Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up at people asking when we are going to have kids?

85 replies

MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 21:33

Just that really.

Recently we got married but feel like everyone thinks it's ok to ask when we are going to start a family.

They don't know that we have been trying for a few months in secret because we are trying to keep the pressure off, but feel like it's constantly up for discussion Confused

AIBU?

OP posts:
SilverShadows · 09/09/2014 16:29

I've been married 4 years.
Answers I've given have have ranged from "let's enjoy being married for a bit first" to "we've got the wedding to pay off" and then "I expect we'll get round to it in the next couple of years " and now people have started to clock on it's been a while ask if we are planning on staying childless.
I got a puppy, that was a good enough answer for a few months, then booked a biggish holiday that also took up a few months.

I'm just vague about it all but it does help that I've been asked so many times that non committal answers just roll off my tongue now. I know people aren't deliberately being nasty, and in a lot of instances it is small talk but it would be nice for people to just mind their own bloody business!

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 09/09/2014 16:34

You could go all Hyacinth Bucket and say 'What a vulgar question' (which it is).

Or say 'Why?' and then keep saying 'Why?' to whatever they manage by way of response until they give up.

MrsMook · 09/09/2014 16:49

I used to get asked by pupils. My favourite answer was "in 10 minutes, can you get me some towels?"

Dapplegrey · 09/09/2014 17:36

I had 7 unsuccessful attempts at IVF (8th and 9th were successful). People used to ask the whole time when we were having children, then rubbed it in saying things like "you don't want to leave it too late" or "have them soon so they can know their grandparents".
After I'd had ds I mentioned politely to a couple of people who'd been particularly persistent with their enquiries, that I knew they didn't mean to be hurtful in any way, but if a couple have no children after several years, that maybe because they are having problems. Infertility issues cause terrible emotional pain, and it's best not to bring the subject up.

BikeRunSki · 09/09/2014 18:04

Somebody did actually ask me when I was going to have DC2, the day after I'd got my BFP. So I replied "25 October". They didn't know whether to believe me or not.

Weathergames · 09/09/2014 18:46

OH and I have 6 between us none together and we are both nearly 40 - people ask us if we are planning more as it would be nice to have one "together" Hmm

We manage a kid free holiday once a year - do people think we are totally insane?!

Bulbasaur · 09/09/2014 19:05

It doesn't get better. Once you have the first, the conversation changes to "Well, when's the next one?"

We just make it as awkward as possible. "So... basically you're saying you want us to have more sex?" Grin

Does the trick. :)

Xmasbaby11 · 09/09/2014 19:25

Yabu. I think it's a normal question from friends. It's totally ok not to admit if you're ttc or having problems, though - I don't think people necessarily expect complete honesty, I just think between friends it would be odd to never mention it.

tobysmum77 · 09/09/2014 19:43

yanbu its bloody rude

Phineyj · 09/09/2014 19:55

I look forward to when it is not considered a normal question from friends and family. Not only did we (mostly me though) get these comments, especially from MIL, I had a prospective employer grill me at length about my childcare arrangements when I didn't even have children! I really like your approach Dapplegrey I hope MIL has thought twice about asking people, since IVF finally worked for us and we explained we hadn't just been delaying deliberately.

Original poster
MetallicInk · 09/09/2014 21:39

Thanks for the support ladies. So glad to know it's not just me being overly sensitive Wink

OP posts:
MrsMook · 09/09/2014 21:57

I was being asked about #3 when heavily pregnant with #2. The answer depended somewhat on baby #2's exit strategy.

bubalou · 09/09/2014 22:19

Get used to it is all I can say.

I am very similar in how fed up.

We got together - when are you moving in, we moved in - when are you getting engaged, when engaged - when's the big day, when married (on wedding day) when are you having kids, DS was 7 hours old when someone seriously asked if we were going to have more!!!!!!!

6 years later, DS is an only child and I am fed up of everyone asking. 6 years!!! Stop asking! My family are the worse - 6 years of every time I feel sick or unwell asking me - are you pregnant! ConfusedAngryHmm

So, to sum up. It's sadly human nature. People are pricks. I suggest you play the 'take a shot game' and every time someone asks - do a shot and smile. Haha Grin

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 22:24

It's a rude and intrusive thing to say to anyone. If people don't know that I think it is reasonable to tell them that it's not a question that should ever be asked.
If people are insensitive enough to think it's an ok question then I think you need to be really honest and upfront and tell them why it's wrong

EmberElftree · 10/09/2014 07:58

Exactly bubalou - that's what I've had from my mum since I met DH. When are you going to admit that you like him? Are you together yet? When are you going to get engaged? when is the wedding? and since we married in 2011 when are you going to give me another gc, have you started trying? If you are having problems then you should tell me or if you do not want DCs then you should also tell me etc.

I have tried everything with her, we want to enjoy each other first etc etc to straight - I will not discuss this with you, it is none of your business to which she replied of course it is my business I made your womb Shock Angry

"Well you made a pretty shite one then didn't you seeing as I had a mmc in May" is what I wanted to say but I haven't told her about that yet. We live abroad and I haven't seen her in person since March - this barrage is over FaceTime, the phone, text AND email.

She does mean well but she has always harangued people about their dc, oh when will you be giving so and so a sibling, it would be cruel to make so and so an only child, are you trying for another? Oh you have 2 boys/girls don't you want to try for a girl/boy?

Aaargggggh - it has always made me cringe even long before it even occurred to me to start trying for a family.

A couple of my single friends have asked but they have not irritated me as much however I would never say to them, so when are you going to find yourself a man? As I know that great boyfriends do not simply drop out of the sky into your life just as healthy children do not.

People need to engage their brain and think how others are feeling inside before letting their mouth run away with them.

ebwy · 10/09/2014 10:26

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise my uterus was your business!" usually works

allypally999 · 10/09/2014 10:52

Some really funny answers there ladies thanks!

Good luck to those of you who are quietly trying.

When we first got married OH told his Mum we wouldn't be having any and not to ask and she never did but we found out years later that she told everyone I couldn't!

To everyone else I just said I don't like them which has resulted in my being shut out when a co-worker brings in children's photos, etc which is equally stupid IMHO but hey ho

francesdrake · 10/09/2014 18:07

You don't even have to be married to get this sort of ridiculous hassle.

I'm single and nearly 40 and now people are no longer demanding to know when my ex-DH 'are going to get round to having kids', they've switched to, 'Are you thinking about getting yourself down to the IVF clinic and having one on your own? Chop chop.'

Seriously, if you're under 50 and a woman...

Original poster
MetallicInk · 10/09/2014 18:27

Emberelf "I made your womb"

Sorry but this made me laugh so muchGrin

OP posts:
londonrach · 10/09/2014 18:33

6 years and fed of it. Patients..don't leave it too late...grrrr.

BathTangle · 10/09/2014 18:43

Unfortunately it doesn't even stop when you tell people you're pregnant: two work colleagues' first question to me was "Was it planned?" I was so stunned that I just answered honestly, but I really wish I'd thought to say "do you mean was I having protected or unprotected sex, because that's basically what you're asking?"

Second time around I was all prepared, but then they didn't ask!!

glidingpig · 10/09/2014 18:46

Urrrgh this gives me the rage. It's just something people shouldn't ask about, full stop. If there's some information you are ready to share with them, you will do so without being pestered. If not, what possible bloody answer are they looking for?

I had this outside school today. Another mum brought her new baby on the school run, so my well-meaning friend nudged me and went "aww, has that made you go all gooey? When are you going to have another?" Well I'm actually expelling the last of my chemical pregnancy as we speak, so who the fuck knows, eh? But you can't answer that because then it's somehow you making things awkward. Argh.

bubalou · 10/09/2014 18:53

As I said earlier we have had 6 year as of people asking - since our DS was born.

For the last year or so we've just been saying the usual - were not sure we want more or were not ready.

Were so fed up with the pressure that we just keep saying were not having anymore and we've been saying that for months. However - we started trying again 3 months ago Wink

They don't deserve to be told. They've all annoyed me too much!!!!

I'm not going to tell them until I'm 12 weeks either which they will hate and be really annoyed with because we are such a close family that they will be like Shock

I know I sound mean but they deserve it!

Woobeedoo · 10/09/2014 21:05

My MIL would ask me around every other month if there were any baby plans, initially I'd politely brush her off (having been diagnosed with PCOS and being told IVF was my only option), but as time went on I'd be more abrupt in my response. I've repeatedly told her her questions are insensitive due to all the reasons previous ladies here have mentioned but it goes in one ear, rattles around in the void and falls out the other.

We had our ICSI baby a few months ago and the MIL has already asked me six times when are we having another - she first asked when our baby was around 6weeks old. Sheesh.

EmberElftree · 11/09/2014 07:25

I know Metallic it is so ridiculous she is unbelievable!