pretty glad DS wasn't at home being difficult to put to bed thanks to the excitement. As it was we ended up asking mum to keep him an extra day so we had the first 30hours with DD just us and her - and after the shock and terror (birth was fine, I just had a bit of a breakdown) following DS's homebirth, it was lovely to just cocoon up with DD for her first day.

Vacillating · 12/09/2014 09:23

Star Trek wonder whether you would say where you live- am intrigued!

GreenPetal94 · 12/09/2014 09:43

It's up to you but I just wouldn't want to deal with my 2 year old while giving birth.

You need to plan what would happen if you have a very long labour (my sister did unexpectedly with her third) so kids need to sleep / get up / have meals etc.

Also if you were rushed to hospital would you dh stay home with the kids? Then you would be alone.

There was a wee girl at my kids primary who boasted in the playground about how wonderful it was to watch the water-birth of her brother. She was about 9. The whole playground were very interested and part of me thought this was gorgeous. But part of it felt like an invasion of the mother / the family's privacy.

FamiliesShareGerms · 12/09/2014 09:47

How are they with One Born Every Minute?

Teddybeau1988 · 12/09/2014 09:52

I labour really loudly. My mooing and screaming would have traumatised the whole street, let alone DC in the house.

With dd2 the hospital staff had to cut short the unit tour as the noise from my delivery room was so bad a few of the ladies looked abit worried

Osmiornica · 12/09/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooseyfrumpture · 12/09/2014 17:15

I've had 3 HB, all with other DC in the house. Cbeebies was more exciting for the first, second they slept through and the third was somewhat marred by the calls of are we nearly there yet "how much longer will it be?"

MrsHathaway · 12/09/2014 17:20

I had a HB for DC3. DC2 and DC1 could absolutely have been in the building (as it happened I laboured and delivered in the middle of the day when they were out - if it had been at night they would have been asleep in bed).

But:

  1. I L&D quietly with all three. Far more noise from DH and mw coaching than from me.
  1. They absolutely could not have been in the room after delivery as DC3 needed help breathing (lazy water birth, didn't notice he'd been born). It was hard enough for us to cope with that, let alone a child. He was fine once he'd got cold enough to realise he needed to breathe, and we delayed cord clamping so he wasn't in danger, but still.
  1. If we had needed an emergency dash to hospital (see 2) then the arrival of the ambulance would have been scary.

Although it would be lovely to be able to say they had been there, I am glad they weren't. As it was, they were the first visitors, and that's very special too.

PlanetMJ · 12/09/2014 17:45

One of my very earliest memories is of my mum having a HB with my sister when I was four. My mum was a midwife and it was her third child, she always talks about how she had really easy, straightforward labour and deliveries and pretty much sneezed out my sister.

I remember being absolutely petrified, confused and disgusted by the entire experience. I dont know that it left me traumatised but I have certainly wondered what on earth my mother was thinking to want me to be there.

My dad was there for my birth, fainted and made a point of excusing himself from all subsequent childbirths until the babies were "nicely wrapped up". He had expressed his concerns about me being in the room but was pooh-poohed by mum and told it would be a wonderful experience for me to have.

I cant imagine that my mum wouldn't have explained to me what I should expect and try to ensure that I wouldn't find it scary, I wasn't a particularly sensitive child and I am sure that there will be plenty of children who witnessed their siblings being born and thought it was marvelous.

To this day I have never told my mum how awful I found it as I would never want to hurt her feelings and if she was reading this thread she would no doubt still be all for the idea and declare that her oldest daughter saw her youngest being born and loved it!

notquiteruralbliss · 12/09/2014 21:33

My 3 older ones were all at the births of their younger siblings and they are all less than 4 years apart. All were home births, in a pool, with sisters actively involved. Eldest bounded in to nursery morning after her first sister was born and told her teacher all about the birth 'and then I saw my sisters head'. None of them were in the least traumatised. I didn't get to hold Dd4 for about an hour after she was born, because her older sisters were happily passing her between them.

TenMinutesEarly · 12/09/2014 21:56

I wouldn't. But then I nearly died having ds. Dd would have been traumatised for life. As it is she has no idea.

IwantJoansbag · 12/09/2014 22:00

I think it's okay to have your child there (if they're mature enough) but I don't think they should be anywhere near the business end Shock. Keep em up the top end I say!

Everything gets a bit gruesome during childbirth and I'm not sure I'd want them seeing my 'bits' anyway. [embarassed]
don't mind Doctors and Nurses, as I don't know them

Children don't have to be involved in everything.