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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About PILs wedding gift

63 replies

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:05

DP and I are due to get married in a couple of months and my parents are contributing a fair bit (both monetary and planning wise), so I mentioned to DP that I'd like to buy them a weekend away as a thank you gift.

DP said yes, great idea, we will send them to Cornwall and PIL to the lakes.

Now, this weekend away won't be cheap, in fact it will be a stretch to afford one, let alone two! I'd planned on giving MIL some flowers and FIL a bottle of whiskey as a "thank you" even though they haven't actually done anything (despite MIL promising to make the invitations and then backing out). I'd also add we are paying for MILs hair and makeup and have paid for hotel rooms for PILs, and both SILs the night before the wedding.

So AIBU to not want to give PIL a weekend away on top of this when they haven't really done anything?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/09/2014 13:08

Yanbu but it will cause bad feeling forever more if they found out about your parents being sent on one.

I was thinking of doing the same for my parents, having also go married recently. I don't have PIL's to worry about offending though (deceased).

cheerears · 10/09/2014 13:11

If the weekend away is a thnak you for helping with the planning and payment of the wedding and they haven't actually done any planning or payment then YANBU.

You might have been better saying this to your DP at the time though - not sure how you will raise it now - "erm, you know you said we could send your parents to the lakes, well I've thought about it and I don't think they've contributed enough to the wedding so no dice". Tricky!

MrsHathaway · 10/09/2014 13:12

YANBU but it is customary to give the parents a gift during the speeches and they'd need to be equivalent (ie whisky and flowers all round) with the extra gift later on in private.

Are PIL emotionally supportive?

Original poster

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:13

I am actually somewhat offended that PIL have shown no interest whatsoever in the wedding (aside from MIL banging on about her new hat), but ho hum.

OP posts:

Original poster

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:15

PIL are generally pretty "disinterested" in our lives in general.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2014 13:15

I would skip both 'weekend away' presents and give them both something equivalent on the day. If you want to make an additional gift or thank you to your parents do it quietly, a bit after the event, when the fuss has died down. Otherwise - regardless of how much your parents did and how little your ILs did - there will be noses out of joint all over the place

Only1scoop · 10/09/2014 13:16

I think such grand gestures are all a little bit unnecessary....I think a weekend away for them is extremely over the top. I'm thinking you won't be giving the gift of weekend away to your parents at the wedding during speeches etc??

OnlyLovers · 10/09/2014 13:16

Why are you paying for her hair and make-up?

I wouldn't give the PILs anything (or maybe just the gifts during the speeches, as mentioned); they've done nothing to help and aren't interested – what do they expect in return?

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 10/09/2014 13:17

Hmmm, I'd reckon that if you treat the parents and ILs differently re gifts it'll be badly received, especially if the gifts are presented during the speeches. Can't show favouritism.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 10/09/2014 13:17

I personally think it's fair enough your DH wants to treat them too regardless of whether they've done their share of errands. He will want to thank them for a lifetime of their support, not just whether they've iced the cake and paid for the favours.

cheerears · 10/09/2014 13:17

DollyMixture
I am actually somewhat offended that PIL have shown no interest whatsoever in the wedding (aside from MIL banging on about her new hat), but ho hum

Count your blessings! She could be a MILzilla insisting aunty Mabel has a place at the top table and little cousin (second cousin 14 times removed) Thomas must be a page boy.

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 10/09/2014 13:20

I gave my Mum flowers at the wedding as a thank you for all she had done-I did not give my MIL anything as she did not do anything. It did not occur to me that I should have done. My DH did not say anything about his Mum either, perhaps her nose was out of joint? I don't see why you need to send the ILs away to thank them if they have done nothing.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 10/09/2014 13:21

Quite cheers I am rarely on the side of the ILs but I think most women would be grateful not to have their MIL stickybeaking into their wedding plans.

Also, most weddings are a bit more bride-led so it's reasonable that the parents of the bride have more involvement.

One of the reasons I'm grateful to have sons.

Frontier · 10/09/2014 13:21

I don't think you should do either.

Presumably your parents have helped with the wedding precisely because they want to help you save your money. I know mine would hate it if I "wasted" money on them like this. Get each a token gift and take your parents out to dinner. They'll appreciate your time more than your cash anyway.

Original poster

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:21

To clarify, I wasn't going to give the weekend away out at the wedding, but afterwards.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 10/09/2014 13:22

YANBU. If your PIL's choose to be offended that's their own silly fault.

Pootles2010 · 10/09/2014 13:22

I'd not want to give PIL's weekend away, but you don't want to cause ill feeling. Perhaps get your parents a weekend away later in the year and call it an 'anniversary' or 'birthday' present, but quietly tell them its a bit of a thankyou gift as well?

Bogeyface · 10/09/2014 13:25

Yep, in order to get out of this with all feathers unruffled and I think you need to say to DP that you cant really afford it so just go with the whiskey and flowers, and then do it later in the year as a Xmas gift (say).

LePetitPont · 10/09/2014 13:27

We had a similar scenario for our wedding (my parents got appropriately involved do not ott, but helpful, my DH's didn't do anything bar insist on inviting random relatives we'd never met) - all parents got a rose bush then we sneaked my parents theatre vouchers. We didn't do any gift giving in the speeches tedious in the extreme so unless they compared notes afterwards, they weren't any the wiser re lack of parity.

kaymondo · 10/09/2014 13:28

We had a similar issue when we got married. We gave both mothers flowers during the speeches and then gave both sets of parents some vouchers for a holiday home company to book a weekend break for themselves. My parents just had twice the amount of vouchers - and neither knew how much the other had as they knew they'd all had vouchers so guess they assumed they'd had the same. Had the IL's queried it I would have said that my parents got more because they contributed more (in every way - not just financial) . Luckily it never came up!

WildFlowersAttractBees · 10/09/2014 13:32

YANBU.

Had they been unable to afford to help financially but they had contributed through time and effort I would have said treat both but it sounds like that is not the case.

PS. Your MIL could pay for her own hair and make up!

Momagain1 · 10/09/2014 13:32

I think the weekend away is too muc, for the various reasons included here.

I think the real issue here is between you and DH2b. Does he really think they both "deserve" equal presents? Or is he expecting that the general policy is that both in-laws are treated equally. For every visit here, a visit there. This christmas here, next christmas there? In his family, was fairness between treatment of the grandparents a thing that happened? Or worse, a thing that didnt happen and caused problems? And what about extended in-laws, is a visit to anyone on either side then owed to someone on the other side? Will a series of graduations and weddings and christenings on your side be resented if it upsets the visiting and gifting balance?

Talk about it.

Ihatefootball · 10/09/2014 13:33

Why are you paying for mil's hair?!!! That is odd!

Original poster

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:36

Well it started off my paying for myself and bridesmaids hair and makeup, then my mum asked if she could have hers done, so I had to ask MIL as I didn't want her to feel excluded and I wanted her to be part of the whole "getting ready in the morning".

OP posts:

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 13:39

I agree with the posters saying the real issue here is with your DH's failure to acknowledge the unequal work done by both sets of parents.

I would raise it very gently with him and point out that the situations are different, so the presents are different tore fleet that. Make sure he doesn't think you are complaining about your in laws, or he may misinterpret it as carte blanche to involve them more, which is probably not what you want!

My in laws gave us half a relatively inexpensive cutlery set when we got married. Literally, just the spoons and forks! And they are loaded too! My parents contributed a lot more both financially and personally.

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