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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About PILs wedding gift

63 replies

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:05

DP and I are due to get married in a couple of months and my parents are contributing a fair bit (both monetary and planning wise), so I mentioned to DP that I'd like to buy them a weekend away as a thank you gift.

DP said yes, great idea, we will send them to Cornwall and PIL to the lakes.

Now, this weekend away won't be cheap, in fact it will be a stretch to afford one, let alone two! I'd planned on giving MIL some flowers and FIL a bottle of whiskey as a "thank you" even though they haven't actually done anything (despite MIL promising to make the invitations and then backing out). I'd also add we are paying for MILs hair and makeup and have paid for hotel rooms for PILs, and both SILs the night before the wedding.

So AIBU to not want to give PIL a weekend away on top of this when they haven't really done anything?

OP posts:
externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 13:39

*to reflect that. Bloody ipad!

magpiegin · 10/09/2014 13:40

I agree with the others, same gifts on the day and weekend away for parents later. I had similar with my own mum, she just wasn't interested and although agreed to help was later too busy. It's a shame but I try and see it as her loss she didn't want to be more involved.

ImAlpharius · 10/09/2014 13:45

You are treating your PiL's with a hotel break, you're paying for the hotel at your wedding (before and after?), so your parents break away is evening it up...

Jewels234 · 10/09/2014 14:02

Are you sure that your parents would want a 'thank you for money' to be you spending a lot of money on them? I think it's a lovely idea, but given the problems it's throwing up wouldn't something cheaper but heartfelt be more appropriate? A small gift, with a card with a personal note in it?

eddielizzard · 10/09/2014 14:05

save the money you would have spent on the weekend away and reduce your parent's contribution to your wedding.

give both sets the same gift even though your pils couldn't give a rat's arse.

RocksRCool · 10/09/2014 14:29

I think YABU, but it's hard to tell especially if there is a big backstory.

Isn't it normal for the PIL to be less involved in the wedding planning?

I think it would be tactless to give your parents a weekend away and not your PIL so I would probably give it to niether of them.

I feel it's a bit off to reward your parents because they give more. People give what they give Confused. My PIL didn't give us anything and we paid for their hotel etc it didn't cross my mind that they were less generous than my parents.

As for paying for her hair, I think it would have looked like you were excluding her if your mother and the bridesmaids were having theirs done. It sounds like you are really not happy. Do you think she has picked up on it?

If your DH wants to give them the same as your parents then I think it might be difficult for you to stop him. Maybe he is grateful to them for other things.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2014 14:34

They've given you money so you give them money.

Am I missing something? What's the point?

whatever5 · 10/09/2014 14:41

I think that it would be a bit daft for you to pay for your parents to go away because they have paid towards your wedding (I know they have also helped organise, but still).

I can understand that you are a bit put out that they haven't helped with your wedding but traditionally the groom's parents didn't do much and they may not have realised that times have changed. I think that if you give your parents a present but not your in laws they will not be happy with you.

phantomnamechanger · 10/09/2014 14:44

They've given you money so you give them money. Am I missing something? What's the point?

I'm with you NannyOgg, same as these family Christmas traditions where every adult (BIL/SIL etc) gives everyone else £20 instead of buying a gift. Just buy your own gift instead!

HopefulHamster · 10/09/2014 14:44

I would just give both sets of parents something equally nice ( we did nice glass vase thing) on the day, then if you want to give your parents something extra do it later - but maybe a weekend away is too big/noticeable?

everygalaxy · 10/09/2014 14:55

I have a very similar thread in weddings. We are giving my parents a special gift after the wedding, so MIL won't know any better, and just giving token gifts during the speeches. One poster suggested we write a letter to my parents and explain how much their help and support means to us both which I think is a great idea.
Hell would freeze over before I paid for MIL's hair or hotel room! PIL have done nothing but cause extra stress during the planning.

ohbladee · 10/09/2014 15:02

If you have money to spend on a weekend away why are you taking that money from your parents?? Just say, 'we don't need that extra 500 quid, thanks'

I was in a similar position OP except we skipped all of the traditional bollocks. I gave my parents a thank you card and our heartfelt thanks. Mil got a card for helping us decorate the venue and dfil got nowt I don't think.

WeirdCatLady · 10/09/2014 15:44

We didn't buy the fathers anything but got flowers for the mothers. I was very careful to make sure both arrangements were the same size..... But mils was full of the cheapest flowers and my mother got roses. A childish point but had to be done.

Droflove · 10/09/2014 15:47

We got just my parents a weekend away as a thank you too. They contributed a lot financially to us so we wanted to say thanks for that side of their help. Love my inlaws but this was something private between us and my parents. I think its fine just don't tell anyone else about it.

partyskirt · 10/09/2014 15:50

If it was me I would do it as my last independent action -- I.e. I would buy the weekend away for my parents to say a personal thank you. If he wants to buy one for his then that's up to him. Just say you're doing it as a personal thing not as a coverall.

Ha! I'm afraid marriage is full of such quandaries. Welcome to the club!

creampie · 10/09/2014 15:52

I'm pretty sure the gifts for parents at weddings aren't really to do with what they've contributed to the wedding.

Isn't supposed to be more of a "thank you for doing such a great job raising this person that I now get to spend the rest of my life with"?

In which case I think both sets should get equal gifts. If you want to give a thank you for helping me organise kind of gift, I think a weekend away is too much. After all, if it was such a big sacrifice for them to help you out financially that you feel you have to offer a big gesture, they'd have been better off just keeping their money rather than have you spend it on them for them.

I'd be a little bit annoyed if you did this for me. It would seem as if, if you've that much money to throw around, you could have paid for your own wedding! And if you haven't I'd be cross that I'd tried to save you some financial debt, only for you to waste money anyway, on something I'd then have to appear grateful for!

phantomnamechanger · 10/09/2014 15:58

agree 100% with creampie absolutely spot on all round

NotYouNaanBread · 10/09/2014 16:00

When did this presents for parents thing at weddings start? I got married 8 years ago, and have never heard of it. As traditionally, the bride's parents pay for the wedding, it's therefore obviously not traditional, and is a new thing. I also fail to see the point - if the bride and groom are already set up in life and don't expect their parents to pay for the wedding, but accept a financial contribution or support, isn't that part of their wedding gift and therefore isn't a reciprocal gift as pointless as giving somebody a gift in return for them giving you a birthday gift, for instance? Don't you just accept it and thank them graciously?

Paying for not one, but TWO weekends away for your parents seems OTT and more like competitive generosity, worse when you can't afford it.

MaryWestmacott · 10/09/2014 16:04

Make an official gift that's equal - to be honest, if i was your parents, I'd be pissed off I was handing over a huge chunk of money towards a wedding, then finding that you'd spent a packet sending me on a holiday I might not want. Surely if you can afford a few hundred quid on them, then take less off them towards the wedding and suggest they take themselves away with it and they can pick where they'd like to go - or if they'd rather do soemthing else with the money...

A bottle for each dad, a bunch of flowers for each mum.

I know you are upset by the difference between the parents, but traditionally it was the brides family who paid/did the work, it could be your PIL just don't think it's their 'job' and that all they do need to do is get their outfits and turn up.

LL12 · 10/09/2014 16:07

I think taking your parents out for a meal after the wedding would be more than enough.
My parents would be a bit peeved if after spending out for my wedding I spent quite a large sum of money sending them off for the weekend, especially if they knew that money was tight.

MaryWestmacott · 10/09/2014 16:10

NotYouNaanBread - to be fair, in our family, it's been a tradition to give something to the mums and dads (usually flowers for the mums, a bottle of something for the dads) at weddings as a 'thank you' for all the weddings I've been to (i'm mid30s).

I got married 7 years ago in the middle of a 2 year period when lots of my friends/DH's friends got married and at the bulk of the weddings the B&G gave gifts during the groom's speech.

nilbyname · 10/09/2014 16:12

creampie and nannyogg have it

Why are you spending £££ on weekends away when they are giving you £££ for the wedding??

That's baffling and as a parent I would be annoyed that's where some of my money had been spent.

Flowers, perhaps a nice meal round at yours. Plenty plenty.

russiandwarf · 10/09/2014 17:55

I like what kaymondo said about gving them vouchers and not disclosing the amounts if you really can't back out of it. If you can then just tell DP that you have changed your mind due to costs. You could always gift your parents a trip at a later date and tell them it's a secret thank you you didn't want PIL to know about!

My parents helped enormously with planning and financial contribution for our wedding but PIL did not (aside from trying to get me to organise MIL hair as well last minute when I was very stressed out! - I told them the additional costs and they decided to make their own arrangments!)
We gave flowers/small gifts out during the speeches and I bought my Mum a fancy necklace she wore to the wedding and a gift for my Dad and just didn't discuss these with DH as they were my own special thank yous. He did almost nothing re wedding planning either so I didn't feel bad!

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 10/09/2014 20:16

I know you are upset by the difference between the parents, but traditionally it was the brides family who paid/did the work, it could be your PIL just don't think it's their 'job' and that all they do need to do is get their outfits and turn up

Just like my ILs. When I asked them to do one thing they said no as they just wanted to enjoy the wedding. That's why my Mum got flowers and they didn't!

fragolino · 10/09/2014 20:25

Of course your PILS shouldnt get sent away your sending your DP away as a thank you for helping with your wedding!