Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up at people asking when we are going to have kids?

85 replies

MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 21:33

Just that really.

Recently we got married but feel like everyone thinks it's ok to ask when we are going to start a family.

They don't know that we have been trying for a few months in secret because we are trying to keep the pressure off, but feel like it's constantly up for discussion Confused

AIBU?

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 22:04

This is exactly why I don't mention babies and wanting/trying for them anymore keith. I just talk about all the other things one can talk about.

Some people are very open, most I find are more like me, and wouldn't share that information. The range for hurting someone inadvertently is huge.

HilariousInHindsight · 07/09/2014 22:04

No not unreasonable.

It's hard to find the right words to be polite but firm but I'd say straight "Well let you know when we are expecting-- when you keep asking it won't make it happen any quicker!"

Family are the worst for this.then when you are pregnant they keep asking a barricade of questions :)

Purplecircle · 07/09/2014 22:05

YANBU
I tell them I'm too old for that shit (40)
They don't know we've been TTC all year and 6 weeks ago had a mc

chucklingbunny · 07/09/2014 22:08

Really where do people get off?! Don't they realise this is a personal issue and getting pregnant is not easy for everyone FFS!! I'm not bitter but I got so upset and used to hide it everytime someone asked me why we hadn't had children after 6 years of marriage. In the end I decided I wasn't going to be the one left feeling like crap because I'd just laughed it off. So the next person who asked me I told them: "I can't have children." (this is what I had been told by a doctor) They were mortified but I felt so much better for it! My advice, say what makes YOU feel ok, not something to please other people. They are being insensitive and rude and you should not feel under any pressure over such a personal issue.

guinnessgirl · 07/09/2014 22:09

YADNBU. This question gets on my bloody wick. We have a DS aged 3.9 and I know people are wondering when DC2 will come along. So am I... Angry I am seriously considering giving a very frank and honest answer to the next person who asks, to shame them into getting a clue (or just some better manners).

Original poster
MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 22:15

Oo Keith that must have been horrible. Fingers crossed for you soon xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 22:15

Muddle sorry to hear that xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 22:16

Red room that's a good one too. I'm keeping all these replies lol

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 22:17

Purple I hope you're ok ??

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 07/09/2014 22:22

Chuckling I'm sorry to hear that. I bet they wished the ground would swallow them up!

This is what I mean. How insensitive and intruding is it to ask this ??. "Would you like to hear about my cycles too while we are at it? FYI I am over a week late but still getting bfn Hmm. However if I feel a sudden gush I'll be sure to shout you over ??"

OP posts:
Amaxapax · 07/09/2014 22:27

Today I told my grandma that my reproduction was none of her business. I have a feeling that I'll be faced with another BFN this week, I'm surrounded by friends who got pregnant by doing little more than sitting on the bed, and when I have something to tell her, I will tell her. Until then, she can butt out. And that goes for everyone else, too.

lavenderhoney · 07/09/2014 22:28

Are you supposed to say you're trying and thereby know the thought of you and your dh having sex has just flashed through their head?

You could say " why do you ask? Does it bother you or keep you awake at night?"

Or " oh yes, trying constantly! Hope you don't mind but we just nipped into your bedroom for a quick go"

Or " you clearly want to tell me your birth horror stories and lecture me about babies and childcare Just say that!"

But the best thing is to make sure you won't be spending Christmas at their house and spend it either hiding at home pretending you are on a beach, or on a beach. Just a tip:)

JustMarriedBecca · 07/09/2014 22:45

I was asked this constantly, particularly by my parent's friends. I just responded 'wow....and you always taught (insert her DC's names) to be so polite'.

Andrewofgg · 07/09/2014 22:54

DW and I always answered Gosh, how on earth would we go about doing that? and we never got asked twice by the same nosy bugger well-meaning person. But squoosh your suggestion is a million times better.

Good luck to all trying and to those now pg.

Fluffyears · 07/09/2014 23:19

God I get asked constantly even my mother in the middle of another conversation suddenly went 'are you going to have children or not?' I dinner want to tell anyone that there are some issues around this subject right now! Angry I'm 35 and when I was 30+ my male colleague kept saying I should 'get in with it while I still have time' I said 'wow I'm surprised you're so interested in my sec life. That is a personal matter. When are you going to get a girlfriend by the way and move out of your parents?'

PiperIsOrange · 07/09/2014 23:28

Tell them after the honeymoon sex has worn off.

joeschmoesmum · 08/09/2014 17:48

We adopted our first DS after 6 years of marriage, but endured comments all the way through. I found ir particularly hard, especially after several miscarriages and complications. My DH did not get the comments anywhere near as often as I did, btw.
At first I was polite. Eventually I just started saying "we can't" (which was what we had been told) which shut people up. Well, most people actually, some people still wanted details ("Is it you or your DH?" etc WTF!!??)

Find an answer that works for you and practise delivering it as deadpan as you can... It does take practice, but people never stop asking, in my experience. Well, until we adopted anyway...

Boobsofsteel · 09/09/2014 11:18

I found telling people that I was enjoying sex with a condom far too much shut them right up. Grin

ChickenMe · 09/09/2014 11:45

I got asked this non stop. I was very lucky to get pregnant quickly but before we started trying, because I had had some gynae issues, I was t optimistic.
I started bein a bit passive aggressive and saying "some people find they have problems" "things don't always work out", "it's up to God" (that flummoxes people and makes them uncomfortable) or I'd blatantly change the subject to make it obvious. People were brazen and I thought they deserved to feel awkward too. It did shut them up.
Some cow asked me "are you trying now?" I was very composed and said no and changed the subject.

ninetynineonehundred · 09/09/2014 12:13

Yanbu at all.
Given how many people can't have children it's a potentially upsetting question
Given how many people Don't want children it's a rude assumption
Given that it's personal, up to you, private etc etc it's intrusive
Given how many people have /don't have children out of marriage it's plain bizarre.

Sorry - can you tell this is a sore subject for me.

No advice on how to deal with it other than confrontational ones.

ninetynineonehundred · 09/09/2014 12:15

Ps since you have shared that you are ttc here good luck Smile

MrsMarcJacobs · 09/09/2014 12:28

I think it's rude to ask and I never ask this of people as I know lots of couples who have struggled. I think they mean well and may just be missing the sensitivity chip.

Jewels234 · 09/09/2014 13:51

YADNBU. I'm engaged and have this permanently. Last time I went home I had a lecture from my mum about not using my MIL too much for childcare. I don't have children and I'm not pregnant! My parents in law have already tried to make my future unborn children Catholic. Grrr.

jedijam · 09/09/2014 14:38

I've been quite lucky, have been married a couple of years now and have not been asked about plans for dc at all (we have no plans to have any but haven't shared that with anyone). Except one merry relative at our wedding making daft comments, but I was happy enough that day to just shrug it off. I don't know why I've been able to dodge the questions and other people seem to get bombarded with comments/questions! We've been quite busy with housebuying/work/travel so I suppose it doesn't come up as a conversation filler with friends/family as there are always so many other things to discuss.

SlimJiminy · 09/09/2014 15:13

YANBU. We've been lucky - we both come from large families with lots of children on both sides and everyone knows we'd like a family of our own. We expected a flurry of comments once we got married, but our closest friends and family have been really respectful and are just leaving us to it (thankfully!)

What I've found really odd is that 95% of the comments I've had about ttc have come from female friends-of-friends with their own babies/toddlers. You'd think they'd be more understanding/less intrusive with someone they don't know particularly well? These are the same people moaning that they're getting asked when they're having their second. Yet they're asking me when we're ttc our first?! It's really surprised me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread