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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude? How to get out of these situations and say NO?

75 replies

Thisreallysucksass · 07/09/2014 11:24

my DP had arranged for his friend to come over to us yesterday for some food and watch some football. They support the same team and this happends about once a month. I stay and chat with them but When the games on I generally find something else to do have a bath meet up with a friend for a hr ECT.

So plans were made the friend was coming round I cooked a small roast non of us eat much so I do a small joint plus made individual pudding for us each. And I had planned to meet at the local bar with a friend while the game was on.

Half hour before friend is due to arrive we get a call, would it be ok for my gf and her 3 kids to come round? (Didn't know he had a gf) My DPs face dropped and agreed. As soon as he put the phone down I said Its not possible as there is no way enough food/drink also I'm going out. So he rang the friend back and said it's not really possible to accommodate more people as foods ready. He said it was fine whatever I had prepared would be fine. DP said look let's just leave it today as your busy and rearrange another time. He said its fine don't worry we are on our way.

Myself and DP were not happy with 4 extra people being dropped on us at the last minute but he's a good friend and there was really nothing we could say to get out of it.

So they arrived, there seemed to be a misunderstanding with his gf (like he had said we had invited them) as she came in and said wow that smells nice what we having. So I had to make a dinner for 3 stretch to 7. We had piss poor portions and the gf and her kids moaned about it. She moaned she didn't drink lager and wanted wine but didn't think to bring a bottle.
The whole night was beyond awkward, they tried to watch the game but ended up putting it on record as the gf didn't get the whole quiet vibe and just wanted to talk about herself.

I invited her to the bar but she said no she didn't bring any money so I ended up canceling my plans.

The kids were unhappy as they wanted to play in my daughters room. I said I would go up with them to select some toys to bring down but I wasn't happy for them to play in her room when she wasn't here. But that wasn't good enough.

So WIBU? How do you lot get out of these situations, where you just can't say no?

Maybe my DP should of pushed harder and put his foot down and said no, but I'm really mad at the friend for putting us in that position and think he was really cheeky.

The GF has already tried to befriend us on fb and she said as she was leaving we should do this again. But we don't want too. She was really overbearing and just not my cup of tea.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 07/09/2014 11:29

Wow that is bizarre! Sounds like your DP told him no more than once! Not sure what you can do with skin as thick as that! Certainly don't agree to do it again Why did you cancel your plans though?

Tenementfunster · 07/09/2014 11:29

I'd leave up to your dp to sort, it's his mate and their match after all.

Coughle · 07/09/2014 11:32

I think you did pretty well under the circumstances! I wouldn't have cancelled my plans though.

chesterberry · 07/09/2014 11:32

It sounds like you were very accommodating OP in a difficult situation.

plantsitter · 07/09/2014 11:33

I would've gone halves on a takeaway and gone out anyway - but I would've told them this was happening so they could decide whether or not to come.

Half an hour's notice is rude.

Ilovenicesoap · 07/09/2014 11:36

Tell your DH to arrange to meet his mate down the pub to watch footie in future.

chesterberry · 07/09/2014 11:36

Woops. Pressed post too soon. I think if it had been me I'd have been tempted to just portion up my dinner for later and go out early leaving my DP to work out how to make dinner stretch etc! He should have been more assertive in saying no and clearly told his friend how rude & unacceptable it would be to bring round 4 extra people. Now he's done it once his friend will likely try that behaviour on again in the future so your husband really needs to be firm when saying no and, if necessary, honest in pointing out how rude the friend is being.

antimatter · 07/09/2014 11:39

I would have said - "Fine, come along but please stop on your way to get drinks and some food and drinks for gf+kids as we haven't got enough for extra 4 people". I think is only fair.
How did they thing meal for 3 stretches for 7! Maybe they assume you always cook double portions and keep it in the fridge for the next day?
Your DP should ask his friend not to put you in such situation in the future esp .that you don't have playroom where kids can play with toys downstairs.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2014 11:40

How rude was the gf, she knew that she was imposing at late notice. I would have said to her that it was a bit late notice so dident have the chance to make extras, so I am afraid this is it!. Have a chat with your dp, tell him that you do not want this happening again, and to relay with his friend that its boys only. Tell dp that you are not keen on making friends with his gf. Next time it happens, if it does, don't cancel your plans, do what you planned to do.

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 11:43

men don't think of these things. My dad once said to my mum (about thirty years ago) seeing as how sunday lunch is always at least an hour and a half after we leave church at 12.00, why don't we go for a walk before we go home for lunch. It occurred to my mum that even though he'd watched her prepare the meal and serve it to a family of five for several years, he hadn't properly grasped what was really going on.

F0ssil · 07/09/2014 11:43

Some men obviously. And even my own dad is now more modern at 70 than he was at 35 iykwim

LoonytoadQuack · 07/09/2014 11:45

They moaned? Be more specific. What did they actually say?

Purplecircle · 07/09/2014 11:46

I'm rubbish in these circumstances. I'd have done exactly the same as you. But I'd have a word with the friend and say that he was told more than once that it wasn't a good idea. Sounds like he'd been under pressure by the GF but that's not your problem. He knows the quantity of food that you cook. Tell him that it was very rude of him and not to do it again. He put you in an awkward position which wasn't fair.
I'd tell him all this myself because my DH hates confrontation and just wouldn't say all of it. He'd probably say Purplecircle is pissed off with you and leave it at that

Thumbwitch · 07/09/2014 11:50

What a strange thing for your DP's friend to have done! You don't just dump 4 extra people on hosts who are only expecting 1 of you, that's so rude! Shock

I think I would have sacked off the roast entirely, saved it to re-heat and sent out for Chinese, making it clear that they should contribute as being added extras who weren't expected for dinner.

However, it sounds like the GF may have engineered this situation and has a lot of brass neck - her partner should have been far more up front and said "no, it's a blokes' night, you're not invited".
Fail all round on their part, rudeness and lack of finesse - I wouldn't have anything to do with the GF again if you can avoid it, certainly wouldn't have her on FB.

Tryharder · 07/09/2014 11:51

They were overbearing but I'm not sure you handled it well.

She's clearly trying to make friends with you but you also - clearly - don't like her so maybe that impacted on your judgement and how you handled the situation.

Why on earth did you not nip to the shops and get bread and potatoes or pizzas for the kids? I think you made a mountain out of a molehill to be honest.

cleanasawhistle · 07/09/2014 11:51

Hi OP just wondering where your DD was ?

I think that the friend was rude but I also wouldn't have been happy about my child free evening being taken over by someone else kids.

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 07/09/2014 11:54

I think they were very rude. You had planned the meal for them.

tryharder, we have a set budget for food for the week. Not everyone is in a position, financially, to be able to afford to cater for 7 people, unexpectedly. Especially when the me that had ALREADY, been prepared had been budgeted for. I don't know the OPs situation but even if she could afford to pop and buy extra food, why should she?! She had spent ages making a roast.

clam · 07/09/2014 11:55

Tryharder Seriously? Hmm

Are you the GF?

MrsCosmopilite · 07/09/2014 11:58

I would never dream of imposing on someone like that.

If I felt that I'd been pushed into coming along (as may be the case with the gf) then I'd have asked if there was anything that was needed. Or, if when I arrived it was clear there wasn't enough food, I'd have been off to the shops to get something to bulk it out.

AlpacaMyBags · 07/09/2014 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hackmum · 07/09/2014 12:01

F0ssil: "My dad once said to my mum (about thirty years ago) seeing as how sunday lunch is always at least an hour and a half after we leave church at 12.00, why don't we go for a walk before we go home for lunch."

That is hilarious. Who did he think was making the lunch - the fairies?

OP - what a ridiculous situation. I can't believe the girlfriend complained about the small portions and the lack of wine! Didn't she have any idea that she hadn't been invited? Couldn't she have worked it out? I really think you should send her a message via FB explaining to her exactly what happened, just as you have done here.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/09/2014 12:07

You coped remarkably well considering. I'm not sure I would have managed to be a civil as you. And you did say "no". As did your DH. They chose not to listen. I would ask him to have a word with his friend about how inappropriate it was to impose himself and his +3 on you in that way, and make it clear that it should never happen again. Not that they aren't welcome, but that a lot more mutual forward planning would have to be done if they want to come over in future.

MrsPiggie · 07/09/2014 12:22

You did great and everything you could have done to deal with a very awkward situation. I don't think I could have helped myself from saying something along the lines "sorry there's so little food, we were only expecting DF, but there's a great chippy round the corner".
For the future, just make sure DF understands what an awkward situation they put you in, and if she ever invites herself again say you've got other plans and won't be around. She's not likely to come if she has to entertain her kids whilst the men watch football.

gamerchick · 07/09/2014 12:23

If your dude can't put his foot down for the future then it's no more boys nights.

I would have stopped in as well.. It sucks to be put on the spot, especially when they won't take no for an answer.

ihatethecold · 07/09/2014 12:27

Maybe the op Couldn't just nip out to buy extra provisions.

Op. You handled it very well.
Cheeky feckers.