To think that my parents definitely do not treat me in the same way that they treat my sister?

[beeebaaloolaaa]

I have namechanged as this might make me identifiable.

I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me. She has always been my parents' favourite, although of course they vehemently deny this. As children, I would always get the blame for things even though my sister often behaved in a sneaky manner to get me into trouble. I was always labelled as the difficult and unpleasant child, even though I was just a normal child, and my sister was the little ray of sunshine.

When I had my first child, who is now 10, my mum made it very clear to me that she would not be doing any babysitting, 1) because she didn't agree with mothers going to work and that they should be at home with their babies and 2) because she didn't agree with parents having nights out. She also was adamant that DH, DC and I needed to be a family and to be left alone, therefore she didn't and wouldn't help at all in the early days, even when I was crippled with PND. Of course, I didn't expect any help even though it would have been nice, and certainly wasn't expecting her to provide childcare whilst I worked. Over the years she has always refused to help me out, even if I've been ill and just needed her to have my DCs for an hour or two. She is always busy, or says that we need to be a family. On the rare occasion that she has babysat in the evening she has insisted that I pay for it.

My sister had her first child 5 years ago. Straight away my mum was different with her. She stayed at my sister's house for a week, doing all of her housework and getting up in the night with my DNiece. My sister's parents in-law are very hands on and very doting grandparents, so immediately my parents were in competition with them. My sister went back to work full time when my niece was one, and my parents immediately started doing 2 and a half days per week of childcare, for free, whilst my sister's in-laws provide the other 2 and a half days. I said to my mum at the time that I thought she didn't agree with working mums, and she said that it was different with my sister as she has a degree and I don't!

My sister and I have each since had another baby, and my parents barely see my children, whilst showering childcare and presents at my sister and her children. I know material things shouldn't matter, but it is hurtful. My parents are also still providing free childcare, and having my sister's children all weekend sometimes, so my sister and her DH can go on weekend breaks. They have never once had my children overnight!

It is getting to the stage now where my children are picking up on it and saying that Nanny prefers DNiece and DNephew to them, and it is hurtful for them for example at Christmas when they get so much less than my niece and nephew and they have all opened their presents together.

I have tried to calmly talk to my mum about it but she is certain that she treats them the same and dismisses it as me being jealous or nasty.

AIBU to think my parents are unfair?

God that is awful! YADNBU. Tbh I'd probably just completely detach emotionally and focus on making sure my children aren't negatively effected by this (and I do think such obvious favouritism can be really damaging for kids). Are things any better with your PILs?

*affected (I think...)

Do you think she actually believes that she treats you both the same? Did you give her examples of how she has favoured your sister over you?

Wow, well for what it's worth you are definitely not being unreasonable an you parents are Being hugely unfair.

What does your dad think about it all?

I would limit contact TBH if it was starting to impact my children's self esteem. Who needs that?

Do you get along with your sister?

I'm definitely the family scapegoat. I'll have a look for that book on Ebay, Preciousbane.

Dizzykipper, my mother in law has sadly died and FIL is very detached from his kids and has moved miles away unfortunately :(

DoJo, I think deep down she probably knows but as she scapegoats me she tries to blame me. I gave examples but she tries to justify them all by making out I'm being terribly unreasonable.

nilbyname, my dad has always favoured my sister too.

I don't get on that well with my sister really. She looks down on me and speaks to me badly whilst being sweetness and light with other people.

I could have written that post. Unfortunately nothing you say or do will make any difference. I flipped my lid one day and screamed at my mother that I'd got used to being second best but I was not standing for my DD being treated that way. It didn't work sadly.

I've ended up pretty much keeping away from them, if they want to visit me or DD (she's an adult now) they know where we are. They seldom do, but I refuse to let it upset me anymore.

That must be very hurtful. I think you need to step away from it and keep contact to a minimum for the sake of your children. What does your sister think of it? At least she will be there to take care of your parents when they are no longer able!

If its any consolation, when I was small, my sibling and I were fully aware that one set of grandparents treated other grandchildren preferably. We knew, but just thought they were odd (they were) rather than it being any reflection on us.

With adult eyes I can see it was because they felt less able to exert control over ourr parent than they did over the other granchildren's parents IYSWIM?

Not great, but at least you can take pride in your independence, even if it's not necessarily the way you would like things to be.

normally I read these posts expecting to lean towards the yabu camp but actually from what you have said your mother sounds like a complete cow!

if at all possible I would let her get on with it and trying to let it get to you. my mum has similar traits though not as blatant as yours so I do appreciate that my advice is not easy.

I have found that contact on my terms is the best way. ie mum wanted me to take dd over as she hadn't seen her for two weeks, I pointed out that if she was that desperate then she would have to come to us at x time as we had plans - it sounds rude and harsh but it is the only way I stay sane

Reading your OP made me really sad. That's awful.

I think I would print off your OP and ask your parents to read it.

Another one who could have written your post; my sister doesn't have children, fortunately, but my mum played out the scapegoat/golden child on my DDs too. Same old pattern: older child bad, younger child perfect.

I am NC with the lot of them, I can never forgive them for what they've done, and I don't want them to damage my family. My DDs tried to talk to her, both of them. The oldest was 'lying', and the youngest was simply 'not seeing the truth about me'.

Even XH tried talking to them, it was a pointless exercise.

I think you should bow out of the relationship, because without you to scapegoat your dsis will find the relationship with your parents rather suffocating.

I would write them all a letter and tell them all to do one!

Your children are now picking up on this so you need to do something-I would tell them exactly how I felt then have as little as possible to do with them. in all honesty I'd tell them to fuck the fuck off but that's me

It's too late to change your parents' behaviour IMO. Anything you try will be turned around on you and things will be even worse.

Since your eldest is 10, he/she is old enough to be told everything in your OP straight. You can say you don't know why sis/her kids are favoured but they are and you are either a) going to be the bigger people and be polite even when eg presents are glaringly disproportionate and/or b) going to limit contact.

I think cutting contact entirely would be again turned around on you.

What a nasty old bag your mum sounds.

Like cheerears we had one set if GPs who, because they preferred my Aunt, also preferred her children over us.

It wasn't either my Aunt or my cousins fault and we never blamed them.

My parents were unhappy about it but explained to us as children that it was a reflection on our GPs not on us. My Dsis and I were aware of it but still managed to build good relationships with our GPs.

There was no drama and no going NC.

However our relationship with our other GPs (who doted on all their grandchildren equally) was far more loving. I was very sad when my Dad's parents died. I was devastated when my Mum's DPs passed away.

Not everything in life is fair. How you deal with it is a measure of your character just as their behaviour is a measure of theirs.

It is very hurtful to you but doesn't have to 'damage' your children. My parents were scrupulous about treating my DSis fairly (down to the last £1 at Christmas etc) and I am very careful to treat my own kids fairly too.

Oh that is terrible of them and hurtful. Yes I'd focus on your dc now, it's your parents loss.

This made me so sad for you OP. I don't think going nc will do anyone any good in this instance as I think your DM is in denial and it may damage your relationship with other family members. But I would give up trying to find rhyme or reason, that way madness lies.
As many pp have said, this says more about your DP's than you, and it doesn't sound like they are willing/able to have an open and honest discussion about it, so you should distance yourself emotionally if you can. Seems like you've done a good job of 'getting on with your life' so far, maybe continue in that vein, and try to let it go? If you find that too hard to do, have you thought about some counselling? I really don't think they're going to change, so you need to try and come to terms with that on your own.

When they're old and need care, leave your sister to deal with it ;)

Link to Will I ever be good enough book I'd agree this is a very helpful read.

Wow! How awful. Some people don't deserve kids. I would end contact with them because they are toxic to your children. And tell them. They'll never believe you, but it's not your problem.