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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About PILs wedding gift

63 replies

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 13:05

DP and I are due to get married in a couple of months and my parents are contributing a fair bit (both monetary and planning wise), so I mentioned to DP that I'd like to buy them a weekend away as a thank you gift.

DP said yes, great idea, we will send them to Cornwall and PIL to the lakes.

Now, this weekend away won't be cheap, in fact it will be a stretch to afford one, let alone two! I'd planned on giving MIL some flowers and FIL a bottle of whiskey as a "thank you" even though they haven't actually done anything (despite MIL promising to make the invitations and then backing out). I'd also add we are paying for MILs hair and makeup and have paid for hotel rooms for PILs, and both SILs the night before the wedding.

So AIBU to not want to give PIL a weekend away on top of this when they haven't really done anything?

OP posts:

fragolino · 10/09/2014 20:26

I mean its not the usual thing is it to send ones parents away after getting married, its a special situation because yours have done so much

hamptoncourt · 10/09/2014 20:48

YANBU in thinking you only wanted to do something for your parents who are the ones who have helped you.

YABU in not telling DP immediately that no, you didn't mean for his parents too.

I am not trying to upset you OP, but if you cannot stand up for yourself and state your case with him openly then I am not sure you should be marrying him. You should be able to talk about anything and be communicating openly.

Maybe you were just so shocked you were lost for words?

Tell DP the truth - Tis the only way.

Good luck and have a lovely wedding.

DizzyKipper · 10/09/2014 21:32

YANBU. I got my mum a special gift for the wedding due to the enormous help and support she gave, I wanted to do something nice back (and no, the monetary value of the gift in no way matched what she gave so as to make it pointless...). When telling DH about my gift idea for DM he wanted to get the same gift for MIL, despite the fact that not only was she of no help whatsoever and got us in trouble with the venue on the day but during the first time round of planning our wedding had made numerous unpleasant digs about my parents being cheap, tried to dictate to DH who he should invite, was in general trying to be quite controlling, and at one point even tried to split us up because of a fight she had with DH.

You're doing something for your parents from the bottom of your heart because you genuinely appreciate all that you've done for you and in some way want to give something back. If your DH genuinely felt this about his parents too then it would be fair enough to want to match the gift, but not just because they're family and all "needs to be equal."

DizzyKipper · 10/09/2014 21:34

*they've, not you've!

Sapat · 10/09/2014 21:46

The weekend away is over the top, for both. Why not treat your parents to a nice meal out at a later date? Maybe to look at the wedding photos together? Or tickets to a show? I think a token thank you is perfectly acceptable.

My parents were the same, they helped loads, stayed a week etc. My in laws rocked up on the day and were gone early the next morning and made very little effort to chat to my family, despite the fact DH and I have been a couple 18 years and have 3 kids together. I get on well with them though, and accept that that is their style.

CrapBag · 10/09/2014 22:12

YANBU.

You want to do a nice thing for your parents who have been helpful and involved. I see nothing wrong with that. I do see something wrong with your DH's assumption that you are also sending his parents away. They have done nothing to be thanked for so why would you.

We had a similar situation. My side contributed financially and practically. MIL just moaned about the bridesmaids (as in who we didn't have). I stupidly gave her the same flowers as my nan got (as her thank you) and after wondered why we did. We asked her to do one small thing and she refused so why she got 'thank you ' flowers I don't know.

'Reward' the people who have actually helped.

WelshMaenad · 10/09/2014 22:16

YANBU. We didn't give parent presents at my wedding because I didn't want to raise awkward questions by not giving gifts to pil (who did fuck all) but giving to my parents (who were amazing, paid for most of the wedding, and worked their socks off helping me plan). I just gave my parents a gift privately afterwards.

ButternutBosc · 10/09/2014 23:29

I don't see why you should get your pils anything, they've not done anything to help and you're paying for mil's hair, that's enough. Your parents have helped you out a lot with your wedding so it makes sense that you've got them a weekend away as a way of saying thanks. I don't see why there would be any ill feelings, unless pil had done a lot to help out and were ignored, which isn't the case. They've no reason to get worked up.

DIYandEatCake · 11/09/2014 00:49

I agree with those who've said save the money and don't buy extravagant gifts - I'm sure your heartfelt thanks will mean more to your parents than anything you could buy them.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/09/2014 07:31

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. And the plan is just asking for trouble tbh.
Imho a weekend away is too "large" a gift as a thank you in ts situation. As pp have said it seems a lot of money to spend to tank someone for a financial contribution. Your parents might not want that venue or that date and might easily feel embarrassed. Also, you are clearly not keen on your ILs, given your comments about their not being interested in your life, and i think your weekend away gift to your parents underlines the divide.
Without actually discussing it you and your Df are marking your lines in the samd about your resoective families. "My pants are better/ more important" "no. My parents are just as important as yours."

I can see why you want to thank your parents for their contribution. But imho a meal out, or something like wine, flowers, chocolates (hotel chocolat do some beautiful packages and no i dont work for them --only wish i did) with a personal message os more appropriate.
You could do this after the wedding. You could do it by yourself if you prefer but it would be nice coming from the two of you.

I would say to DF "bloody hell! What are we doing? Its madness to spend this money now. Lets stick to the bottle/ flowers plan for each of our parents. Obviously i want to say a little thank you my parents for their specific help. I thought [insert new affordable idea] would be nice."
If he makes a fuss then that is a new conversation needed.
Ppl can be funny about "equity" and perceptions of it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/09/2014 07:33

pants
Sorry about the spelling. Sleep deprivation and an i pad that hates me.

7to25 · 11/09/2014 07:54

I have been a MoB and MoG. The weekends away are too much and as people have said,the reason you contribute money is to send the young couple off together with a better start in life. The reason you contribute effort is because it is FUN to get involved with the festivities.
I was much less involved with my son's wedding but very involved with my daughter's. I made the brides and bridesmaids dresses, chose the flowers, helped with the details etc. with my son, just a financial contribution. I saw that as how it should be.
What your parents will love is to be involved, send her all the video clips and photos that people send you. I got a few lovely cards from guests that meant a lot. Having my own family and siblings there was a bonus for me as well.
We MOB's love the little things. A card, a photo and being kept in the loop mean more than a weekend away.

thegreylady · 11/09/2014 09:15

If I had a 'like button' it would be for 7to25's post :)

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