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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my parents definitely do not treat me in the same way that they treat my sister?

70 replies

beeebaaloolaaa · 11/09/2014 11:15

I have namechanged as this might make me identifiable.

I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me. She has always been my parents' favourite, although of course they vehemently deny this. As children, I would always get the blame for things even though my sister often behaved in a sneaky manner to get me into trouble. I was always labelled as the difficult and unpleasant child, even though I was just a normal child, and my sister was the little ray of sunshine.

When I had my first child, who is now 10, my mum made it very clear to me that she would not be doing any babysitting, 1) because she didn't agree with mothers going to work and that they should be at home with their babies and 2) because she didn't agree with parents having nights out. She also was adamant that DH, DC and I needed to be a family and to be left alone, therefore she didn't and wouldn't help at all in the early days, even when I was crippled with PND. Of course, I didn't expect any help even though it would have been nice, and certainly wasn't expecting her to provide childcare whilst I worked. Over the years she has always refused to help me out, even if I've been ill and just needed her to have my DCs for an hour or two. She is always busy, or says that we need to be a family. On the rare occasion that she has babysat in the evening she has insisted that I pay for it.

My sister had her first child 5 years ago. Straight away my mum was different with her. She stayed at my sister's house for a week, doing all of her housework and getting up in the night with my DNiece. My sister's parents in-law are very hands on and very doting grandparents, so immediately my parents were in competition with them. My sister went back to work full time when my niece was one, and my parents immediately started doing 2 and a half days per week of childcare, for free, whilst my sister's in-laws provide the other 2 and a half days. I said to my mum at the time that I thought she didn't agree with working mums, and she said that it was different with my sister as she has a degree and I don't!

My sister and I have each since had another baby, and my parents barely see my children, whilst showering childcare and presents at my sister and her children. I know material things shouldn't matter, but it is hurtful. My parents are also still providing free childcare, and having my sister's children all weekend sometimes, so my sister and her DH can go on weekend breaks. They have never once had my children overnight!

It is getting to the stage now where my children are picking up on it and saying that Nanny prefers DNiece and DNephew to them, and it is hurtful for them for example at Christmas when they get so much less than my niece and nephew and they have all opened their presents together.

I have tried to calmly talk to my mum about it but she is certain that she treats them the same and dismisses it as me being jealous or nasty. Hmm

AIBU to think my parents are unfair?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/09/2014 13:04

When the kids start noticing then it's time to detach.

And yes when your mother gets old and needs more and more help she's always got your sister to wipe her backside.

LadyLuck10 · 11/09/2014 13:09

Yanbu those few examples sound enough to know that she is the favourite. I personally think it's disgusting for your mother to ask to be paid to watch her own grandchild. Which loving mother does that.

It's her loss, one day she will look back and realize that she's missed out but your kids won't be bothered by then.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 13:10

Well tbh I would limit contact or distant yourself from her, this is toxic behaviour which your dc are picking up upon, it is not right or fair. You have tried reasoning with her, talking to her, but she makes excuses, there is only so much you can do. Exactly dog, let sister look after them when they cannot, none of your problems. You reap what you sow.

Itsfab · 11/09/2014 13:12

Strsaight off no not spend Christmas with your sister and her kids again. How cruel of your parents to allow such favouritism to be played out in front of innocent children.

YANBU

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 13:12

Yes this is a very good reason to go NC with her, she is treating your children very badly, no loving grandparent would do that she is nasty.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 13:14

Before you do go NC, or distance yourself, I would tell them exactly what i thought about them and their disgusting behaviour. Your sister is treating you the same as she sees your parents treating you badly.

Itsfab · 11/09/2014 13:17

I am thinking about a lovely family Christmas where you can stay in your pyjamas all day if you want. Buy the kids lots to open. Doesn't have to be expensive, individually wrap everything. Selection boxes are a pound, my kids like little note books, post it notes, gold and silver pens, gel pens, etc. All things you can get in the pound shop if money is tight. I also wrap socks and pants if they need them close to Christmas.

fromparistoberlin73 · 11/09/2014 13:25

SWEET JESUS

i am aghast OP, really I think you are so acclimatised to this you dont realise how staggering BU they are.

you are posting in the right place, as I know people will have good advice

sweetie time to put your family first. I agree with others that advise telling them all to "do one" as its time to focus on you, and less on these nasty people that have been making you feel second best for so long, you know you are NOT seconsd best dont you? far from it.

Oh OP, I feel so upset reading this. It horrible as given the family set up its very hard to see the wood for the trees

wishing you the best....

only you know if you are brave enough to confont them, but if your Mum accuses you of being empotional why not create a table

column 1- behaviour (ie babysitting) or (xmas presents for the GC)
column 2, what sister gets
coumn 3, what i get

writing it in black and white will help you make some decisions
xxxx

WimbledonMum1 · 11/09/2014 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fromparistoberlin73 · 11/09/2014 13:39

Dont expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.

great post/link

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 14:27

Good article Wimbledon, please read it op! Your parents and sister are the problem and fault, not you. I am disgusted that your parents are treating you like shit, and your children too. Break the cycle be assertive with them, tell them how you feel and distance yourself from them. Your sister can wipe their arses in the future, not your problem.

Heels99 · 11/09/2014 14:31

You poor thing that is horrid. Do not spend Xmas day with them! Have your own lovely Xmas.

Stratter5 · 11/09/2014 14:33

And yes when your mother gets old and needs more and more help she's always got your sister to wipe her backside.

Oh yes, I'd already been told that's what I was down for. Not any more, and I know damn well my lazy self centred bitch sister won't lower herself to that.

Enjoy the grim old peoples' home, mum. Cos that's what you have to look forward to.

Albertatata · 11/09/2014 14:39

Do you all live close together. There is favouritism in DH family but luckily we live 100 miles away so it's not do hurtful.

I think you need to start looking after yourself. Distance your self from them and try to stop the comparisons as it won't get you anywhere other than simmering resentment

Look after yourself & your children. (& def don't spend Xmas with them)

grimbletart · 11/09/2014 15:05

That is heartbreaking OP. What the hell is the matter with them? They don't deserve you.

My DDs are adults. I sat here thinking of a Sophie's choice scenario. You know what? I couldn't choose between my darling daughters. I love them both so much and they are quite different personalities.

I simply cannot comprehend how any mother could treat one of her children like that.

Step back, gradually remove yourself from their presence and enjoy your own family. Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 15:05

Repeat to yourself, I deserve loving, caring and respectful parents, it is not my fault my parents are not loving, caring or respectful. Keep repeating!. They are treating your children the same way they treat you, that is not on!

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 15:08

Bet your sister will chuck them into a home, thats how she repays their kindness eh. I agree stratter, not your problem op, they reap what they sow!

UsedtobeFeckless · 11/09/2014 15:20

Leave 'em all to stew OP! You deserve better.

Back right off and let them get on with it ... You can't change their poisonous attitudes but you can take yourself and your children out of range. Don't fall out - just be cheerful and distant.

Very distant! Grin They can't do too much harm if you only see them once in a blue moon!

Stratter5 · 11/09/2014 15:54

grimble, I'm the same, I simply couldn't choose between my DDs, I love both of them so very much, and that is how it should be. I've spent all of my time as a mother obsessively ensuring I treat them both the same. Right down to complicated present spreadsheets at Christmas and birthdays, to ensure they both received exactly comparable gifts. I'd be horrified if either of mine felt the way I do, and I'd do anything to rectify it. I was determined that the bad parenting stopped with me, and both of mine grew up knowing how loved and valued they are.

MarshaBrady · 11/09/2014 16:35

It's horrible that this is more pronounced when gc turn up. Bad enough when you're little. Sod em

Aeroflotgirl · 11/09/2014 17:07

Op repeat that your I parents are responsible for their behaviour.

NickNackNooToYou · 11/09/2014 17:39

That is so sad Sad

I'd distance myself, create your own happy family memories wuth your children. If they ask why you Mother favours your DNs tell them you have no idea and ask them to ask her. She is missing out and seems oblivious to it. It's a sad and horrid situation Flowers

At least you're the better person for it.

Dropdeadfred2 · 11/09/2014 18:22

so how she's she answer the clear question 'why have you never had MY children over night?'

sashh · 11/09/2014 18:47

My mother is exactly like this. If you head over to relationships and look for any thread with 'stately homes' in the title you will find that you are not alone.

But

And it took me 40 years to realise, the thing she really enjoys is control. She loves to control my behaviour by setting me up.

Now that I realise this I don't let her have any. I don't get upset when she spends a fortune on my brother and his family.

I also, rather childishly, do things that wind her up, nothing she can actually complain about, but things that I know upset her because she is not being put first.

I actually started this before I consciously realised about her control.

Examples are things like my graduation photo. She has one of the big official ones, but there were photos taken on the stage too. She didn't realise that I'd bought one. I gave it to my grandmother who proudly displayed it in her living room for all her visitors to see.

Now my mum couldn't say anything, because she had the official one and had chosen not to display it so why would she want another?

As I said, childish, petty but it works for me.

Your parents will not change, what can change is the way you deal with it, and that is a very personal thing.

How do you get on with your sister? Does she see what is happening?

Glastogirl · 11/09/2014 18:55

Yanbu, the way your mother treats you and your family is awful :(

Try and not let it get to you ... I would try and exclude her a bit...and give yourself some breathing space.

Try and avoid seeing her at all costs!